FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Frtizls in the news. With special guest star, Princess Beatrice…

COURIER MAIL (Aus): “Uproar over incest storyline”

A NEW TV soap storyline involving incest between an aunt and a nephew has been branded “sick” and “opportunistic” by a leading family group. The latest Neighbours plot features Nicola West (Imogen Bailey) and nephew Riley Parker (Sweeney Young) in a secret intimate relationship.

Turns out you can live too close to your family.

It comes after the world was sickened by news that Austrian father Josef Fritzl had imprisoned and raped his daughter for nearly a quarter of a century.

The Australian Family Association has accused producers of using the recent news events to try to attract viewers.

The Australian Family Association has been accused of using recent stories to further its own cause.

GLASGOW DAILY HERALD: “Being a chip off the old block isn’t all it’s cracked up to be - ask Beatrice”

It’s Kaye Adams: Princess Beatrice inherited her mums “great pear-shaped butt of hers? What a bummer!”

Says Kaye: “At first glance there seems nothing positive to be taken from the horrific tale of Josef Fritzl, the Austrian who kept his daughter and three children by her incarcerated in a cellar.”

Well, there’s the Teutonic engineering, the family planning, the…

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THE Sun’s plan to mend Brocken Britain by grassing up celebrities to the UK‘s Celebrity Police Force is floundering.

The grim news is that Paul Burrell will not be prosecuted for perjury despite confessing that he lied at Princess Diana’s inquest. And Burrell has every right to feel let down.

The Sun has a video of Burrell apparently admitting it all. And it handed the tape to the police in the approved manner. They viewed it, and thought that, all things considered, Burrell was not worth the effort.

That it should come to this for Burrell, now deemed less worthy of a date with the CPF than the woman who inherited Alma Colan’s hair. Pah! Even Peaches Geldof, Sir Bob’s brattish daughter, interests the police. But not Burrell.

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PHEW! IT’S so hot that it hotter than Bondi Beach.

So says the Star, which sticks a melting Lucy Pinder on the sands and a needle in Australia’s famous city beach.

The reading are that it’s 34FF in the shade over here and that on Bondi you need to be careful where you trade, what with all the used needles…

OVER the newswires, Anorak learns that “Whitney Houston dazzled the crowd with a rare live performance at a star-studded charity ball in London”.

And not just in any part of London but in a park.

Readers who last saw Houston in a glassy-eyed stupor may wonder if she is in the park serenading the pigeons.

PR guru Max Clifford saw Houston at the Plymouth Jazz Festival in Tobago the previous week, and said she seemed “somewhere else” (Mirror). Or “out of this world”, as he surely meant.

This is the real deal, and Houston’s audience are stars to a man.

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MADDIE WATCH - Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann and Shannon Matthews

DAILY MIRROR: “McCANNS ‘IN CLEAR’”

Kate and Gerry McCann will be formally cleared as suspects in daughter Madeleine’s disappearance by August, their lawyer said yesterday.

Fact. Now the Portuguese police can find Madeleine? And the McCanns can return to Portugal.

Rogerio Alves said detectives in Portugal had finally admitted they have no evidence against the couple and were preparing to lift their arguido status. But he also warned the move could signal the end of the year-long hunt for the four-year-old.

But the Portuguese police are useless, right? And the McCanns have Metodo 3?

But McCann spokesman Clarence Mitchell said: “We don’t want the case to remain unsolved.”

DAILY MAIL: “McCanns’ status as suspects in Madeleine’s disappearance ‘will be lifted by August’”

This August. Fact.

Says Rogerio Alves: “I believe that by August the police will close the case and lift arguido status. I believe it is a very strong possibility.”

Believe. Possibility. Fact.

ROUNDTOWNNEWS (Spain): “Mass of Balloons for Madeleine”

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CHERIE Blair’s autobiography is being serialised in the Sun - “the mum of four finally breaks her silence about life in Downing Street.”

The deafening sound of Cherie’s silence? Finally…

Says Cherie: “Tony used to say in terms of ability that Gordon was way ahead of everyone.

“The irony is, if they’d only worked as closely as originally agreed, Gordon’s chance would have come sooner.”

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BREAKING Paul McCartney news in the Star where eyewitnesses spot the wobbly headed divorcee buying three ties.

Paul is in Lewis’s department store, buying three £11.99 ties – one blue, one brown, and one in hearing aid grey.

“He was really down to earth and seemed pleased,” says Tarja Ord, who served Paul his go ahead neckwear.

In unrelated news, Paul has been voted the most irritating celebrity on plant earth by people who vote on a website.

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HEARD the one about the man who killed a cat because it was teasing him?

It’s true. Says the Express: “In cuffs, the man who killed a cat ‘for taunting him’.” The Mail agrees: “Cat from next door smirked at me… so I killed it.”

There’s a picture of Mr Dougal Thorn in handcuffs, being led to a police car, and on to a police station.

Mr Thorn maintains that having knocked over a vase in his living room, the cat looked “pleased”. The cat, one Chopper, lodged with Sarah Brooker and her partner Tom Walker.

Says Mr Thorn: “The cart became a menace. He looked pleased when he knocked over a vase. Things were getting broken and the vase was knocked over with water and flowers everywhere.”

It looked like a scene from a Dutch damn disaster.

He continues: “I knocked him unconscious with my hand then threw him in the river.”

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THE Mirror is advertising “FREE HANNAH MONTANA trading cards”.

