Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
You’re Not The One
‘HOW do you like your stalkers? Clean? Yes, us too. But not Daniel Bedingfield, who got back home on Monday night to find an obsessed fan in his bath.
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| Jennifer and her blown-up breasts |
Hes had fans get obsessive in the past, which was daunting, says a friend of the singer, but no-one has ever taken it this far before.
Its sick, its illegal and shes lucky he didnt batter her.
We guess Daniels more of a shower man, then.
But thats nothing compared with what former Brookside babe Jennifer Ellison (seen bursting out of her bikini on the front page of the Star) is going through.
Army bomb disposal experts were called in after two firebombs were thrown at her home in the Croxteth area of Liverpool, just a month after the house was shot up by gunmen.
The Star says the intended target is believed to be Jennifers 24-year-old jailbird lover Tony Richardson, who is at the centre of a bitter gangland feud.
As for Jennifer, we are happy to say that she is all right, although judging by the Stars picture she does seem to be carrying two suspect packages around with her.’
Hell’s Angels
‘GOD, as we well know, moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform.
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| Beyonce shows off the benefits of The Good Sex Diet |
Thus, he is quite happy for Beyonce Knowles to shake her booty on stage in a pair of orange hot pants, but hes not so thrilled by Madonna sticking her tongue down Britneys throat.
Who says? Why, Beyonce herself of course, in conversation with the Suns showbiz editor Victoria Newton.
I honestly believe He wants people to celebrate their bodies as long as you dont compromise your Christianity in the process, she says.
But where does that leave Madonna and Britney, Madonna and Christina, Pink and Kristanna, Lucy and Nicola and all the other Sapphic show-offs?
In a place of wailing and gnashing of teeth, no doubt and were not talking about the Priory.
And there they are soon to be joined by Michelle Ryan and Brooke Kinsella, otherwise known as EastEnders Zoe Slater and Kelly Taylor.
The Sun says the two will end up in each others arms after a drunken night out as BBC producers try to spice up the soaps Christmas ratings.
And where also does this leave the celebrities who have been following Martine McCutcheons lead and practising The Good Sex Diet?
The secret to a slimline figure is not cutting out carbs or saying no to chocolate, says the Mirror, its indulging in plenty of sex.
And to prove its point, the paper today publishes before-and-after pictures of six celebs who it suspects have been shagging themselves thin.
Of course, it helps in the case of Demi Moore, for instance, that she has bought herself a new $400,000 body, but the one thing the randy half-dozen all have in common is that they lost weight after starting a new relationship.
So come on up and collect your The Good Sex Diet awards, Myleene Klass, Melanie C, Drew Barrymore, Demi Moore, Kate Winslet and, er, Beyonce Knowles.’
The BDS Diet
‘IF you really want to lose weight, stop cheating! No, not on your partner (which is, as we have seen, a good way to fight the flab), but on yourself.
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| ‘Still think I’ll be Prime Minister one day?’ |
The Star this morning has the distinctly underwhelming news that the real reason why so many diets don’t work is that people don’t follow them properly.
Well, we never! You could knock us down with a feather. The next thing we’ll hear is that the best way to gain pounds is to sit on your bum and do nothing.
We call it the BDS diet, named after Betsy Duncan Smith, wife of the Tory leader, who is alleged to have gained 15,000 pounds for doing precisely that.
But don’t say so in the presence of her husband, who yesterday blew his top at suggestions of malpractice in his private office and promised to ‘fix’ his accusers.
‘Have the guts to stand right in front of me,’ he challenges those who are plotting against him.
‘Come and face me down. Don’t you dare try and take my wife on. You come to me and I’m going to fix you.’
Only a couple of weeks ago, IDS was known (or rather not known) as the Quiet Man of British politics, but these days he seems to have lost his marbles.
He has already spoken of his desire to shoot the Prime Minister and now he wants to go mano-a-mano with members of his own party.
Little wonder that the Sun’s Trevor Kavanagh is alarmed by the former guards officer’s performance.
‘If IDS explodes so easily over such a minor issue, how would he handle the ordeals that are part of the daily life of a Prime Minister?’ he asks.
It is a rhetorical question – thankfully, IDS has got more chance of growing a mullet than he has of taking up residence in 10 Downing Street.’
Camera Shy
‘WE are glad to see that Penny Lancasters career is going so well.
