A born-again Christian regrets stealing vinyl from Out On The Floor Records in London’s Camden Town 10 years ago. The thief realised that his religion looks unkindly on stealing, so he parcelled up the goods and sent them back to the shop.
He slipped this note between the record sleeves:
“Dear – when I was a teenager, I pinched a few records from you, about 10 years ago. I became a Christian not too long ago and wanted you to have these records – I hope you can put them to good use. Sorry, with regards.”
The haul includes records by The Cure, The Smiths and The Stone Roses.
Basil the elderly Jack Russell was out walking in Chapel Hill, Lincolnshire, when a shaft of plant got wedged up his urethra.
“He was walking like John Wayne when he ran back to us so I knew something was wrong,” says owner Jill Larcombe. “So I checked him and when I saw it I did a double take. I thought ‘oh my goodness, it can’t be’ – there was this stick-like shaft sticking three inches out of him. I tried to give it a little pull but he went ballistic.”
To Texas, where mother-of-three Mandy Wells, 32, tells police she “thought for minute that it was a bad idea” to provide alcohol and drugs to a party of 12-14 year olds but “did it anyway”.
Court documents allege Wells provided her “depressed” 14-year-old daughter and her pals with cans of Coors Light beer (is that alcohol?) and marijuana, which she loaded into a glass “Hello Kitty” pipe.
Wells allegedly confessed to, yes, letting the kids booze, and, yes, letting them get stoned, but she “kept them under control.”
These are the Calpol Kids who graduated.
Wells is being held in the Parker County jail in lieu of $20,000 bond. Her children are away with the social services and the fairies.
An exasperated Vietnamese-Australian man has shared a photo of his passport to prove his name really is Phuc Dat Bich after he was banned from Facebook several times.
Dats Phuced Up
Mr Phuc Dat Bich, 23, says “nobody seems to believe me when I say that my full legal name is how you see it… I’ve been accused of using a false and misleading name, which I find very offensive. Is it because I’m Asian? Is it?”
Phuc Dat Bich says his Facebook account had been “shut down multiple times” with demands that he “change my name to my ‘real’ name”.
Mr Phuc works in IT, apparently. He might be known as Mr Phuc IT.
To Arkansas, where young white male offenders are offered a deal: take a sound spanking to your naked backside and get a reduced sentence. It’s alleged that Judge Joseph Boeckmann, swapped jail time for hanky spanky times. Boeckmann is also accused of having child pornography on his computer.
Boeckmann regularly awarded “substitutionary sentences” of community service to certain defendants, typically white males between the ages of 18 and 35, according to the ethics complaint released Tuesday:
And there are, as ever, the alleged dirty pictures:
Despite the seriousness of the allegations, the commission investigating them has no power to suspend Boeckmann or remove him from office, according to a report from ArkansasOnline.com. Instead, the commission would have to seek Boeckmann’s removal through the Arkansas Supreme Court.
Boeckmann, who isn’t commenting on the allegations, has 30 days to respond to the ethics complaint.
You wonder what kind of deal he’s try and negotiate, if found guilty.
Kink of the day features the 15-year-old who broke into a home in Laurel, Maryland, stole an iPad, masturbated into the fridge, ate some food from it, then left. No, wait. He ate the food before tossing off into the cold box.
The kid has standards.
|if you have been the victim of a break in, it might bean idea to toss out the mayonnaise.
To Florida, where a woman has been shot in the head at the Regency Inn and Suites in Tampa. Tyrone Fields, 21, says he shot her by accident. He says they were in a ‘role-play scenario’. He would hold a gun to her head as they had sex.
Fields says he removed the magazine out of the 9mm semi-automatic pistol but forgot about one bullet in the chamber. He says he lay on top of her, put the gun to her head and then it just went off.
The dead woman, Christina Meagher, 18, of Tampa, had no injuries consistent with sexual battery. Tyrone Fields can now enjoy some more freaky sex in a long prison sentence.
The US Registry of Motor Vehicles says Massachusetts woman Lindsay Miller can, as a Pastafarian, wear a colander on her head on her licence photo. The RMV only allows drivers to wear hats in their pictures for a medical or religious purpose. Miller says her Pastafarianism counts.
“As a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I feel delighted that my Pastafarianism has been respected by the Massachusetts RMV,” says Miller. “While I don’t think the government can involve itself in matters of religion, I do hope this decision encourages my fellow Pastafarian Atheists to come out and express themselves as I have.”
She was represented by The American Humanist Association, which said Pastafarians believe the existence of a Flying Spaghetti Monster is “just as probable as the existence of the Christian God”.
“The First Amendment applies to every person and every religion, so I was dismayed to hear that Lindsay had been ridiculed for simply seeking the same freedoms and protections afforded to people who belong to more traditional or theistic religions,” said Patty DeJuneas, a member of the Secular Legal Society, which works with the American Humanist Association. “We appreciate that the RMV recognised the error, apologised, and issued a licence respecting her First Amendment rights, and hope that RMV staff will be trained to respect diversity.”
Good to see that Rastafarians are not touchy about someone lampooning them. No bombs. No cries of how offended they are and vows to attack Miller.
Take it away, Barrington Levy – collie weed for the colandar:
Oakland Raiders player Ray-Ray Armstrong is accused of barking at a police dog and pounding his chest. Police stepped in after Armstrong, 24, allegedly lifted his top and woof-woofed in the direction of a police dog before the start of Sunday’s NFL game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
“The dog was going crazy,” says chief deputy Kevin Kraus said. “The deputy was trying to control the dog the best she could. We were immediately notified about the incident, and we immediately initiated a criminal investigation into the matter.”
No, not to investigate why a hard-to-control police dog is so close to professional athletes, and barking at them. Police are investigating Ray-Ray and his woof-woof.
Police deputy Maria Watts, the handler of Bandit the dog, says Armstrong was shouting “Hey dog, hey dog” after leaving the locker room before the game. “Bandit was very agitated. He wanted me to let him go. I imagine with his training and experience he would have gone to his target who was taunting him. I don’t want to speculate on what he would have done.”
We join the action as pregnant Akeela Ali, 25, is carrying out a ‘sex act’ on her husband Fahad Bilal, 26. Their children aged three and five are close by, running around playing in Westfield shopping centre in Shepherd’s Bush, London.
Dads on family shopping expeditions can be trying. But the wife easing tensions with a blow job in public is not the done thing. Even in Aldi.
Now fast forward to see Ali and Bilal, both of Newport, south Wales, stood in the dock at Hammersmith magistrates’ court. They admit the charge of outraging public decency on 23 July.
The couple say they “thought about stopping” when their children interrupted, but carried on. They explained: “It just happened.”
Prosecutor Arlene De Silva narrates:
“On the 23 July this year Miss Ali was at the Westfield shopping centre along with her husband and also with their two children aged three and five. Just after 8pm they were sitting on a sofa in the lift lobby lounge area on the first floor facing three elevators. Mrs Ali sat beside her husband and was clearly engaging in oral sex. This went on for around 10 minutes. They were interrupted several times by the children. The incident was captured on CCTV. When she was interviewed on 22 October she said she had gone shopping with her children. She said she was pregnant and as a result her hormones were everywhere. She said they started kissing as their kids were running around playing. She said ‘it just happened’.
“When their children interrupted she felt what they were doing was wrong but they carried on. She was aware that one of the children was sitting beside Mr Bilal for some time during the incident. She said she regretted the incident and was ashamed. Mr Bilal said it was a human mistake. It was not that busy at the time but he knew it was a public area.”
The couple are banned from London for eight weeks.
Meanwhile, we imagine Fahad gamefully trying to recreate the seductive magic of Westfield shopping centre in the comfort of his own home.
To Brazil, where New Zealander Phillip John Smith has flown whilst on day release from Springhill Prison. Having obtained a passport under his birth name, Phillip Traynor, Smith foxed the CCTV and customs wonks by wearing a toupee as part of his disguise.
He then jetted to Rio de Janeiro, where after eight days on the lam he was nabbed by Brazilian police.
Back in prison, he wants access to his hair.
Smith has now asked his lawyer, Dr Tony Ellis, to file a judicial review if Corrections continue to deny him access to the toupee.
“He is upset about it. He took some time and effort to get it in the first place. It was approved by Corrections, and now he is not allowed to wear it,” says Ellis.
Auckland Prison Director Tom Sherlock said Smith was originally granted permission to wear the toupee to assist with his reintegration while on temporary releases. Because Smith was not longer eligible for temporary release, access to the item had been revoked. “A hairpiece is not an authorised item in prison, special permission must be granted by the prison director,” he said.
“As his circumstances no longer require the use of a hairpiece, approval has not been granted.”
Ellis is outraged:
“If he is entitled to it when he is released, why is it different in the prison? It’s is a grossly unfair punishment. They need too give it back, and stop messing about.”
Sociologist Greg Newbold from Canterbury University said not allowing Smith his hairpiece was impinging on his human rights. “It seems like pure vindictiveness on the part of Corrections. He is still entitled to be treated as a human being.” Newbold said it appeared as if Smith was being punished for wearing the toupee when he escaped. “It looks like a punitive measure to me, and it’s completely inappropriate.
