I Am What I Am

‘CORRIE proved why it’s a BAFTA-winner this week with a genius triple-whammy on Monday.

Macho Man Jason is as straight as they come

Although we’ve known for months that Todd was coming out, no one could have predicted he’d have leapt out the closet with such gusto. “Wot do yer want to hear?” he screamed at Sarah Lou. “That Carl and I slept in our bed, that we did everything and that I loved it?”

The pressure of living a double life finally became too much for Todd and he told Sarah that he didn’t want to marry her – and why. Sarah took it surprisingly well. “It’s just a phase yer going through. I read magazines, it happens all the time,” she airly told him.

Sarah’s liberal attitude changed though when she realised that Todd had done a bit more than fill in a questionnaire in ‘Just 17’. “Don’t touch me!” she yelled. “Yer disgusting,” she ssaid, before running off to her mum’s.

Gail took the news surprisingly well. “Who told you that? Don’t be silly,” she scoffed, until she heard that Todd had made a pass at her precious Nick. “Let me at him!” she screamed, storming out into the street in her towelling dressing gown.

Todd has sought refuge at his mum’s and Eileen, being the lioness that she is, was quick to defend her son. “It’s your daughter who’s sick,” she screamed at Gail. “Two kids by two different men before she’s 17.” Conveniently forgetting of course that it was her precious son who’d practically blackmailed Sarah into getting pregnant again.

Eileen and Gail decided to settle this like the mature adults they are and ended up rolling around on the cobbles in their nighties. It was up to Nick and Jason to separate the two. Jason had just finished a shift on a building site and was still wearing his hard hat. “Oh look,” scoffed Gail, “it’s another one of the Village People.”

Jason made his feelings about homosexuality known though when he took Todd aside. “You stay away from me, as far as I’m concerned yer a dirty queer,” he spat.

Todd is set to leave the street soon, and if rumours are to be believed, Jason’s set to step into his brother’s shoes in more ways than one; shacking up with Sarah Lou. Talk about keeping it in the family.

While the shockwaves of Todd’s revelation reverberate around Weatherfield, Fred was in for a surprise of his own. Rover’s cleaner Harry was shopping for cut-price bleach in the market when who should he stumble upon but ‘Orchid’, working on a women’s clothing stall.

“It’ll be sapphires soon, not support tights you’ll ‘ave dripping off yet arms soon,” Dennis chuckled in her ear. Harry reported his discovery to an already suspicious Ashley, who decided enough was enough. He drove his father to the market, telling him that Orchid had told him to meet her there to pick out wedding dress material.

As soon as Fred saw Orchid/Stacy on her stall, the scales fell from his eyes. “Yer nothing but a common prostitute,” he snarled. “And you,” referring to Dennis, “you’re her pimp.”

Poor Fred – perhaps he should speak to Carl and see if he’s still auditioning boyfriends.’

Posted: 27th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Barking Mad

‘WHILE British dogs can barely muster a throaty “sausages”, guard dogs in Israel’s prisons love a good natter, but they do their talking in barks and woofs.

So in effort to understand what they are saying, their handlers are being sent on language courses.

A system that electronically analyses the guard dogs’ barks has been installed in each of the nation’s prisons. Lights indicate what the dog sis saying – green indicates the barking is harmless, yellow suggests the dog has suspicions about a caper afoot and red confirms a prisoner is on the loose…and dinner is on the way.’

Posted: 27th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A Rasping Throat

‘HOW far would you go to avoid arrest? Mao Kyan, from Chendu in China, went further than most.

Faced with a charge of possessing an offensive weapon, Kyan attempted to avoid prosecution by swallowing the three-inch blade.

And for eight months it sat in his stomach.

Kyan believed the knife had somehow dissolved in his gut – but he was wrong. It was only when he went to a doctor complaining of pains in his throat that he realised his error.

Doctors said it was a miracle he had survived and that the knife ‘could have killed him at any second’.’

Posted: 26th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Paper Chase

‘THE unenlightened among you may suppose that when it comes to handling papers Germans are something of the Olympic champions.

You’d, of course, be wrong, and to prove how much has changed in the land over there, we hear of three German muggers.

Having forced their 29-year-old victim to hand them his wallet at Solingen-Ohligs train station, the trio withdrew the money.

Then, in an act of rare generosity, one of the gang returned what he believed was the now empty wallet to his victim.

But he’d erred, and had instead handed over his own wallet – with all his identification papers inside.

The police cleared the matter up quickly.’

Posted: 25th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Nothing To Declare

‘GIVEN the level of security at our airports, it’s a wonder that carriers don’t make passengers fly naked.

They yet might if one German traveller is any guide.

When making his way to board plane from Cologne to Munich, the man triggered an alarm. Officials believed his metal-studded belt was to blame and asked him to remove it. He did. And then he took off his trousers…

‘You never know whether something is being hidden inside a belt and the rivets are only there to distract staff,’ he said.

As, perhaps, was the near-naked man…’

Posted: 24th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Loss Of Face

‘A STUDENT has been expelled from school in the United States for throwing a pie in his principal’s face.

Fair enough, perhaps, except that the incident took place during a ‘pie-in-the-face’ event.

The event at Danbury High School in Ohio, was backed by school authorities who told students they could throw pies at their least favourite teachers.

But the female principal didn’t take too kindly to being picked out by Tina and Don Molnar’s 15-year-old son – not only did she expel him for 80 days, but she also made a complaint to police and the boy could now faces charges.

The Molnars have filed an appeal to challenge the decision.’

Posted: 21st, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Whatever’s Your Bag

‘A GERMAN policeman has been jailed for two and-a-half years because of his fetish for lady’s handbags.

Judges in Gera heard that the officer found handbags ‘irresistible’ and got a sexual thrill from pinching them when he was on duty.

The 48-year-old policeman was accused of stealing more than 1,000 bags over six years and was sentenced on a specimen 15 charges of theft.

The policeman, who had been suspended from duty, admitted to the court that he was irresistibly attracted to women’s handbags and their contents on account of an ‘abnormal sexual urge.’

A court doctor confirmed that he had detected an advanced sexual dysfunction in the defendant, but said that it couldn’t be used to absolve the man’s crime.’

Posted: 20th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Golden Fleece

‘IT seems that all those years of handling and eating meat have finally caught up with Fred Elliott and he’s developed Mad Cow Disease. What other explanation can there be for a supposedly successful businessman agreeing to hand over six thousand pounds to a woman he met two days ago?

Thai-ing the knot

‘Friend’ Dennis Stokes had given Fred four pictures of Thai women who he said had answered his personal ad on the Internet. “What happens if ‘e picks one of the others?” asked Stacey, the market stallholder who’s Dennis’ partner in crime. “He’d better not!” replied Dennis. “Two of them are dead.”

However Dennis successfully appealed to Fred’s vanity and he did indeed pick the youngest of the four, “Orchid”.

“If yer give me a grand, I’ll wire it over to her and she’ll be with you tomorrow,” Dennis told Fred. “Tommorrah? By gum them planes are fast these days,” said Fred, whose knowledge of geography is about as developed as his 18-month-old grandson Joshua’s.

Dennis drove Stacey/Orchid to Manchester Airport. “That’s ‘im over there,” he hissed at her. “Blimey! I’m really going to earn the money this time,” she muttered, before putting on her best fake grin and tottering off on her heels to meet him.

Fred was delighted with the world’s most expensive take-away, and promptly took her into The Rovers to show her off. Son Ashley was less than impressed though, as were Betty and Shelly.

“There’s no fool like an old fool,” said Betty, pursing her lips and crossed her arms over her enormous bosom. She’d have a lot more to say if she discovered that Fred had just handed Orchid a cheque for £5,000 to help her sick father.

“I feel like I’ve known yer all me life,” Fred told her over an expensive dinner. If she’s fleeced him of six grand in two days, God knows how much she’d have made over a lifetime.

As luck/ soap law would have it, Shelly and Charlie happened to be in the same restaurant. Charlie was attempting to woo Shelly after their first date got off to a bad start on account of the fact that he didn’t actually turn up.

To be fair to Charlie, he had called to tell her he couldn’t make it, but unfortunately he’d left a message with Bev, who’s determined to make sure Charlie doesn’t keep it in the family by sleeping with both mother and daughter.

It looks like Bev’s plan has failed, however, as Charlie and Shelly left the restaurant hand-in-hand, heading back to his place. Being a builder, no doubt Charlie has built himself a self-notching bedpost.

Candice’s boyfriend Tim is another gentleman whose success with the ladies has landed him in trouble. Poor Candice doesn’t have much luck with men, first Jason choose Gail over her, then Tim the shampoo salesmen, turns out to be married.

“Where’s the slut who’s been sleeping with my husband?” screamed an irate woman who marched into Audrey’s salon. “It’s me,” admitted Candice.

At least she knows her place.’

Posted: 20th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Mark Of Cane

‘MANY of us may be too young to remember the cane and too old to fear its return – but not in Malaysia.

There, a male teacher got involved in an argument with his headmistress about student discipline – and received a few whacks from the cane for his pains.

The incident happened in Rungkup after the teacher objected to some of the ideas being put to him by the headmistress.

‘The woman lost her temper and assaulted the teacher with the cane,’ a police spokesman said, adding that the man suffered bruises on his body and later lodged a complaint with officers.

The issue was resolved after the pair sat down with local education officials to thrash it out.’

Posted: 19th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The MP Ran Off With The Spoon

‘IT’S not just on aeroplanes that we can’t be trusted to eat with proper cutlery – Russian MPs are being given plastic spoons after cutlery started disappearing at an alarming rate from the Russian parliament.

Workers at a parliament cafeteria made the change after being told they would have to pay to replace the dozen or more spoons that disappear every week.

And MPs are the main suspects behind the disappearance of the spoons.

Gennady Raikov, head of the Credentials and Ethics Commission at the Russian parliament said he was not surprised at the reports. ‘The MPs would even roll up a carpet or two and slip them out if they thought they could get away with it,’ he said – before walking off with a cylindrical package under his arm.’

Posted: 18th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Invention Is Pants

‘BOSNIA’S Dragan Tadic has been awarded the gold medal at the Councour Lepan inventors’ exhibition in Paris for inventing the world’s first ‘self-ventilating and thermo-regulating underpants’.

The 44-year-old from Laktasi in northwest Bosnia and Herzegovina claims they help stop the testicles becoming too warm – potentially leading to male sterility.

‘The underpants have a special ‘bag’ at the front for the penis and testicles,” he explains. ‘By adding this bag there is better ventilation and more hygienic conditions because the bag also reduces sweating.’

Tadic, who called the underpants Adam’s List, says he’s already in touch with French businessmen about selling the underpants to a mass market.

‘I am already negotiating with a potential French investor,” he adds, “and strongly believe these new functional and healthy underpants will revolutionise the underwear industry.”

Posted: 17th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Gay Paris

‘ANYONE who has ever experienced the delights of being confronted by the black-clad CRS French riot police will have been taught that over the Channel they take their policing very seriously.

But beneath those threatening uniform beat the hearts of men – and men have needs.

And so it was with the unnamed French cop who was stopped by his fellow officers while driving drunk dressed only in a pair of fishnet tights.

He refused to come quietly and a chase ensued.

Soon, however, he was caught, and confessed that he was working as a part-time transsexual prostitute to help make, erm, ends meet.’

Posted: 14th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Something Stupid

‘ROBBIE Williams has been party to some crimes against music, but now he has been used as an instrument with which to beat the villains.

When detective Dave Wishnowsky of Palmerston North, New Zealand, ran into Willie Mitford, a suspect in a theft, in a karaoke bar he struck up a conversation.

A couple of drinks later and Mitford agreed to admit to the theft if the detective sang well enough. Unluckily for Mitford, Wishnowsky is a former musician and his rendition of Robbie William’s Better Man went down a storm.

“I had only sung two or three lines and he came over to me and said, ‘I’m guilty’,” said the cop.’

Posted: 13th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Going Overboard

‘YOU’D think that after the recent shots of Americans on holiday in Iraq, the locals of the good ol’ US of A would have had enough of looking at naked flesh. But none of it.

While cruising Lake Travis, near Austin, Texas, a boat carrying 60 people passed within leering distance of a nudist colony. The Hippie Hollow nudist beach resort was staging its festival for gay and lesbian nudists when passengers saw what was going on.

So they dashed over to one side of the boat to get a better look, and caused the craft to tip over.

Nudists dived in to rescue the overboard passengers – although, unusually, no photographs of the incident were taken and no US soldiers involved.’

Posted: 13th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sleeping Partners

‘FRED Elliot’s plans to treat himself to a tasty Thai are about to backfire horribly as his Oriental Flower turns out to be slightly more home grown than he’d hoped.

Weatherfield rock

Fellow Square Dealer Dennis has helped Fred to post his details on “t’internet” in the hope of meeting a potential wife (ideally one who’s deaf and blind).

Fred’s taking it very seriously and is even trying to lose weight in a bid to woo Mrs Elliot the Fourth. Unfortunately for him though, he’s going to lose pounds of a different nature, as ‘friend’ Dennis is setting Fred up with a Manchester market stall trader called Stacey.

“I’ve found us another one!” he told her. “And this one’s loaded.” Poor Fred, he can’t even order a mail-order bride properly; still at least the postage will be cheaper.

Elsewhere in Weatherfield, the path of true love is proving just as rocky for others. Candice’s new boyfriend Tim seems to be as illusive as a Victoria Beckham hit single. He did graciously agree to turn up to Maria’s 21st birthday party but he stayed only long enough to charm Candice into bed and then left so quickly he must have left skid marks on the duvet.

Janice will also be looking for a quick exit later this week, when she wakes up in bed with Les. Janice agreed to meet Les for a drink to celebrate their divorce, a drink Les took to mean a date.

He’d ushered Chesney and Kirk round to Fizz’s and put on his best pulling gear: the infamous leopard skin jacket that looks like a Showaddywaddy cast-off. Janice is clearly suffering from some form of brain damage after the factory fire as she not only agreed to go back to Les’s but ended the night by kissing him.

“I’m confused,” Janice told Karen the next day. More like “I’m mad.” Janice has been impressed by Les’s kindness to Chesney, taking him in after Cilla left.

“I’ll bring him up like me own,” Les told Janice. As Chesney has started to lie, steal and bunk off school, it seems like Les is sticking to his word.

The biggest love shock of the week, however, was for Katy when Karl confided in her that he’d been sleeping with Todd. Karl had got drunk at Maria’s party and told Katy that he was seeing a man soon to be married.

“When can I meet him?” asked Katy, eyes lighting up at the prospect of some gossip. “You already have,” Karl replied, eyeing up Todd.

Katy, as Sarah Lou’s prospective step-mother (try explaining that one to the kids), is determined that Todd does the right thing.

“If you don’t tell her, I will,” she raged at him. “Yer just don’t understand how hard it is,” Todd told her. “When I’m with Sarah I want her, but when I’m with Karl it’s different,” he continued, showing about as much backbone as a Labour backbencher.

Sarah Lou is so far blissfully unaware of what’s going on around her. “Todd’s my rock,” she said to Katy. “And we’re so lucky to have a friend like Karl. We have so much in common.”

If only you knew, love.’

Posted: 13th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Something Stupid

‘ROBBIE Williams has been party to some crimes against music, but now he has been used as an instrument with which to beat the villains.

When detective Dave Wishnowsky of Palmerston North, New Zealand, ran into Willie Mitford, a suspect in a theft, in a karaoke bar he struck up a conversation.

A couple of drinks later and Mitford agreed to admit to the theft if the detective sang well enough.

Unluckily for Mitford, Wishnowsky is a former musician and his rendition of Robbie William’s Better Man went down a storm.

“I had only sung two or three lines and he came over to me and said, ‘I’m guilty’,” said the cop.’

Posted: 12th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

On The Job Training

‘ARE you a people person? Do you interact well in a group or one-on-one atmosphere?

Can you work hard under a man or woman less qualified than yourself?

If you answered “yes” to all those questions, you could be on your way to a new career in Germany – as a prostitute.

Over there, the German Government has ordered all brothel-keepers with 10 or more employees to provide work experience for people wanting to get into the industry.

That’s real on the job training for you.’

Posted: 11th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Text Life

‘DAVID Beckham eat yer heart out. In the time it takes our Dad of The Year to tell a woman what he’d like to do to her, chances are that engineer James Trusler has already done it, smoked a fag and made his excuses to leave. News is that Trusler is the fastest texter in the world.

Originally from Shoreham, Kent, and now residing in Australia, Trusler took just seven seconds to text the message: “The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they never attack a human.”

Oh, and “fancy a f***?”’

Posted: 10th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Standing Tall

‘AJIT Kumar Jain is trying to earn himself a place in the Guinness Book of Records as the most unsuccessful politician of all time.

The employee of a jewellery factory at Dhar in Madhya Pradesh is already a veteran of seven national, nine state and seven civic elections, and is standing in the country’s national elections for the eighth time so that he can get in the record books for losing the most number of times.

Mr Jain, who claims to have spent only £3.84 on election expenses, is using a chariot mounted on a handcart, bearing the slogan: ‘Ensure my defeat with the maximum number of votes’, as his campaign vehicle.

Even Iain Duncan Smith would be hard pressed to compete…’

Posted: 7th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Pushing His Luck

‘FRANE Selaks is nicknamed Lucky after cheating death seven times, having four failed marriages and then winning the equivalent of £600,000 with his first lottery ticket.

But when Doritos tried to tempt him from Zagreb to Australia to film a TV commercial, he was having none of it.

The 75-year-old explained that he didn’t want to tempt fate – and persuaded the company to fly to Croatia to film him.

‘I never had any accidents while travelling on a boat or a ship so I thought about going there that way but it would have taken a month and my wife would not want me to be away for that long,” he said.

‘I didn’t want to risk another accident while I was travelling by air.”’

Posted: 6th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Thai Surprise

‘CILLA, the Wicked Witch of Weatherfield, rode off on her broomstick this week when Les finally realised that he wasn’t the only man in her life (and sometimes not even the only man of her day).

‘Oi, Grantham. Put it away!’

Chesney finally cracked and told Les the truth. “She’s a liar!” he screamed at his mother, who was busy shedding crocodile tears and claiming that Les was the only man for her. “You’ve been seein’ Uncle Ronnie again.” “It’s true Les,” piped in Fizz, “it’s been goin’ on fer years.”

Cilla realised that the game was up (“the game” being what Cilla knows best) and packed up and left. “Oi! Wot about him?” Les shouted, pointing at a cowering Chesney, clutching his puppy. “Tough!” spat Cilla, “I told ‘im wot would happen if ‘e spilt the beans. It’s back in care for ‘im.”

Chesney was left to wander the streets until Rita saw him and took him in – perhaps realising that gingers of the world need to stick together. “You’ve got a responsibility to that lad,” she told Les. Unfortunately the words “responsibility” and “Les” go together about as well as “Posh” and “talent”.

Chesney decided to run away to London and offered Les the £2.71 Rita had given him for helping with the papers for the fare. “Will this be enough to get me to London, Uncle Les?” Chesney asked.

Les finally took pity on the lad and told him that both him and his puppy could stay. After all, Les is used to taking in dogs.

Someone else down on their luck at the moment is poor Fred Elliott. Fred has finally run out of women in Weatherfield to propose to, so he’s decided to try his luck slightly further afield – in Thailand to be precise.

Fred and Mike bumped into fellow Square Dealer Dennis at their local golf club. Dennis was accompanied by his lovely young wife Lilly, who was caddying for him. “You go and sit down,” she told her husband and his friends, “I’ll fetch the drinks. You look a bit tired.”

Fred and Mike looked on enviously as Dennis’ wife happily went off to the bar. “By gum, Dennis!” boomed Fred, “you’ve got a right one there. I say, you’ve got a right one there.”

Dennis lent over to reveal that he’d met Lilly on “t’internet.” “These Thai ladies really know how to look after a man. Companionship and comfort, that’s what they want. Not looks”. Which was music to Fred’s ears, who resembles Jabba The Hut in a white apron.

Fred announced to his bemused son that he was going to buy a computer. “We don’t want young Joshua falling behind at school, do we?” “He’s only two!” replied Ashley. “Are you sure you don’t want to look at all the porn and meet ladies?” he laughed.

“What sort of pervert do you take me for?” replied Fred, “I’d never stoop so low.”

No, that’s best left to the EastEnders cast.’

Posted: 6th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Dead Cert

‘WHEN it’s time to go, it’s time to go – but there’s nothing worse than being shuffled off this mortal coil prematurely.

That is why a cemetery in Santiago, Chile is offering its clients coffins with a sensor that detects any movement inside them to avoid anyone being buried alive.

A spokesperson for the Camino A Canaan cemetery: ‘We want to be pioneers and avoid catalepsy cases, in which a person gets completely paralysed for a few hours and ends up buried as if they were dead.

‘We want families to rest assured that if a case like this ever happens their loved ones will be immediately rescued.’

And of course it’s good business for the cemetery, which gets to bury the deceased a second time…’

Posted: 5th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

No Laughing Matter

‘WHO says the Germans don’t have a sense of humour? A 47-year-old woman has just been fined…for laughing too much.

Officials in Berlin took action against the woman, named only as Barbara M in court papers, when her neighbour complained she was disturbing his peace, and that of his elderly mother, with her constant giggling.

He added that she frequently invited people round where they would laugh the night away. ‘It is against the law in Germany to make too much noise after 10pm,’ he said.

But Barbara, who works for an architectural firm in the German capital, accused her neighbour of exaggerating.

‘I invited some of my colleagues to dinner on one occasion and after a couple of glasses of wine we all started to enjoy ourselves,’ she said.

She said the next thing she knew the police were knocking on her door and a couple of days later she received a fine for 25 euros in the post.

‘It was laughable,’ she added.’

Posted: 4th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Where’s The Beef?

‘IT’S been said that you can spot someone who’s on the Atkins Diet by the miasma of rotten air rising around them. You can also spot them because they only east meat – lots and lots of it.

Isabelle Leota, 29, and her husband Sui Amaama, 26, both on the no-carb diet, were dining at a Chuck-A-Rama in the Salt Lake City suburb of Taylorsville when the manager cut them off because they’d eaten too much roast beef.

‘It’s so embarrassing actually,’ said Leota. ‘We went in to have dinner – we were under the impression Chuck-A-Rama was an all you can eat establishment.’

Not so.

‘We’ve never claimed to be an all-you-can-eat establishment,’ said the restaurant’s manager. ‘Our understanding is a buffet is just a style of eating.”

Posted: 30th, April 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Back Into The Closet

‘TODD’S ‘road to Canal Street’ gay conversion is shaping up nicely – in fact, I predict it will culminate in a ratings-boosting wedding day crisis.

‘Snog boys? No, I just snog old men’

While Sarah was in hospital, potentially miscarrying their baby, Todd took the opportunity to visit Karl in his bed-sit. “I’m here to tell ya to leave me alone,” Todd shouted at Karl – who reasonably pointed out that it was Todd who was standing on his doorstep.

“Tell me yer don’t fancy me?” smirked Karl. “Look me in the eye and tell me.”

The producers then drew a discreet closing credits veil over what happened next, but the next episode started with Todd pulling on his T-shirt. The wardrobe department had subtly put the pair of them in matching outfits a la Elton John and David Furnish.

Todd was horrified but how he’d betrayed Sarah and went rushing back to her side, even setting a wedding date (July 3rd, so set those videos).

Eileen isn’t content to stand by and see her son ruin his life all over again, though. She almost revealed Todd’s secret over a Sunday lunch with the Platts, but Sarah started bleeding and had to be rushed to hospital.

Her next move was to go and see Karl and find out how he felt about her son, a sort of gays’ Cilla Black. “Well I like him,” he admitted, “but I’m not interested in taking on someone who’s so confused.”

Obviously his “not taking on” clearly doesn’t include not jumping into bed with him, which is bound to help Todd’s mental welfare no end. For this week at least, Todd’s decided he’s straight and it’s all systems go for the wedding.

One illicit affair that has been uncovered this week though is Mike and Penny’s relationship. Fred, who’s never been the sharpest knife in the butcher’s block when it comes to women, finally worked out that Penny and Mike were more than just business colleagues.

He went round to Mike’s flat to have it out with him and discovered Penny in the bathroom, dressed only in a towel. “I came round to do some paper work and….” She trailed off, shame-facedly.

Even Fred didn’t fool for that one. “You were my oldest and dearest friend,” Fred told Mike sadly, “but all the time you were laughing at me.” Fred was so upset that he couldn’t even be bothered to repeat the sentence twice.

Someone else who’s heading for a fall is Sally Webster. She’s now started feeding her family gruel in a mad attempt to save money to send Rosie to drama school and has stuck a Taliban-style list of restrictions on her daughter in order to get her to concentrate on ‘her career’.

“Do yer think Catherine Zeta Jones got where she was by snogging boys?” she asked her daughter. Well, there’s a question indeed…’

Posted: 30th, April 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment