Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Mirror and Mail agree: driving on the mobile is a deadly campaign
Do you use your mobile phone when driving. don’t. It’s stupid and dangerous. The Daily Mail and Daily Mirror agree.
Over in China, you can disguise your phone as a cigarette packet. Which is all well and good until other drivers spot it, the child in the car with you and look across to frown.
The Mail and Mirror both see driving whilst calling as a campaign. Newspapers love campaigns – they’re pretty much the other thing that differentiates one from the other. But not always. Not today.
Posted: 15th, September 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Brexit balls: Sweden, Austria, Cyprus, Finland, Ireland and Malta declare war on Britain
Big news in the Express. And it’s hard luck on those Scots who wanted independence. “The EU has declared WAR on Britain”.
Express readers are conflicted? Do they read about the coming invasion, or the that TV’s Phil and his mum have been “driven mad” by parking fine Nazis? Option ‘c’ is to go to bed and hope the Express‘ cover is the product of some bad (French) cheese. But sleeping will give you diabetes. So stay awake and know that war has been declared by… EU MEP Nigel Farage. The dirty turncoat!
Says Farage at EU HQ:
Mr Juncker sat with his head in his hands as Mr Farage told him: “In fact there is only one real nationalist in the room and it’s you because you want flags, anthems, armies. I frankly think that this appointment amounts to pretty much a declaration of war on any sensible negotiating process. You are an EU nationalist and I frankly think that this appointment amounts to pretty much a declaration of war on any sensible negotiating process.”
The appointment he refers to is the EU appointing “hardened federalist Guy Verhofstadt to a key role in the Brexit negotiations”.
Yeah. The EU’s only one and given the job to someone who like the EU. The sneaky sods.
Anyhow, it’s war. But not with our EU partners who are also NATO members -22 out of 28 NATO countries also belong to the EU. So it’s war with the rest: Sweden, Austria, Cyprus, Finland, Ireland and Malta.
We march at dawn.
Posted: 15th, September 2016 | In: Politicians, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
EastBenders: rewriting the ‘legend’ of Michael Cashman and ‘yuppie poofs’
Lord Michael Cashman, the Labour MEP, is making a return to BBC soap opera EastEnders as Colin Russell, the show’s first gay character.
Colin is remembered for a scene in 1987 when he and Barry Clark (Gary Hailes) preformed the first gay kiss on a British soap opera.
The Sun is delighted Colin is back, calling the character a TV “legend”.
Back then the paper dubbed the show EastBenders and called Barry and Colin “yuppie poofters”, whose “homosexual love scenes” was performed “when millions of children were watching”.
The Gay Times recalls:
When the storyline did air, Michael’s real-life boyfriend found his world turned upside down. On the centre pages of the News of the World read the headline “secret gay love of AIDS scare east ender” – outing Michael’s partner to his friends and family. “They printed our address – all but the door number – and that afternoon a brick came through the window.”
Legends can involve real people. Who knew?
Posted: 8th, September 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Arsenal scout Eddie Howe who has ‘no regrets’ about leaving Bournemouth
More news that AFC Bournemouth manager Eddie Howe is gearing up to replace Arsene Wenger at Arsenal.
The Sun declares: “Ed Hunted.”
Adding:
EDDIE HOWE is under serious consideration to become the next Arsenal manager. SunSport can reveal that the highly-regarded Bournemouth chief’s name is being discussed in the corridors of power at the Emirates.
Revealed? Like the Star revealed on July 28: “ARSENAL have earmarked Eddie Howe as a potential successor to Arsene Wenger.” As for the Sun’s story, which contains no quotes, we’re told:
Eddie Howe is being lined up as a replacement for Arsene Wenger as Arsenal boss
News reaches Bournemouth.
The Sun reports:
HOWE ABOUT NO Eddie Howe to Arsenal: Bournemouth chief Jeff Mostyn issues hands-off warning over man tipped to replace Arsene Wenger
He tells TalkSport:
“Eddie is a Bournemouth boy through and through. He has been with the football club since he was ten. There is unfinished business. He wants to ensure that if and when he does move on he will leave a legacy.”
Or as the Sun puts it in its other Eddie to Arsenal story:
Howe inspired Bournemouth and led them to promotion to League One in 2010, only to leave for Championship side Burnley in January 2011.
As Howe told BBC Radio Solent back then:
“I turned down two other clubs this week because I wanted to stay but this was just one I couldn’t turn down. There were no reasons why I should from a personal and professional point of view. It just ticked all the boxes. I found it very difficult from the week’s events to come to that decision but I thought if I didn’t it would be something I would regret for the rest of my life.”
If Arsenal want him, he’ll surely go.
Posted: 7th, September 2016 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Derby balls: Manchester United and Manchester City fight The War Bitchy Comments
Why don’t Manchester City’s Pepe Guardiola and Manchester United’s Jose Mourinho just duke it out. The Mail previews the big United v City match by drooling over the prospect of violence:
“Police fears for Jose v Pep,” screams the headline.
The usually harmonious Manchester derby is causing police to be scared?
“The explosive rivalry between Jose Mourinho and Pep Guardiola – and the increased tension it may bring to the terraces – are part of the police’s planning for the Manchester derby. Sportsmail understands that officers on duty for Saturday’s clash between the two sides, the first battle between the feuding managers with their new clubs in England, will be told of the pair’s feisty history and the effect that may have on their operation.”
