Strange But True | Anorak - Part 226

Strange But True Category

Weird, offbeat and bizarre news from around the world. Funny, strange & odd news stories that make you wince, laugh and fear for humanity.

Ig Deal

‘AMONG the winners of this year’s Ig Awards, a spoof of the Nobel Prizes, was a team from University College London, who showed the brains of London taxi drivers were different from average people because they become enlarged in the zone associated with navigation.

A Japanese researcher was honoured for chemistry for his study of a bronze statue that failed to attract pigeons, while an Australian team won the physics award for their fascinating report, An Analysis Of The Forces Required To Drag Sheep Over Various Surfaces.

The Ig Peace Prize was awarded to Indian Lal Bihari for leading an active life even though he had been declared legally dead.

The organisers said he’d waged ‘a lively posthumous campaign’ against bureaucracy and greedy relatives. He was also the man behind the Association of Dead People.

The annual awards are handed out to people whose achievements ‘cannot or should not be reproduced’.’

Posted: 8th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Red Hot Dutch

‘WHEN a group of Dutch farmers’ wives turned up at their local cinema to watch Roman Polanski’s Oscar-winning film The Pianist, they expected to see a harrowing tale of life in the Warsaw ghetto under the Nazis.

What they didn’t expect to see was Michael Haneke’s La Pianiste, a film about a female piano teacher who is addicted to porn and fantasises about sadistic sex.

Unfortunately, Dirk Holemans, who runs Cinema Hollywood in Winschoten, had accidentally ordered the wrong film for the women’s monthly night out.

‘I noticed too late it was pure porno,” he said. “But in order not to spoil the ladies’ evening I went on with it.’

Hilly Klappe, chairwoman of the ladies’ group, said they had a very amusing evening.

‘We found it very interesting to see men can hold on for such a long time,’ she said.’

Posted: 7th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Brand Spanking New

‘AUSSIE brothels are said to be recruiting extra S&M specialists and stocking up on whips during the Rugby World Cup to cater for the needs of posh English fans.

Robbie Swan, a spokesman for The Eros Association, Australia’s adult entertainment industry said: ‘The upper classes in England, we know that they like spanking.’

He added that brothels were gearing up after being surprised by demand during previous big get-togethers and were trying to cater for fans from all countries.

Girls from a Sydney brothel called Stiletto greeted Argentina’s squad to the city with signs saying: ‘Care for a ruck?’

Meanwhile, the Boardroom brothel in Melbourne has decked itself out in the national colours of Italy and New Zealand, while The Daily Planet brothel is planning to lay on finger food.’

Posted: 6th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Girlfriend In A Coma

‘KATY celebrated her 17th birthday last week by slipping into a sugar-induced diabetic coma. Well, better that than yet another ‘surprise’ party organised in The Rovers.

What does Steve see in Karen?

Tommy had taken to locking his “little girl” up in the house in the vain attempt to stop her from seeing Martin Platt. Tommy hadn’t taken the news about Martin and Katy terribly well. After punching Martin in the face, he’d then gone about smashing up her mobile phone and changing the locks on the house.

“You can’t lock her up like some sort of princess in a tower,” raged Angela at Tommy over their daughter’s hospital bed. “She’ll just want him more.” But Tommy isn’t capable of rational thought, “beer” and “chips” being the only two words he can hold in his head at any one time.

Angela went round to try and convince Martin to give up his teenaged lover, but instead he invited Katy to move in with him (once he’d cleared some of his old cardies out to make way for her school uniform).

Understandably, David and Sarah aren’t best pleased that their dad is dating someone in their school and have refused to speak to him. Gail is more understanding though. “After the mess I’ve made of my life, I can hardly talk,” she told him sadly.

Sarah has other things to worry about, however, as she now has another mad menopausal woman (other than her mother), to deal with. Bethany’s biological father, Neil Fearns, died in a car crash last week and his mother has now befriended Sarah Louise, who went to his funeral.

“I see Neil in little Bethany’s eyes,” his mother ranted, “she’s like a gift from the Lord Jesus.” More like a living reminder of why condoms are really quite a good idea.

