Killer Caffeine Is Killing Our Kids
YOU want a media horror story? Here’s one: the Sun says that schools are on “caffeine kid alert”.
Who is this Caffeine Kid, and how do we summon him? Is he bad or good? If bad, can he undone by Ritalin or a pint of London tap? If good, will he pop to the shops and give the upstairs toilet a good once over?
School nurses have been told to watch for signs of caffeine addiction in kids caused by drinks including Red Bull and cola.
And tea. And coffee. But tea and coffee don’t make you fat, so let’s zoom in on the fizzy stuff:
Children are super-sensitive to caffeine, which is highly addictive. Large doses can trigger palpitations and agonising chest pains.
Why are we only learning of their horror now?
Drug Education UK spokesman Bob Tait told a school nurses’ conference to look for pupils complaining of chest pains, headaches, restlessness or sleeplessness.
Because that means they’re in gangs?
“If pupils are feeling unwell they are likely to go and see the school nurse.”
Well, yes. He’s done his research. Go on…
If they come to you with these complaints be aware that there may be a caffeine problem at the bottom of it.”
Or they might be on smack, glue, space invaders, video nasties, E numbers or any amount of fat…
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:54 pm
My three kids can’t function without a double espresso and a packet of pro plus every morning.
Do you think I should be worried?
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Caffeine is the only way for our younglings to stem the wave of early onset Alzheimers caused by repeated exposure to The X-Factor, Last Choir Standing (which disappointingly turned out not to be some mass melodious brawling cross between Songs of Praise and The Running Man) and Britain’s Got Talent.
Yes, you can catch it through your eyes. You have been warned.
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:10 pm
No; I’m with Anorak on this one.
How are nurses supposed to check for signs of incipient gangstadom if they are not caffeined up to the eyeballs?
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Caffeine would be useless to our yoof anyway, turning an otherwise perfectly executed killing thrust into an unexpected game of Pictionary.
“Hey, blood. I know you meant to stab me in the heart, but your shaky hands just caused the blade to skitter of a rib and score my chest. Does that look like a duck to you? No? Maybe you have to be looking at it upside down.”
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:33 pm
AAAAAAAAArrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
I have enough problems with avatars without bringing Pictionary into it.
I probably need more caffeine…
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
School nurses are a pale imitation of the real thing anyway. How is one supposed to develop an unhealthy adolescent attraction that leads to a long career of self-harm and Muchhausen’s by Proxy, when the woman who should be inspiring all of this is looking through your hair for nits?
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Be that as it may, Drug Education UK is otherwise known as NARCONON® Drug Education, and is based on the inspiring scientific research of L Ron Hubbard.
Yes, really…
September 4th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Please can we deliberately see some kids from certain areas being given extra coffee then?
Without National Service what is all this cannon-fodder going to do with itself????
September 4th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
…not the bloody Scientologists again…???
September 4th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Oh yes!
I’m wondering when it will dawn on the Beeb that possibly all is not kosher in the research department…
September 8th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Er, no Drug Education UK isn’t the same as Narconon.