It’s war. We’ve had the War of Jenkin’s Ear, the War of The Stray Dog and The Pastry War. Prepare yourselves for The War of The Bitchy Comments. It’s gonna be bloody (marvellous).
Posted: 7th, September 2016 | In: Back pages, Manchester City, manchester united, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
‘Camp’ Keith Vaz’s sex life ‘shame’ looks like gay-bashing
The Mail leads with news of Keith Vaz, the Labour MP the Daily Mirror claims paid two men for sex. It calls him “SHAMELESS”, adding: “Keith Vaz was shamelessly clinging to power last night after he was exposed for paying rent boys for sex.”
‘Clinging to power’ make him sound like the leader of the country rather than a Labour party MP (the two positions being mutually exclusive as Labour dissolves under Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership).
As for paying “rent boys” for sex, what else do you pay them for? And boys? No. They were men, allegedly. Why do gay men who pay for sex do so with “rent boys” and not “prostitutes”? There is a whiff of something nasty in the air.
Surely we’ve got over the news that some men enjoy sex with other men? But in his catty profile of the man, Quentin Letts calls Vaz “Camp Keith”, noting his “flamboyant bitchiness”; he was “giggly and silly” as a Minister in Tony’s Blair’s cabinet; he “sashayed around Westminster”; “If you stood down wind of him you were more likely to catch a whiff of aftershave”.
Is it the alleged extra-marital sex that upsets the Mail or the fact it involves men?
Aside from Letts (married!) The Mail is aghast that Vaz did not not step down as Labour MP when the story broke. Why should he resign. Did anyone elect him on the strength of his sex life?
The paper says he should stand down from his role on a panel looking at “crime, migration and sexual exploitation”. Again, why? If all is true, perhaps he would have a worthwhile contribution to make.
Posted: 5th, September 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Manchester United ‘hero’ Marcus Rashford shames Man City’s ‘obscene’ Raheem Sterling
Do the Press build them up to knock them down? The Sun writes about Manchester United’s Marcus Rashford who “proves he’s a top guy after buying his mum £800,000 home”.
The story continues:
“Manchester United’s latest hero Marcus Rashford has moved his mum and two brothers to a luxury £800,000 house in the leafy Wythenshawe suburb of the city. The English striker, 18, grew up in that area of Manchester and was quick to give his mum a more comfortable pad after bursting onto the scene last year and earning himself a bumper pay day of £25,000-a-week.”
Buying your mum a big house is lovely. But he’d better not get too rich or fail to score for England.
When Raheem Sterling showed everyone the house he’d bought for his mother, the Manchester City player was castigated by the Sun. The front-page headline screamed “Obscene Raheem”, noting “England failure steps off plane and insults fans by showing off blinging house”. A source opined: “Any normal person would hang their heads in shame after how they performed in France but these guys come home and show off about how rich they are.”
A “friend of Sterling” told MEN:
“Raheem and his family are really upset that the fact he’s bought a nice house for his mum is being used to hammer him by the media and make him the scapegoat for England’s failure… He bought her the house as a thank you for all her support and help. Now to have his mum’s private life and house being mocked and thrown into the public spotlight has left him furious and frustrated.”
Enjoy it while it lasts, Marcus, you hero.
Posted: 30th, August 2016 | In: Back pages, Manchester City, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Transfer Balls: Arsenal, Manchester United and a ‘row’ over Phil Jones
The narrative that Manchester Untied boss Jose Mourinho and Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger are not best pals backs the Standard’s story: “Manchester United to snub Phil Jones bid as Jose Mourinho refuses to do business with Arsene Wenger.”
The paper says Arsenal are “believed” to have enquired about Jones, 24, as they search for a central defender.
Jones’ career has stalled since he was being hailed as the new Duncan Edwards. In 2011 the Manchester Evening News wrote: “When no less a judge than Sir Bobby Charlton talks about the striking similarities between Phil Jones and the late, great Duncan Edwards, you know United have secured a special talent.”
Jones is now a United squad player. There is no proof that Arsenal want him. The Standard says the Gunners first pick is Skhodran Mustafi, available for the a mere £43m from Valencia. It’s an absurd amount of money for a very good but far from brilliant player.
As for Jones, well:
Mourinho is already under pressure to trim a bloated squad having made four summer signings and the arrival of Fonte would place further scrutiny on Jones’ position, having become a peripheral figure since Sir Alex Ferguson retired in 2013.
In April of that year, Ferguson made the remarkable claim that Jones could become the best player in United’s history but although he has started 58 Premier League games in the subsequent three seasons, he has not featured since January through injury and Mourinho has since signed centre-back Eric Bailly for £30m from Villarreal.
So what next for Jones?
Standard Sport understands Mourinho will not sanction the sale of Jones to his bitter rival, even if he is not central to his plans for the season ahead.
The story is total balls, then. Mourinho has not said he won’t sanction any sale because he loathes Arsene Wenger. Mourinho has said nothing. Arsenal have made no bid for Jones. The Standard has produced a story from dust. But other news sources are keen to pick up unchallenged:
Man Utd news: Phil Jones was not allowed to leave for Arsenal because of Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho’s feud – Metro
Football transfer rumours: Arsenal to sign Phil Jones from Manchester United? – Guardian
The Guardian adds:
José Mourinho needs to sign the extra defender that he wants for Manchester United. Except the urge to act vindictively is so strong, and the opportunity to act vindictively is so available, so Mourinho has decided to do what he does best, refusing to sell a player to Arsène Wenger, even though he’s not bothered about having him.
That would be the same Guardian that just two days ago reported: “Phil Jones is content to stay at Manchester United, and José Mourinho has no desire to see him leave, despite Stoke City being the latest club to express an interest.”
From being loyal to his player, Mourinho is now “vindictive”.
As we marvel at that, the Mail says: “Manchester United defender Phil Jones could depart for Stoke.”
But he won’t do because the Sun said back in June: “Jose Mourinho tells Phil Jones he has a future at Manchester United and wants defender to become club’s own version of John Terry.”
No hint of spite. Mourinho just wants a talented player to stay and work hard for the team.
As for Arsenal making a move for Jones, well the Mail also said: “Manchester United have told interested clubs that Phil Jones will stay at Old Trafford. Stoke, Watford and Hull City are among around a dozen clubs to have made enquiries for the 24-year-old”.
No mention of Arsenal. And we are left to wonder if Mourinho hates Mark Hughes and the manager’s of all those clubs he won’t let Jones join?
More transfer balls every day.
Posted: 25th, August 2016 | In: Arsenal, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Arsenal: ‘guilty’ Wenger admits his transfer policy (again)
In “ARSENE WONGA”, the Mirror says Arsenal’s manger Arsene Wenger (geddit?!) “finally admits he treats the club’s money as if it was my own”. No, he’s not admitting to embezzlement. Wenger just says he’s cautions with spending tons of cash on players.
Of course, Wenger should spend, spend, spend because the Mirror has already told us this will be his last season at Arsenal.
Wenger has been quoted in Game Changers: Inside English Football, written by former Charlton boss Alan Curbishley: ”
“I personally believe the only way to be a manager is to spend the club’s money as if it were your own, because if you don’t do that you’re susceptible to too many mistakes. You make big decisions and I believe you have to act like it’s your own money — like you’re the owner of the club and you can identify completely with the club, because if you don’t do that I think you cannot go far.”
Some revelation there. At least it will be to the Mirror readers who didn’t see the paper’s story from one year ago:
Arsenal manager admits being tight with transfer cash because he feels club BELONGS to him
He has often been accused by his club’s frustrated fans of treating Arsenal’s money as if it is his own…. Now, for the first time, Arsene Wenger has unashamedly pleaded guilty to the charge and given a rare insight into the hurt he feels when his work is questioned at the Emirates Stadium.
As ever, Wenger was not talking with the Mirror, but with a magazine in France.
The Frenchman said: “I’ll give myself merit for one thing: I’ve always treated Arsenal as if it belonged to me. I have sometimes been criticised for it — because I am not enough of a spender, not carefree enough… My great pride will be to be able to say the day that I leave, that I am leaving behind a good team, a healthy situation and a club capable of performing in the future. I could have said to myself: ‘I am here for four or five years, we win everything’, [then] I leave and leave the club on the verge of bankruptcy. For me, consistency at the highest level is the true sign of great clubs.”
When he ‘admits’ it to the Mirror, that might be the end of the story.
Posted: 24th, August 2016 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
The ‘Muslim bully man’ who wasn’t and the Muslim teens who were
Is the media biased when it comes to reporting on Muslims? The BBC looks at the case of Michael Coe, accused of assault occasioning actual bodily harm and battery. He denies all charges.
The BBC: “Man ‘assaulted teens over cuddle’ in east London street”
The story begins thus:
A “bully” grabbed a schoolboy by the throat and called a teenage girl a “whore” after spotting them cuddling in east London, a court has heard. Michael Coe, 35, stopped driving and allegedly confronted the 16-year-olds, demanding to know if they were Muslims. When they lied and told him they were not, he grabbed the boy around the neck before throwing him to the floor.
Deep into the story, Mr Coe is identified as Muslim. But Islam is not given as key factor in the alleged crime.
The Sun: “ATTACKED FOR CUDDLING HIS GIRLFRIEND Muslim convert, 35, ‘grabbed teen by throat’ in London street over ‘cuddle’ with girlfriend.”
The tabloid makes the Islamic element key to the story. Mr Coe is a “Muslim convert”. Why he is billed as a “Muslim convert” and not simply a “Muslim” is, perhaps, worthy of attention. The Sun begins:
A MUSLIM convert grabbed a schoolboy by the throat and called a teenage girl a “whore” after spotting them cuddling in east London, a court heard.
Later on, readers are told:
Coe allegedly asked if the couple were Muslims – which they are – but they denied it because they were “worried what this defendant would do if they said yes”. At which point the defendant reportedly said: “Why am I wasting my time with you if you are not Muslim?”
The BBC does not include that exchange in its report.
The Evening Standard:
A Muslim “bully” attacked a 16-year-old schoolboy and branded his girlfriend a whore after spotting them cuddling in the street, a court heard today.
The Mirror:
Prosecutor Jonathan Polnay described the attack as “completely unjustifiable”. He told the jury: “This case is about what started as unpleasant bullying with religious overtones in the street, followed by an attack by this 35-year-old man on a 16-year-old schoolboy.
