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“CELLAR coma girl wakes after seven weeks after being played Robbie Williams songs,” says the Mail.

Josef Fritzl’s granddaughter and daughter Kerstin Fritzl has woken from her two-month coma after being played Robbie Williams songs, says the Mail.

There seems to be something intolerably cruel in playing Robbie Williams to a comatose patient, and we would say it were further evidence of innate Austrian barbarity and how Williams is just a shorter Richard Wagner in knickers.

Sadly, the Mail’s headline is somewhat undone by Doctor Albert Reiter, who says Kerstin opened her eyes naturally from her medically-induced coma

He tells us: “We smiled at her and she smiled back. One night I had to order her to finally go to sleep at 3am as she kept listening to Robbie Williams CDs.”

Anorak recalls another coma incident, this one starring Geri Halliwell who performed unplugged for Jessica Knight: “Geri sang a couple of lines of one of their songs and Jessica started moving her arms and legs,” said mum Jill Walmsley in the Mirror.

Legs twitching, arms flailing – a desperate bid to run away?

In light of these star-led miracles, Anorak has put together a tape of the Top Ten Celebrity Coma Tracks – EVER!

1. Let Me Entertain You - Robbie Williams
2. Candle In The Wind - Elton John
3. Carrie - Cliff Richard
4. My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
5. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da – The Beatles
6. We Didn’t Start the Fire – Billy Joel
7. Cotton Eye Joe – Rednex
8. The Final Countdown – Europe
9. You’re the Inspiration – Chicago
10. I Wanna Know What Love Is - Foreigner

SERVING TIP:
The album should be played down headphones to the patient at full volume. Every three hours a medic – preferable one with an Austrian accent, although a Swiss or German will do - should bend down and whisper in the patient’s ear: “Want to wake up? Or do you want some more…?

Posted: 12th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Josef Fritzl, Tabloids. Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0