Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 30

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Back To Celebrity School With Peaches Geldof

THE headline “PEACHES: SPEND NIGHT WITH ME FOR £5K,” may bring readers to the conclusion that desperate Peaches Geldof is working as a good time girl.

It turns out that Peaches is being paid to attend “A list parties”.

So says the Star. But Anorak wonders if an A-list party needs a D-list starlet? And if the A-list party treasury committee have heard of the EU Celebrity Mountain and that you can hire a jobbing celeb for the whiff of a flashbulb and a pint of creme de menthe.

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Chanelle Hayes Exposes Omar Bakri’s Plot For Jihad In The Pole Dancing Club

DAYS on from news that mad mullah Omar Bakri paid for his daughter’s boob job and the plan to bring jihad to the country’s gentlemen’s clubs is curtailed.

The Star brings the front-page news that Chanelle Hayes will NOT be having her chest enlarged.

The Big Brother strumpet has made her decision in response to a Star reader’s poll. Tough on the War On Terror, and as patriotic as the next scaffolder, Star readers are turning their backs on artificial breasts, staring Islamofascism in the chest and saying “No”.

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Paul Newman Is Dead But There Are Icons Aplenty

PAUL Newman is dead. And the Daily Express’s Robert Gore-Langton asks: “WHERE HAVE ALL THE ICONS GONE?”

A trawl through the paper’s website reveals that they have gone into the huge file maked “Icon”:

Tonight sees the 90th birthday celebrations of one of the world’s most iconic and influential figures – Nelson Mandela.

SHE is the undisputed fashion icon of her generation – Kate Moss

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madeleine McCann: Our Danny Baldwin And Using Maddie For PR

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

NEW ZEALAND HERALD: “TV Review: Out of the treacle comes trouble for everyone”

If anyone has wondered whatever happened to Coro’s cheeky cockney Danny Baldwin (Bradley Walsh), who went missing from the soap not long ago, here he is…

Where’s Our Danny?

“…playing a cheeky cockney in the missing-child drama Torn, which started on TV One last night.”

Any good?

When Torn screened in Britain a year ago, there was some debate over its merits because of the Madeleine McCann case.

With or without Our Maddie, it was dire… “it was like wading through treacle… Or like running up and down a beach in thick sand.”

PC WORLD (online): “Bungie accused of using Madeleine McCann case to promote Halo – ‘Maddie, where are you?’”

PC World… Isn’t that where Gary Glitter took his hard drive to?

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (112) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Nigel Lawson’s Law: All Fat Peopel Want To Look Rich

NIGELLA Lawson would like to tell Mail readers about her husband Charles Saatchi’s “nine eggs a day diet.”

In an exclusive interview with The Mail on Sunday’s You magazine today, 48-year-old Ms Lawson says her husband’s ‘completely mad eggs, eggs and more eggs diet’ now means that he is thinner than her.

Anorak recalls how former chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson, the masculine singular root of Nigella, also lost a shed load of weight.

It seems odd that the two males most associated with Nigella both now resemble the Christmas turkey that got away.

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Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Paul Routledge Can Rejoice As Credit Crunch Banker Tops Himself

“CREDIT CRUNCH BANKER KILLS HIMSELF,” screams the Daily Mail’s front-page headline.

Kirk Stephenson, who was married with an eight-year-old son, died in the path of a 100mph express train at Taplow railway station, Berkshire. Mr Stephenson is believed to have taken his own life after succumbing to mounting personal pressures as the world’s financial markets went into meltdown.

Believed by whom, is not said. But at least one man is happy: Paul Routledge can rejoice:

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Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (9) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Prince Edward Finds Work On Queen’s New Jet

ONE day on from the Daily Star’s shocker:

“The Queen is skint and will run out of cash in just three years time..The news follows Playboy boss Hugh Hefner laying off his bunnies”

And the Sun leads with:

“AIR FORCE ONE – Queen to buy £7milion private jet – Her Majesty, who currently shares the use of VIP flights with Government ministers and military chiefs, has taken a close personal interest in the new jet’s design.”

