Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Jodie’s Speed Overdose
‘FORMULA 1 is a dangerous sport, as the roll call of casualties bears witness – Gilles Villeneuve, Ricardo Paletti, Roland Ratzenberger, Ayrton Senna, Jodie Marsh…
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| ‘Where’s third gear?’ |
Jodie Marsh?! You mean THE Jodie Marsh? The woman with the most famous pair of real boobs in Britain?
Brace yourself, dear reader, for some shocking news (as reported on the front page of the Star): F1 Drama Puts Our Jodie In Casualty.
Now, there are a lot of possible explanations for this headline, not least the possibility that Jodie has landed a stretchered-on part in the long-running BBC medical drama as a racing driver fighting for her life in Holbys intensive care.
Of course, however, one look at Jodie and her twin airbags would reassure us all that it would take more than a 200mph crash to put Essexs favourite slapper in hospital.
And indeed it did. For Jodie was actually rushed to hospital during Sundays Day Of Thunder ASCAR event…suffering from car sickness. As a passenger.
Jordans busty rival was being driven around Northamptons Rockingham circuit in the back seat of a two-seat version of Minardis F1 car when she started feeling ill.
At first, nobody realised she was suffering badly from motion sickness, the Star says. But she was close to throwing up then she blacked out.
All this drama happened at the weekend, which begs the question as to why it has taken until now to reach the pages of Britains hottest paper.
Is there any truth in the rumours that it took 24 hours before anyone realised that Jodies comatose state was any different from normal?’
Engrave Danger
‘YESTERDAY was Romeo Beckhams first birthday and we hope you all remembered to send the little tyke a present.
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| ‘I thought you said two becomes one’ |
And we also hope its in better taste than the present sent to Day-vid, who today tells the Sun how he once received an envelope containing a death threat and two bullets.
Both slugs had the soccer stars name scratched on the side, reveals the horrified paper.
And horrified it should be not least by the lack of time and trouble that had gone into personalising the gift.
In future, anyone intending to send the Beckhams bullets for their birthday would be advised to get them professionally monogrammed.
But there is worse to come. The Sun says the accompanying note told a shaken Day-vid that one bullet was for him and one was for Victoria.
Not only did this tax Day-vids mathematical abilities, but it still makes my stomach churn over.
After all, if one bullet was for him and one was Victoria, it would have been only polite to have scratched her name on the side of one of the slugs.
Much better is the present Victoria is seen wearing in this mornings Mirror a T-shirt bearing the slogan: When I Was Your Age, I Was Dumb Too!
Dont worry, Day-vid she is only 13 months older than you, which means you will have caught her up by October next year.’
The Van Gogh Diet
‘PEOPLE will go to great lengths to lose weight, but we dont recommend that you follow magician David Blaines example and cut your ear off.
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| ‘It beats bodypump classes’ |
The Star sees the oddball star hack his lobe off with a Swiss Army penknife borrowed from a cameraman, all the while screaming and cursing in front of a live audience.
Then he immediately showed me the bloody stump where his ear had been and I could see no sign of trickery just a ragged strip of torn flesh, says the reporter.
Anyway, if youre serious about losing weight, an ear here or there is not going to make much difference.
Youd be far better off chopping off an arm or a leg or, alternatively, following the Mirrors 14-day better than the Atkins diet.
Or the Express diet that really works. Or writing to the Mails Atkins agony aunt.
Or getting off your fat arse and doing a bit of exercise.’
Coming Up Roses
‘THERE are certain rites of passage that any aspiring solo singer has to go through to promote her career.
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| ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I write my own lyrics, so buy my records’ |
First, she must shed her wholesome image by posing for her raunchiest ever photo shoot, preferably for a mens magazine.
Then, if in a relationship, she must dump her boyfriend or, if single, get it together with someone who is coincidentally from the same record company.
And then she must cover herself in rose petals and adopt Mena Suvaris pose from American Beauty in what is known as the Emma Bunton Route To Success.
This mornings devotee is former S Clubber Rachel Stevens, who lies back naked in a bed of roses in the Express and contemplates the release of her first solo single in a fortnights time.
Let us hope she enjoys the same success as other devotees such as former Steps star Lisa Scott-Lee, former HearSay singer Kym Marsh and former Spice Girl Emma Bunton herself.’
