The Large Hadron Collider Has Killed Everyone
THE LARGE Hadron Collider has killed everyone. If you are reading this you are dead. If you are not reading this you are dead.
DAILY TELEGRAPH:
Gill Hornby: “Before the world ends, I just wanted to say: I told you so”
In my own branch of Astrophysics, CKtC - or, to give it its full name, Curiosity Killed the Cat - we jolly well wish they wouldn’t.
Stalking celebrities for science: Alexander Fsachem needs celebs to make sense of the universe on the BBC…
Yet in taking on the challenge of persuading not only the laboratories at Cern (the European Organisation for Nuclear Research) but also Radio 4 to devote a day of programming to particle physics, I have become a kind of weird, celebrity-obsessed stalker, more at home writing for the gossip pages of a Sunday tabloid than in the halls of academe.
Which celebs can tells us all about the big bang, Alexander?
- John Barrowman (actor, Dr Who time traveller)
- Brian Cox (popstar-cum-boffin, New Labour weather machine)
- Robbie Williams (popstar, millennium enthusiast, amn who “plans to hire a jet ski to look for UFOs said to have landed in the sea off Malibu - Sun)
- Mick Jagger (pop star, ceiling gazer)
- Brian May (pop star, ‘Mr Dirty Den’, science student)
- David Blaine (international man of magic)
- Dara O’Briain (BBC telly presenter, “former cosmologist”)
- Eddie Izzard (comic, tranny)
GILLIAN REYNOLDS: “On radio: I wish a black hole would devour Fi and her friends”
“I am completely fed up with Big Bang Day on Radio 4, and it hasn’t even happened yet”
THE SUN: “WE SURVIVED:”
“If you are reading this after 8:3o am it means the world has not been destroyed by the Big Bang Machine… YET”
Although any news from Switzerland?
“DOOM IN 4 YEARS”- It could take 4 years for the experiment to bring doomsday, says some scientists”
DAILY MIRROR: “HAWKING: THE WORLD WILL NOT END TODAY.”
Too late! Abort plan to storm Buckingham Palace. Abort!
The Mirror says that if you are reading this after “9:15am” then you are alive, or the Daily Mirror is part of purgatory. Satan is back…
DAILY STAR: “EARTH MOVES FOR BIG BANG.”
“WHATEVER happens at 8:15 today it’s the end of the worlds as we know it.”
September 10th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Thought it was a bit quiet!
September 10th, 2008 at 11:29 am
I managed to die before I did the ironing? oh jolly good
September 10th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Bloody Hell June, you frightened the life out of me!
September 10th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Creeping up on people convinced that the Black Hole’s a comin’ may not be an optimum activity, Darwin Award wise.
Though in terms of menace I’d take the Black Hole over the rustle of a tutu anytime…
September 10th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Hmmm, maybe I could get used to this last man on earth thing.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:41 am
The chap at CERN whose job it is to stand by the conveyor belt that delivers 50p’s for him to feed the meter with called in sick at 7.15am anyway. The destruction of Earth is therefore postponed until he drags his lazy arse back to work.
They’re just doing the equivalent of warming up the car’s engine on a frosty morning anyway. We’ve got a couple of months of hysteria before they actually start trying to smash God’s testicles between two bricks. That’s when he’ll kick us like a carelessly castrated carthorse. More gin anyone?
September 10th, 2008 at 11:42 am
away n dont talk shite
September 10th, 2008 at 11:43 am
EYG
September 10th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Speak for yourself, you callous brute; as I watch my fellow hippos falling one by one to the ravening jaws of a space time anomaly, I can only hope that Gloria, Hipponess Incarnate, will be able to use that tutu of hers to plug up the gap….
September 10th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Laphroaig, and Glenlivet and anything for Saul.
Are we all ghostwriters now? OOO scary
September 10th, 2008 at 11:46 am
I came into work. I only found out this morning the world would end and I stupidly came into work.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Where there’s blame there’s a claim.
I’ll just call injurylawyers4U and get my name down first.
m and A
fRist
September 10th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
WE ARE NOT GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ITS PETHETIC N IF WE WERE GOING TO DIE WE WOULD BE DEAD NOW!!!!!!!
WOW IM DEAD
THEY WOULDNT DO IT IF WE WERE ALL GOING TO DIE DUHHHHHH!!!!!!
September 10th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
They should have done a practical joke on the Channel 4, and repeat the Orson Wells’s ‘The Mars Invasion’ scenario
I am sure they’ve been tempted … to make a big boom and shout ‘Oh My God, what’s that?’;
I don’t know if I could resist that If I were in charge of reporting ..:-DDDDDDD
September 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Any truth that Switzerland has an “Alchemists Guild”?
If so, get the Tin hats out now.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
candy Says:
September 10th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
They should have done a practical joke on the Channel 4, and repeat the Orson Wells’s ‘The Mars Invasion’ scenario
I am sure they’ve been tempted … to make a big boom and shout ‘Oh My God, what’s that?’;
I don’t know if I could resist that If I were in charge of reporting ..:-DDDDDDD
—————
What and only frighten about 7 people, much better to do it on BBC Three and put the Sh*ts up at least 14.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
OMG IT WUDNT BE FUNNY U MONGS PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PETRIFIED E.G MA LITTLE SISTER DONT BE STUPID!!!!!!
RETARDS
September 10th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Please not, Saul; I’m not at all cheery, and my attempts to embrace my inner dwarf extend only to that remarkably apt battle cry:
‘Today is a good day for someone else to die!’
September 10th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
“Luckily I have a lifetimes experience of not dying”
September 10th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Cheery………very good, I almost missed that one
September 10th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
It’s dodging the billiard balls wot does it…
September 10th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO MY MULTI-VERSE
September 10th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I thought it was only Death who spoke in CAPITALS….?
September 10th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Damn it! I thought the afterlife would be different! I have to spend eternity living my dull life….. it just doesn’t seem fair!
Oh, hang on. We’re still alive aren’t we?
Doh!
September 10th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I believe that Death of Rats is also entitled to the odd EEK…
September 10th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Has the Big Bang banged? yet nothing happened? wow, did I start smoking + drinking (again) for nothing?
The crack and heroin didn’t tempt me though.. someone had nicked it by the time I got back to dig it up…….
September 10th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Right then, time to pack my Pratchetts. A recent court ruling means I have to return some Sand.
September 10th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Oh, wow! So Coco really DOES have children?
September 10th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Saul,
My heart goes out to you.
Forced by a cruel and insensitive judiciary to trot back to somewhere warm…
September 10th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
You know me, if they want a reconstruction, who am I to refuse.