Every day for six days, Mirror readers can pick up cards featuring Smiley Miley, the teenaged temptress from Disney’s hit TV show.

These cards are a “must for any Hannah Montana fan”, whether you’re a pre-teen girl, worried mum or member of the sex offenders’ register who lives on a caravan sites on the Welsh coast.

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CELEBRITY drama of the day: Melinda Messenger’s Blind Love

Melinda Messenger “feared the worst” when son Flynn began to sneeze.

He eyes had started to “bulge”.

Says Melinda: “It looked so horrible. I was sure he was going to go blind.”

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BIG news in the Star that Louise Redknapp, wife to footballer-turned-nodding head Jamie Redknapp, is expecting a baby.

Happy days, and what better time to remember a few of Jamie’s bon mots.

Today Jamie is considering the Premiership title race between Chelsea and Manchester United:

“It’s still in Chelsea’s hands because if they win today they have to hope that Man Utd slip up.”

Are you listening, junior? Can you hear daddy?

ANT (left) and Dec (right) are holding a small statuette (centre).

They are the happy winners of a British Comedy Award for their Saturday night show Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway. It’s 2005, and the Peoples’ Choice Award – voted by you, the People – is theirs.

But they haven’t won, not really. It’s just that Robbie Williams wants to present them with an award so ITV have fixed the vote to ensure they win and that Williams enlivens another televised showbiz AGM.

It’s the Star’s front-page news: “ANT ‘N’ DEC TV AWARD FIXED – Show is fiddled to keep Robbie Williams happy.”

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FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Frtizls in the news

The pensioner made the statement in notes to his lawyer Rudolf Mayer, which were passed on, at Fritzl’s request, to News, an Austrian current affairs magazine. Now read on…

DAILY MIRROR (front page): “I CONFESS”

A picture of Josef Fritzl and the news that “I learned to be disciplined from the Nazis”

He claimed he only locked up daughter Elizabeth, who was then 18, out of love and as a result of Hitler’s Germany which instilled “a high regard for decency and uprightness” in him.

Hitler. He never drank alcohol and shunned tobacco. We also hear that he had only one testicle:

He said that by kidnapping Elizabeth and keeping her in a dungeon labyrinth protected by eight doors, he “rescued” her from “going out to seedy bars” and “drinking and smoking”.

THE SUN (front page): “FRITZL: MY STORY”

Mein Kampf:

“HITLER MADE ME DO IT”

There’s picture of Josef Fritzl and Adolf Hitler. They are “faces of evil”. One’s mania led to the systematic murder of 6 million Jews, hundreds of thousands of gypsies, and a war that cost the lives of 20 million Russians (and many more dead and crippled). The other had sex with his kids.

“Adolf Hitler had been given a rapturous welcome in Fritzl’s home town of Amstetten when he visited in 1938, around the time of the cellar fiend’s third birthday.”

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MEET Mathew O’Mara, the subject of the Sun’s: “Sweet revenge on Facebook.”

A SCORNED woman got her own back on her ex by messaging ALL his 445 Facebook friends - branding him an idle, sponging liar who watched PORN all day.

The woman, who has chosen not to make her name known, says her revenge is worth it - she claims he owes her money and is now unlikely to see it.

But telling a Facebook goup that the Facebook user is a porn surfing idle swine is akin to revealing that Jordan sleeps on her back. It’s most likely what his group like about him. He’s one of them.

Such is the way of the web that had the woman said Mr O’Mara was into fyring his testicles in yak butter and had once embroidered a likeness of Anthea Turner onto his duvet, he would be inundated with messages of support from likeminded coves and asked for tips on how best to reflect Anthea’s blowaway hair on nylon sheets.

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THANKS to the Soar-away Sun, Amy Winehouse is helping police with their enquiries.

The Sun is now the world’s first drugs free paper, committed to shining a small red light from a video camera or mobile camera phone into the faces of the nation’s leading celebrities. (Exclusive via: Beau D’Or Website)

As the official narks newspaper says: “AMY WINEHOUSE was arrested yesterday over The Sun’s sensational video showing her smoking crack.”

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“WHY, oh why, did I wear that one?” asks Princess Beatrice to the Mail’s Richard Kay.

Bea is talking of that bikini, the one she was photographed wearing in the Caribbean.

But she should not be too hard on herself for her choice of garment.

It was the Mail’s Allison Pearson - “Can someone please have a kindly word with her before it all goes pear-shaped?” – and Amanda Platell – “get her body under control” – who told us that it was Bea’s tummy, thighs and arse that were the wrong choice. Rest assured, Bea, the bikini was just dandy.

But young gels will take things to heart and Beatrice has been driven made enough to seek gainful employment.

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FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Frtizls in the news

THE GUARDIAN: “The human monster”

When we seek for causes that distance us “nice” people from the actions of those the media likes to label as “monsters”, Nazi or otherwise, we also dilute the very sense of vigilance and awareness that, perhaps, one day might give help to the most vulnerable at a time when it makes the difference between life and death, or a living death.

COURIER MAIL (Aus): “Spotlight on Austrian horrors”

An interview with writer and filmmaker Stefan Ruzowitzky, who directed The Counterfeiters, teh first Austrian film to win an Oscar:

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IS that Wayne Rooney sporting a massive pair of comedy breasts?

We will each of us react to news of Gazza’s death in our own way, and good on Wayne for invoking his formative footballing memories of 1990 and all that.

But the Sun says it’s not Wayne, rather Natalie Rooney, Wayne’s cousin launching her career as a glamour model.

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