Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Kym Jacks It In
‘WITH David Gest back on the dusty shelf after his split from Liza Minnelli, the Express says that he’ll soon be joined by Jack Ryder.
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| ‘I can’t wait to have children with Jack’ (Kym Marsh – OK! July 29 2003) |
Hunky Jack, who once played a short, pasty-faced mechanic in EastEnders, is said to have split from his wife Kym Marsh after just a year of marriage.
The paper shows a picture of the F-list pair toasting future happiness and album sales at their wedding just one year ago.
Back then the talk was of enduring love and how the pair would rival Michael and Catherine and Posh and Becks for the top spot in the gossip sheets.
The best-laid plans of failed actors and cabaret singers, eh?
Now they issue a statement. ‘Our priority is to preserve the marriage and to consider the children,’ says the carefully worded document. ‘Hopefully with this time and space we’ll be able to sort out our differences.’
Has Jack learned nothing from his time as a soap actor? The only way to mend fences is to have it ‘aht. And then sleep with her mother/sister/father.
Giving Kym space might be asking for trouble, especially as the Sun already hears rumours that she’s having an affair with 20-year-old David Wilcox of boy band Triple 8.
An obliging picture of Kym and David in an embrace is provided. Kym’s not saying anything about the rumours, preferring to stick to her original statement.
Jack had best hope she remains as tight-lipped for the duration of their break and her (alleged) romance…
‘
Euan Cry
‘JAMIE! JAMIE! Ohmygod! Nooooo! We’ve just heard that (gulp) Jamie Oliver has been involved in an accident.
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| Twenty points (with a five-point yellow jumper bonus) |
Amazingly it’s got nothing to do with his tongue being caught in a deep-fat fryer, but involves Jamie’s scooter colliding with a ‘crazy’ white van driver.
The Star dashes to the scene and sees Jamie lying in a London street.
‘I got knocked off by some idiot in a white van who didn’t indicate and was driving a little bit crazy,’ says our mockney hero.
‘When I fell I put my tooth through my lip, which hurt. But, luckily, that’s all that happened!’
You can never be too careful, and our medical experts advise Jamie in the strongest possible terms to take it easy for the next ten years and try not to speak.
Your health, Jamie, is our prime concern.
And while your feet are up, dear Jamie, you can read the Sun’s story of another horrific prang, this time involving Euan Blair.
‘Oh God, mum’s going to kill me,’ says Euan as he surveys the damage to his Ford Focus and the minicab he’s just hit.
Well, she will now – what was it God’s Highway Code says about taking Dad’s name in vain? It’ll be more than a fine for you, my boy…
‘
Bent It Like Beckham
‘IT has been too long, but the Sun has worked tirelessly to dig up another David Beckham story.
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| Marcus shoots, he scores |
This one involves David’s sister, Joanne, who is the talk of the paper’s Bizarre section.
The less-than-sensational news is that Beckham has ‘transferred’ one player for another, dumping West Ham footballer Jermain Defoe for Ipswich Town striker Marcus Bent.
London’s Sugar Reef Club was the venue chosen by the pair to announce their love, where they were seen partying hard in a ‘tiny’ area roped off near the bar.
You can picture the scene and Joanne and Marcus enter the VIP section, reserved for sisters of footballers and footballers with terrible names.
Once in the exclusive area, Joanne danced while Marcus leaned against a wall.
‘Occasionally they would get so close they would start snogging again and then continue dancing again,’ says one eyewitness.
After each song, the rope would then be brought in a further inch, until Marcus and Joanne were effectively trapped.
They remain in the club to this day, dancing and reassuringly out of reach of us mere mortals…
‘
Cherie-o Baby
‘KNOWING as you do that the best satire is very close to that which it lampoons, we bring you news that Cherie Blair likes to sing.
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| Cherie sings Morrissey |
In itself this is not such big news, and what the Mail tells us today was learnt last week when Cherie burst into a rendition of When I’m 64.
The interesting bit is that in an interview with Marie Claire magazine, which the Mail has seen, Cherie is belting out a rendition of Jesus Christ Superstar.
This is not some sort or kinky foreplay, where Tony lies in his crown of thorns and Cherie as Mary Magdalene seduces him to a fifth apostle and a third term in office.
Singing’s just what Cherie likes to do on the way home from the office.
Other favourites coming to a bargain bucket near you are Cherie’s version of hits from My Fair Lady and The Sound of Music.
‘I sing whenever I can,’ says Cherie, forcing us to question Tony’s claim, made in China, that her rendition of The Beatles’ hit was unrehearsed.
But having sent up her husband in song, Cherie is seen in a picture, this time reproduced in the Sun, clearly pretending to be him.
Standing in a room full of scattered toys – believed to be Leo’s – Cherie is seen holding a mug of tea, Tony style. She then goes to her office to check her e-mails.
This is a marvellous satire on her husband, a keen fan of the UK’s Internet Superbridlepass. All that’s left for Cherie to do is to pretend to run the country.
Give it time…
‘
Going Down a Storm
‘AS Cherie wants to be Tony, we all want to be like our own heroes.
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| Dannii decided to copy her crowd and affect a look of total boredom |
So when the Star went to a Dannii Minogue concert at Kingsbury Water Park (‘The Vegas of Warwickshire’) it saw tens of fans who wanted to be just like Kylie’s sister.
When Danniii raised her left hand and pointed her fingers into the distance, the crowd copied her. When Danniiii waved, the crowd waved back. And when Danniiiii grabbed her nose and shimmied to the floor, the crowd aped her every move.
‘I saw her doing this strange move which was not like her normal dance routines,’ said Danniiiiii fan Gemma Jones. ‘I thought it might be some new sort of dance craze and started copying.’
It wasn’t. What it was was Danniiiiiii’s response to her seeing a boat on one of the lakes capsize.
Says the singer: ‘I wanted to stop singing and shout: ‘He’s capsized! Help him! Help him!”
She wanted to – but she didn’t. Ever the professional, Danniiiiiiii carried on regardless. In any case, the man in the capsized dingy was fine.
He waved back to Danni no less than three times. And Danni, and thus the crowd, followed suit…
‘
Be Our Gest
‘OVER the weekend we were saddened, shocked and sick to our boots to hear the news that ‘superstar’ Liza Minnelli’s marriage to David Gest is over.
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| When you laugh at David the world laughs with you |
The Sun lingers over the bones of what was once so fleshy a relationship, telling us that the final straw came when David told Channel 4’s Graham Norton that his wife became ‘hugely fat’ while ill.
‘I can’t believe you’re saying that about your lovely wife,’ said Norton at the time. And nor could Liza.
An unnamed source says that Liza was ‘furious’. ‘She is very sensitive about her weight.’
So it’s all over. The union of two perfect specimens, one of womanhood and one of something approaching manhood is at an end.
We wish Liza well, and hope that David remains in the limelight, making us, the ugly, fat and waxy, feel better about ourselves.
Just knowing he’s out there is enough…
‘
Wish You Were Her?
‘THE bitter pill that is Noel Edmonds’ return to radio after a 20-year absence receives a massive dose of sugar in the news that Anthea Turner’s TV days are over.
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| Uday and Qusay Bovey are now thankfully no more |
The woman described by the Mail as ‘the former golden girl of the small screen’ says she is now happy to stay at home with husband Grant Bovey and concentrate on charity work.
It is news that will no doubt inspire delight and dread in equal measure – delight among the TV-watching public and dread among wives near the homewrecker’s Surrey mansion.
‘I have absolutely no television plans at the moment and that’s the way it’s been for some time,’ Anthea tells the Mail, as she tucks into a bar of the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate.
‘Reports that there were several projects in the pipeline were false – I have nothing going on right now.’
Hardly an unequivocal statement of intent (or lack of it), but rather an admission that there is no longer any call for her unique talents.
After all, for all this talk of retirement, do we really believe that a woman who volunteered for Celebrity Big Brother would really turn down a TV role if it were offered to her?
But whether this is a break (‘Have a break, have a Kit-Kat,’ as Grant and Anthea will say – for the right fee) or a permanent state of affairs (a subject close to Anthea’s heart), it is clear that TV is no longer the most important thing in the 43-year-old’s life.
‘I think one of the worst things that could happen would be that, if in ten years’ time, I looked back on the best moments of my life and they were all about television,’ she says.
With a career that has encompassed Blue Peter, GMTV, National Lottery Live and Wish You Were Here?, that would indeed be one of the worst things that can happen.
But luckily she found her very own Milk Tray man (dark brown on the outside, white on the inside) to help her to realise that there is more to life than double-sided sticky tape.
‘Finding love is much more fulfilling,’ she says, ‘and Grant helped me realise that.’
And so we hope the two live happily ever after like, er, two sticks of chocolate cosying up inside a Twix wrapper…
‘
Celebrity Cat-Fight
‘IF Fleet Street’s finest allowed themselves a moment to dream of the story they would most love to cover, a cat-fight between Kylie Minogue and Angelina Jolie would be right up there.
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| Heads or tails? |
And it is not such a distant possibility this morning, as the Star reports that both women have got the hots for the same man, French hunk Olivier Martinez.
While Kylie is at home in London apparently preparing to get pregnant with the aid of a special diet, Angelina has been entertaining Martinez in her rented house in Canada.
The two are said to have hit it off on the set of Hollywood thriller Taking Lives.
‘They dined together most nights during the shoot and he was spotted entering her rented Westmount home,’ says New York Post gossip columnist Richard Johnson.
‘They are being careful about all the publicity. They often go out in a group, then discreetly meet up afterwards.’
Kylie, who the Star says spent four hours checking out wedding dresses in Paris last month, is meanwhile intent on having a baby with her 37-year-old boyfriend.
‘Kylie has changed her diet,’ a source within the Kylie camp says. ‘There’s no alcohol, just oily fish and vegetables. It’s a well-known diet for women trying to get pregnant.’
It’s just not very effective if your boyfriend’s 5,000 miles away and shagging someone else.
‘
Off With Their Heads
‘IF only life was as simple as it is in Madame Tussaud’s, which yesterday managed to get rid of half the Royal Family with barely a whimper of protest.
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| They got on Madame Tussaud’s wick too |
The waxworks of Prince Edward and wife Sophie, along with Prince Andrew and Princess Anne, were all given the axe – quite literally.
In a move reminiscent of the origins of the exhibition, the heads of the four were chopped off and will be kept in the archives while the bodies are melted down.
The Mirror says the move comes as a result of a survey that showed little interest in the Royal Family, with visitors preferring something a bit more modern.
‘They will make way for a new star attraction – Prince William – if negotiations with the Palace later this year are successful,’ it explains.
That accounts for one of the four discarded waxworks, but what of the other three?
Perhaps, rumours that Jordan is to be immortalised in wax are true after all…
‘
Watts Next
‘DENNIS and Dalton had a ‘worst impression of a gangster’ contest this week and, in a shock result, Dalton was declared the winner. His prize was a bullet in his head to put him (and us) out of his misery.
Dennis had persuaded Phil not to kill him and the pair decided that the only way out was for Dennis to kill Dalton. ‘You’ve been like a dad to me,’ sobbed Dennis to Dalton as he promptly shot him in the head.
God knows what he’s going to do to his real dad when he returns to The Square.
Phil celebrated the news of Dalton’s demise by proposing to Kate over a curry. He had planned on cooking a romantic meal but nanny Joanne had other plans. Joanne is turning into a quality ‘Hand The Rocks The Cradle’ style mentalist.
After telling Phil that Kate slept with Dennis, she’s now determined to scupper his marriage plans. Unfortunately, the best she could come up with was pouring fish paste into his pasta sauce.
She tearfully ran out of the house and straight into Dennis’ arms, who decided she needed a special sort of Watts comforting which involved her taking her pants off. Like father like son, eh?
Back chez Mr Potato Head, Kate was just about to reply to Phil’s proposal when the Walford Flying Squad burst in to question Phil about Dalton’s murder. Walford police seem to exist for the sole purpose of investigating Phil Mitchell. If they ever do arrest him, they’ll all be out of jobs.
In some of the most distressing scenes on television since Jeffery Archer’s prison release was broadcast, in a bid to stir Barry’s ardour, Janine was shown in wet hot pants and a vest top, washing the cars in the car lot.
Bizarrely, rather than projectile vomiting, both Barry and Paul who was standing nearby, fell for her ‘charms’ and both asked her out on a date. Janine agreed to both but later revealed to Paul that she’s planning on fleecing Barry for everything he’s got.
‘He deserves it,’ smirked Janine to Paul later in bed. Indeed, anyone who fancies Janine is clearly so mentally subnormal that he shouldn’t be running a business in the first place.
And on the subject of mentally subnormal, Gary’s in the doghouse with Lynne for helping Laura prepare for the birth of their baby. Lynne is understandably not pleased to discover that Gary’s been building a cot and giving the baby presents of West Ham baby-grows (that’s definitely not right).
After giving him a ‘it’s the baby or me ‘ ultimatum, Gary agreed to go round to Laura’s to tell her he couldn’t see her any more. Of course, as soap-timing would have it, Laura happened to go into labour at that very minute.
Gary may be off the hook soon though as, between us, Laura may have entertained more than one gentleman the night she got pregnant. Jordan and Jodie watch out – there’s a new kid on the block.
‘
Turkey Time
‘EVEN an airbrush, famously used to make J-Lo’s bum look slimmer and her breasts bigger on the movie poster for Gigli, couldn’t save the film itself.
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| ‘Do we have to sit through any more of this rubbish?’ |
Last week, we reported the views of one reviewer who described it as ‘the worst film ever’.
And this morning the Sun pitches in, quoting critics who have branded it ‘a total disaster’ with ‘laughable dialogue and ludicrous plot’.
It was on the set of Gigli (about a lesbian assassin seduced by a hitman) that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck fell in love in real life.
But we can only assume that their romance was fuelled by a shared sense of humour as the couple spent their time laughing at the lines they were asked to utter.
For instance, in one scene J-Lo tries to seduce Affleck by lying back on the bed and telling him (with rare irony): ‘It’s turkey time.’
When he (along with the whole of the audience) asks ‘What?’, she replies: ‘Come on, gobble, gobble!’
‘It was possibly the worst line ever said in a movie,’ one reviewer suggested.
But not content with being the worst film ever and containing the worst line ever, Gigli also boasts two of the worst performances ever.
‘Affleck is just totally miscast and J-Lo is just awful,’ says a critic.
Gigli is released in the United States next week, but British audiences will have to wait until mid-September to see the film.
Start forming an orderly queue now…
‘
Lording It About
‘THERE are certain things that we will never run short of – such as jokes at Vanessa Feltz’s expense and reasons to hate Jeffrey Archer.
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| Lord of the Lies |
No sooner has the lying peer emerged from prison, however, he provides yet more grist to the mill of those of us who cannot abide the man.
For the past two days, the perjurer has been bleating in the Mail about how conditions in prison fell somewhat short of the living standard he was used to.
The carrots in the shepherd’s pie were soft, the Krug was not vintage and the panorama was interrupted by the bars on the window.
Well, this morning we learn that he intends to sue the Prison Service over the ‘distress’ he suffered behind bars.
‘The 63-year-old author, freed this week, claims he received ‘unfair and brutal’ treatment,’ the Mirror says.
‘He is still furious that he was moved from a soft open prison to tough Lincoln jail after being caught at a champagne party while on home leave.’
The paper says Archer is being urged on by his friends, who are feeding his belief that he was victimised by Home Secretary David Blunkett and prisons boss David Narey.
But it can’t help reminding him of the words of one illustrious speaker at a recent Tory party conference: ‘If you don’t want to do the time, don’t do the crime.’
Step forward, Lord Archer (aka Prisoner No.FF8282)…
‘
A Piece Of Cake
‘EVEN if the papers cannot teach us how to lie like Jeffrey Archer, they are packed full of useful advice for other areas of our lives.
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| Demi Moore, after three days on the Feltz diet |
For instance, Express readers can learn ‘how to get a celebrity body – the easy way’; Mirror readers get tips on ‘how to improve your sex life’ and Sun readers get the chance to learn Beyonce’s ‘bootylicious’ new dance.
Readers of all three papers are in for a busy day, so let’s content ourselves with the Express for this morning.
First, we assume the celebrity body you want belongs to the likes of Liz Hurley or Demi Moore rather than Vanessa Feltz or Lisa Riley.
[If this is an incorrect assumption, our advice is simple: eat cakes – and lots of them.]
We also assume that you haven’t got $400,000 spare with which to follow Demi Moore’s example and buy a whole new body from one of the ‘body farms’ that are springing up all over California.
And finally we assume that you don’t want to cut down on your high-calorie diet or indeed do any exercise more strenuous than opening the door of your fridge.
So, for those of you who are still with us and haven’t plunged headlong into a vat of ice cream, here we go.
For Liz Hurley’s super-toned thighs, the Express recommends Body Ultimate’s Body Firming Treatment. For Demi Moore’s cellulite-free form, don’t look beyond Oxyjet Body Firming Treatment.
For Emma Bunton’s lithe new look, try a Vitamin C-Co-Q10 American Body Wrap; for J-Lo’s pert posterior, pull on a pair of Gerard’s Thalassotherapy Toning Trousers.
For Victoria Beckham’s rock-solid body, how about Thermoslim Corpo Body Firmer by Sorisa?
And, finally, to get Cat Deeley’s perfect pins, give the Carole Franck Golden Body Lift Contouring Aroma Spa a try.
Alternatively, to achieve the same results at a fraction of the cost, we find liberal use of an airbrush does the trick.
‘
Winning Streak
‘NO-ONE knows better than the Queen how to deal with a streaker. She has, after all, come across a fair few in her 51-year reign.
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| Wimbledon dress code clearly states ‘predominantly white’ |
In 1994, a woman bared her breasts to the Queen at a rugby match at Twickenham; in 1996, two men stripped off in front of her at a polo event in Windsor Great Park; and last year a naked man with ‘Rude Britannia’ on his buttocks tried to gatecrash HRH’s Golden Jubilee celebrations in Newcastle.
So, when a teenager dropped his trousers in front of her at a royal garden party yesterday, the Queen didn’t miss a bite of her cucumber sandwich.
Fireman Dave Bearsall, who was chatting to her at the time, takes up the story in the Mail.
‘The Queen was just asking me how long I had been in the fire brigade and the kind of instances we deal with when the young man ran out,’ he said.
‘He had his trousers down. She looked up and said, ‘Oh dear’. She was facing him and saw exactly what happened.’
The streaker was rugby-tackled by a Beefeater in ceremonial dress before he could take his boxer shorts off – much to the delight of the crowd.
He was spoken to by the police, but not arrested – although the Express tries to spin the story as another Royal security blunder.
How exactly you stop someone from streaking other than by taking their clothes off them we don’t know…but the cops seem pretty relaxed about the whole incident.
‘Officers said they were treating the incident as a prank,’ the Mail says. ‘It was thought it may have originated from a bet with his brother.’
It is a view confirmed by teacher Alec Solomon, who said: ‘We saw his family afterwards. His brother was very red in the face.’
But then, like his mother, Prince William always did blush easily…
‘
Has She Fragrance?
‘JEFFREY Archer refrained from traditional tactics to draw attention to the appalling conditions in which he was kept in prison – the so-called ‘dirty protest’.
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| ‘She smells great ‘ – Archer’s first lie after his release |
But his wife Mary seems to have decided to launch her own dirty protest at her lying husband’s release.
The Mirror shows Mary emerging from her Grantchester home on Monday morning to welcome her husband home from prison, wearing a nicely ironed face and red sleeveless dress.
We next catch up with the 58-year-old scientist 24 hours later as she emerges from the Thames-side flat (‘where her husband used to entertain his mistresses’), her face still line-free but her red sleeveless dress looking a little worse for wear.
It was then off to Addenbrooke’s Hospital for a buffet lunch at which she rubbed sweaty shoulders with Camilla Parker Bowles, president of the National Osteoporosis Society.
And finally, 34 hours after it made its first public appearance, the red sleeveless dress disappeared behind doors for what we hope was a well-deserved rest.
As a judge (almost) said all those years ago: ‘Remember Mary Archer? Your vision of her in a red sleeveless dress probably will never disappear.
‘Has she elegance? Has she fragrance? Has she a change of clothes?’
‘
Flying The Flag
‘OKAY, here’s a question for you. Which of the following was Sir Robin Williams’ (of the Campaign For An Independent Britain) reaction to the news that Labour councillors have banned the flag of St George because it is seen as racist.
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| Setting the standard |
Was it a) ‘We have to respect the sensibilities of other ethnic groups’, b) ‘There’s no black on the flag of St George for a reason’ or was it c) ‘This is political correctness gone mad’?
While we leave you to work that one out (answer is in the Sun on Page 27), we move to the Express where we find the flag of St George flying proudly over the Greek island of Corfu.
And the poles from which the flag was flying belong to two male reps from infamous holiday company Club 18-30.
Hundreds of tourists at the resort of Kavos apparently watched as two female reps performed oral sex on the two aforementioned male colleagues on an official Club 18-30 stage.
‘A third rep soon joined in,’ says the paper, ‘with a man thought to be a holidaymaker as the couples were egged on by drunken, rowdy Brits.’
However, a local businessman was so disgusted by what he saw that he videotaped the whole thing and handed it to the police. The reps have since resigned and gone into hiding.
All of which is reported by the Express under the gender-specific headline: ‘Beach sex shame of Club 18-30 girl reps.’
Which, as Sir Robin Williams might say, is surely political incorrectness gone mad.
‘
He’s Back I
‘IN what it is describing as the ‘best travel offer ever’, the Express is offering its readers holidays for £9.50 and week-long breaks for just £19.
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| ‘I said I’d have to rebuild my life, not rebuild my wife’ |
But that is as nothing compared with the two-year holiday just enjoyed by Jeffrey Archer, novelist, charity fundraiser and bon viveur – all at the taxpayer’s expense.
It is something that no right-minded taxpayer would surely begrudge the 63-year-old peer – and, if reports in the Express are true, we may be asked to put our hands in our pockets again.
The paper claims that it took Archer only seven hours after leaving chokey to find himself on the wrong side of the law again.
However, as the offence was parking his car on a red line in south London, it is unlikely that another all-expenses-paid holiday is on the cards just yet.
The Sun, which has dubbed Archer ‘Lord Of The Lies’, says the perjurer also broke prison rules by identifying inmates and staff in his prison diaries, currently being serialised in the Mail.
‘But a prison service source said he would escape being recalled to jail,’ it adds.
If the Press were not exactly falling over themselves to welcome Prisoner No.FF8282 back into polite society, nor it seems was his wife Mary.
The Sun shows Archer puckering up to plant a smacker on his wife’s lips as they were reunited at their Grantchester home, only to have to settle for a peck on the cheek.
The paper says it shows a widening gulf between the couple, just as there was when Princess Diana turned her cheek to Prince Charles on their 1992 tour of India.
Or it could just be that, after her face-lift, Mary is no longer entirely sure which side of her face her lips are on…
‘
He’s Back II
‘NELL McAndrew has built something of a career on taking her top off, but she is nothing if not versatile and it was her bottom that was the talk of the town last night.
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| These days, Arnie has only partial recall |
She even managed to upstage the film’s stars, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kristianna Loken, at the London premiere of Terminator 3 as she paraded around in next to nothing.
Arnie, however, is considering a political career and wasn’t going to let any attention-seeking C-lister rain on his parade.
The Sun says the 55-year-old star embarked on a marathon walkabout, signing autographs for the 5,000 sci-fi lovers who had gathered in Leicester Square.
‘I’m back – and bigger than ever,’ he announced.
Bigger indeed – in the 12 years between Terminator films the former Mr Universe had piled on the pounds and had to go on a crash diet in order to fit into his famous leather jacket.
It is something another aspiring politician who has put on a bit of weight during his time out of the public eye might like to think about.
‘
Di Hard
‘WE will never know what would have happened with Princess Diana had she not been so cruelly taken from us almost six years ago.
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| Diana’s Marlon Brando impression always went down a treat |
But it is not impossible that she would have joined the likes of Nell McAndrew, Page 3 stunner Leilani and professional ligger Jodie Kidd at the T3 premiere.
But, in her case, as one of the film’s stars.
The Star says Kevin Costner had held secret talks with the princess about launching a Hollywood career, even offering to cast her in the lead role in the sequel to The Bodyguard.
‘She was considering it,’ he says, ‘but if you tell someone you can only make a movie because they’re going to be in it, how can you make it later if they can’t do it?’
At least, Diana would have had no worries about being shown up by Costner – his whole character was cut from the 1987 movie, The Big Chill. He played a corpse…
‘
Avenging Archer
‘GET out the bunting and unpack the stale sausage rolls that didn’t get eaten at last year’s Golden Jubilee street party – Jeffrey Archer is coming out of prison today.
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| Is he not fragrant? |
The noble lord, so unjustly imprisoned in 2001 for telling a little white lie about his relationship with a prostitute, has served two years of his four-year sentence for perjury.
He has been let out early for good behaviour – breaking the terms of his licence, smuggling prison diaries out of his cell, identifying fellow inmates and their crimes, butting another con’s boot with his groin…
But, while we all sing ‘For he’s a jolly rich fellow’ at the top of our voices, it would appear that not everyone is happy to see Jeff on the outside.
While the Mail serialises his new jail diary, the Express warns that the ‘crooked peer’ will today stroll out of jail ‘with a grin on his face – and revenge in his heart’.
The 63-year-old, it says, has set up a £4m war chest to launch a series of legal actions against the people he blames for his downfall, which surprisingly seems to include everyone but himself.
On the hit list are his former PA Angela Peppiatt, his former friend Ted Francis and former MP Emma Nicholson.
But yesterday Peter Beckwith, who employs Mrs Peppiatt at his educational trust, warned Archer away from his employee.
‘This is the sort of bullyboy tactics he has always employed,’ he told the Express. ‘People like to think he’s a likeable rogue, but he’s not. He’s a thug.’
Some people, however, can’t wait to be sipping Jeffrey’s Krug and scoffing his shepherd’s pie again.
Men like art dealer Chris Beetles, who said his friend was ‘a rare commodity’ who had so much energy ‘he should be plugged into the National Grid’.
Now there’s an idea…
‘
Holden Forth
‘WHEN Jeffrey Archer gets out of prison, he may be forgiven for thinking he has never been away.
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| ‘Can we fix it?’ |
For who do we see on the front page of all the red-tops but Amanda Holden…with Neil Morrissey.
The Mirror pictures the couple, who two and a half years ago had an affair which ultimately led to the break-up of the actress’ marriage, at the British Grand Prix ball.
The paper says Neil ‘gazed affectionately into her eyes as they recalled old times’ and they turned heads ‘as he held her close for a slow dance’.
But there was no sign of any romance.
A friend tells the paper: ‘They talked about their relationship and tied up some loose ends. It was closure for both.’
However, psychologist Cary Cooper tells the Sun that there is still chemistry between the couple.
‘Their expressions – particularly the eye contact – are the most telling factors,’ he says. ‘There’s also close physical contact. They seem engrossed in each other.’
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Cherry Picking
‘ANOTHER thing that hasn’t changed in the two years since Jeffrey Archer was so unfairly convicted is the fact that Big Brother inmate Cameron is still a virgin.
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| Bigger than Vanessa? |
At the age of 32, the Orkneys fish trader has never known love between a man and a woman – but all that may be about to change.
The Star says Jon and Scott have offered to take the Bible-basher to a raunchy strip joint to lose his cherry.
‘This could be the biggest event of the year,’ a pal tells the paper. ‘It’s like deflowering Mother Theresa.’
The very mention of Mother Theresa leads us nicely on to Jodie Marsh, whose cleavage fills the front page of the Star, and Jordan, whose cleavage fills the rest of the paper.
And today’s news in the on-going spat between the two glamour girls is that Jordan has recruited some heavyweight support to her camp in the blancmange-like shape of Vanessa Feltz.
‘Such is the phenomenon she masterminds,’ writes Ms Feltz, ‘that she is far, far bigger than the sum of her grotesquely distended parts.’
Kind words, Nessie – and we’re sure she’d say the same about you…
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Blonde Ambition
‘WE at Anorak applaud ambition – the kind of ambition that makes Tony Blair want to be President Of The Universe, that makes Jordan want to be the size of the universe and that makes Jodie Marsh want to be bigger than Jordan.
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| Jodie prepares to paint…the town red |
But there are always some people who will take it too far, people like Lynne Siddiq who commutes to work in Blackburn from her home in Marbella.
To work on the checkout at Asda.
The Sun says the mum-of-one’s three shifts a week don’t even cover the cost of the £80 taxi ride from Liverpool airport, let alone the air fares of up to £344 a time.
That means that she is on average £12.09 out of pocket for every hour she works.
‘My colleagues find it amazing – and some think I’m daft – but I’ve always enjoyed working for Asda,’ she says.
Not so Jodie Marsh, the Star’s favourite Essex girl, who has her sights set on higher things.
The 24-year-old former pole dancer ‘is not content with just being known for hitting the town in skimpy outfits,’ says the Star, but has her eyes fixed on making it as a TV star.
‘It’s coming together as we speak,’ she says (as she poses in a Stars & Stripes bikini). ‘I want to do something like Davina McCall and I loved Denise Van Outen on The Big Breakfast.
‘I’d be great on a new Challenge Anneka – because I’m very active.’
Before someone breaks the bad news to Jodie that she will never star in Challenge Anneka until her name is Anneka, the millionaire’s daughter has moved on to a music career.
‘I only want to do music if I could be like Ms Dynamite or Craig David and write all my own stuff,’ she says. ‘I see myself as the female Eminem.’
Tomorrow, Jodie turns her hand to painting (‘I see myself as the female Van Gogh’) and literature (‘I see myself as the female George Eliot’)…
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Brush With Fame
‘SUCH are her many and varied talents that Jodie Marsh is often described as the British Jennifer Lopez – at least in the grounds of her parents’ Brentwood mansion.
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| ‘Does my bum look small in this?’ |
But whereas J-Mo is happy to show off her natural assets to all and sundry, J-Lo needs the help of an artist’s brush.
The Sun takes one look at the poster of the big-arsed star gazing lovingly into the eyes of co-star and real-life fiance Ben Affleck for their latest movie – Gigli – and smells not just a turkey, but something fishy.
And an insider at Columbia Studios is happy to confirm that its suspicions are right.
The picture has been airbrushed to make J-Lo’s bum look smaller and her breasts bigger.
‘They also took off some of the detail on Jennifer’s shirt to show off her bra underneath,’ the insider says, ‘and her hair was altered to look fuller and straighter.’
Movie-goers might wish that the same trouble had been taken with the film itself, which has been generously described by reviewers as ‘the worst film ever’.
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Hell Hath No Fury
‘PREPARE for one of the kiss-and-tell sensations of the year – Gary Fidler is threatening to sell his side of the story.
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| Who said money can’t buy love? |
‘I’m talking about a lot of money too,’ says the 25-year-old factory worker – and it is true that sums of up to £10 have been mentioned.
Gary, in case you’ve forgotten, is the boyfriend of 16-year-old lottery winner Callie Rogers. Or rather he was – until she dumped him and jetted off on holiday.
At the time, Gary protested that he wasn’t interested in Callie’s money and denied claims that he had been cheating on her with a former girlfriend.
‘I felt I had won the lottery when I met her two months ago,’ he said then. ‘She can burn the money as far as I’m concerned, I don’t want to see a penny of it.’
Now it seems he does want to see a penny of it – in fact, he wants to see quite a few pennies of it.
‘The money’s gone to her head,’ he tells this morning’s Mirror.
‘She forced me to give up my job and turned around and said that she’d give me two months wages. She’s given me nothing.’
Which isn’t strictly true – she’s given him the elbow.
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