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| Penny takes a light reading |
Rod Stewarts blonde girlfriend describes herself as a photographer and it is true to say that the 31-year-old is never far away from a camera.
However, someone should explain to Penny that the photographer is the one who looks through the little hole on the other side of said contraption, not the one parading around in her underwear on this side.
This morning, the Express publishes a sneak preview of the 6ft 1in photographer premiering the new Ultimo underwear collection exclusively for OK! magazine.
And we are happy to be able to report that Penny has at least learned one important lesson in photography she has her settings turned permanently to maximum exposure.’
Kour Blimey!
‘BY rights, this mornings story that Anna Kournikova has hung up her tennis racket and tight adidas shorts and retired from the sport belongs on the back pages.
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| Doctors never got to the bottom of Anna’s injury problems |
After all, she has been for many years a stalwart of the game, winning the odd point here and there in a career that has brought her untold riches and, er, zero singles titles.
But such is the sense of shock both inside tennis and outside that her decision makes not only the news pages but even the front page of both the Sun and the Star.
Game, Sex n Match, says the Star headline a reference, we understand, to the game that made Anna famous. Or rather that Anna made famous.
And, as if to illustrate the point, the paper delves into its picture library and manages to fish out a picture of the Russian beauty seemingly involved in said sport.
The photo itself is a little grainy, but on close inspection an object with a remarkable similarity to a tennis ball is visible (although there is admittedly no tennis racket in shot).
Happily though it is surrounded by half a dozen pictures of the 22-year-old in more familiar surroundings dressed up to the nines at various parties and award ceremonies.
And tennis fans will be happy to hear that they havent seen the last of Anna she is planning a new career in television.
Acting and presenting are definitely things I enjoy doing, she told the paper. I get offered lots of these jobs but Ive never had time to pursue them because of my tennis.
Indeed, such are the demands of modern day tennis that it is a wonder that Anna has managed to fit anything else in her life over the past few years.
In some seasons, she has racked up an incredible THREE or FOUR hours on court, much of it spent running around and watching balls fly past her.
The Sun has captured some of those moments for its front-page retrospective and retrospective it is in the most literal sense of the word as the paper focuses exclusively on Annas derriere.
The End Of A Rearer, proclaims its headline, as the paper serves up a volley of unbeatable shots of the tennis totty.
Why is it that even after all these bum shots – we feel that we havent seen the back of her?’
Sexercise Regime
‘HOW does Martine McCutcheon keep so slim?’ is one of those questions. Like ‘What is the secret of Anthea Turner’s enduring popularity?’ and ‘What made Hale & Pace so funny?’
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| Martine couldn’t work out how to get her butterfly bikini top on |
But the Mirror is on hand to answer its own question and the answer appears to be the Shane Richie diet – lots of sex. Or, as Ms McCutcheon has it, ‘loadsa shagging’.
Her personal trainer in this respect is 23-year-old property developer James Tanner, whom Martine has been dating since Christmas.
‘He’s gorgeous and not at all posh,’ she tells Cosmopolitan magazine (which tells the Mirror). ‘He comes from south London.’
Why we should have expected that James would be posh or indeed what the fact that he’s from south London has got to do with the price of fish we don’t know.
But we do know that sex is not the only secret of Martine’s svelte figure and clear skin.
She also swims a lot and does yoga. And eats only once a week. And does a body pump class twice a day. And has colonic irrigation every weekend. And has liposuction every other Tuesday…’
Split Genes
‘IF Catherine Zeta Jones had tried the Martine McCutcheon diet after giving birth, the chances are that her husband would have collapsed with the exertion.
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| Richard Burton only managed four divorces |
There are certain disadvantages to being married to a man 25 years your senior and for Catherine having to follow the Atkins diet has been one of them.
But there are also certain advantages, not least the fact that Michael Douglas is one of the richest men in Hollywood.
No wonder then that the Welsh starlet is standing by her man, vowing to the Mail that she will never get divorced.
I find divorces repulsive, she says an attitude which does her and her divorced husband the utmost credit.
I will never get divorced, never.
Of course, in Catherines case, it helps that there is more of an end in sight to her vow til death us do part than with women who have married men their own age.
But just in case, the 34-year-old actress has signed a pre-nuptial agreement awarding her £1m per year she is married and £3m for every woman with whom Michael Douglas is unfaithful to his wife.