Karen and Steve’s divorce has come through, which means (in Karen logic) that they can get married again. “I want everyone to know I married yer cos I love ya, not for some stupid bet,” she wailed. Karen should take note of Peter Barlow and what a mess marriage has got him into.

Shelly and Lucy are out for his blood after discovering that the “forsaking all others” bit in his vows should have come with a codicil, “apart from the ones I’m already married to.”

The two avenging angels are determined to make his life an utter misery. They’ve already fly posted the bookies with “Peter Barlow is a cheat” and put an ad in the paper saying he’s not fit to run a business.

Peter has left Weatherfield to stay with a mate. Lucy and Shelly were less than pleased on hearing the news. “He’s probably chatting up some other poor woman as we speak,” spat Lucy.

As Peter’s legal wife, Lucy is planning on taking over the bookies. Peter is set to leave Weatherfield for good soon – wonder what odds she’d give on him being in panto by Christmas?’

Posted: 3rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Loser In Love

‘KENYAN Alfonse Mumbo, a 38-year-old former barber from Kajulu Wath Orego, near Kisumu, wanted to give his wife ‘a free hand to go after other men” – so he took up a blade and severed his own testicles and penis.

‘It was around 8 o’clock in the morning when I started feeling dizzy. My wife had left for the farm. I don’t know what came over me,” says Mumbo.

‘All I remember is walking around the compound anxiously and answering many calls of nature. I found myself disgusted with the penis and decided to cut it off.

‘I went into the kitchen, took a knife, undressed and just chopped it off. The knife was too sharp and before I realised what I had done, it was too late.’

Mumbo’s wife Penina returned home to find her husband in a pool of blood.

‘When I am walking around the village or going on safari, those who recognise me talk about me in low tones,’ says Mr Mumbo.’

Posted: 3rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Grassed Up

‘DESPERATE times call for desperate measures, and so it was that an Austrian man decided to hold up a bank and thereby pay off his debts.

So the criminal disguised himself as a woman and walked into the Attnang-Puchheim branch of Bawag Bank.

Threatening staff with a gun, he fled with about £7,000 in cash.

But his luck took a turn for the worse when he was spotted by a pensioner and a local man – who happened to be driving past on his lawnmower.

They pair gave chase, and soon caught up with the skirted felon, who was arrested.’

Posted: 2nd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Fatted Calf

”THE chance to wear lederhosen is the right of every German man, and in Scotland the right to wear the kilt is the right of every Scot.’

It’s a noble ideal, as stated by Herbert Lipah, a German lederhosen trader who sells calf implants to make his customers’ legs look more manly.

The implants, which are worn inside socks, and come in a range of sizes, are proving to be popular with Scotsmen.

Apparently kilt wearers and lederhosen wearers both worry about how their legs will look in the traditional gear, and padding allows a whole new bunch of people to embrace the clothing of their ancestors without embarrassing remarks like ‘squirrel legs’ and ‘stick insect’.

‘It’s impossible to tell the difference,’ says Herbert. ‘It looks just like a well developed, muscular leg should do and is totally seamless.”

Posted: 1st, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Living In A Pig Sty

‘THE local authority in Kiev has passed a ruling that bans the city’s residents from keeping farm animals in council flats.

A survey found residents were keeping more than 3,000 pigs, 500 cows, 1,000 goats, chickens and rabbits on balconies, in front rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms.

City authorities argue that flats and are not designed for the weight of heavy animals like cows.

And that their urine was destroying the buildings.’

Posted: 30th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sex Mad

‘SINCE James Perry had been arrested on four occasions for drunken driving, it was not without grounds that he believed it’d be difficult for him to get a driving licence in Connecticut. So he stole an identity, posing as Robert Kowalski, his neighbour from his days in Florida.

The licence was duly granted, and Perry was doing just great for around a year – until he was arrested for disorderly conduct. And since Robert Kowalsji – the name it said on Perry’s licence – was a convicted sex offender and not, as law required, listed on the Connecticut register, he was arrested.

Fingerprints saved Perry, although charges of criminal impersonation, identity theft and forgery are on the rap sheet.’

Posted: 29th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Drunken Fuel!

‘WE’VE all woken up in the morning wondering why we had that last drink, but probably with not as much cause as an unidentified Ethiopian man who was taken to hospital after drinking petrol.

Staff at the petrol station in Halle, Germany, called the police after they spotted the 30-year-old man drinking from one of the pumps. Police spokeswoman Ulrike Diener said: ‘He opted for unleaded and drank 0.14 litres.

Officers at the scene noticed he was drunk, so they called an ambulance to take him to hospital. He paid for the petrol, so he isn’t facing any charges.”

The man was kept in hospital overnight for observation, but was discharged the next morning, suffering from one hell of a hangover.’

Posted: 26th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

What’s That, Skip?

‘EAT your heart out, Skippy. A farmer who was lying unconscious in a field after being hit by a falling branch has a partially blind kangaroo to thank for saving his life after it managed to raise the alarm.

Lulu, which was adopted by the Richards family of Gippsland, south east Australia, 10 years ago because it was blind in one eye, stood over farmer Len’s body and barked like a dog to alert relatives.

Daughter Celeste, 17, said: ‘She was obviously trying to get our attention because she never acts like that.

‘It went on for about 15 minutes, so we went outside to investigate and we saw Lulu standing upright with her chest puffed out over Dad’s body. If it wasn’t for her, my Dad could have died – Lulu is my hero.’

The RSPCA urged the family to nominate Lulu for its National Bravery Award. ‘From my point of view it’s a darn good story and I would hope that Lulu is nominated,’ said RSPCA president Dr Hugh Wirth.’

Posted: 25th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Red Card

‘WHEN amateur soccer referee Wayne Millin booked one of the teams’ managers for swearing on the touchline, he couldn’t have guessed that it would cost him his job.

But the manager in question was Robert Smith, his boss at Gloucestershire printing firm Just Labels, who last week agreed to pay £6,000 compensation for unfair dismissal.

Millin, 35, claimed he had been given the cold shoulder by workmates after refereeing the match between King’s Stanley and Ebley and had even been sprayed with cleaning fluid by one player he had booked.

‘I should never have been sacked,” he said. “I was just doing my job as a ref. It was only over a throw-in.”

Posted: 24th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

She-avens Above!

‘MORE than 50 translators are hard at work in Germany, their job to translate the Bible in politically correct language.

It is part of a project by the German Evangelical Church to rewrite the Holy Book in ‘unbiased and just’ language, including amending passages in the Holy Book that are seen to discriminate against women.

For instance, the term “disciple” is to be changed to ‘disciples and disciplesses’ and forms of address such as Lord or Our Father are to be omitted.

The new translation will be published next year, the 2004th year of Our Lady.’

Posted: 23rd, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

What’s His Angle?

”I’M taking a risk, but I don’t mind,’ says Angle-Grinder man, Britain’s newest superhero. ‘It’s a public service. And I like wearing the costume.’ And what a costume it is – blue bodysuit, cape, gold pants and a mask.

Is that you, Prezza?

The outfit belongs to unknown man, who wanders the Lodnon and Kent areas on the lookout for wheel clamps. When he sees a car wearing a Denver Boot, Angle-Grinder man swings into action, cutting the cars free with his angle grinder. He asks for no payment.’

Posted: 22nd, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

For Pete’s Sake

‘PETER Barlow is discovering that having two women at once is the stuff of nightmares rather than of fantasies.

It’s got Roy’s cardigan

The trouble started when Lucy (number one wife) came looking for Peter, determined to give their marriage another chance. She bumped into Jack Duckworth in the street and asked if he knew where Peter Barlow lived. “Over there, in The Rovers with his wife,” Jack replied.

Lucy stormed into the pub and pulled out a wedding photo. “Seems like we’re married to the same bloke, luv,” Lucy snarled at Shelly. Being very much like a faithful Labrador (in looks and mental ability) Shelly refused to believe it at first.

“Yer lyin’,” she screamed at Lucy, “not my Peter.” When confronted with baby Simon and her wedding certificate, even Shelly had to admit that ‘her Peter’ was living the Mormon dream in the heart of Weatherfield.