Strip The Willow
‘A BRILLIANT new 3D football cartoon starts next week, featuring Willow Walker, a 36DD dazzler, wannabe pop star and former girlfriend of footballer Ryan Ford.
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| Next week Dave has a thought of his own… |
BIGshot is the soccer series no fan can afford to be without, says the Star, which this morning gives its readers a sneak preview of what they can expect.
And that, it seems, is a lot of computer-generated flesh and not many computer-generated clothes.
BIGshots heroes provide thrilling goalmouth action on the pitch and play the field off it, the paper explains.
Willow…finds herself competing with Tonya DeVille and a bevy of teenage groupies who will do anything to score with their football favourites.
It goes without saying that we cant wait, but in the meantime we have to turn to the Sun for our computer-generated entertainment.
The paper has a digital mock-up of the famous dressing room confrontation between David Beckham and Sir Alex Ferguson when the Manchester United manager kicked a boot at his star player.
A picture may be worth a thousand of an ordinary mortals words, but not when we have Becks to supply the uncomputer-generated details.
I felt a sting just over my left eye, where the boot had hit me, he says. I put one hand up to it and found myself wiping blood off my eyebrow.
I went for the gaffer. I dont know if Ive ever lost control like that in my life before.
However, in picture 4 we see a raging Becks being restrained by Ryan Giggs, Ruud Van Nisetrooy and Gary Neville (who, we are pleased to report, is just as ugly on paper as he is in real life).
Suddenly it was like some mad scene out of a gangster movie, with them holing me back as I tried to get to the gaffer, says Becks.
But just as I was about to smack the boss in the chops, the dressing room door opened and Willow Walker and Tonya DeVille walked in.
Confronted by Willows 36DD charms, my anger immediately subsided and I felt something else stirring…’
Camera Shy
‘PENNY Lancaster is not just Rod Stewarts blonde du jour she is also, we are constantly reminded, a photographer.
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| Photographer Penny suffers from too much exposure |
And we have no doubt she could become an excellent proponent of her chosen craft if ever she discovers which side of the camera to look through.
In the meantime, Penny continues doing what she does best taking off her clothes and parading in her underwear for the benefit of the waiting snappers.
And yesterday was no exception, with the Mirror just one of several papers who are keen to give their readers a Rods eye view of the leggy, er, photographer.
I dont know what others think, but I never tire of looking at her, said Rod (of his lover, 26 years his junior).
She has the perfect body for modelling, especially those long, incredibly sexy legs.
Er, we think you mean she has the perfect body for photography, Rod. After all, shes only one long incredibly sexy leg short of a tripod…’
Dope In A Soap
‘THE Ferreira family are settling into Walford well – they only moved in a few months ago and already no ones speaking to each other and theyve had a massive public punch up.
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| Wanted for crimes against acting |
Daughter Kareena choose a family wedding to tell her father a few home truths: Your sons dating a whore, your wife isnt dead – so stop pretending she is – and Ive been sleeping with a college drop out.
Shirley (Dans date) wasnt overly pleased to discover that Dans wife isnt dead after all and was actually at the wedding. Shirleys got other fish to fry now, though, as builder Gavin has moved into the flat above her and is keen to show her his tools.
Elsewhere in the Square, Lynnes returned from her sisters to try and patch things up with Gary. Unfortunately Gary refused to stop seeing baby Bobby so Lynne reacted in her usual reasoned way by sucking on a pound of lemons and developing Tourettes Syndrome.
Garys in for another nasty shock when he discovers he isnt Bobbys father after all, and Lauras chosen to put Ian on the birth certificate.
Natalie was another wife willing to give her marriage one more chance but for her it wasnt a baby but a bog creature that ended her chances. Paul and Janine decided that in order to win Barry over she was going to have to make the ultimate sacrifice and sleep with him. I dont mind oo you sleep with darlin, Paul cheerfully told her, before patting her on the bum and shoving her out the door.
The Pig in The Wig (Sharon) has gone to the States to visit Vicky shell be travelling cattle class no doubt and has left Billy in charge of the club. Which is a bit like leaving George Best in charge of a brewery – you know its going to end in disaster.
Billy is in dire straits, as Charlie wants the £500 back he lent Billy for his Get Rich Quick Idiot Scam. Billy came up with the brilliant idea of robbing the club and beating himself up, making out that a gang of robbers had done it. This being Walford, several armed police units turned up on the scene within minutes (well with Phil Mitchell on holiday, theyve got nothing to do) and bizarrely seemed convinced by Billys story. Its unlikely Dennis, who Sharons left to oversee things will though.
Another budding criminal is about to come a cropper in the shape of Martin Fowler. No sooner had he completed his community service than he was arranging his very first drugs deal. The spirit (and blouson style jacket) of Nasty Nick lives on.
Martin has been growing cannabis in his fathers old shed on the allotment. The police had been tipped off and turned up to find Derek in there trying to destroy the evidence. And in true Walford police style they arrest the wrong man, yet again.
Will they never learn?’
Going Underground
‘ITS an absolute disgrace, says Ken Livingston in the Sun. And we ask, what is, Ken. Perhaps youd like to give us a list?
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| Ken’s Londoners relive the spirit of The Blitz |
Reading on we learn that todays disgrace is the blackout that left half a million people in south London and Kent without electrical power.
It is totally unacceptable that this has happened, says Ken, wearing his London mayors hat. Its a horrendous situation.
Hes right to be disappointed, of course. Whereas in New York tens of millions were recently plunged into total darkness, the best London can do is lose a measly 500,000 souls.
Of that number, 250,000 were stuck on the rail network, many on the Tube, as every line on the London underground shut down at the height of evening rush-hour.
The Sun hears from lots of disgruntled commuters with time to kill, livid that the power cut extended their journey times from the average ten hours to ten hours and ten minutes.
People like Charles Pearson, who says that he was stranded in the City and all the taxis were taken and the buses were full.
While thats encouraging for Ken, friend of the cab driver and supporter of the big red bus, we ask who is to blame for the incident?
At the moment the Sun and Star are not speculating on what caused the blackout, but the Mail does have a headline that suggests it might know: As asylum figures fall, are migrants just going underground.
But dont be too hard on the asylum seekers – the Underground is home from home, a reminder of happier times when they lived in the Channel Tunnel ’
Great Days
‘ASYLUM is never far from the top of the news agenda.
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| ‘Nick nick the lot of ’em’ |
And today the Sun hears Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith vow that he will turn the tide of immigration.
Pointing to a map of the world, IDS says: These plans are bold and ambitious and they have already been tried in Australia and they work.
Surely he means on and not in Australia, but well forgive him. Whats one vowel when a nation is in peril?
What the Tories need, and thus Britain needs, is a champion. And that triggers a call to the man who will never surrender, Jim Davidson.
As part of keen Tory supporter Davidsons drive to turn foreigners away from Britain, hes beginning to talk down its appeal.
And the first beach where hell fight them is at Great Yarmouth.
The Mirror hears Jims views on the Norfolk resort, and relays them to its readers. In the comics opinion Great Yarmouth is full of overweight people in flip-flops and fat children of all colours and no class.
And if Ali and Osman are considering a stay at the three-star Dolphin Hotel, they should think again – according to Jim its only adequately shit.
And Jim knows the place since hes now appearing at the end of the towns Britannia pier. And he has more to say: English seaside resorts are finished.
Local hoteliers and even the local MP keep the ploy going by saying how upset that are by Jims antics and how although it is shit, it is at least their shit.
And Jim too sticks to the script. You do see fat people. Tell me you dont and I will say youre a liar.
But if Jims plan works what you wont see are asylum seekers or Australians…’
Luther King
‘THE story goes that when former footballer Luther Blissett was bought by Italian club AC Milan, they thought they were securing the services of his then Watford FC colleague John Barnes.
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| Luther Blissett |
This is an important fact, serving to remind you that Luther has a history of mistaken identity, of being taken for another. And its happened again.
The Express says that the authors of a book entitled Q the fictional tale of a 16th century theology student – have adopted the name Luther Blissett.
Now that the book has been nominated for a £10,000 literary prize, the paper thinks its time to catch up with the great man.
Ive not read the book, says Luther, and dont know much about it…But if your name is linked to a book youd like it to be a success.
Weve read the book, so you dont have to, and the parts about the monks bed-wetting and the incident with the local wench are riveting ’
Oliver’s Army
‘WHILE the news remains as thin as a former Spice Girl on the Atkins Diet, the papers are shuffling their celebrity pack of cards and coming up with something less than trumps.
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| Jamie and some of his many pals |
Todays first card on the table is Jamie Oliver, otherwise known as the Joker, the fifteen of clubs or that plonker with too much tongue.
And Jamie has heard the criticism and, talking to the Express, says how hes hurting bad.
Jamie believes that those Sainsburys adverts in which he goes shopping with his gran and breaks herb and mango bread with his made-for-TV mates have ruined his image.
Sainsburys adverts, everyone going on about however much Im supposed to be earning and thinking, Little shit, says Jamie.
Say what you like about him but hes picked up on the national mood.
But things have changed, chiefly because Jamie returned to our screens in the show Jamies Kitchen, where the tongue-some one took 15 unemployed youngsters or mates, as Jamie calls them and turned them into top-flight chefs.
And the Sun has caught up with them, all 14 of them. What happened to old whatshisname, the one with the slack jaw and the potato-pickers fingernails is not known but isnt that meaty terrine a treat.’
Green-Eyed Monster
‘NEXT card out of the celebrity pack is the Two of Kebabs, the one with the tatty corner that crops up in the worst hands.
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| To remember in our prayers |
For the purposes of todays report its called Jade Goody, and its talking to the Star about love, life and that painful split from Jeff Brazier.
Readers learn that Jade verbally battered Jeff while she was pregnant. When I was pregnant I was absolutely terrible, says Jade, who is now merely awful.
I was always having a go. I never ever thought of Jeffs feelings. Id say mean and nasty things that hurt him.
Things like, Im going to be with you forever; Wherever you go, I will be by your side; and Its Saturday…Ill get the meat paste.
The result of this appalling behaviour was that Jeff left the love nest. I felt like I was giving so much and not getting anything back, he whines. So I wrote Jade a letter and told her exactly how I felt.
The contents of that note are not revealed, but on reading it Jade reacted badly and Jeff decided to pack his bags.
He is now back at Jades pad. But what was in that letter that caused such a rift? The smart money is on a picture of Jamie Oliver…’
Dysfunctional Families
‘THE final game of cards played today is a version of Snap with a Happy Families twist. Make that an unhappy, dysfunctional families angle, because out game involves the stars of TV soap operas.
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| I was either another Den or a leather handbag |
We have long suspected that out there in TV land there exists a fourth dimension in which soap personnel interact – one member of one soap clan beds another character from another soap and so on.
Today we learn that EastEnders idiot Billy Mitchell (Perry Fenwick) is dating Coronation Streets resident bent copper Emma Watts (Angela Lonsdale).
The Mirror has spotted the couple sharing holiday time in Marbella, following them as they kiss and cuddle over meals in local restaurants.
These restaurants are not local to we stay-at-home Brits, but local to Marbella, where most such dalliances occur.
If you are travelling to the Costa del Sol this year look out for other soap crossbreeding.
And dont forget to take in the old set of Eldorado, where residents have been creating a new soap character from left over body parts and bits of leathery skin.
Dirty Den is back from the dead…’
Crumbling Cliff Face
‘HAS Tony Blair become the new Saddam Hussein?
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| ‘Fancy meeting you in the woods, Dr Kelly’ |
We ask this in a figurative rather than a literal sense, since Tony is no Moslem but a sandal-wearing Christian of high morals and low-slung white socks.
What we mean is has Tony taken a leaf from the Saddam Hussein book of survival and cloned others to look like him?
Suspicions that he has are found in todays Express where Cliff Richard has admitted that he has used cosmetic surgery.
Because of this Peter Pan of Pop title, I have had to live up to something that nobody can actually get…If I wasnt a celebrity, I wouldnt care about how much things dropped or drooped, say Cliff.
Only he is and he does care – he cares deeply. And so the Mail has a few shots of what purports to be Cliff changing through the ages.
In 1966, Cliff was your average Bachelor Boy, all teeth and raw magnetic talent. In 1999, now Sir cliff was worried about the lines on his forehead and reached for the Botox.
And in 2002, Cliff has the kind of skin that would not be out of place on Peter Pans pert backside, but his eyebrows are beginning to droop.
But to our main point: is this Sir Cliff or something else entirely? Is Cliff Richard the new Tony Blair, and vice versa?
Over in the Mirror, Barry Manilow has been seen after his own dabble with cosmetic surgery, leaving the clinic wearing what is believed to be a blonde wig and a baseball cap.
The paper wonders whats beneath the bandages, mocking up shots of Manilow with a Jimmy Hill-style chin, Leslie Ash lips, goofy teeth and ears a rutting elephant would be proud to call his own.
But could there be something more hideous under the miles of crepe? Tony always wanted to be a musician and having failed in that dream maybe hes turning the kings of pop into him?
As Tony the Moslem would say: if a hit album wont come to Tony, Tony must go to the hit album…’
Dik Dik Head
‘IT seems that not everyone who was cordially invited to Prince Williams birthday turned up. As this letter reproduced in the Star confirms.
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| ‘Is that a spear in your hand are you just pleased to see me?’ |
Dear William, I was happy to hear that I was the first choice to play at your 21st birthday bash – then disgusted to learn that you hunt and kill animals for fun and that you purposely rammed a spear through a tiny dear in Africa, writes pop star Pink to our dear Prince Wills.
A reply from the Palace is imminent and in the meanwhile a spokesman for the future king says that William will be writing to tell Pink that he did not kill the small antelope, as has been reported
To give full vent to the rumours, the Express says how it is claimed that William used a 7ft spear to kill a dik dik antelope during hunting trip in Kenya.
The story goes that a Masai warrior had tutored William in his customs and his pupil was keen to test out his mew skills armed with a traditional acacia wood spear and his own animal cunning.
It also helped that the prey was a mere 14-inches high and most likely bowed when the Royal personage approached.
Wills, as we have heard, denies the allegation. So perhaps it should be Pink and not young Windsor who should be condemned? It all depends on which dumb animal you believe to have been hurt…’
Waiting For The Clamp Down
‘YOU have got to love the police. It says so on their truncheons.
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| Police unveil new plan to curb illegal parking |
And now another reason to adore the men, women and even boys in blue has arrived in todays Sun.
While out apprehending real villains and, in this instance, looking for a missing person, two cops parked their regulation Ford Fusion on a patch of tarmac in Portsmouth.
The officers left the vehicle and went sleuthing. When they returned they were horrified to see that their vehicle had been clamped.
Barry McQuile of Aquarius Securities (to remember in our prayers) says that the car was only clamped when it became clear that the police were not on business at the firm.
So the clampers struck, and in doing so provided the Sun with a lovely shot of the cops forking our £90 to the official clamper.
Once more the police have given us joy and laughter on a drab morning.
What they will give Aquarius Securities is another thing. Most likely another visit this time an official one…’
The Notting Hill Mob
‘AMONG the many modules in such topics as Heavy Sarcasm and Looking Out of Car Window (Levels I and II), Hendon police college offers a course in Carnival.
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| PC Johns was taken over by the music |
The Government hopes to make this a full A-level very soon, and by way of a prelude, the Express follows police student Dougie Cole as he goes into the field for some course work.
And where else can he have gone than the Notting Hill Carnival?
Having painted his whistle a regulation red, green and gold, the coppers first job is to locate a cheeky young black imp.
Thus clutching Susan Currie, 2, to his stab-proof vest, PC Cole lets her remove his hard hat and place it upon her own head.
In the Carnival glossary this is known as a Fit Up or Trying It On.
The aim is to place the black character at ease and make the law enforcement officer a member of the community. While the troops in Iraq wear soft berets to bond with the locals, the cops of West London go topless.
The Sun shows the picture of the Fit Up in action and also has a shot of dancer Edemar Santos, clad in golden bikini and fishnet tights ready to bump n grind.
And so on to part two of the outing. No pictures are delivered to our breakfast tables but you can imagine a ruddy-cheeked cop dancing for his career.
Perhaps as a result, the Express hears Deputy Metropolitan Police Commissioner, the vocationally-named Andy Trotter, say that in addition to the 117 arrests made by his men, there had been a number of scuffles.
Or dances as the Carnival course book calls them.’
Getting Legless
‘YOU would suppose that with so many black limbs about, one could be found to replace Ingrid Nicholls missing foot.
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| My other one’s got bells on |
But the Mirror learned that foot transplants are the stuff of science fiction and that when Nicholls went to hospital for a new appendage she was offered a white one made of plastic.
Clearly this was not good enough. To quote Eric Morecambe, you could most definitely see the join.
Whats more, when Nicholls complained she was told that there was no NHS funding for black limbs in the Royal Berkshire region and if she wanted one it would set her back £3,000.
The Mirror was soon on the case. And is happy to say that the situation has now been resolved. Now, thanks to a second amputation, Nicholls has the matching feet she craved.
But hang on. How the wonders of prosthetics can fool even our keen eye. That is a black foot, much like the other one. Its a pair.’
Summer Lovin’
‘ONE woman who has had no surgery is Lucy Pinder, and today she is flying the flag in a Union Jack bikini.
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| Anchors away |
Lucy occupies the cover of the Star, ready to undo or tie up the top on her shimmering two-piece.
For those not in the know, Lucy is the new glamour model on the block, having been discovered taking the sun on Bournemouth beach.
‘I still really can’t believe what’s happening to me this summer,’ says Lucy. ‘I’m loving every minute of it and have even had people ask me for my autograph.’
Thrilling days indeed.
But Lucy has yet to uncover her talents. If she’s in need of a pointer she could do worse than turn to the sun where Jordan is floating off the coast of St Tropez, France.
Jordan’s a game gal, and for a mere 10 euros, would-be Steve Redgrave’s can pick up an ore, climb on board and row the day away.
We have yet to see how low Lucy is prepared to go. Or how peda-low, as HMS Jordan might say…’
Jam Today
‘WHAT Michelles thoughts are about Bank Holiday traffic we dont know, but we do know that the country is about to grind to a halt as holidaymakers head for the coast.
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| Last year we stayed in a Renault Megan |
How? The Mail and the Express both say so, reporting the news that large chunks of the rail network are to be closed for repairs this weekend.
Work on three of the busiest main lines will have a knock-on effect on the roads, adding to the headaches of some seven million drivers who are expected to be heading for festivals, sporting events and the tourist hotspots, says the Mail.
The Express says travel organisations have warned people to prepare for widespread gridlock.
With their usual genius for causing maximum disruption at the worst possible time, Britains train bosses have decided it is the ideal weekend for engineering work, it says. Delays and cancellations are the least we can expect.
But in these days of no accountability for anything, the following can be guaranteed: when you have spent much of the weekend stuck in a train or a car and emerge wretched, furious and exhausted…absolutely no-one will ultimately shoulder the blame.
Happy holiday, everyone!’
Price Of Fame
‘CELEBRITY comes at a price and Big Brother fruitcake Nush Nowak is today paying for her 15 minutes of fame with 18 months of agony.
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| Nush and a friend |
Thats how long it will be before the hippy chick can walk again, according to the Star, after a mugger left her with a broken knee and thigh.
The paper says the blonde was attacked as she walked back to her London hotel with new lover Scott Turner, Big Brother supernerd Jon Tickle and a group of other showbiz pals.
They were horrified as a mugger suddenly ripped her handbag from her shoulder and shoved her to the ground so violently she shattered her knee and thighbone, it says.
And the Star warns that she may not be able to walk for a year and a half following the seven-hour surgery at the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead, north London.
Turning to the Sun for a second opinion, it offers a slightly more encouraging prognosis, suggesting it will be five months before the yoga fan makes a full recovery.
That would ruin her lucrative deal to produce a fitness video for Christmas, it says.
Also in the wars by the looks of things is Sadie Frost, whose bruised body appears on the front page of the Mirror, prompting the paper to speculate as to the cause of her injuries.
The actress, famous for her role as Jude Laws wife and Kate Moss friend, fled to St Tropez with lover Jackson Scott after a confrontation with Jude on the doorstep of their home.
And she isnt the only one sporting injuries, Kate has a nasty gash on her chin and several bruises on her legs.
Fame, as Lydia Grant warned us all those years ago, costs…’
Gunning For Us
‘WE all know how criminals often change their identities to try to escape their past, but few do it as quickly or as publicly as Jemma Gunning.
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| Free the Faliraki two! |
Yesterday, we told you how a Gemma-Anne Gunning was sentenced to a year in a Greek jail for flashing her boobs after winning a Eurovision Thong Contest in a Faliraki bar.
Well, this morning we come across a defiant Jemma Gunning telling the Express that she does not regret what she did for a moment.
I still dont think Ive done anything wrong, she says. I dont feel ashamed of what Ive done not in the slightest.
However, that is not the view of the Express, which dubs the 18-year-old the strip girl who shamed Britain.
We can only assume this is a comment on the assets that Jemma was flaunting around the Bedrock bar rather than the offence itself because its sister paper, the Star, takes a far more lenient view.
If flashing your bum and boobs in public is a criminal offence, writes columnist Dawn Neesom, then the likes of Jordan and Jodie would have been hung, drawn and quartered months ago.
And the world would be a far more boring place.
The Star catches up with Jemma-Anne (another of her aliases) in jail before step-dad Simon Brake arrived to pay the £2,100 needed to buy her out.
She had been crying, it says, and she was dressed in the same clothes she was wearing when she was arrested.
Which given the nature of her offence was presumably nothing but a g-string.’
Ass Bandits
‘WHILE the Greeks get worked up about British arses, were getting all steamed up about British asses, with todays news that asylum seekers are eating our donkeys.
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| ‘Nice ass!’ |
Yes, according to the front page of this mornings Star, nine female donkeys have been stolen from Greenwich Royal Park in London and are on the way to a dinner table near you.
That at least is the view of the police who say that donkey meat is considered a delicacy by East Africans.
And, it says, two areas near Greenwich Woolwich and Thamesmead have large numbers of Somalian asylum seekers.
That is easily enough evidence for the Star, although the police thankfully are a bit more circumspect.
We are totally baffled over what has happened to the donkeys, a police insider tells the paper.
Theyve been giving rides to kids for years and have become a bit of an institution.
The Star says this incident of donkey rustling follows reports of swans being stolen from ponds and lakes in London supposedly by immigrants to eat.
But if the donkeys are not on a Somalian dinner plate by now, where are they?
Owner Len Thorne said he was also checking reports that Albanian immigrants have been spotted in the past few days giving donkey rides in seaside towns in Kent.
And he might also like to check out reports that they are being ritualistically tortured by Kurdish refugees or put to work by cruel Spaniards.
But the Star is sticking with its story that they have been eaten and isnt above presenting it as fact to predictably outraged locals.
It makes my blood boil when I hear that asylum seekers have stolen them to eat, says 76-year-old Margaret Reynolds as she tucked into a swan sandwich.’
The Common Touch
‘PRINCE Harry is a toff. His grandmothers Queen, he plays polo and hes as thick as pigshit all essential ingredients of the toffs make-up.
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| A damned nice looking filly |
But hes a toff with the common touch, according to the Sun, which devotes a full page this morning to the startling news that Harry occasionally deigns to converse with mere commoners.
In fact, he has struck up an amazing friendship with Katie Vidler, a part-time barmaid at his favourite pub.
A pint of London Pride please, love and Make mine a double are just some of the phrases that Harry has uttered to the stunning 18-year-old.
And one pal tells the Sun: Katie and Prince Harry were from completely different social classes, but seemed to hit it off.
It shows Harry takes people for who they are and not what they have.
Tomorrow, the time that Prince William passed the time of day with a lowly shop girl.’
Bum Rap
‘WE dont get to see who came second and third in the Miss Sexy Bum contest in the Bedrock nightclub in the infamous Greek resort of Faliraki.
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| Gemma-Anne shows off the offending articles |
But we do know who won the event, billed as a Eurovision Thong Competition 18-year-old Gemma-Anne Gunning.
Naturally, Gemma-Anne was excited at her victory, which carried a prize of 50 euros and a bottle of champagne, and celebrated in true footballing style by whipping off her top and flashing her boobs.
Unfortunately, while the flier for the event said it would be filmed for future broadcast, it forgot to say that doing the filming would be undercover cops.
And the future broadcast would be in a Greek court where yesterday Gemma-Anne was sentenced to eight months in jail unless she can pay a fine of £2,036.
The Star says the Somerset teenager was just the latest victim of the crackdown on decency [sic] at the wild Greek resort.
Faliraki police chief Themis Kalamotas explained that he carried out the arrests himself.
As soon as Miss Gunning was proclaimed winner, we took her away, he said.
And District Attorney George Economou elaborated: She has insulted our Greek values. While she is in Greece, she must abide by our laws.
She took her bikini off. She squeezed her nipples and made other gestures.
But, in spite of her ordeal, Miss Sexy Bum 2003 was defiant, telling the paper: Im big enough and ugly enough to look after myself.
A fact confirmed by pictures of her on the front page of the Mail and Express.’