“This was followed by a further assault on a schoolteacher, a nearby bystander, who came to his aid when he saw what was going on. The victim was, and is, a schoolboy and, in the early evening, he was there with his girlfriend standing on the pavement in the street, cuddling each other in the street. They had the misfortune that, of all the people to drive by, it was this defendant who was driving by in a car.”
The Newham Recorder:
It is foremost the story of an alleged “Muslim bully”.
The Express:
The “Muslim convert” is in the dock.
The Asian Age:
The accused is simply a ‘man’.
Nowhere in the Asian Age’s report is Mr Coe identified as a Muslim. you could read this version and come way thinking it was an alleged attack by a man driven by anti-Muslim sentiment.
A “bully” grabbed a schoolboy by the throat and threw him to the ground because he saw him hugging a girl in the street, a court was told. Michael Coe, 35, was driving through east London when he spotted the two 16-year-olds cuddling on the pavement. He allegedly confronted the pair, demanding to know if they were Muslims, before calling the girl a “whore”.
Coe was said to have grabbed the boy by the throat, causing him to black out, before he woke up bleeding on the floor. When passing schoolteacher Boutho Siwela tried to come to the couple’s aid, Coe then allegedly attacked him.
Coe is on trial at Southwark Crown Court accused of assault occasioning actual bodily harm and battery.
Prosecutor Jonathan Polnay described the attack as “completely unjustifiable”. He told the jury: “This case is about what started as unpleasant bullying with religious overtones in the street, followed by an attack by this 35-year-old man on a 16-year-old schoolboy. This was followed by a further assault on a schoolteacher, a nearby bystander, who came to his aid when he saw what was going on. The victim was, and is, a schoolboy and, in the early evening, he was there with his girlfriend standing on the pavement in the street, cuddling each other in the street. They had the misfortune that, of all the people to drive by, it was this defendant who was driving by in a car.”
Coe demanded to know if the teenagers were Muslim and when they lied and said that they were not, he replied: “Why am I wasting my time with you if you’re not Muslim?”
He then called the girl “a whore” before attacking her boyfriend, Mr Polnay said.
“He (Coe) grabbed him around the neck, that’s the last thing the victim remembered,” he added. “The next thing the boy woke up on the floor and he was bleeding. This was completely unpleasant and utterly unwarranted – this is a grown man on a child.”
Mr Siwela heard the girl screaming and took a photo of Coe’s number plate as he was getting back into his car.
Mr Polnay continued: “The defendant wasn’t having that and he comes over to Mr Siwela and said give me that phone. Mr Siwela didn’t want to hand over his phone so the defendant grabbed him and threw him to the floor. He then got in the car and drove away.”
Coe denies the two charges against him. He admits assaulting the 16-year-old boy in Wilson Road, Newham, on April 15 but claims he was acting in self-defence.
The victim, who cannot be named because he is under 18, said he was hugging his girlfriend goodbye when Coe shouted “let that little schoolgirl go”.
He later demanded: “Why are you acting like a punk in front of your whore girlfriend?” before attacking the boy.
“Within seconds of saying that I felt a hand on my neck and after that I don’t remember anything else,” the teenager said.
“I woke up – there was blood on my hands and I could feel blood on my face, my head was throbbing and I was very dizzy and also felt sick.”
The trial continues.
Such are the facts.
Eyes wide shut: Ola Jordan dresses for sex
Former Strictly Come Dancing hoofer Ola Jordan reveals her “sexist secrets” in the Sun. Ola is the new “celebrity face” of Ann Summers, the high-street store selling aids to masturbation.
SAUCY Ola Jordan has confessed she wears a blindfold in bed to let her dancer husband know whether sex is on – or off – the cards.
If your wife will only shag you when she’s blindfolded, you might worry. If she asks you to wear David Beckham’s new scent behind the armpits, play a recording of George Clooney breathing and promise not to talk, you might worry a little more. Or you might just think, ‘Well, that lazy eye always was a little distracting’ and crack on.
Ola, 33, said: “It’s so good. On one side it says ‘Yes Please’ and on the other side it says ‘Not Tonight’.
“When I don’t fancy it, I just put that side, ‘Not Tonight’.
The funny thing is that he also wears blindfolds to communicate his sex drive, and they’ve not seen each other in bed for years. Nah, they are, of course, at it “hammer and tongs”, as the Sun says.
As husband James reads his wife’s mask and wonders if she’s asleep before watching slinking off to Match of the Day, we see a picture of Ola dressed in her busy undies.
Yeah, she’s wearing less than she does on prime-time telly.
Magic.
Posted: 23rd, August 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, The Consumer, TV & Radio | Comment
Transfer balls: Shkodran Mustafi to Arsenal for £21m, £25m, £30m and £42m
Transfer balls: With the business over Paul Pogba to Manchester United sorted to great relief at the Daily Mirror – the paper said Pogba had signed for United three weeks before he did – we look at Arsenal’s pursuit of Valencia’s German defender Shkodran Mustafi.
Daily Mirror, July 28:”Arsenal target Shkodran Mustafi has a release clause of €50million, MirrorFootball can reveal, but Valencia would sell him for half that as they look to recoup losses from missing out on the Champions League.”
Valencia are willing to sell a player worth €50million for €25million. That’s just over £21m.
Daily Mirror, August 11: “Muatfi has a £42m buy-out in his contract and Valencia are ready to accept around £30m, but Arsenal have yet to agree a fee”
Sorry, Arsenal. The fee’s gone up.