Its in my genes, the ever more absurd Zeta Jones tells the Mail. Look at other stars who have come from my area: Tom Jones has been married to Linda for 47 years despite having lots of affairs and Richard Burton never really got over Elizabeth Taylor.
And Anthony Hopkins lived separately from his wife for six years before after 29 years of marriage he was able to bring himself to get a divorce.
So, one serial adulterer, one man who divorced four times and another who has only divorced twice so far. Time to look for some new genes, Catherine.’
Gym’ll Fix It
‘WE are a nation of fatties a country of Eamonn Holmeses and Vanessa Feltzes.
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| Couch potato |
That was the Mails message last week when it warned that a whole generation were at risk, with one in 10 six-year-olds and one in five 15-year-olds clinically obese.
But what to do about it? Common sense might suggest that we persuade children to eat less and/or exercise more, but common sense must get past the Express first.
And the Express (which these days has become a kind of mini-Mail except even nastier and more poisonous) is having none of it.
It reports fury at nanny state health chiefs who want to FORCE patients to get fit.
And it complains that Government suggestions that overweight patients should be allowed to join gyms with taxpayers money is a step too far.
This is money that would be better spent on ensuring prompt, high-quality treatment for the tens of thousands languishing on NHS waiting lists, it says.
This may or may not be true (although even the Express has to admit that fat, unhealthy people already cost the country billions of pounds) but is the paper now really so twisted in its priorities that it is anti-exercise?
Or does it just want to ape the Mail in trying to frighten the living daylights out of middle England?
Take last weeks front-page stories, for example. On Monday, it led with NHS In Breast Cancer Scandal; on Tuesday it was £18,000 For Each Asylum Seeker; on Wednesday Rip-Off Banks, followed by Thursdays 60 Tax Rises and finally Millions Forced To Retire In Poverty on Friday.
Truly, there is no silver lining in which the Express cannot find a cloud.’
Shane On You
‘IF the Government want to persuade youngsters to do more exercise, perhaps they should recommend Shane Richie’s fitness regimen.
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| Shane is always ready for a work-out |
EastEnders’ Alfie Moon has just released his autobiography (unimaginatively entitled Rags To Richie), in which he relates how he lost his virginity at 12, enjoyed a seven-in-a-bed romp at the age of 16 and was once a gigolo at £20 a go.
No wonder it is, according to the Mirror (which has bought the serialisation rights), ‘the book they all wanted’.
And no wonder that the Sun runs a spoiler this morning with a three-page special about ‘the real Shane’, told by his ex-wife Coleen Nolan.
However, back to Shane and his three-step ‘get fit’ plan from his days as a Bluecoat at Pontins.
1. The seven-in-a-bed session happened in Great Yarmouth with a group of – surprise, surprise – six Essex girls, who called themselves The Sexy Six.
‘The next morning I woke up and realised I’d been used and spat out the other end,’ says Shane. ‘But guess what? I loved every minute of it.’
2. Shane worked as a gigolo to two women in their fifties, who would buy him clothes and give him money in return for his, er, time.
‘It never felt strange or sleazy,’ our hero says, ‘These were lonely ladies who simply wanted company.’
3. Shane had a competition with his mate Goz over who could sleep with the most women, but he was off the scale after spending the night with a mother and her daughter.
‘Before I had the chance to say anything, it was a free-for-all,’ he recalls. ‘A mum and a daughter? Forget the FA Cup, I’d just won the World Cup.’
It all sounds a lot more fun than compulsory sessions down at the gym.’
In The Pink
‘ARE we bored with this girl kissing girl fad yet? Its not big, its not clever and its not even shocking.
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| Pink rocker |
But it is still enough to guarantee a bit of free publicity in the Star, which this morning publishes pictures of rock chick Pink giving Terminator 3 girl Kristanna Loken a passionate snog.
Revellers at swish Jimmyz nightclub looked on in amazement as petite Pink locked jaws with cracker Kristanna in the middle of a packed dancefloor, it says.
But Kristanna did take her mouth off Pinks long enough to tell the Sun why she thinks Arnold Schwarzenegger will make a good governor of California.
Arnold knows what he wants and will keep working till he gets it, she said.
As many women around the world can attest to.’
Zitney Spears
‘WE barely have the energy to delve into the latest developments of what the Sun calls Football In The Gutter and the Mirror calls Football In Crisis.
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| Martin Keown was even named Time Man Of The Year |
Suffice it to say that David Beckham emerges smelling of roses after trying to dissuade the England players from boycotting the Turkey game and the rest smell of something a lot less fragrant.
The Sun has conducted a poll of its readers to gauge reactions to the recent events that have so tarnished the game.
And the results make shocking reading not for what they say about football but for what they say about Sun readers.
For instance, who are the six per cent of Sun readers who thought the majority of Premiership footballers were intelligent?
And how is it that 59% of people said footballers have a big duty to act responsibly off the pitch, while 56% said what footballers do in their private life is their own business?
We also like the fact that poor old Martin Keown comes second only to Lee Bowyer in a list of the worst behaved footballers, despite being almost the model professional off the pitch.
And the worst thing is that all of this sadly overshadows the real news in the Mirror that Britney Spears has spots.’
The Girl’s A Lout
‘WHATEVER the outcome of Cheryl Tweedys trial for racially aggravated assault on a black toilet attendant, she will forever more be known as the short fat one from Girls Aloud.
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| Cheryl limbers up for a night out |
That is how Sophie Amogbokpa described her to Kingston Crown Court yesterday as she told how Tweedy punched her in the eye in a row over lollipops.
Mrs Amogbokpa told the court that Tweedy and bandmate Nicola Roberts came into the toilets at a Guildford nightclub and both went into the same cubicle.
The slim one Nicola came out of the cubicle first, The Sun hears her say.
She used some of the things put out, like cosmetics and took some blusher and a bit of make-up. When the fatter, shorter one, Cheryl Tweedy, came out, Nicola asked her to pay.
But she said she wouldnt give me any money and she started picking things up herself. She took some lollies and some chewing gum and a bottle of perfume.
Mrs Amogbokpa said Tweedy got aggressive when she tried to grab the lollies back.
She was screaming, You fucking black bitch, you fucking black bitch over and over again. Nicola was trying to restrain her and looked frightened at how abusive she was.
Mrs Amogbokpa said in the commotion Tweedy punched her in the left eye.
My eye was bruised and swollen for three to four weeks, she said. I had blurred vision. She made herself feel so high and made me feel so low as if I was rubbish.
The Mail says Mrs Amogbokpa, a 39-year-old law student, originally told the police that Tweedy had called her a fucking bitch.
Or, to be more accurate, a ******* bitch which, like seven blank tiles in a game of Scrabble, could say pretty well anything.
A university student, Lauren Etheridge, who was in The Drink nightclub at the time said she saw Tweedy, who was completely paralytic, hit the attendant but wasnt aware of any racial aspect.
The short fat one from Girls Aloud, who wept repeatedly in court, denies racially aggravated assault causing ABH and assault causing ABH. The trial continues.’
Her Royal Huffiness
‘WHILE the short fat one from Girls Aloud was in court yesterday, the horsey looking one from the Royal Family was facing an employment tribunal.
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| ‘What! You chop them up and put them in boiling water?’ |
And this mornings reports of proceedings dont make great reading for Princess Anne (for it is she), who it is said once got in a huff because she had to heat up her own dinner.
That is the claim of Caroline Brown, who worked as a housekeeper at the Princesss Gatcombe Park mansion from 1990 until she was made redundant earlier this year.
The Express says Miss Brown took a day off in January this year and left the Princess a prepared meal but when she returned to work, she was given the silent treatment.
She was plainly not speaking to me, she told the tribunal in Bristol. This is the royal way of showing disapproval.
At this point, we would like to make it clear that no member of the Royal Family has ever exchanged words with any of us at Anorak.
What have we ever done to offend you, guys? Drop us a line and lets put this stupid business behind us.
Anyway, back to the tribunal and 47-year-old Miss Brown is detailing how she had worked her fingers to the bone cleaning up after the Princess (or mucking out, as we believe it is actually called).
It was not unusual to go three weeks without a day off, she said. On one memorable occasion, I worked 13 consecutive weekends.
However, Commander Tim Laurence said Miss Brown was made redundant because there wasnt enough work to justify a full-time housekeeper.
What thats got to do with it we dont know after all, Princess Annes oldest brother may only brush his teeth twice a day but that doesnt stop him having a full-time toothpaste squeezer.
Nevertheless, the tribunal ruled that the Princess had acted properly and said neigh to Miss Browns claim of unfair dismissal.’
Overpaid Turkeys
‘FROM silhouettes we have moved on to pixilated faces as the identity of the Leeds United player accused of raping a 20-year-old girl is revealed to be none other than Jody Morris.
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| Turkey shoot |
The Sun publishes a headshot of the 24-year-old with his face obscured for legal reasons after he spent a second day being quizzed by police.
Last night, both he and friend Kristofer Dickie were released on police bail after 33 hours in custody pending further inquiries.
But Morris arrest barely makes the front page of the rest of this mornings papers, all of whom are incensed by the England players threatened boycott of Saturdays game against Turkey.
So Much For Pride In Your Country, is the headline in the Mail, which accused Englands millionaire footballers of displaying the true depths of their arrogance.
The players only agreed to fly to Istanbul last night after making a show of solidarity with team-mate Rio Ferdinand, who was axed from the squad for failing to attend a drugs test.
But it is the self-justifying statement that they then released, in which they claimed that they had been let down by the FA, that really gets up the papers noses.
Who The Hell Do You Think You Are? asks the Mirrors headline.
With the avalanche of scandals engulfing our national game, it beggars belief that David Beckham and his team-mates would choose this week of all weeks to behave like a bunch of petulant prima donnas, it says.
And to prove its point that they are obscenely overpaid turkeys, it publishes a list of what the 24 members of the England squad get paid a week.
The average weekly salary is £37,625, with Arsenals Sol Campbell earning the most at a grotesque £100,000 a week and Leicesters Ian Walker the least at a miserly £15,000 a week.
As football lurches from one scandal to another, we can report that there was only one Premiership player in court yesterday.
Newcastles Titus Bramble turned up to court three hours late after missing his first date altogether, but still managed to get his conviction for driving at 102mph without a full licence quashed.
Brambles lawyer Ian Duckworth told Ipswich magistrates that his client did not have a clue that he was meant to be in court.
In light of recent events, we suggest that footballers should work on the assumption that they are due to appear in court every day unless told otherwise.
That would save us, them and the courts a lot of time and trouble.’
Night Of The Long Knives
‘IT promises to be the night of the long knives and, with any luck, ITV will film it and broadcast it as Night Of The Long Knives.
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| Mel felt naked without Des beside her |
The Express reports that some of the best-known faces on the third channel could be facing the axe following the £4.2bn merger between Granada and Carlton.
‘Among those who could face the chop under the new regime,’ it says, ‘are Davina McCall, who presented the far from successful Reborn In The USA, Melanie Sykes, host of ratings flop Celebrities Under Pressure and quiz show The Vault, and Brian Conley, presenter of the doomed Judgement Day.
‘Chris Tarrant, host of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, is also under pressure as the show’s popularity wanes.’
Of course, it is easy to blame the hosts for the failure of shows when the real problem is that the concept is flawed or just tired.
But if you’re going to sack some of the top names on British TV, then why not make an occasion of it?
We could have the likes of Tarrant, Conley, McCall and Sykes competing among themselves in a succession of Pop Idol-like auditions to hang on to their jobs.
A sure-fire ratings hit – and we get to watch these obscenely overpaid turkeys humiliate themselves in public. Everyone’s a winner…’
Reasons To Be Cheerful
‘ON days like today when it appears that everywhere we turn there is just more bad news, we thank our lucky stars for the Star.
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| Holly knew the difference between a gold and platinum disc |
After all, what better way is there to give us a lift than with a fabulous double-page picture of Anorak favourite Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh.
Heres a couple of strikers to cheer you up in the crisis, the paper says and suddenly all seems well with the world again.
So it is with a lighter heart and a spring in our step that we turn again to the papers – and now everywhere we turn the news could hardly be brighter.
For instance, the Star says Aussie singer Holly Valance has decided to return to the tried-and-tested formula for pop success and get her kit off.
Fellow Aussie songbird Kylie Minogue shows off her darker side in the Mirror, looking stunning in black tights and a slashed black sweater.
And the Sun has pictures of ex-telly host and Anorak legend Vanessa Feltz keeping a firm grip on her assets as she goes jogging in Londons Primrose Hill.
Police have issued an apology to residents of nearby Camden and Chalk Farm who phoned in yesterday to report a series of minor earth tremors and say in future they will issue a warning every time Ms Feltz puts her trainers on.’
Football Faces Crisis
‘IT is difficult to believe after the events of last week that English football could bring yet more shame on itself, but it has.Two Leeds United players were arrested at training yesterday over a 20-year-old womans claim that she was raped by one of them after a night on the town on Monday night.
One of the players was later released, but a third man (not a footballer) was also held.
As if we needed reminding, the Sun says it is the third scandal to hit the Premiership in the past 10 days, following the gang rape accusations and Rio Ferdinands failure to attend a drugs test.
In fact, make that four as almost unnoticed yesterday Newcastle striker Craig Bellamy was fined what the Mirror describes as a measly £750 for being dunk and abusive after being refused entry to a nightclub.
The only group of people who can take any satisfaction from the sad and sordid state that football has allowed itself to be dragged into are aficionados of the silhouette.
Both the Sun and the Express have silhouettes of the two Leeds players on their front pages, causing us once again to reach for our Panini stickers to identify the pair involved.
The Mirror has a silhouette of the 20-year-old who claims she was raped in a lay-by on the Leeds to Wetherby road.
And lest we forget the small matter of a gang rape at the Grosvenor Hotel, inside the family of a silhouette of the 17-year-old victim are demanding to know why it has taken police so long to quiz her alleged attackers.
At this rate it is only a matter of time before football becomes a game of 11 silhouettes a side with the media banned (for one reason or another) from showing any players face.
One face we wont see as England line up against Turkey on Saturday is that of Rio Ferdinand, who was yesterday dropped from Sven Goran Erikssons squad after missing a drugs test.
The Manchester United centre half, who claims he forgot about the test because he was moving house, says he is absolutely devastated by the decision.
And, says the Sun, the rest of the squad are preparing to refuse to play in the vital Euro 2004 qualifier unless he is reinstated.
It is a protest that we at Anorak are happy to endorse. However, while theyre about it, perhaps they should demand the return of the Elgin Marbles, freedom for Palestine and an end to gherkins in Big Macs.’
Football Faces Crisis
‘IT is difficult to believe after the events of last week that English football could bring yet more shame on itself, but it has.
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| Another dark day for the game |
Two Leeds United players were arrested at training yesterday over a 20-year-old womans claim that she was raped by one of them after a night on the town on Monday night.
One of the players was later released, but a third man (not a footballer) was also held.
As if we needed reminding, the Sun says it is the third scandal to hit the Premiership in the past 10 days, following the gang rape accusations and Rio Ferdinands failure to attend a drugs test.
In fact, make that four as almost unnoticed yesterday Newcastle striker Craig Bellamy was fined what the Mirror describes as a measly £750 for being dunk and abusive after being refused entry to a nightclub.
The only group of people who can take any satisfaction from the sad and sordid state that football has allowed itself to be dragged into are aficionados of the silhouette.
Both the Sun and the Express have silhouettes of the two Leeds players on their front pages, causing us once again to reach for our Panini stickers to identify the pair involved.
The Mirror has a silhouette of the 20-year-old who claims she was raped in a lay-by on the Leeds to Wetherby road.
And lest we forget the small matter of a gang rape at the Grosvenor Hotel, inside the family of a silhouette of the 17-year-old victim are demanding to know why it has taken police so long to quiz her alleged attackers.
At this rate it is only a matter of time before football becomes a game of 11 silhouettes a side with the media banned (for one reason or another) from showing any players face.
One face we wont see as England line up against Turkey on Saturday is that of Rio Ferdinand, who was yesterday dropped from Sven Goran Erikssons squad after missing a drugs test.
The Manchester United centre half, who claims he forgot about the test because he was moving house, says he is absolutely devastated by the decision.
And, says the Sun, the rest of the squad are preparing to refuse to play in the vital Euro 2004 qualifier unless he is reinstated.
It is a protest that we at Anorak are happy to endorse. However, while theyre about it, perhaps they should demand the return of the Elgin Marbles, freedom for Palestine and an end to gherkins in Big Macs.’
The Battle Of The Bulge
‘WHAT took the First World War almost five years to do, the Daily Mail can do in a single headline as this morning it signs the death warrant for a whole generation.
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| ‘When I grow up, I want to be as fat as Eamonn Holmes’ |
‘Obesity: New Child Alert,’ screams its typically hysterical (if highly ambiguous) front-page headline.
Only by reading on do we learn that ‘the health of an entire generation is under threat from soaring levels of obesity’.
New figures show that one in ten six-year-olds is classed as obese and one in five 15-year-olds, with the number of children with serious weight problems at an all-time high.
So serious is the problem, says the Mail, that Government health advisers issued ‘unprecedented’ advice yesterday to parents on how to keep their children’s weight at a healthy level.
‘Basic measures such as advice in schools on nutrition, a return to home cooking, walking to school and active play are being pushed,’ it says, ‘in the hope of luring children away from junk food and computer games.’
However, children are advised that playing football can have serious side-effects – such as spending most of your twenties sitting in a prison cell.’
It’s A Phixx
‘WE mentioned yesterday in the context of Girls Aloud singer Sarah Hardings overenthusiastic yelps of passion that unknown boyband Phixx have a single out.
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| ‘Did I mention that we’ve got a new single coming out?’ |
That may go a long way to explaining why unknown member of aforementioned unknown boyband, Andrew Kinlochan, has chosen this moment to come out of the closet and announce that he is gay.
The Star says the bombshell dropped in an interview with the gay magazine, Attitude, will come as a great disappointment to his adoring fan.
In a lot of interviews, Im going to be asked a lot of questions that arent relevant to me and Ill feel like Im lying all the time, he says.
Amazingly, the magazine hits the shelves on October 27, exactly the same day as Phixx release their new single, Hold On Me.
The coincidences just keep getting weirder…’
Sex, Drugs & Football
‘IF football is the new rock n roll, then we should not be surprised about the sex and the drugs that follow in its wake.
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| Rio blames it on himself |
After days in which the alleged gang rape of a 17-year-old girl by a group of Premiership footballers has dominated the papers, the game is in fresh turmoil this morning.
Rio Ferdinand, Manchester United and England centre-half, is facing a two-year ban from football after failing to show up for a routine drugs test a fortnight ago.
The 24-year-old claims that he forgot, but under FA rules a player who fails (or refuses) to show up is deemed to have failed the test.
The Sun says it is one of the biggest scandals to hit England since Bobby Moore was falsely accused of stealing a bracelet in Colombia during the 1970 World Cup.
Ferdinand was told about the test before training but claims he forgot because he was moving house, a source close to the testers tells the paper.
Then he rang the club from home when he realised and offered to go back, but the testers had gone. But the fact he was told, then didnt turn up when other players who were asked to did is a big problem for him.
The most immediate result is that Ferdinand will almost certainly be left out of the England squad for the crucial game against Turkey on Saturday.
The Mirror insists there is no suggestion that Ferdinand had anything to hide and says the £29m star has not yet been charged with any offence.
However, the Mail cant hide its scepticism, putting the word forgotten in inverted commas and reminding its readers that the tests are aimed at detecting cannabis and cocaine as well as performance enhancing drugs.
Neither Ferdinand nor his good mate Kieron Dyer, the player who was caught up in the gang rape case because the hotel room was booked under his name, attracts any sympathy from the Mail.
They are, it says, part of a gang of self-absorbed, multi-millionaire football princelings.
They have drunk and copulated their way around the nightclub VIP areas, five-star hotels and exclusive resorts of the western world as if it were their due.
This is the week that reality finally caught up with them and the roof fell in.
Wed hate to hear what the paper said if either player had actually been found guilty of anything.’
Posted: 7th, October 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Firing Blanks
‘WHILE football was busy shooting itself in the foot, illusionist Derren Brown was one bad guess away from blowing his brains out – live on Channel 4.
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| ‘Are there caps in it?’ |
Or was he? The Star reports that the death-defying stunt, in which Brown played Russian Roulette in front of three million viewers was ‘a sham’.
Brown apparently used a blank bullet after police banned him from using real ammunition – and they were happy to confirm: ‘There was no danger involved.’
Of course, had Channel 4 alerted its audience to that fact, there would certainly have been many fewer sad voyeurs tuning in to watch a man kill himself for their gratification.
However, Brown’s spokesman Greg Day insists that the stunt was genuine.
‘What police mean is that they were satisfied that no one apart from Derren was in danger,’ he said.
As well as the issue of whether the bullet was a blank or not, there is also the small matter of the UK gun laws.
The Star confirms that filming took place on a farm in Jersey, where the gun laws are exactly the same as they are on the mainland.
And that surely means that Brown should have been arrested for illegal possession of a handgun – as well as being a self-aggrandising charlatan.’
Hitting The Right Note
‘THERE used to be an advert for the Sun along the lines of Where do they get their stories from?
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| After she was evicted, Sarah was forced to sleep in the car |
So consider this little tale from the papers Bizarre showbiz section.
Apparently, Girls Aloud singer Sarah Harding faces eviction from her flat after a neighbour complained about her noisy romps with boyfriend Mikey Green.
The irate neighbour allegedly slipped a note under Sarahs door in the posh North London block, demanding that the two keep the noise down.
Hello, Ive just moved in a few weeks ago and Ive been woken up during the night by some female noises, the note reads.
I find it quite embarrassing to write but I have to cos I cant bear to hear it any more.
Basically, if you are having sex the whole world doesnt need to know about it. I dont wish to hear it any more, nor do my visitors.
So we ask, as did the papers advert, Where do they get their stories from?
Lets think the Sun has somehow managed to get hold of a note (if indeed and it is a big if – the note is genuine) that was pushed into Sarah Hardings room.
Both Sarah and Mikey get a page of free publicity in Britains best selling paper.
And, as the Sun reminds us, both Sarah and Mikey are busy promoting their new singles.
Hmm. This could be one for Sherlock Holmes…’
Trial By Media
‘IF yesterday’s News Of The World was appearing for the defence of the footballers accused of gang raping a 17-year-old girl, this morning’s papers are outlining the prosecution case.
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| Nicholas Meikle claims the girl was a willing participant |
Through them, the victim of the alleged attack angrily denies claims that she consented to take part in an orgy and insists she will have her day in court.
Publicist Max Clifford said the girl was ‘utterly devastated’ by claims in yesterday’s NOTW that she willingly had sex with four men, including Nicolas Meikle, a celebrity party organiser.
Meikle, who this morning tells the Sun that he stands by his story ‘1,000 per cent’, insisted that the sordid practice of ‘roasting’, where a group of men all have sex with the same woman, was common among Premiership stars.
‘The more I’ve moved around with footballers, the more I’ve seen they just share their girls round,’ he said.
But Clifford tells the Mirror: ‘She consented to sex with one person. She is sobbing her heart out.’
And she insists on the front page of the Star that the men are ‘rapists AND liars’ – and said that all she wanted was justice and the truth to come out.
However, with the case being fought daily in the papers, one wonders whether it will ever actually reach court.
One man who has already been ‘acquitted’ is Newcastle winger Kieron Dyer, who booked the room in the Grosvenor Hotel where the attack is alleged to have happened.
‘Not only did Kieron do nothing wrong, he wasn’t there at any stage with the girl,’ Meikle said. ‘I feel so sorry for him.’
It is not a feeling shared by Newcastle fans who are fed-up with Dyer’s party lifestyle.
‘The sensible players got on a plane after the game and came home,’ Frank Gilmore, of the Independent Supporters’ Club, tells the Star.
‘Dyer booked an expensive hotel room and went around the nightspots. That’s the difference.’
Meanwhile, the Mirror spots three of the Premiership stars at the centre of the allegations meet up in a café to discuss yesterday’s NOTW story.
Two refused to comment on the claims, while the third denied being at the hotel.
The trial by media continues.’
The Gropevine
‘ARNOLD Schwarzenegger has probably got too much on his plate at the moment (as he defends himself against allegations that he is a serial groper) to cast an eye over the British tabloids.
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| The future governor of California |
However, if he did, he would no doubt enjoy a picture of himself in the Sun in which he is shown leering in grotesque fashion at a topless model’s breasts.
As more women come out of the woodwork every hour to accuse the bodybuilder-turned-actor of being a sexual predator, the Sun questions his pledge to be a ‘champion for women’ if elected Governor of California tomorrow.
But there are women aplenty for the Terminator star to champion in the Star where Holly Valance celebrates the release of her new single in time-honoured fashion – by taking most of her clothes off.
The ex-Neighbours star reportedly fell out with her record company a few months ago because she felt she was asked to do too many revealing photo shoots to promote her records.
However, it’s amazing what a few months out of the limelight does for a woman and now Holly is only too happy to slip into some tight and transparent skimpies.
‘I love these outfits – they are so sexy and they leave just enough to the imagination,’ she says.
Or just too much for the imagination of one soon-to-be governor…’
