How To Be A Gangster, By Jacqui Smith And New Labour
DO you know how to spot is your child is in a gang? The Mirror hears Home Secretary Jacqui Smith offers her tips, and notes:
“Key indicators include…coming home late, using drugs, drawing tags on books, wearing bandanas, using strange slang or hand signals, cutting themselves off from the family and having extra cash.”
Let’s consider the evidence:
Coming Home Late:
Alone, like Jacqui Smith.
Accompanied, like Jacqui Smith.
Taking Drugs
Like Jacqui Smith.
Tagging:
Like Gordon Brown.
But during a recent examination they noticed that the beautifully-carved government Dispatch Box was covered in strange black pen marks. At the next Prime Ministers Questions they stood watch, and caught the culprit in the act. As Gordon Brown gesticulated wildly with his black marker pen, stabbing at the papers in front of him and missing to hit the wood beneath, the awful truth was clear. The PM was the vandal.
Wearing a bandana:
Like Silvio Berlusconi.
Strange slang
As John Prescott might have put it, integratardly.
Hand signals
Like Tony Blair.
Cutting family ties:
Robin Cook, RIP.
Extra cash:
Look out for the signs that your younster is turning into a villain…
Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Gordon Brown, Labour Party, Politicians, Tabloids Comments (14) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
Comments
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September 3rd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
…serious brown-nosing, chenier!!!!
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Gosh!
I hadn’t noticed!
What with you being the boss, and all…
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I tpey farets all hte tmie
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:33 am
Bugger it.
Time to call on higher powers.
Artemis!
Can you switch these posts?
——
M&A
Artemis
No.
You need to learn to type faster.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:31 am
Be reasonable, Magnetite!
The Normans had just thrashed us 5-nil at Battle and Harold was about as much use as a Norwegian Blue; obviously some of the guys were going to take it out on their missusses.
Nothing a few coins to a minstrel and a new dress wouldn’t fix…
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:29 am
Damn it. One key out in the numerics and look lioke a fan of plainsong and the lute. Verily bitch, thou art my chattel. Wouldst thou let me invade thee like William? (only the bottom half)
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:26 am
I miss the sexy, sulltry sounds of 1070’s R&B. So many of those songs were the cheap wifebeater’s friend. pop a number paying tribute to ‘My Laydeee’ on the turntable, all is forgiven. Nowadays they’ll be frantically looking through their collection for a song that doen’t chant ‘ma bitches, ma bitches, ma bitches’ and wind up paying for flowers like a mug. I expect it’s some callous marketing strategy. Soulja Boy brand Apology Bouquets all round. £49 quid a pop.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:17 am
Magnetite,
I was a child of peace and love.
We used to make a special effort for ‘Someone’s going to get their head kicked in tonite’, as recently featured in the Beijing Olympics…
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
I wouldn’t like to feel that I was stating the obvious, but I would think a Heckler & Koch MP5 tucked under your teenagers bed might be something of a clue.
Just one more reason why it is never a good idea for a parent to look under teenagers’ beds…
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
Indeed, If you are going kick someone’s head in, let it be to Celine Dion
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:07 am
Ah, ties. I was a ‘casual’ in the 80’s. I suppose the Chavs of today could take a lesson from us. It just didn’t feel right kicking someone to death to the tune of Feargal Sharkey or Bananrama songs.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:57 am
How long before the yoof start wearing ties? The shame….
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:55 am
Has Jacqui Smith sorted out her wardrobe yet? I cannot take this excuse for a woman seriously whilst she is wandering around looking like a bag-lady!
And Jacqui! You have just described me and all my mates in all your comments.
Goand be a social worker! I’ll give you five minutes before you are lynched!
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:50 am
As well all know yoof culture will be responsible for the Earth falling into the Sun (the star, not the redtop comic). Also has she not confused hoodies with hippies? I preferred the government advice on how to tell if your kid was a glue-sniffer from the 1980’s. Cheap tissues were responsible for many a beating of step-children across Blighty.