Daily Mirror, August 13: “Injury-hit Arsenal set to recall Mathieu Debuchy for Liverpool visit to fill in for trio of absent centre-halves.”
Arsenal have no need to buy anyone new. Debuchy to the rescue. (He was not picked.)
Daily Mirror, August 15: “Arsenal move for Shkodran Mustafi stalls as Valencia demand £25million for German defender”
Is that around £30m?
Daily Mirror, August 16: “Arsenal transfer news and rumours: Jeremy Mathieu emerges as Arsene Wenger’s top target.”
Arsenal no longer want Mustafi. It’s Mathieu for the Gunners.
Daily Mirror, August 17: “Arsenal are hoping to sign Mustafi for around £20million… Valencia have been holding out for closer to £30million for Mustafi.”
Wasn’t it £25m they wanted?
Daily Mirror: August 20: “Liverpool are in full negotiations with Valencia over the German’s availability and could beat the Gunners to the deal.”
Go for it, Liverpool. Arsenal don’t want him.
Daily Mirror, August 22: “Arsene Wenger has been quoted a staggering £50million for Valencia defender Shkodran Mustafi.”
And on its goes…
Posted: 22nd, August 2016 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madeleine McCann: ‘Sick’ tweets from The Sun and Fruity King
It’s been a slow summer for news of Madeleine McCann, the missing child who was once a mainstay of the summer news cycle. The Sun, however, has news:
SICK MADDIE SLUR Online casino mocks Madeleine McCann’s family in sick tweet about Man Utd’s new £109million signing Paul Pogba
Sick?
Fruity King said the football club’s decision to buy back the player was ‘worse’ than leaving Maddie alone
Vile!
The vile tweet, sent to Fruity King’s 2,264 followers, was published in the same week it was announced British police have stopped their forensic investigation into Maddie‘s disappearance.
And it might be as sick as this from 2013:
Madeleine McCann is missing. There are no suspects.
Posted: 19th, August 2016 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Arsenal fan signs Riyad Marhez because he read it in the Metro
Modern football fans are in crisis. Get a load of the Arsenal fan who bought a replicate top and had the name “MAHREZ” stuck across the back. That’s Leicester City player Riyad Mahrez, who still plays for the Premier League champions.
The Metro says, “Asad Balal, a long-suffering Gooner, was clearly confident that Arsene Wenger would swoop in to bring the Le Havre winger to the Emirates and even claimed to have inside information on the Algerian’s move to north London.”
Balal knew nothing, which makes him a good candidate for a career in journalism – at the Metro:
Unabashed by it own dire prediction and reporting, the Metro mocks Balal:
However, Balal was forced into an embarassing [sic] backtrack today after Mahrez signed a new four-year deal with the Foxes and he quickly took to Twitter to jokingly put his Arsenal no.26 shirt up for sale before deleting the tweet and saying he’s sending the shirt to a charity shop.
Embarrassing stuff all round.
PS – buying players is not the same thing as buying players for form a team. The modern fans’ desperation for big-money signings is pathetic.
Posted: 18th, August 2016 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Stripping Helen Skelton in ‘topless video leak’
Helen Skelton, the BBC’s Olympic Games presenter who looks and sounds like a primary school teacher talking to her class, is in a topless video. So says the Daily Star, which leads with the “exclusive” old news that “Olympics Helen” once sunbathed topless. The story first appeared in April 2014, when she was “Blue Peter’s Helen in topless video”. Presumably it will be revisited and adapted whenever Skelton gets a new job.
Helen Skelton’s flesh has been big news in the tabloids, which has been watching her Olympics striptease.
It began with a look at Skelton’s legs. She has two. The world was shocked. “BBC presenter Helen Skelton sends pulses racing in her skimpy outfit,” cooed the Sun. Skelton was wearing a skirt. Behind her Olympic athletes took to the swimming pool dressed in tight swim suits and budgie smugglers. No pulses were raced at the Sun. If Skelton wants to go out in her Lycra bra and big knickers and run around the presenting table, the Sun won’t notice so long as she’s also wearing a Team GB sticker across her chest.
After the legs came the stomach. Sam Morgan was on Skelton Watch.
Then came “another body part”. We call them “arms”.
And so to the breasts.
Footage of the presenter exposing her boobs was uploaded to an adult website. It soon racked up thousands of hits as fans clamoured to see it. In the four-minute clip Helen, who once presented kids’ show Blue Peter, is seen on a beach wearing just a pair of shorts. Sources close to the blonde have claimed she was 17 at the time.
Who wants to ogle a teenager, then?
One pal said: “Helen was on holiday in France. She was enjoying her holiday and relaxing in the sun. She had no idea she was being filmed, so this leak will be quite a shock for her.”
To recap: Helen Skeleton has legs, arms, a stomach, breasts and hair. Read all about it!
PS: says one tweeter: “Put those shoulders away you whore.”
Posted: 14th, August 2016 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Manchester United balls: Paul Pogba rewrites history
So influential is Manchester United’s ‘Paul Pogba that he is rewriting history. Compare and contrast the Sun and Daily Mail’s stories on Pogba’s new routine:
“Paul Pogba settles back in at Manchester United by teaching team-mate Jesse Lingard his Dab dance celebration” – The Sun, August 9.