“I don’t see any reason why a person should not be allowed a toupee in prison.”
However, Garth McVicar from the Sensible Sentencing Trust said Smith was in prison to be punished, not pampered. “I think that it is absolutely ludicrous. It is another example of our ridiculous offender-friendly, criminal-centred justice policy coming back to bite us,” he said. McVicar said he supported the protection of human rights within prisons, but Smith’s plea was going too far. “I wonder why on earth as a nation we are bending over backwards to make sure these offenders have these rights. I am all for having the right to survive and not be threatened, but this is going too far,” he said. Smith will go on trial in January to face charges of fraudulently obtaining a passport and escaping custody.
Matt Morgan of Morgan & Morgan at law says he’s been hired to help raise awareness about the issue of hugging in schools.
Keen minds are focused on Jackson Heights Middle School in Oviedo, Florida. Ella Fishbough has been handed a detention for hugging a classmate. Morgan of Morgan & Morgan is on it. He says:
“According to these alleged policies and procedures, a simple hug given to a friend in their time of need is apparently worthy of reprimand. We believe this conduct sends the wrong message to our children. They should be encouraged to be kind, not discouraged. The family hopes to bring awareness to this issue in an attempt to make our school systems a more compassionate and loving place for children to spend their days.”
Although we would advise teacher to resist all urges to hug any pupil. See also: throttling, frotting and feeling. Throwing a board rubber at their faces from distance of more than 4 feet is allowed, if not encouraged.
Seminole County School District spokesman Michael Lawrence, counters:
“If you’re hugging your friends, you just won a big game, they’re all mobbing you and giving you a hug, or you just saw your friend over the summer and you’re greeting them briefly for the first time, that’s okay.”
Although how good a friend is if you’ve not seen them for the entire summer? Is a hug a little OTT?
But Jackson Heights orders “no hugging”. Ever.
“They get those planners year after year. That’s something that we will review, and if it needs clarification, we can tweak the verbiage of that particular area.”
Tweaking is allowed. But not ‘there’, ‘there’ and most certainly not ‘there’…
The 41-year-old Colombian man was HIV positive. What killed him, as reported in the New England Journal of Medicine, was the cancer he caught from the parasitic tapeworm.
The US Centres for Disease Control and the UK’s Natural History Museum diagnosed the unusual type of cancer. Dr Atis Muehlenbachs, who discovered the oddity, says: “It didn’t really make sense… this had been the most unusual case”.
The tumours appeared to be normal and some were more than 4cm across and found in his lungs and liver. But after further inspection, the infected cells were found to be a tenth of the size of normal human cells. Molecular testing identified high levels of tapeworm DNA in the tumours. The patient was unable to be treated by the time doctors had identified what the tumours were. He died three days after the worm DNA was discovered.
The worm tissue came from the dwarf tapeworms, known as Hymenlopis nana, which is a specialism of Dr Peter Oslon from the Natural History Museum. He said: “It is able to carry out its whole lifecycle in one host and that is absolutely unique.”
To Bartlett, Tennessee, where Donna Hastings, 53, is arguing with a man at the Dan McGuiness Sports Bar. He says she assailed him over payment for roofing work. Hastings says he never completed the job. He begs to differ. Hastings grabs his prosthetic leg, twists it, and pulls it off.
The one-legged roofer loses his balance and falls off his bar stool.
Prevented from leaving the bar by other drinkers, Hastings throws the leg down and drives off. He says the leg costs $2,731.92 to replace.
Hastings has been charged with two counts of robbery and two counts of vandalism of more than $1,000.
At Our Lady of Lourdes school in Cincinnati, Ohio, six-year-old are playing Power Rangers. One child picks up an imaginary bow, loads the arrow, takes aim at another boy and fires. A hit!
He is duly suspended from school for three days. The boy’s parents, Matthew and Martha Miele are agog. Martha spoke with Principal Joe Crachiolo.
“I didn’t really understand. I had him on the phone for a good amount of time so he could really explain to me what he was trying to tell me. My question to him was ‘Is this really necessary? Does this really need to be a three-day suspension under the circumstances that he was playing and he’s 6 years old?’
“He told me that he was going to stand firm and that he was not going to change it.”
Crachiolo then sent a letter to all parents:
“I have no tolerance for any real, pretend, or imitated violence. The punishment is an out of school suspension.”
“I can’t stop him from pretending to be a super hero. I can’t stop him from playing ninja turtles. I can’t stop him from doing these things and I don’t think it would be healthy to do so. His imagination can go limitless places. We try to encourage that as parents.”
