Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 30

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

High Times In Class C As Pupil Gives Teacher Hash Cakes

HIGH times at Class C, at Wortley High School in Leeds, West Yorks, where a 15-year-old has been expelled after, allegedly, giving hash cakes to two teaching assistants.

Says the Sun:

The members of staff fell violently ill with dizziness and severe headaches hours after tucking into treats the teenager made at home.

It was cannabis. Well, “probably”. The Sun says the cakes have not been tested.

The student would seem to have right to appeal, and should we not applaud her home economics skills. She did not buy the hash cakes ready made but produced them self from scratch, and all natural ingredients.

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Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (16) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Lily Allen Stands On Her Feet

LILY Allen news of the day:

“LILY Allen, 23, looks more like a rain-soaked refugee than chart-humping singer as she stands outside a club in London” – Goss, Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


How The Media Treats Australian Backpacker Britt Lapthorne

The frantic family and friends of missing Australian backpacker Britt Lapthorne are appealing for help to trace her.

Anorak picked up on the story of the 21-year-old Melbourne woman who has been missing since September 18 after she visited a night club in Dubrovnik, Croatia, and seems to be among the first of the UK media to do so.

Britt, above, had been staying at a backpacker hostel and police failed to react quickly to a fellow backpacker’s anxious inquiries about her the following day. It was several days before her family were informed and her brother, Darren, and father, Dale, are now in Croatia and urging police to do more.

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Posted: 5th, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (15) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Show And Tell: Bill Henson In The Playground

“PREMIER John Brumby has demanded an investigation into how controversial artist Bill Henson was allowed to visit a Victorian primary school to find young models.”

To Australia…

Mr Brumby has ordered an urgent inquiry into how Henson was allowed to tour the Melbourne school to look for boys and girls for his artwork, which often features children in various states of undress and nudity.

To the changing rooms…

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Posted: 5th, October 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Waking Up With Craig Meehan And Peado Spotting With The People

THE story so far: former upermarket fishmonger, Ken Morley look-alike, one time live-in male role model to Shannon Matthews and look alike Craig Meehan is found to be in possession of illegal images. He serves time in jail. He is then released. Now read on…

THE PEOPLE: “Shannon stepdad tries to lure girl to his house.”

EXCLUSIVE Inside the twisted world of kidnap Shannon’s pervert stepdad Craig Meehan He sends dirty txts & lures girl to house WITHOUT telling police.. Brags he’ll be ONLINE within days – Boasts he should be on Big Brother – Spends days on his Xbox, swigging lager and cuddling kitten at taxpayers’ expense…

A kitten… For shame! Joshua Layton And Jessica Boulton investigate…

The shameless stepdad of kidnap case girl Shannon Matthews has secretly tried to lure a pretty girl into his safe house for a sex tryst.

Shameless. Yeah, like the TV show. This is news reporting for anyone who thinks Shameless is a documentary and Craig Meehan an extra on it. Do you have trouble seperating fact from fiction?

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Posted: 5th, October 2008 | In: Politicians, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (18) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Lily Allen’s Argos

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s Mail Order Jewels…

Showing money really doesn’t buy you class, Lily Allen’s been spotted shopping in her local Argos – Daily Mirror

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

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Posted: 4th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madeleine McCann: Paedos From Lamp-Posts, Hating Fiona Philips And JonBenet Ramsey

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

QUEENSFERRY GAZETTE (Scotland): “We’ve been ad”

A CONCERNED mum has spoken out about the potential hazards posed by new outdoor advertising boards. Janette Sheppard is also worried that other parents may think the boards are simply lamp-posts.

Lamp-posts, for paedos to hide behind… Like those (G)litter bins

She said: “These have just sprung up – one is outside my son’s primary school. At first glance it would be easy to mistake them for lamp-posts, but they are actually advertising boards.”

The wonders of modern technology. Who would have thunk it. Go on…

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Posted: 4th, October 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (293) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Family Business: The Difficulty Of Being Peaches Geldof

WHO the hell is Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof, Pitt The Younger Algernon Winstona Disraeli Goo-Foo Trevor Benjamin Mandela Puff?

Or to put it another way: who is her dad?

Peaches is blessed with all the cool of a wasabi enema. She is everything any genuine teenage rebels abhors and avoids being.

Being Peaches cannot be easy. As Anorak has said, being Peaches is like turning up at swingers’ party to find your mum handing out the towels. She just has to make the best of her lot.

And dad Bob Geldof wants the best for his kids; all sane parents do. So Peaches decides on a career as a professional Geldof, and is encouraged. As such, she has little to do. She is a member of the elusive club of children of the rich and successful. She can just be.

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


How To Get Ahead In Journalism, By Rachel Royce

BUDDING hackettes should know that one way to snare a column is to date a columnist and then: a) have him leave you; b) leave him.

You will then be on the path to byline fame, and – who knows – maybe even a spot on Loose Women.

Rachel Royce has taken our advice to heart, and having found herself separated from Rod Liddle, rubs her chin and..:

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Sir Ian Blair Knifed

“STOP KNIVES, SAVE LIVES,” says the Mirror, which also reports on the parting of Sir Ian Blair. Was he pushed, or did he fall down the stairs?

Sir Ian Blair is deposed as “Britain’s top cop (all papers) and how does the Mirror, annonce the departure?

“PLOD OFF. Knifed by Boris…”

Police are looking for Boris, an IC3 male who went that way…

(Image: Beau Bo D’Or)

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Muslim Fundamentalists Promise To Destroy EastEnders Omnibus

ANORAK has found it hard to admire Muslim fundamentalists. But this might be about to changes the Star thunders:

“MUSLIM THREAT TO BLOW UP EASTENDERS”

Might the front-page screamer read:

“MUSLIM LICENSE FEE PAYERS THREATEN TO BLOW UP EASTENDERS”?

It’s Ian Beale, right. His plans for Square domination are the hallmarks of the Jew. First the café, then the fish ‘n’ chops shop, and when he has the world food supplies in his thrall, he comes for the little children…

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Abusing Russell Brand: Jon Gaunt Doesn’t Read The Sun

RUSSELL Brand makes a crass joke about rape.

COMIC RUSSELL BRAND was condemned by rape charities yesterday after he rang a sex attack hotline during a gig.

“Amusing,” says the Sun sub-header.

Brand later apologised, saying: “I am devastated by the possibility I may have offended vulnerable people” – Sun – July 16, 2008

Then:

Come on Russell, prove you’re a real man and apologise to the women anjd their families who you gravely insulted – Jon Gaunt, Sun October 3, 2008

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


A Free Knife With Every Hoodie

THERE’S a great twofor deal at TK Maxs: shoppers can buy a hoodie and get a free knife stitched into the lining.

The Sun gives its front page over to the news that: “T.K Maxx sell jackets with knives sewn in.”

For just £59 shoppers can buy a jacket that doubles as an urban survival aide. Says one kebab shop regular:

“It’s great. If the boffins can put an optic of curry sauce in the zip, it will be greatest invention since the chainsaw.”

Inside and in “FOOL METAL JACKET,” the Sun shows a youth in school tie done up to the neck and clean blue jumper pulling the knife from his coat’s lining.

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Geri Halliwell’s Ugenia Lavander Cleans Up

GERI Halliwell has been named “the most successful celebrity author of the year”.

In five months she has sold 250,000 of her Ugenia Lavender stories, the tales of a female hygiene product as it wends its way from an Indian farm collective to a landfill site in the East Midlands.
Says Geri:

“I’m so happy that everyone loves Ugenia as much as I do.”

Indeed, sick of reading the side of perfume bottles and cans of mace as he irrigates his colon, Old Mr Anorak says the Ugenia Lavender product is far more stimulating, although the hard cover version can chafe…

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


That Britney Spears Ghalib Sex Tape In Full

READERS may recall the news of the sex tape that Brummie Adnan Ghalib is said to be flogging. Says the former confident of Ms Britney Spears:

“There is no sex tape. I’m extremely upset and taking legal action”.

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


It Was The Sun Wot Done The Economy

A RUN on UK banks in the Sun:

“FEARS rose last night that millions of pounds could be sucked out of the UK as Brits switch their savings to Irish banks to dodge the financial crisis” – Sun

“But there are still safe places to go. The Post Office, for example, offers several savings accounts run by Bank of Ireland” – Ian King, Sun Business editor

Fear is what Tabloids do best…

Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Ah, Sol: Homophobic Tabloids Rally Round Sol Campbell

FOOTBALLER Sol Campbell has been the victim of homophobic chants.

The Daily Star makes it its business to expose such things, even repeating one ditty, as sung by fans of Spurs, for whom Campbell used to play before his defection to local rivals Arsenal:

“Sol, Sol, where ever you may be. You’re on the verge of lunacy. And we don’t give a f*** if you’re hanging from a tree. You Judas c*** with HIV.”

The Star is appalled and screams: “GAY FOOTIE FANS RIGHT BEHIND SOL”.

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (15) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


How The Tabloid Press Demonises Polish Immigrants

“POLES are dumping kids here,” screams the Star. “Brutal parents flee UK”.

“Hundreds of battered Polish children are being abandoned in Britain by abusive parents.”

Hundreds become “dozens”, as readers read on:

“Polish embassy staff have personally intervened in at least 10 ‘child at risk’ cases this year alone…”

Becomes ten…

Image: Smak is the staple diet of Poles

Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (12) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Prelude To Paedophilia: Tea With The Queen Mum

PAEDOPHILIA is an evil, abhorrent sickness. And Paul Kidd is said to have run a “paedophile ring while serving the Royal Family”.

The Star has the news, and possibly the greatest tabloid line of all time:

“Bachelor Paul Kidd, 55, groomed at least one victim for sex by talking him for tea with the Queen Mum.”

The QM is no longer around to defend herself, having been used for kindling some years back. But even so…

Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (9) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Basic I Stink: Sharon Stone’s Snorts Son’s Feet

SHARON Stone has been refused custody of her adopted son Roan “because she wanted to inject his feet with BOTOX to stop them smelling”.

Roan Stone. It’s the Express’s front-page news.

Better perhaps to inject her face with Botox and fill the only remaining cracks chiefly those just above her top lip.

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Shoes For Hats: Daily Mirror Hack’s Zany Wikiepdia Cheat

THE Mirror’s David Anderson writes from Nicosia of Manchester City’s UEFA Cup match with Omonia Nicosia.

Despite City’s raised profile, they must make do with the UEFA Cup this season and Hughes will not tolerate any slip-ups against the Cypriot side, whose fans are known as the ‘Zany Ones’ and wear hats made from shoes.

Well, that’s what is says on the Wikipedia page for Omonia Nicosia, as updated by “godspants”, a web wag, and slavishly borrowed by Anderson as he does his, er, research…

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Arguido And Halo: Learning To Speak Madeleine McCann

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MAIL: “Nomophobic, stagflation, funt… and even cripes: Some of the 100 or so ‘Words of the Year’”

This is the year of the credit crunch, the nonebrity and glamping. 2008 has given the English language more than 100 new words and phrases which capture modern life, according to experts.

Or Nodding Heads, as Anorak calls them. Go on:

The list compiled by dictionary expert Susie Dent … the nonebrity form TV’s Countdown

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (206) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Allison Pearson: The Sword, The Money Or The Poison Pen

ALLISON Pearson, of the Daily Mail, is still talking about those City “spivs” and how they are, well, just so worthless:

Throughout the boom years, the bankers justified their stellar incomes by saying they were working heroic hours to help bring greater prosperity to us all. Oh, really? Try telling that to a soldier who has spent 180 days dodging mortars in Helmand and dreamt of nothing more than enjoying a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken in front of the TV with the family he adores.

Most bankers never have to justify their incomes, wages being a matter of market rates. And do not soldiers dream of owning islands, flying first class and watching their football team play on a massive plasma screen? Do bankers eat KFC?

Still:

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


A Tabloid Masterclass, With Steve Dunleavy

STEVE Dunleavy is a journalist we can admire. Here’s his tabloid masterclass:

1.

More…

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Harrowing Stuff: Knife Crime Ravages Yorkshire Village

KNIFE crime is not the preserve of the city or market town kebab shop.

It is everywhere. It is rife. To a barn in Yorkshire we journey where the everyday story of country folk features a young farmer impaled on a blade.

Harrowing scenes as Andy Sugden, of Emmerdale, is impaled on an iron harrow. His wife leaves him to die.

“How times have changed,” says Jane Moore in the Sun, recalling the days of home-cooked farm fayre, when a young famer would kill himself with a shotgun and the kids sold Es from the rave barn.

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (12) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0