Only the Mail says Lingard knew the Dab before Pogba joined Cheslea:
“Jesse Lingard teaches Manchester United team-mates Timothy Fosu-Mensah and Cameron Borthwick-Jackson how to dab as the craze continues to spread” – Daily Mail, July 28.
Next week: How Pogba inspired United to victory in last season’s the FA Cup.
Posted: 13th, August 2016 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Transfer Balls: Middlesbrough sign a free Danish newspaper in the Sun
Transfer Balls: a look at the Sun’s report on Middlesbrough’s hunt for a new newspaper to play in defence. Yes, you read that right. The Sun says:
KAR NEEDS COVER Middlesbrough boss Aitor Karanka hunts for new centre-back after Daniel Ayala ruled out
One player linked to Middlesbrough is ‘Ekstra Bladet’. Who he?
‘Former Ajax captain Ekstra Bladet, who is now a free agent, is another target as Karanka looks for cover at left-back.’
Former Ajax captain Nicolai Boilesen is a free agent. He’s Danish.
Ekstra Bladet is a Danish newspaper, whereon you can read all kinds of footy news abut Danish footballers.
The Sun is a newspaper that accidentally cites its sources.
Posted: 9th, August 2016 | In: Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Russell Square attack: Chelsea fan Zakaria Bulhan and being mentally ill for ISIS
Russell Square attack: Bernard Hepplewhite, 67, was one of the six people attacked in London by a knifeman. The Mail says he “suffered a serious injury when a deranged attacker thrust a kitchen knife into his stomach.”
Deranged? The Mail should be more careful than to give the attacker a pass. Yovel Lewkowki, one of the victims, says the alleged killer was “cool and calm”. That is the only appraisal we’ve seen on the attack from any of the victims. Does the Mail know better?
The accused, one Zakaria Bulhan, understood the charges when they were put to him in court.
So why does the Mail call him deranged?
In other news, the Mail says:
Was ‘devout Muslim’ Russell Square knifeman radicalised? Police to trawl ‘impressionable’ attacker’s PC for links to ISIS as neighbour claims mental illness is a ‘scapegoat’
Deranged or radicalised or mentally ill? You could use any of those three cover-alls in isolation of combination to explain pretty much any crime? Was Rosemary West radicalised by her husband and father? Was John Christie mentally ill? Was Hitler deranged?
The Mail adds:
Counter-terror police will today forensically study computers belonging to the Russell Square knifeman as a neighbour claimed the ‘impressionable’ teenager could have been inspired by ISIS.
Scotland Yard believe Zakaria Bulhan, 19, a Norwegian national of Somali origin who moved to the UK in 2002, was not ‘motivated by terrorism’ but its officers are trawling his possessions for extremist material.
But neighbour Parmjit Singh, a BBC radio DJ known as ‘DJ Precious’ on the Asian network, said he had known ‘impressionable’ Bulhan for seven years, adding: ‘His mental health problems are a scapegoat.’
We’ll know more when Bulhan, a “Chelsea fan”, is back in court. Yeah, he’s a fan of The Blues. Why is that a fact the Mail sees fit to share? Is being a Chelsea fan the benchmark of normality? Why do we know that Osama bin Laden supported Arsenal but not what football teams non-Muslim enemies of the State gun for? Does Anders Behring Breivik support Manchester United? Did Michael Ryan cheer on Norwich?
DJ Precious adds:
‘I think peer pressure, hanging around with gangs. He wasn’t working, he was hanging around with Somalian boys and I think they had possible links to serious ISIS people – not directly, but they see all this stuff and are inspired by it. Why would he attack an American woman tourist in a random attack? I think boys have put pressure on him to go there and do something. He was very impressionable growing up’.
Such are the facts.
Transfer Balls: Paul Pogba signed for Manchester United 3 weeks ago
And so a mere 19 days since the Daily Mirror told us Pogba had “signed” for Manchester United, the paper reports that Pogba has signed for Manchester United.
Lest anyone think the Mirror was ahead of the pack in anything other than guesswork, in the intervening days its reader have read a lot of stories about the Pogba.
August 9: “Manchester United announce Paul Pogba signing in the middle of the night and Twitter is completely baffled”
August 8: “Paul Pogba flying to the UK for Manchester United medical as £110million deal edges closer”
August 7: “Paul Pogba set for £100m Manchester United return as Juventus give midfielder permission to undergo medical”
August 6: “Manchester United target Paul Pogba ordered to return to Juventus training as transfer saga continues”
August 6: “Manchester United transfer news and rumours: Juventus delay £100m Paul Pogba deal”
August 3 : “Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho hints at Paul Pogba transfer – ‘we will sign one more player'”
August 3: “Manchester United fans sent into meltdown as Paul Pogba says he’s STAYING at Juventus”
August 2: “Paul Pogba keeps up fitness in New York as speculation over Manchester United switch continues”
August 2: “Paul Pogba jets into New York and sparks fears that Real Madrid could gazump Man United’s £100m bid”
August 1: “Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho plays the waiting game as Paul Pogba parties in Las Vegas”
July 31: “Paul Pogba agent Mino Raiola insists a deal has NOT yet been struck between Manchester United and Juventus”
July 30: “Paul Pogba signs Manchester United shirt for fan in LA as £100m world record transfer looms”
July 28: “Paul Pogba to Manchester United betting suspended by bookmaker after flurry of bets come in”
July 27: “Manchester United agree to pay £112m for Paul Pogba? Transfer news and gossip from Thursday’s papers”
July 27: “Manchester United face Paul Pogba battle as Zinedine Zidane claims Real Madrid could yet win race for star”
July 20:
Total balls in the Mirror, then.
Of course, Sun readers know Paul Pogba plays for Chelsea.
Such are the fats in the trusty mainstream media.
Posted: 9th, August 2016 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Renee Zellweger: who altered her face?
Plastic surgery / cosmetic surgery matters only to the person who opted for it. So, then, to the face worn by Renee Zellweger, which triggers the Daily Mirror story: “Renee Zellweger blasts back after plastic surgery claims: ‘I did not make a decision to alter my face’.”
Which begs the question: who did? Or maybe the wind changed and, as your mum warned you, she stayed like that?
The Mirror adds:
She penned a thoughtful essay where she slammed “humiliating” attacks on her appearance. But Renee Zellweger’s critics have continued to speculate after she denied having plastic surgery, telling the Bridget Jones Diary actress that if she has had work done, she should “own it”.
Own it. Own your own face? The Mirror’s quote comes from a tweet, which opined in a vacuous command: “Be proud and own it girl.”
In her thoughtful essay for Huffington Post, Renee responded to accusations she had an eye lift back in October 2014 , “not that it’s anyone’s business”.
The essay might well have been thoughtful, but it was for nought: two years on and the Mirror is all over it.
Vogue also covers the story:
“In October 2014, a tabloid newspaper article reported that I’d likely had surgery to alter my eyes,” the Bridget Jones actress wrote in a letter for The Huffington Post. “It didn’t matter; just one more story in the massive smut pile generated every day by the tabloid press and fuelled by exploitative headlines and folks who practice cowardly cruelty from their anonymous internet pulpits.”
And:
“Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I did not make a decision to alter my face and have surgery on my eyes. This fact is of no true import to anyone at all, but that the possibility alone was discussed among respected journalists and became a public conversation is a disconcerting illustration of news/entertainment confusion and society’s fixation on physicality.”
Discuss.
Posted: 8th, August 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Transfer balls: 16 days after Paul Pogba signed for Manchester United, Mourinho declares war on Liverpool and Arsenal
Paul Pogba has not joined Manchester United. It’s been 16 days since the Daily Mirror told us Pogba had “signed” for Manchester United. Today the Telegraph says Juventus are “stalling” on agreeing for their player to leave the club. “They’re killing the mood, drastically,” says the paper.
It’s not killing the mood at the dire Telegraph, which also reports – and this comes on the same day the paper is telling its readers Pogba does not play for United: “Paul Pogba is a Manchester United player.”
Helpfully Fox News has an official version of events: “Jose Mourinho teases nearly-done deal for Paul Pogba at Manchester United.”
What did he say, teasingly?
“Pogba is a Juventus player until officially he isn’t. It stays like this. I think my club is trying to do everything to close our market before August 14. So hopefully by next week we will have our squad closed.”
In other words: no news.
But the Press is desperate for something. So instead of the Olympics and the start of the non-Premier League football season, the lead story is about Jose Mourinho and Paul Pogba.
The Sun – the paper that told Paul Pogba plays for Chelsea – hears the “fury”.
The Star hears “rage”.
“Jose Hits Back,” says the Express.
The Mirror – “the intelligent tabloid” (self-declared) that told us Paul Pogba joined Manchester United 16 days ago – senses the “mind games”.
What did Mourinho say?
“I don’t like to speak about other players. Other managers like to do that. What matters to me is only what happens in my house, not the house of my neighbour.”
He also said:
“I heard two of my colleagues from other clubs talking about my team. [Klopp] was one of them, but I do not want to comment. He made comments about us but I will not make comments about him, or his team. I do not like [to talk about other teams]. It is not ethical…
“There are things that, when I do them, are not ethical and when others do them, everything is normal, nobody says [they should not have done them]. I do not speak about other [teams]. I only speak about us.”
And that’s it. The Times calls those words a “withering rebuke to Jürgen Klopp and Arsène Wenger”. Oh, come on. It’s just Jose Mourinho being snippy. Plus ca change.
The Premier League season cannot begin soon enough.
Posted: 6th, August 2016 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Page 3 stunna Sam Fox in ‘big boobs hell’ balls
In Samantha Fox’s Big Boob Hell”, the Daily Star looks at the former Page 3 stalwart now starring on Celebrity Big Brother, and says: “My boobs were too big for Page 3.”
How about Page 3 and Page 4?
Former Sun stalwart Sam Fox in class
Sam adds:
“I asked my mum if I looked fat in a dress because my boobs looked too big in it. She said, ‘Your boobs are great’. I only realised they were fine when other women began paying for surgery to have boobs like mine.”
Did women really browse the aisle of Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s surgery and say ‘I’ll have the Sams’? And did they realise that having ‘Sams’ is akin to being in hell – a hell that looks like being caught in your undies riding a small rocking horse:
Posted: 5th, August 2016 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Transfer balls: teasing Paul Pogba says his Manchester United medical was ‘nonsense’
Paul Pogba Watch: It’s been 12 days since the Daily Mirror told us Manchester United had “signed” Paul Pogba. Today Sky Sports has more news: “Paul Pogba prepares to fly to England to complete Man Utd transfer.”
He’s not signed for Manchester United.
After news that Pogba has been “partying” in Las Vegas, we learn that “Pogba offered no significant update on his pending move to Old Trafford”.
But he’s preparing to fly to England to complete his move to Man United, right? Maybe. Because having made that claim, deep into the story Sky admits it doesn’t know what Pogba plans to do:
Pogba was due to return to Miami after his weekend in Las Vegas, however it is unknown whether he then travels to Turin or flies straight to Manchester from the United States.
The Express has more: “Paul Pogba to fly to England to complete Man Utd move: Responds to question about transfer.”
How did he respond? Well, the paper says, he was “coy”. No. He was taking the mick. He wrote on Instagram: “news: we catch Pogba with his contract in Universal Studios LA amusement park #Imonholidays #nonsense.”
The Mirror adds that he did say something:
Sky Sports News presenter doorstepped Pogba in Vegas on Monday to ask him about the prospect of him going back to Old Trafford.
“We’ll see,” Pogba teasingly replied.
The Indy hears those words and says:
Paul Pogba has hinted that his long-awaited move to Manchester United is nearing completion while speaking to a journalist in the United States.
Spain’s AS newspaper says Pogba is “oblivious to everything” as he went partying in Hollywood with his entourage.
Such are the facts.
Posted: 1st, August 2016 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Ansbach bomb mystery solved: why the victim did it
When a man armed with a bomb blew himself up outside a music festival in Germany, the media went into action. Why had he done it?
Reuters went into action: “Syrian man denied asylum killed in German blast.”
The poor man. He was killed in a country that denied him asylum. This man suffered terribly at our hands. Reuters continues:
A 27-year-old Syrian man who had been denied asylum in Germany a year ago died on Sunday when a bomb he was carrying exploded outside a music festival in Ansbach, Germany…
A bomb he was carrying exploded? Was he taking it a museum, having found it?
Interior Minister Joachim Herrmann said the man had tried to commit suicide twice before.
And he failed a third time. The “bomb exploded”. He was “killed”. He is the victim.
The Guardian leads with: “A 27-year-old man who had been denied asylum dies after explosion in southern German town”
An explosion.
The BBC: “Ansbach explosion: Syrian asylum seeker blows himself up in Germany.”
A failed Syrian asylum seeker has blown himself up and injured 15 other people with a backpack bomb near a festival in the south German town of Ansbach. The 27-year-old man, who faced deportation to Bulgaria, detonated the device after being refused entry to the music festival.
He was clearly an avid music fan. Denied entry he had nothing else to live for – well, aside from a new life in Bulgaria.
CNBC: “Bomb-carrying Syrian dies outside German music festival; 12 wounded.”
Al Jazeera: “A 27-year-old Syrian man died when a bomb he was carrying in a rucksack went off outside a music festival in Germany and wounded 12 people, an official said. A spokesman for the prosecutor’s office in Ansbach said the attacker’s motive wasn’t clear.”
The bomb went off. He did not detonate the bomb. It just went off. Why he died remains a mystery.
The Mail: “Syrian suicide bomber – nicknamed ‘Rambo’ – who blew himself up outside German music festival had pledged allegiance to ISIS, had Islamist videos at his home and had enough chemicals to make ANOTHER bomb.”
Ah. That’s why the asylum seeker was killed when the bomb he was carrying went off. He was an Islamist trying to murder people. Thanks to the Mail, the mystery has been cleared up.
Posted: 31st, July 2016 | In: Broadsheets, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Transfer balls: Paul Pogba signs Manchester United shirt and is better than Messi
Paul Pogba Watch: 10 days since the Daily Mirror told us Manchester United had “clinched” Paul Pogba, The Telegraph says: “Paul Pogba drops MAJOR hint he’s joining Man Utd.”
A hint? Sky Sports explains:
Paul Pogba has been photographed signing a Manchester United number six shirt with his name on the back. The snap was taken by United fan Jonathan Perkins in Los Angeles, where Pogba has been finishing up his post-Euro 2016 holiday.
United fan asks footballer to sign his shirt. Footballer graciously does so. And that’s news?
Jack Pitt-Brooke has more news in the Indy, where Pogba as Jose Mourinho are revered:
Both Jose Mourinho and Paul Pogba could each claim to be the most talented, intelligent, individualistic and talked-about man in his field and of his generation.
Jose is a top manager. But do position Pogba above Ronaldo, Bale, Neymar, and Messi is nonsense.
The Sun says “POG DEAL CLOSE – Paul Pogba to Man United: Agent Mino Raiola reveals deal for Juventus midfielder should be completed by next week.”
Super-agent Raiola, who also represents United striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic, reportedly said: “Next week [the deal] can be closed.”
Can be. Not will be. Can be.
The final word in this ball comes from the Daily Mirror, which having confirmed Pogba’s signing ten days ago, today reports:
Paul Pogba signs Manchester United shirt for fan in LA as £100m world record transfer looms..
Paul Pogba has given possibly the clearest sign yet he will join Manchester United – by signing a Red Devils shirt with his name on the back.
What, clearer than when he agreed to join them?
Pogba signs shirt. Pogba does not sign contract.
Such are the facts.
Posted: 30th, July 2016 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