Karl Jensen, 27, and Lisa Mary Hutchinson, 26, have been jailed for smuggling drugs, a knife, a plastic Kinder Surprise egg containing five Sim cards, a bottle of vodka, a USB chargers and a McMuffin sandwich into London’s Wormwood Scrubs prison.
Jensen tied the meat, cutlery and additives to a fishing line that was pulled into a cell.
Hutchinson was jailed for two and a half years and Hutchinson received a 12-month community order.
Det Con Andy Griffin said the combination of items “could have been deadly.”
But in isolation, the McMuffin is the most feared.
To Iowa, where Ross McDonald, 39, has been pulled over by police who have spotted him driving the wrong way down a road. Police say he is dressed as “flasher” might. The police reports says:
“Def was only wearing a trench coat and a piece of cloth that looked like a penis. Upon arrival at the police precinct, McDonald attempted to eat toilet paper, thinking it would mess with the breathalyzer.”
McDonald was arrested and charged with third-offence drunken driving, a Class D felony punishable by up to five years in prison.
His penis is left uninvestigated – but if he ever offers to dry your dishes, best stand well back and shut the kitchen door behind you.
Would you buy fish from a door-to-door salesman? To Lancashire, where Marion and Alan Johnson, aged 85 and 88, agreed to buy £24 of fish from a man on their doorstep.
Marion explains what occurred:
“We had just been to the doctor’s and I wasn’t very well. When the men called, we just wanted £24 worth of fish and I asked him to put it in the kitchen as I sat in the living room. I paid on card but when they left and we walked in the kitchen I’d never seen as much fish in my life. I checked the receipt and we’d been scammed, paying £204. The fish wasn’t even labelled so we didn’t know what type it was.
“We didn’t have anywhere to store it so we had to go out and buy another freezer to store it. We ate some of it but then saw on Facebook people were saying it wasn’t safe to eat. There’s now just have loads of fish we don’t know what to do with and we feel really dumb because we fell for it.”
The scammers are swine. But the pat about the couple going out and buying a new freezer to store their unwanted fish in puts the tin lid on the story.
Paul Noone, head of Trading Standards for Lancashire County Council, advises: “The best place to buy fish is from a local fishmonger at an established shop or stall or from a regular local roundsman. You are taking a risk by buying on the doorstep from an unknown trader as this fish may be of poor quality, misdescribed, or overcharged. We are currently investigating cheap fish sold as sea bass, farmed salmon sold as wild, short-weight sales, and Preston cases where a vulnerable lady paid £404 for seven packs of fish, and a retired couple paid £360 for a bag of unlabelled fish.”
Indiana Z. Jones of Rushville, New York, was pulled over by police. Rather than leaving the vehicle, Indy put his foot down. Police gave chase. Other police up ahead tossed down “stop sticks” that blew his tyres.
Jones, 21, was charged with unlawfully fleeing a police officer, obstructing governmental administration, reckless operation, speeding, speed not reasonable and prudent, failure to comply with a lawful order, failure to keep right, moving from lane unsafely, driving an uninspected and unregistered vehicles, improper licence plates, driving without insurance and multiple vehicular equipment infractions.
In his defence he cite nominative determinism: Indiana Jones alway runs.
Police in Champlin, Minnesota, say a 38-year-old woman was arrested and has admitted sending anonymous threats to a family that said she wanted to taste and lick their children. Police say the woman was upset because the children made noise and left items in her yard. Carrie Pernula was arrested on Friday and faces possible charges of gross misdemeanor terroristic threats and stalking. Word of the threats spread quickly through social media and neighbours say both they and the family were terrified.
The first anonymous threat arrived on Sept. 27 by mail. The two short sentences said: “The children look delicious. May I have a taste?” The family lives in a Champlin neighbourhood and they have two elementary school students. Terrifed, they called the Champlin Police Department and posted on a Champlin community Facebook page, saying in part, “Opened our mail today to this letter. Obviously my stomach started doing somersaults.” Then, the family began to receive magazine subscriptions.
“Instead of a name on the address label it said things like ‘tasty children’ along those lines,” Champlin Deputy Police Chief Ty Schmidt said. Champlin police traced the magazines and last Friday arrested Carrie Pernula. Police say she admitted to the threats. “She was angry because the kids were leaving things in her yard and I think being a little noisy, being kids, the way kids are,” Schmidt said. The neighbourhood is full of families with young children.
Word of the threats spread quickly on social media and families were terrified for their children. Pernula was released from jail on Monday and is believed to be back at her home. Champlin police say its disturbing someone would create such fear. “In this case they went way beyond the bounds of what should be done,” Schmidt said. Pernula, when confronted by investigators, admitted to sending notes and magazines because the children at that house were “always putting stuff on her porch.” She has not been charged. The Champlin city attorney is reviewing her case.