Lucy and Shelly have decided to pair up and prove the old adage that hell hath no fury. They’ve reported their Peter to the police and are now intent on driving him out of business by picketing the bookies. Indeed, the sight of those two harpies would be enough to send any bloke running for the hills.

Peter has holed up in Ken and Deirdre’s house while they’re away visiting Blanche. Ken and Deirdre will be delighted to discover that not only do they have a bigamist son but also a dating-rapist daughter now living under their roof. Tracy has returned from her Caribbean holiday (courtesy of Roy and Hayley), still pregnant and still as much of a witch as ever.

She reluctantly agreed to let Roy accompany her to her first scan and even sold him a copy of the scan for fifty quid. Roy’s sought legal advice about protecting ‘his’ baby only to be told that a father-to-be has even less rights than a Camp X Ray inmate.

He’s been informed that the only way he can ensure his position is to marry Tracy. But after Peter’s experience, is it any wonder Roy’s less than keen on having two wives?

Another minx who needs a good slap is Maz. She’s driven off to the sunset (and hopefully to some acting lessons), leaving Jack Duckworth on charges of growing cannabis on his allotment.

“He’ll only get a fine,” reassured Maz to a shocked Tyrone. Indeed, as anyone who watched ‘Eastenders’ recently can testify, that’s exactly what Derek got in exactly the same storyline.’

Posted: 22nd, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bouncing Czechs

‘WHEN Jitka Bouchalova asked her then boyfriend Tomas Kaspar’s for sperm he was all too willing to oblige. She had told him that doctors at a local clinic needed a sample of his sperm to determine what contraception was best for her.

She then used it to get pregnant, and gave birth to twins. She then called up her now estranged lover and demanded child-support from him. He refused so she took him to court. And she lost the case. Bouchalova was ordered to pay Kaspar £1,070 while the Gest fertility clinic was told to pay him £21,400 over the incident.’

Posted: 19th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Punching Drunks

‘Frustration can be relieved in many ways. And thanks to a 28-year-old Chinese man from Chengdu there is new one. The chap is offering himself up as a human punch-bag.

This unnamed entrepreneur charges 50 yuan (about £4) for a two-minute go. For the money, the man guarantees that he will not fight back.’

Posted: 18th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Great Balls Of Fire

‘NOT all men are uncontrollable sexual beats. Not all. Some, like Svetin Gulisija, a 26-year-old from Seget in Croatia, get tired from time to time. But his wife knows her rights and came, as usual, to demand satisfaction from her husband.

But Svetin wasn’t in the mood so in an effort to distract attention from himself he started a fire in the woods behind his home. The fire spread, and emergency firefighters were called. As were the police. The case wound up in court and Svetin is now serving a custodial sentence of two years. Which should delight him no end…’

Posted: 17th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Space Nazis

‘BE afraid. Where once forces unknown to us made simple crop circles, things have taken a turn to the right, and for the worse. Alien Nazis are among us. A huge 65-feet wide swastika-shaped crop circle has been found in a field near Berlin, Germany.

The symbol, not as fashionable as it once was in that country, was spotted by a police helicopter pilot as he approached the Berlin-Schoenefeld airport. The drawing or promoting of swastikas or other Nazi symbols is illegal in Germany. But did anyone think to tell the aliens?’

Posted: 16th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Gathering Nuts

”THE streets were dirty. There was hair and spit and bird poo. There were unmentionable things.’ The words of Mark McGowan, who has just completed his journey to the doors of Number 10 Downing Street – pushing a monkey nut with his nose.

‘Carole Caplin told me to do it’

McGowan departed from outside Goldsmiths College in south-east London on September 1, and has covered around three-quarters of a mile per day, working in eight-hour bursts, rolling the nut with his hooter.

Sporting a plaster on the end of his nose, McGowan handed in the nut at the doors of Number 10, and received a mug of tea from within. McGowen hoped to raise awareness about student debt.’

