Santa Clause Is A Sex Mad Drug Addict
THE two girls giving the Daily Star’s Santa CLaus something to rest his head upon may have long lusted for snowy-haired men.
Ever since gansta rappers introduced us to an alternative meaning of the word “ho”, the newspapers have been looking at Santa with a questioning eye. Is his traditional “Yo ho-ho” less a jolly cry than a spout of name calling or a prelude to a bout of kerb crawling?
Much may depend on how “Yo ho ho” is said. Is it a cheery “Yo-ho-ho”, a lively “Yo…ho-ho” or an attention demanding “Yo! Ho! Ho!”?
While that heated debate rages, we learn that Santa might be after more than a kiss from mummy and a mince pie. As the Star reports: “SEX-MAD SANTA ALWAYS BLOTTO.”
Readers may expert to hear a salacious and seasonal tale of a shopping mall Santa Claus getting drunk and powering his sleigh-like wheelchair into the Marks and Spencer lingerie section.
The actual news is no less of a shocker as Swedish university professor Jeffrey Valance tells us that the real Santa would feed his reindeer magic mushrooms and then drink their urine to hallucinate. He would then powder their horns into a “home-made Viagra”.
Says Professor Valance: “He was depicted as horned with a prominent penis and wielding a club, and was the personification of lust and debauchery.”
In light of this discovery, Old Mr Anorak has reordered his Christmas Suit and in a nod to authenticity and “doing it right” will be enacting the life and times of Santa Clause in the Anorak Dungeon for the full twelve days.
Yo. Ho. Ho…
December 6th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Santa doesnt say Yo, ho, ho. He says HO HO HO. Santa Claus isn’t a sex addict, his whole life is all about bringing joy to the world and giving presents to everyone while knowing he won’t get anything in return. Leave Santa alone. He never did anything to you.. besides he isn’t even real. He is a made up figure, a tradition, a legend.
December 6th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
Yo-ho-ho - and a bottle of poppers; the man’s a menace
December 6th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
Santa - The original ‘hoodie’?
December 7th, 2007 at 7:05 am
To actually feature this article is on its own a hilarious occasion. Tabloid journalism in this instance is simply amazing. What’s next? Mary “fingerlickingood” Poppins?
December 7th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
And here I was just thinking he was a paedophile. Sneaking into children’s houses. Watching them all the time. Tempting them with toys. The mind boggles…
December 8th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
i hate this sitte
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Mods and Admin
Some Santas are the good guys though
December 11th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
this is ridiculous. santa claus is not a sex feen drug addict, he is simply a fat jolly man delivering presents to children. hes not even real, hes fake, hes a legend. hes been around forever, why are you people trying to stir up things now? are you bored or something? you all need to grow up, you university professors, news reporters, therapists…all of you. read a book or something.
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Mods and Admin
SHHHH! There might be kids about
MADRID (AFP) - Spanish children think Santa Claus is “too fat” and should go on a diet, and that he should ditch his sleigh for a 4X4 or a motorcycle.
The opinions are based on an Internet poll of 4,000 children aged four to 12 by a children’s television channel, Jetix.
It said 53 percent of them think Father Christmas is “too fat,” and 59 percent believe he should eat better to lose weight, or go to the gym (19 percent.)
Many also think that his means of transport is outdated, as a sleigh is too slow for delivering presents.
A total of 35 percent think he should change it for a 4X4 and 31 percent for a motorcycle.
But they are ready to keep at least one Christmas tradition — his big red coat. Only 21 percent of them would like him to come down the chimney in a shirt and jeans
December 14th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
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