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Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Daily Mail, Daily Wail: Drinking Cat Piss

THE Daily Mail searches horro stories, medical reports and research notes for news, and finally its quest bears dividends:

Wine taste funny? It may contain cat litter… Malcolm Gluck reveals the unpalatable truth about the wine industry

Although licking the litter tray is all the rage in France…

Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (18) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Jade Goody Wants Daily Mirror Readers To Tell The Kids

“HOW DO I TELL THE KIDS?” asks Jade Goody on the Mirror’s foremost news page.

Jade speaks not only of all the world’s children, but specifically of her own. Jade wants to know how to tell her children she has cancer. And the Mirror wants its readers to help.

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Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madeleine McCann: In Majorca Like What She Not Oughta

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MAIL: “Police search for Madeleine McCann in Majorca after British couple report ‘sighting’ on beach”

Not in Malta? Not in Morocco. Sticking with the “Ms”, we journey to Majorca…

Police in Spain were tonight searching the holiday island of Majorca for Madeleine McCann after a British couple claimed to have seen her on a beach.

But they said nothing?

Detectives were scouring hotels and holiday apartments for two dark-haired women seen with a young blonde girl matching Madeleine’s description.

Darkies? Darkies! Curses!

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (245) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Daily Mail On Cheap And Lazy Rehashes

SAYS RICHARD Littlejohn in The Daily Mail:

And finally, ITV says it will have to drop local news bulletins. It can’t afford its ‘public service’ commitments. Frankly, regional news on both BBC and ITV is a disgrace – consisting of on-the-cheap, lazy rehashes of stories nicked out of the newspapers…

Whereas the Daily Mail creates cheap and lazy rehashes of stories from foreign newspapers and the telly. In today’s organ:

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Eye-Eye: Madeleine McCann, Robert Murat And Gordon Brown In The Frames

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

INVERNESS COURIER: “Media is write stuff for latest Burn tale”

Caroline Flynn is at the Inverness Book Festival. And “Gordon Burn has assembled a cast of familiar faces for his latest — and perhaps final — novel.”

His last novel. Well, it will be hard to top…

Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Madeline McCann [sic] and John Smeaton all feature in a book set in the busy summer of 2007. But it is not the characters or the plot which form the core of “Born Yesterday”.

Sounds great. God. Politics. Maddie. Terror. Go on:

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (45) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Lily Allen Wears A Necklace

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s Uzi Scuzi

Singer Lily Allen scored more than a fashion own goal, when she was seen wearing a gold necklace with an Uzi machine gun pendant hanging from it Daily Mail

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (17) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Rosie Fingered Dawn Of Soapy Porn

“And over on ITV, Corrie turns more tawdry than ever,” says the Daily Mail, a fact illustrated by picture of Corrie’s 18-year-old slapper Rosie Webster in her bustier.

It is not the first time Coronation Street has gone for a shock effect using the Rosie Webster character. She was just 17 when scriptwriters cast her last year as a Lolita-style seductress having a sordid affair with her tutor.

How old was he, then? Just for, er, interest’s sake?

Mail readers clack their marmalade-coated tongues and fire off a foamy email:

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Journalism Is Dead In Melbourne

VIA Tim Blair, news from Melbourne:

Journalism skills are hardly rocket science and can be acquired with experience and a little training,” writes Antony Loewenstein in Melbourne’s Age. Being deficient in both areas, the paper spells his name as “Lowenstein”.

Beyond parody…

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


UK Is A Vegetative State

CREDIT Crunch news of the day: A turnip for the books…

“The humble turnip is helping crash-strapped UK families take the credit crunch out of the credit crisis”- Sun

Ours is a vegetative state…

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Headline Of The Day: Car Not Stolen In Liverpool

LIVERPOOL cannot forgive the Sun. The paper’s coverage of the 1989 Hillsborough football stadium disaster in Sheffield, where 96 people died and hundreds were injured, followed the headline: “THE TRUTH”.

The paper said fans had picked the pockets of crushed victims, that others urinated on members of the emergency services as they tried to help. They had assaulted a Police Constable “whilst he was administering the kiss of life to a patient” (19 April 1989).

Now it says:

“Man united legends’ car NOT nicked in Liverpool”

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Spice Girl Mel B Auctions Off Her Former Selves

“I HOPE that people have fun bidding for piece of me,” says Mel C, the former Spice Girl and Carol Jackson acolyte.

Old Mr Anorak has always quote fancied Mel’s left bosom as a novelty soap dispenser.

And he and you can bid for that and more. Also up for sale is “the designer frock she wore when she met Nelson Mandela.”

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Cheryl Cole Can More Than She’s Cried

“I CAN’T CRY ANY MORE THAN I’VE CRIED,” says Cheryl Cole in OK! magazine.

“SOBBING CHERYL’S AXE FACTOR,” announces the Star’s cover page. “She’s told: Stop all that snivelling or you’re out.”

Cheryl can cry when teh job demands it.

As a judge on the X Factor talent show, Cheryl and has correctly realised that the point of the thing is to reveal the judges to be caring, sensitive, talented people who can cry as some sad sack with adult acne/ a poorly mum/ starving brown bay-bies sings a version of a Bette Midler song.

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Amy Winehouse Is Sick On Harvey Nichols

HARVEY Nichols loaned Amy Winehouse £25,000-worth of clothes. And the store got it all back. As the Mirror notes:

“She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. She eventually couriered them back on Monday, but didn’t wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes.”

“Even worse, green, furry mould had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable. The store has now asked for its £25k back.”

Of course, this might be the start of a new fashion. Ashley Cole has been notified….

Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


McCartney Plays Israel And The Super Furry Animals Die

PAUL McCartney is to play Israel, and the suicide bomber will try to hit a moving target as Macca’s head wobbles this way and that.

“We have worked it out,” says the Indy’s front page

All you need is 5,000 bodyguards – £1.5million security blitz to protect Macca from security threats,” says the Mirror, in words that Yasser Arafat look-alike Ringo Starr would put to music.

But what if… what if Macca is killed?

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Javine Hylton Summons The Celebrity Police Force

JAVINE HYLTON has been arrested by the Celebrity Police Force, reports the Sun.

Javine was arrested after, allegedly, “leaving a foul-mouthed voicemail for her ex-manager”.

Readers may believe that obscene phone calls are Javine’s new work, her singing career having hit the skids since the halcyon days of failing to get a place in Girls Aloud and flashing a nipple (hers) on Eurovision.

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


On The Sofa With Jordan’s Off-Cuts

CHANTELLE Houghton is a Big Brother housemate emeritus.

And now the Big Brother fanzine known as the Daily Star brings front-page news: “MY MARRIAGE WAS A BIG BROTHER FAKE.”

Chantelle, a woman comprised of Jordan’s rendered off-cuts – bits of Jordan are pressed together and piled onto Chanelle in the manner of chicken fillets onto a shish kebab – is on the telly with Piers Morgan in his show The Dark Side Of Fame.

Says she:

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madeleine McCann Not A Victim Of The Credit Crunch

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

STOCKPORT EXPRESS: “WHAT Credit crunch”

Can the credit crunch be linked to Madeleine McCann? It’s been tried before.

DESPITE the credit crunch, one or two businessmen and woman are doing well enough to make it onto Stockport’s rich list, according to a recent publication.

Stockport’s rich list is required reading in the area’s golf clubs and jails…

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (242) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


At Home With Gordon Brown And His Props

OLD MRS Anorak The IV would like to tell all Anorak readers that her husband is a brilliant man and though not a celebrity, he is a good egg and blessed with the stamina of a Latvian fighting cock.

Like Gordon Brown, the non-celebrity who tells the Mail:

“The boys are our lives. They are just an amazing gift, and, when John was born, it was such an exciting occasion. To know he was healthy was incredibly important.”

Because as Gordon says: “My children aren’t props: they’re people.”

Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0