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Tabloids | Anorak - Part 30

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Home Shopping: Posh And Becks Take On eBay Thieves

“BECKHAMS BETRAYED,” says the Mirror.

“Posh agony at ‘intimate’ items sold on eBay.

We feel her pain. You don’t put in the hard yards building the brand for someone else to cash in on your husband’s name.

News is that Beckhams’ housekeepers have been arrested on suspicion of stealing from the couple. As if Her Pohsness does not have enough to do looking after three kids and a mansion, she has to take care of a middle-aged couple.

What a gal!

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Posted: 14th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)


The Britton Bounce: Fern’s Gastric Band Aid

CRITICS are calling it the Fern Britton Bounce.

On the day that Gordon Brown “SAVES THE WORLD” (The Daily Brown Nose, formerly Daily Mirror), the Express leads with news that Fern Britton has dropped five dresses sizes.

Back in the days of yore (yesterday) times were hard. Fern was living in austerity Britain, and for the best part of 24 hours the TV hostess with the mostess feared she would feel the pinch – on her hips, bust, tummy and thighs.

Anorak’s typing pool was ready to step in with “Gastric band Aid”, when we would stand outside British Homes Stores in the precinct and sing our hearts out for Fern.

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Posted: 14th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Brown Declares Jihad On Bankers

“BLOODBATH OF THE BANKERS,” screams the Mirror’s front-page screamer.

Gordon Brown is “determined heads must roll”.

Rejoice, Routledge, Rejoice!

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Posted: 13th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (20)


The World According To Daily Mail Readers

A DAILY Mail reader explains the cutent economic downturn:

Britain has been wecked by the Marxist persons within government and local Councils INCLUDING the NHS. Marxist want to rule every moment of the citizenrys life,craddle to grave. That way the Marxist will always be in power and have a “brainwashed” society. This to my mind is proven by the “unhealthy” interest in Soccer, loosely akin to the ancient antics of ROME.

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Posted: 12th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (5)


The Candy Woman Can: Amy Winehouse Rots Your Teeth

TO the celebrity fairground, where Amy Winehouse is working the candy floss mixer.

The blend of refined sugar and food dyes might be enough to get a toddler off his face, but adults need more oopmf to get on a decent buzz.

While juice is the alcopop starter beverage, candy floss was only ever a kindergarten E. Until now.

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Posted: 12th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (14)


Credit Crunch: Anthea Turner Is Back

ON a brighter note…

Anthea Turner’s husband Grant Bovey loses buy-to-let empire in credit crunch

…Anthea Turner’s back in the Daily Mail…

Anorak Lexicon:

Bovey: An orangey-brown colour.
That meat looks off. It’s gone a horrible bovey colour.

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Posted: 12th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Britney Spears In Paint Job Horror Ding

BREAKING Britney Spears news in the NOTW. Britney is shopping in a shop. Now read on…

The Womanizer star’s driver got caught up in a bumper bashing episode while the singer was shopping in West Hollywood. You can see the incident on our weekly round-up of the hottest news from Hollywood.

Other news:

Angelina Jolie housekeeper road tests new apron
Jennifer Aniston still not pregnant
Pickled Amy Winehouse sold by the jar
Lily Allen’s Tobacconist lights match…

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Posted: 12th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Stalking Barry George’s Bottom

BARRY George has been cleared of killing Jill Dando. But the News of the World is keeping tabs on the man, stalking him, even.

In “Barry George in sex-pest clash on woman’s doorstep”, readers look on and see George asking a woman out; having his advances rejected; dodging a headbutt from the aforesaid woman’s son.

And just last week we revealed how he tried to get into a TV studio to see Sky News presenter Kay Burley, 46— who was then offered extra security.

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Posted: 12th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Madeleine McCann: Investigators Wanted, Benchmarks Of Pain And McFly

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MAIL: “£50,000 monthly expenses bill for McCann’s private eyes”

A scoop. It’s months old. But it’s still a scoop, right? Metodo 3 are on the job…

The private investigators hired to find Madeleine McCann were embroiled in fresh controversy last night as it was revealed they claimed nearly £50,000 in expenses for one month’s work.

… expensive

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Posted: 12th, October 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (92)


Credit Crunch: Too Poor To Die

CREDIT Crunch news of the day: eat the dead…

“BODIES OF THE DEAD NOT BEING BURIED” – Daily Mail

Some are being burnt. Other are being buried at sea. Leglstive bodies walk zombie-like into the night…

Posted: 12th, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comment


Guardian Follows Daily Express And Tips IceSave

ICESAVE is dead. Britain is at war with Iceland. And the Guardain is scoring points on the Express, its pet target:

GUARDIAN – Hugh Muir:

“If you are lucky enough to have some spare money, now could be the time to cash in,” said the ever-informative Daily Express, addressing the credit crunch yesterday. “Icelandic bank Icesave pays 7.06% on £1,000 or more on its one-year bond.” Yeah, right – October 8, 2008

GUARDIAN:

Ten of the best … savings accounts
An unexpected bonus from the financial crisis is banks raising their savings rates to attract customer cash. Harvey Jones picks a selection of the best buys on offer

Hear ye, hear ye… Any idea what’s No.1?

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Posted: 11th, October 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Money, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Police Log: Facing The Rap With Classic Jon Gaunt

ANDREW Vactor is facing a $150 fine for playing rap music too loudly on his car stereo.

Champaign County Municipal Court Judge Susan Fornof-Lippencott offers to reduce the fine to $35 if Vactor spends 20 hours listening to classical music.

Vactor agrees. He lasts15 minutes.

Over in the Sun, Jon Gaunty Gaunt ogles “forces favourite” Katherine Jenkins:

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Posted: 10th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (3)


X Factor In Sex Change Shocker

HERE’S Austin Drage, X Factor finalist, doing his cover version of Bucks Fizz’s Makin’ Your Mind Up.

And if we wanna see some more… “No!” comes the cry. Get him off. But it’s too late. Alex whips off his Comfi-Slax to reveal a perfect ‘V’ that would shame the Red Arrows.

“I looked quite good as a woman,” says Austin, who is pictured rubbing his hairless chin.

This is “X FACTOR STAR SEX CHANGE SECRET”. It’s front-page news.

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Posted: 10th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Chanelle Hayes’ Phone Sex Alternative

CHANELLE Hayes is showing Daily Star readers her backside.

These are Chanelle’s “Cheeky ways to enjoy the credit crunch”.

For just 35p, Star readers can hang up on those expensive phone sex chat lines and just stare at Chanelle while listening to a free CD of Thora Hird reciting the alphabet.

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Posted: 10th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Madeleine McCann For Hire: Games, Books And Art

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

PR with Madeleine McCann. Recently Madeleine has been selling video games…

EUROGAMER: “Bungie has said a character called Maddie could “potentially” feature in the new Halo 3 expansion pack – but confirmed there’s no connection with missing five year-old Madeleine McCann.”

Controversy kicked off last month after a trailer for what’s now known to be Halo 3 Recon featured the message, “Maddie, where are you?”

Complete coincidence. A new series of Car 54 Where Are You? is to be called Maddie’s Car 54 Where Are You? Really…

Speaking to Eurogamer at the Tokyo Game Show, Bungie writer Luke Smith described the incident as an “unfortunate coincidence”, adding, “Because of that coincidence, we’ve pulled that slide.”

PRESS RELEASE: “Writer raises concern about motherhood of modern women”

Recently Madeleine has been selling books…

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Posted: 10th, October 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (171)


Armageddon On Hold As Blue Collars Take Over

ARMAGEDDON is on hold.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse (Short Sellers; Bradford, Bingley, Daryl Lehman) are staved off with the promise of cash. It’s a bribe, and – who knew? – but the forces of man’s destruction are open to cash offers.

Still, the Times asks its readers: “Is this the safest place to put your money?” There picture is of a man pushing a large box cardboard out of book shop. The box is on trolley. The man is in shirt and Comfi-Slax.

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Posted: 9th, October 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Money, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Lily Cole Tries To Contact Gary Glitter

THE Daily Mail is wondering how it can republish that shot of Lily Cole dressed as schoolgirl and give readers another chance to cut it out and keep it as a sign of the sick times in which we live.

Allison Pearson steps into the breach:

The 20-year-old – who with her lanky frame and stunnedcod face looks like a mermaid put through a mangle – agreed to be photographed in pigtails, long white schoolgirl socks and with a pink teddy parked up her Henri Matisse. Factor in the translucent skin and cute snub nose, and Lily looks at least 12.

At leasts. Maybe, 19, or 20…

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Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Lily Allen Walks Up Steps

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Up The Wooden Hill

The Smile singer, 23, successfully made it up a flight of stone steps to reach the launch of of London’s trendy new Saatchie gallery in her Louis Vuitton shoes” – Amy Watts & Charli Morgan, Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Victoria Beckham Rubs Bird Poo On Her Face

THE Daily Star bring news that Victoria Beckham has taken to rubbing bird poo on her face.

The paper tells its readers peering up at a tree of nesting rooks that the “geisha face mask” has been used for centuries by Japanese women who, we must assume, could not afford more expensive treatments.

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Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (15)


Lily Allen Stands Near A Man

LILY Allen News Of The Day: I stood near a man.

“It’s good to see this tall, dark, handsome stranger is putting some sunshine back into Lily Allen’s life… And that’s something for all of us to smile about” – Gordon Smart, The Sun

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


American Diplomats Learn Nil By South

MOVE the American embassy south of the river? There by dragons down there. Says Andrew Gilligan in the Evening Standard:

The US Embassy’s planned move to a high-security site at Nine Elms will have important consequences. Without chi-chi restaurants for entertaining contacts nearby, the diplomats’ expense bills will collapse.

The credit lunch in Peckham’s leading McDonald’s eatery. Home from home. Is that gun fire?

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Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Jade Goody Wishes Osama Bin Laden Well

THOSE planning fro the death of Jade Goody should know that she is planning her funeral.

Nothing should explain her as much as her passing and, as the Sun notes, Jade wants:

“I want people to cry over me!”

Over in the Mirror, and Jayde says:

“There are people out there who think I deserve to be sick and to die, but I’d never wish this on anyone, not even Bin Laden, not that he has a womb.”

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Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)


Liverpool Teaches Rest Of UK How To Dodge Paying Rent

TO Liverpool, where signs advertising “rent dodger lives here” are going up outside homes.

Neil Heffey, of estate agent Sutton Estates, based in Anfield, tells the Liverpool Daily Post:

“They can avoid us, but not their neighbours. Now, every time they walk in and out of their door, the neighbours will be laughing at them.”

Has Mr Heffey not read the tabloid press? This is Liverpool, and the neighbours will indeed be laughing as they pop over the road and while perusing catalogues for shell suits and eating baked bean sarnies bone up on rent dodging.

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Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Omar Bakri Swaps Wife For Stunna

HURRAH for Omar Bakri father of breasts pneumatic and dancer of lap.

Today Omar Bakri – The War On Terror’s Peter Stringfellow” – takes a bride a year younger than his poletastic daughter Yasmin.

Out goes Hanah, 48, and in comes a “beauty” called Ruba, 26.

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Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Tabloid Bingo As The Money Markets Fall

THOSE stock market figures in full:

DAILY STAR: “£60bn wiped off British stock market.”

THE SUN: “£93BN MELTDOWN”

DAILY MAIL: “By the end of trading, nearly £95billion had been wiped off he value of the FTSE”

And rising…

Posted: 7th, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (3)