Islamic Terrorists Audition For Dirty Dozen In British Jail
“TERRORISTS inmates are recruiting a new army of extremists in British prisons,” says the Star Says column.
Have the jihadis been watching the Dirty Dozen? Is Abu Hamza Lee Marvin 32ith an in-built Swiss Army knife?
“Worried bosses are now thinking about housing all Britain’s terror lags in one super-prison to keep them away from others.”
The Daily Star can read their thoughts. It rubs it temples and urges restraint, saying that placing the terror lags in one jail “would light a time bomb that could destroy Britain”.
Of course, these prisoners are in, er, prison, and subjugating the rest of the country when you’re sat on the toilet next to your bed is no small matter.
The Star advises that the terrorists should be locked in solitary confinement, so as not to reveal any clues to other inmates and MI5 operatives in jail, and “they should throw away the key for good”.
It’s a genius plan that shows that the Star is one paper that will not stand for fascists who want to destroy this fair land…
Update: The Star’s example of a prisoner who was turned onto al-Qaeda while in jail is “notorious” Richard Reid, the idiotic shoe bomber with face like melted car tyres. It might be that if Al Qaeda fears anything, it should be itself…
September 29th, 2008 at 11:52 am
‘placing the terror lags in one jail “would light a time bomb could destroy Britain”‘
Are Bin Laden’s Boyz now so sophisticated that they can collectively metamorphose into one big bomb when they are all within a square mile of each other?
September 29th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
“light a time bomb”
Read that over again
“light a time bomb”
We’re doomed…
September 29th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
We’ll be doomed if the LHC goes to full power at the same instant. Mwuhaha.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I must say, you are a little conservative on the insane cackling front, but my expectations may be a tad inflated.
I’m confessing to 3,284 offences of abusing Usenet …
September 29th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I was worried about the Anorakian Goddesses “taking me out” if I cackled too much. Whether they’d take me out with a sniper rifle or take me out to the local cafe, I daren’t ask.
Even so, we’re all doomed for one reason or another. Does it make a difference what it is anymore?
September 29th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
‘Even so, we’re all doomed for one reason or another. Does it make a difference what it is anymore?’
—————————————————————————
Don’t worry - Lieutenant Ellen L. Ripley will save us!
September 29th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Alcohol works well, though, if you value your life, don’t provide ambrosia to Artemis.
She hates the bloody stuff.
I object to being doomed because hacks can’t even grasp that you don’t light a time bomb, due to the fact that there is nothing to light.
If home sapiens goes out in a blaze of glory, kenning things which we are not meant to ken, that’s one thing.
I’m not keen on the prospect, but at least there is a blaze.
Going out with a whimper as the last celebrity reality show tanks the planet is another kettle of sardines…
September 29th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I’ve never seen a kettle of sardines before. Perhaps the terrorists are smuggling in fish filled with plastic explosives in order to break out.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
‘Lieutenant Ellen L. Ripley will save us!’
Indeed! Walking round prisons in her knickers will put all the terrorists into a coma and save us all…mmmm.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Yep; they had to call off the frozen prawn caper after some buffoon accidentally mixed in half a ton of cocaine instead of the semtex…
September 29th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
wasn’t the last ‘time bomb’ a british terrorist lit still attached to his feet?
September 29th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
in my opinion, this is a case for sue Thomas FB Eye if ever i saw one.
that way she wouldn’t hear all the bollocks being talked by the Star.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:20 am
I’m all for them building new prisons, but I’m not sure that giving them superpowers is such a good idea. The government has a bit of a problem keeping stuff safe and secret, so they’re bound to leave the substance that turns Superprison evil when he’s near it on the train or in Starbucks. A quick montage of it being passed from hand to hand until it ends up in Osama’a supervillain hideout in Somewhereistan. Two weeks later and we’re all hoping for Superprison’s sidekick, Mighty Joe Young Offender’s Institution to save the day - or at least stop him splattering people with his giant arms, better known as C and D wings.