Posted: 15th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Eileen Goes Down

‘LIFE hasn’t been very fair to poor Eileen. Not only does she have the worst perm in the history of the world and two idiot sons, but she’s now ended up in prison for a crime she did not commit. But unlike the A-Team, it’s unlikely she’s going to be able to make her fortune by going on the run and solving crimes.

‘More cake, Eileen…’

Eileen’s ex, Tony, decided to fit her up by stealing £700 from Streetcars before leaving Weatherfield. Dev, being the sort of enlightened employer so loved by Maggie Thatcher, refused to listen to her pleas of innocence and promptly got her arrested.

Todd and Jason suspected Tony, so went to track him down at his new address. “Look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t take the money!” Jason screamed at his shiftless dad. Tony finally admitted that he’d done it to get back at Eileen for throwing him out. “I’m not all bad, son,” Tony wheedled not very convincingly.

Dev was forced to agree to drop the charges against Eileen when Jason presented him with the money and the name of the actual culprit.

Another errant father about to get his comeuppance is Peter ‘two time’ Barlow. His charmed double life is about to come to an end shortly when Lucy turns up at The Rovers and discovers her husband actually has a number two wife. Wonder what odds he’d give himself on coming out of this with both testicles?

Someone else about to undergo a not-so voluntary vasectomy is Martin. Martin decides it would be a jolly idea to tell Tommy he’s been dating his 16-year-old daughter. After which he’ll certainly be needing his nursing skills.

Jack and Vera got stoned this week when they went to visit Maz on the allotment and she offered them some of her ‘special’ cake. “I feel like doing even less than I normally do,” Jack told her before he and Vera broke into song. Vera is set to cause a sensation when she inadvertently makes another hash cake for Emily Bishop’s tea party. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “high tea”.’

Posted: 12th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Doesn’t Wash

‘A 15-YEAR-OLD Norwegian boy from Baerum near Oslo claims that he became stuck in his washing machine when he went in after his keys.

This story is made less plausible when we learn that the lad from Stein Guriby is 5ft 10inches tall.

Firefighters were called, freeing the lad by lubricating him with washing up liquid. After more than one hour inside he was out.

Reports say the teenager emerged uninjured – and clean.’

Posted: 12th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Lazy Birds

‘BIRDS have notoriously small brains. In their defence, they can only know what they have been taught – and a flock of Northern Bald Ibis had no idea where south was.

Having been born and reared at the Konrad Lorenz research centre in Gruenau in Austria, the birds had no idea how to migrate.

So the researchers called them a car and drove them to their winter quarters in the Maremma region in northern Italy.

Dr Kurt Kotrschal, from the Zoology Department at Vienna University, said: ‘The birds are used to the all-inclusive treatment at the research centre. So we had to pack the lazy birds into the car and drive them.”

Posted: 11th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Wrong Joint

‘MARIJUANA allegedly plays havoc with your short-term memory. Marijuana allegedly plays havoc with your short-term memory.

This is, of course, only relevant if you have actually inhaled it in some way.

For two teenage girls from Minnesota, USA, the drug wasn’t needed. Having already phoned a sheriff’s office looking to buy some weed, and been denied, the pair then called back soon after.

This time they even gave their names. In the course of this second call, a cop called himself ‘Dupe’ on the phone and arranged for a meeting at a shop an hour later.

‘Apparently, they didn’t know the meaning of ‘Dupe’ as in ‘duped’ either,’ said Sheriff Terese Amazi. ‘It’s incredible.’

The girls were arrested at the scene.

‘Not only did they do something wrong,’ the sheriff said, ‘but they should have been in school.’

Like, learning stuff.’

Posted: 10th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

My Little Pony

‘PALLE Brinch loves ponies. He also loves his nine-year-old daughter.

So Brinch, a Dane, conspired to unite his two passions and invited a Shetland pony to come and live with him and his kin. Trouble is that he lived in a flat.

Neighbours alerted authorities about a ‘rumbling ceiling and a manure-like stench’.

Brinch and his daughter showered the Shetland pony in the bathroom and made a bed for it in the kitchen.

The horse has been removed and now lives with Brinch’s brother-in-law in the countryside.’

Posted: 9th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment