Anorak

Strange But True | Anorak - Part 229

Strange But True Category

Weird, offbeat and bizarre news from around the world. Funny, strange & odd news stories that make you wince, laugh and fear for humanity.

Lessons In Love

‘ENGLISH teachers who want a job abroad are hereby directed towards an advert in a Romanian newspaper.

In looking for an English tutor for his child, a Romanian man has placed an advertisement in his local rag that reads: ‘Married man, looking for nice student who knows English for tutoring child. Home and sex included.’

It’s the kind of offer that further shows how far our domestic education system has slipped behind the rest of Europe.’

Posted: 16th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


A Real Ball-Breaker

‘WHEN most burglars break into a house they don’t believe their escapade will leave their testicles impaled on a broken window in the victim’s bathroom.

It’s what happened to a man in Crowthorne, Berkshire. When the man screamed he was dying, Joyce Edwards, the 80-year-old homeowner, replied: ‘Good.’

Woken by the sound of breaking glass, then screams, Joyce went to her bathroom and saw the man dangling on shards of glass in his groin. Rather than help him, Joyce ran out the house.

By the time police arrived to make an arrest, the assailant had lost four points of blood.’

Posted: 15th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Pedigree Chums

‘GIVEN the recent stories about German cannibals, it is not such big news to say that our Teutonic friends have interesting tastes.

Now Uwe Dressler, 45, and Alexander Neumeister, 31, from Dresden have produced a recipe book for cooking with dog meat.

Their work, The Cold Dog, lists the ways they like to cook up poodles, terriers and Afghan hounds.

It is against the law to eat dog meat in Germany but the writers say they won’t let this stop them.

‘Dog meat is low in fat and easy to digest,’ Dressler says. ‘We’re calling for it to be legalised.’ ‘

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Between A Rock And A Hard Face

‘POOR Peter Barlow: stuck between a rock (Shelly) and a hard face (Lucy). With his wedding only a couple of weeks away, he’s dithering like an out-of-contract West Ham player.

‘Come into my kennel…’

Shelly’s mum Bev is getting suspicious and later this week she manages to get Ciaran to confess that Peter ‘was’ involved with someone else.

Apparently producers have shot three different endings to Shelly’s wedding day scenes but it’s a fairly safe bet that whatever happens, Peter’s not going to be capable of fathering any more children for a long, long time.

The mighty Karen McDonald is back where she belongs – with Steve and propping up the Rovers’ bar with a pint in her hand.

At the moment she’s eating humble pie as Janice, Mike and Fizz rage at her for her failed scheme to put them all out of jobs, but this is Karen – she always ends up on top (which as we all know is her favourite position).

‘Don’t worry love,’ Steve comforted her, ‘you won’t be public enemy number one for long.’ And how right he was; within the space of an episode, reigning champion Tracy Barlow regained that title.

Tracy has made a bet with Bev that she can get Roy Cropper into bed and is pulling out all her best seduction techniques. Which strangely seem to consist of her leering at Roy in The Rovers and offering him driving lessons.

Hayley could bear it no longer and tipped a bucket of ice over her. ‘What’s the matter?’ sneered Tracy. ‘Frightened of competition from a real woman, one with ovaries and breasts?’

I fear, gentle reader, that we’re in for much worse from Ms Barlow, as she drugs Roy and rapes him in the next couple of weeks.

There’s more sexual scandal in the Street as Martin succumbs to the ‘charms’ of Katy and sleeps with her later this week. There’s a lot been made about this ‘shocking’ storyline but anyone who’s seen her can testify that Katy’s actually 112 in dog years.

Especially with her new hair do, she’s a dead ringer for Doreen from Birds of a Feather. Martin made his move at the hospital disco where Katie’s working in the canteen. ‘I can’t help the way I feel,’ he told her.

Don’t worry Martin, you won’t have that problem soon – when dad Tommy finds out, you won’t have any feeling at all as he breaks every bone in your body.

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Shelly’s Heroes

‘SHELLY had her hen night this week, in the newly discovered/ built Weatherfield Arms. ‘I just want a quiet night,’ she told Tracy before being whisked off onto the dance floor and force-fed double gins.

And the bride wore vomit

Someone else had other plans for Shelly that night in the shape of random extra, Bob.

Bob was on a dare with his mate to see how many women they could sleep with (let’s face it, you’d have to be on a dare to pull Shelly), and decided that a bride-to-be on her hen night was the best a man could get.

After she rejected his advances, he decided to play dirty and drug her drink. Tracy realised what was going on and managed to stop him – not before Bob landed a punch on Ciaran, who’d come in to try and find Sunita.

To be fair, though, punching Keith Duffy in the face can hardly be classed as a crime. Ciaran went to hospital to get a check up (‘no, still no sign of his brain’) and as luck – and soap coincidence – would have it, who should he bump into there but Lucy, about to give birth.

Ciaran phoned Peter who rushed to the Weatherfield General labour ward which, luckily for him, is about the only ward not run by Martin Platt.

Lucy refused to see him until he told her that he’d broken up with Shelly ‘months ago’. ‘I only hope me wedding day is less eventful than me hen night,’ said Shelly. I wouldn’t count on it, love.

Elsewhere on the Street, love is running more smoothly for Curly and Emma, who have kissed and made up, and for Steve and Karen.

Steve had tracked down the international master criminal to her aunt’s flat on a council estate. After a lot of close-up sobbing scenes, Karen agreed to go back to Weatherfield with Steve to resume her career of bitching and backstabbing.

She’ll need to fight hard to regain her Bitch Of The Street title though as Tracy Barlow is a hot young contender. After trying – and failing – to pull a pensioner (Wally), an Asian David Essex impersonator (Dev) and Steve, she’s now undertaken a bet with Bev to pull that well-known ladies man, Roy Cropper.

‘I’m more of a woman than you’ll ever be,’ she spat at poor Hayley. Well, that much at least is true.

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Incredible Hulk

‘ACTION Man famously doesn’t have one, but the Incredible Hulk does. Ask six-year-old Leah Lowland, who won the Hulk doll at a fair on Brighton Pier and noticed that it had a mystery bulge under its ripped purple shorts.

When she investigated, she discovered that the toy, which is made in Valencia in Spain, came complete with two-inch penis. Mother Kim, from Biggin Hill, Kent, says the dolls should be banned.

‘A hulk with a bulk like this just shouldn’t be allowed,’ she said. ‘Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall it’s amazing how big his willy is.’ That’s why they call him the Incredible Hulk.’

Posted: 11th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Bare Necessity

‘MARIA Ilieva, a Bulgarian ballerina who was sacked after appearing in a porn magazine, is now considering a naked protest in the country’s parliament.

She was sacked as dance director of ballet productions at the Sofia Opera House, after appearing topless in the latest Bulgarian edition of Playboy. She says she was making a protest at the lack of promotion for ballet in the country – and may now take her protest to the very top.

‘I did it out of desperation,’ she said. ‘It’s a cry of despair, or rather a scream to make people aware that the National Ballet exists. My colleagues suggest we go to parliament naked to make them see us. I am desperate. We just have no hope. We are a very good team but we survive thanks to magic and enthusiasm which is about to run out.”

Posted: 10th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Bum Deal

‘ITALIAN men are known the world over for their wandering eyes (and occasionally wandering hands).

But they will have to clean up their act quickly after the country’s High Court overturned a controversial ruling that decreed that pinching a woman’s bottom was not a crime.

In January 2001, it was decreed that it was not a crime for a man to pinch or touch a woman’s bottom provided it was a ‘sudden and isolated action.’

But a panel of judges sitting in Rome have decided that that is no way to treat a woman.

‘Fondling buttocks, unquestionably constitutes a sexual act because the perpetrator commits a substantive and concrete intrusion into the victim’s sexual sphere,’ they said.

‘Such acts, albeit superficial, amount to assault.”

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Love At First Site

‘A 22-YEAR-OLD single mother in Norway has received 5,000 offers of a date after she advertised for love over the Internet.

The woman, known only as Vikki, has even got eight marriage proposals after setting up a website, featuring pictures and video recordings of herself.

However, she says she still hasn’t found anyone suitable.

‘I am shocked at the amount of interest I have received,’ the blonde mother-of-two said. ‘I never thought a homepage could bring this amount of interest. I believe in true love.

‘Only time will show when I will meet the man of my dreams. It could be online or at the grocer’s tomorrow.’

Only men from Bergen should apply, however, as Vikki has said she will never move from her hometown.’

Posted: 8th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


What A Carry-On!

‘ESTONIAN couple Margo Uusorg and Egle Soll have underlined their dominance in the Wife-Carrying World Championships by beating 22 other pairs to win the title for the third year in a row.

To emphasise the Estonian hold on the trophy, Margo Uusorg’s younger brother, Madis, and his partner Ivi Loomets finished second.

About 8,000 spectators turned up to watch the event on the small Finnish town of Sonkajarvi and see the couples tackle a 253-metre track, which featured water and timber obstacles.

Estonians have now won the event every year since pioneering a new technique in 1998.

Such is their dominance that organisers introduced a separate contest this year in which partners had to be married and wives had to be carried piggy-back.

It was also won by an Estonian couple.’

Posted: 7th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Magical Mystery Tour

‘WHAT happens after your child has boarded the school bus? An insight into this burning question has been provided by a school bus driver from Bury, Greater Manchester.

What was supposed to be a simple 10-minute trip to school became a 2-hour journey into the unknown when the driven became lost.

Getting to Tottington High School was proving to be a problem, which became worse when he asked directions of a group of school children. They, of course, sent him off in completely the wrong direction.

When he did arrive at a school, it was the wrong one. ‘

Posted: 4th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


It Could Be You

‘FRANE Selak is a lucky man. Or is he unlucky? To date, the Croatian has had seven accidents.

He survived when the train on which he was travelling left the track and dived into a river in 1962. In 1963, he was sucked out a plane door, but landed on haystack.

In 1966, he was on a bus that did as the train did and took a river swim. He has been driving in two cars that have ‘exploded’. He has been hit by a bus – presumably before it plunged into an icy stream.

And in 1995, he leapt from an out-of-control car and landed in a tree – the car flew down a ravine.

On a brighter note, he has just won £600,000 on the Croatian national lottery ‘

Posted: 3rd, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Stupid Burglar

‘STUPIDITY knows few bounds, especially where crime and America is concerned.

So when a man in Stillwater, Oklahoma, saw an advert for a job at a building company, he went for it.

And he knew the firm well – better than he should – since on the previous day he had burgled it.

Halfway through his interview, he was arrested after a keen-eyed worker recognised his face from the CCTV pictures of his caper.’

Posted: 2nd, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Fair Call

‘WHAT is your wife worth to you? Could a price be placed upon her head? Such a thought entered the mind of a businessman in China, who went to buy a new mobile phone.

He wanted to try out the new Nokia outside the store before making a purchase and agreed to leave a deposit, a guarantee that he would return.

So he left a packet of cash and his wife. And then decided not to come back – ever!

Investigations found that the cash was, in reality, just waste paper and the ‘wife’ was an unmarried woman he had met three days before.’

Posted: 1st, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Stick To Tghts

‘DESPERATE times call for desperate measures, and so it was for the robber who tried to steal from a supermarket in Blackwood, south Wales.

His perfect crime began to go awry when the pair of underpants he had pulled onto his head in order to conceal his identity slipped. Shaken, but undeterred, the robber grabbed the till with such a mighty heave that it came loose of its moorings and smacked him in the face.

He then fled – bleeding.

Said a policeman: ”He had two holes cut in the pants to see through, but this does not seem to have been the best prepared attempt.”’

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Tracy Luv You Long Time

‘THE Street’s very own Bonnie and Clyde rode off into the sunset last week, not with the proceeds of Mike’s factory but with their tails between their legs.

”Tracy! Did you order a spring roll?”

Karen had confessed all to Mike on the promise that he’s not go to the police and that she’d get her job back.

You’d think that Karen would have been working for Mike long enough to realise that his promises are about as reliable as a Connex train timetable – once he’d got her to sign a confession, he promptly told her that she had to pay him eight grand in compensation or leave the Street forever.

As Karen’s collection of Ratners jewellery was never going to come close to that amount, she was forced to leave the Street alone and in tears.

”Good riddance to bad rubbish,” remarked Janice on hearing the news. Steve, however, feels otherwise and, after Hayley told him that Karen hasn’t gone off with Joe after all, Steve has vowed to track her down.

But even he hasn’t been pining too hard for Karen during her absence as he decided to make use of Weatherfield’s latest leisure facility, Tracy Barlow.

On hearing that Steve was to spend his birthday alone, Tracy decided to give him a very special present to unwrap. ”Fancy a Chinese?” she whispered into his ear. ”How do you like it? Hot and spicy or cool and creamy?”

And just like a dodgy takeaway, anyone who samples Tracy is left feeling a bit sick. ”You can’t just dump me like this Steve,” she wailed in the Rovers.

Hayley had just been lecturing Tracy on how shallow and meaningless all her relationships are only minutes before and Tracy decides to take her anger out on the harmless, well-meaning ladyboy.

According to the tabloids, Tracy Luv is set to spike Roy’s drink and pretend that she’d slept with him. In what way is pretending to sleep with Roy Cropper going to enhance her reputation? Even her mum, Deirdre, wouldn’t stoop that low.

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Johnny Foreigner

‘A NORWEGIAN condom manufacturer has sparked a row in the country after urging people to have sex in public places, such as the royal palace and parliament.

RFSU has launched a campaign, called Discover Oslo’s Pearls, which displays prominent tourist sites with large white arrows to point out possible spots for sex.

Manager Tone-Berit Lintho says: ”Sex is something fine and maybe at its best outdoors. The campaign flirts humorously with this theme, while reminding about condom use. I think both the palace and politicians will have a twinkle in their eye and see the humour in the campaign. We know that young people have sex and they don’t appreciate moralising admonitions.”

However, police insist that having sex in a public place is illegal in Norway and people who are caught in the act risk stiff penalties, including fines and even a year in prison.’

Posted: 27th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Well, I Never

‘POLICE in Switzerland surely don’t have the most demanding job in the world, so they must have been pretty excited when they were called out to tackle a deadly snake.

The cops turned out in force after residents of Allschwil near Basel claim to have spotted the snake down a well.

After confirming that it was not one of the slow-worms resident to the area, officers decided that the long green snake was a deadly African Mamba.

But after poking the deadly snake with a long stick for over an hour, it dawned on the police that it was in fact nothing more dangerous than a rubber toy.

”The light in the well was poor and from where we were standing it looked real,” a police spokesman said. ‘

Posted: 26th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Gas Attack

‘IF you thought Gordon Brown was good at coming up with new things to tax, he has got nothing on the New Zealand government which has just announced plans to tax the flatulence of livestock.

Farmers will have to pay a levy of up to 25p a head on cattle and 3p per sheep in an effort to combat global warming.

Apparently, the methane and nitrous oxide from animals’ belches and farts accounts for more than half of all the country’s greenhouse gas emissions.

The government says it will spend the tax it collects from the flatulent animals on researching ways to make them less windy, but farmers complain they are the only country that has to pay such a levy.’

Posted: 25th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Birdie Opportunity

‘WE all know about the 19th hole, the bar into which golfers disappear after 18 holes on the course. But what of the 20th hole, in which players enjoy refreshment of a different kind?

A golf course in California is alleged to have offered players lap dances and sex for money inside tents erected near the putting greens and under canopies at private functions.

And, as a result, the owners of the Hidden Valley Golf Club at Norco have been charged with felony pimping and pandering.

The defence claims that no one actually saw their clients take part in the prostitution operation, but prosecutors insist that managers had to know what we going on.’

Posted: 24th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Beckham II

‘WHEN football-mad Joo Imre and Viorica Precup had a baby son, they had no doubt what they were going to call him – David Beckham. The Romanian couple are big fans of the England captain and when Joo was asked by the registrar for a name it was the first thing that came into his head.

”I hope one day my son can meet the man who gave him his name,” he said. ”A lot of friends have told me it is a stupid name, but I think it’s great.” Unfortunately, the officials registering the birth were not such big fans of Real Madrid’s newest player and managed to put his name down as David Becham.

Not that that 23-year-old Viorica is worried. ”I love Beckham, I love my son – so it’s the perfect name,” she said. ”He’ll grow up to be a footballer. If we have a daughter we want to call her Victoria Beckham.” Or Vicoria. Or Victoia.’

Posted: 23rd, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


The Irish Rover

‘EILEEN has taken the news that Todd’s not sitting his A-levels and not going to university better than expected. By the way he’s walking, he’ll still be able to father children one day.

”Have yous heard the one about the Oirish papstar who joined a soap?”

She restricted herself to simply throwing him out of the house and a small catfight in the street with Sarah Lou.

Todd is determined to make a life for himself though and has got himself a job as a hospital cleaner and next week he moves into the flat above the bookies.

Since the only person on the Street to have a degree is Ken Barlow and he was a supermarket trolley-stacker, it’s not really surprising Todd decided he was wasting his time.

Everyone’s least favourite Irish stereotype, Ciaran, is back. He burst into Sunita’s flat just as Dev was about to propose marriage. ”Jeysus and Begorrah! ‘Tis marvellous to be to back to yer arms me love,” he told a startled Sunita and Dev.

Both Ciaran and Dev are prepared to fight dirty to win Sunita’s hand: Dev admitted that he’d hidden a letter Ciaran had written her and Ciaran pretended to Dev that he’d slept with Sunita the night she let him sleep on her sofa.

Sunita admitted to Bev that she’s finding it hard to chose between them and, let’s face it, there isn’t much that separates the pair of selfish, sexist pigs, is there?

There’s more heartache in store for Karen, who finally realised that Joe never loved her and had only been using her to get at Mike. Karen finally discovered her conscience (down the back of the sofa, probably) and confessed to Mike what she and Joe had been up to.

Mike made her sign a confession and confronted Joe about the bogus company he’d set up. ”Arctec? Do you think I’m stupid? That’s an anagram of Carter.” Joe looked amazed – not least because Mike knew what the word ‘anagram’ meant.

Karen caught up with Joe as he was clearing out of the flat. ”You never loved me, did you?” she sobbed. ”Let’s just say you were enjoyable,” he sneered.

Well, what does Karen expect when she advertises her services on the gents’ wall in the Rovers?

Posted: 23rd, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Pot Luck

‘MAKING a change from the occasional mouldy boot and rubber tyre, a fisherman in France has hauled up an interesting find – 66 pounds of cannabis.

Fishing on the river Yvette, on the southern edge of Paris, the fisherman spotted something in the waters. He threw in his line and snagged 28 bags of cannabis resin.

”Perhaps it was the usual hiding place for a drug trafficker,” a local policeman said.

”With the heat, the [water] level had fallen. There was only about 50 cm of water,” he said. ”It’s very rare that people bring in this sort of commodity in such quantities.”

But very tasty, all the same. ‘

Posted: 20th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Nice Ass

‘PROVING how versatile a donkey can be in isolated parts of the Balkans, comes the story of a new donkey taxi service.

Tourists getting off a Greek bus at the new Qafe Bote border crossing with Albania were less than enthralled by the local taxi service: a donkey with a taxi sign tied to its head.

Albanian villagers have started the novel taxi service at the new crossing to help travellers pass the 1.5-mile mountain path between the two Balkan neighbours. The price is two euros.

‘During weekends and holidays people come loaded with luggage. On those days I make six runs,’ said Avni Mullai, 50, a donkey enthusiast. ‘

Posted: 19th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Go Forth And Multiply

‘NORRIS McWhirter has much to answer for. In a bid to enter the famed Guinness Book of Records, a man from the United Arab Emirates has just married an 18-year-old bride of good childbearing stock.

The suitably named Dad Mohammad Murad, 53, has already been married many times – he has three other current wives, four dead wives and four divorced.

Together these wives have presented him with a total of 63 children. And he’s going for the magical ton.

”I hope to have 100 children and get in the Guinness Book of Records,” said Murad, who thanked a diet of fish and dates for his stamina.

Murad has 30 sons and 33 daughters.’

Posted: 18th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment