Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 32

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Credit Crunch: Sue Carroll Is Down There With The Have Nots

SUE Carroll, the Mirror’s well-paid blonde, white columnist is considering the credit crunch, and hits upon the idea that when money is tight the poor suffer.

In “It’s Britain’s poor who are really feeling the credit crunch”, Carrol opines:

As a nation we’re feeling stressed, physically under par and tired. I get that.

Adding:

There’s nothing more repellent than listening to the haves pretending they’re down there with the have-nots.

Yeah. That is just so pathetic…

Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Chip Shape Victoria Beckham Calls The Baby Ordering Service

“I’M not even trying to get pregnant at the moment,” says Victoria Beckham, batting off advances from the Sun’s Victoria Newton and a loaded turkey baster.

Instead Her Poshness wants to make use of the Celebrity Baby Ordering Service, the Anorak agency that logs all demands for babies from our elite stars.

Says Posh:

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Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (14) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Madeleine McCann Christian Prayer Circle Says God Took Her

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

CHRISTIANITY TODAY: “Christians pray for missing Madeleine”

Christians around the world joined in prayer on Friday for the safe return of missing Madeleine McCann and the release of all children held by criminal networks.

Do the Christians know what happened to Madeleine, then?

The worldwide day of prayer was organised by the Madeleine Prayer Circle.

Join hands…

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Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (225) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Schoolboys Encouraged To Get Back To Nature

“SOMETHING is not right when a boy can’t sit down and watch a nature documentary on TV because he is to busy doing maths.”

Or doing Countdown, as it is known in the parlance of the modern school.

Gary James, deputy head of the Tiffin boys school, puts into words what millions of us have long thought.

Year 7 is a haven for boys aged between 11 and 12, and if they can’t watch two dung beatles copulating on a pile of donkey excreta, then what is education all about?

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Lily Allen’s Key II

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s keys II

Lily Allen managed to keep a Smile on her face after locking herself out of her new North London home – Gordon Smart, The Sun

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Credit Crunch: The Baby Boom And Bust

CREDIT Crunch news of the day: “BED-IT CRUNCH”

BRITAIN is heading for a baby boom as the credit crunch is forcing couples to entertain themselves at home. People have limited cash to splash at pubs and restaurants so are spending more time in the bedroom.

Sales of maternity clothes rose by nearly half last week, says the Sun:

But it’s no free ride:

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Victoria Beckham Runs On Chips

SUN readers can learn today why Victoria Beckham has “finally started to smile”.

Beneath a picture of Her Poshness, the Sun’s other front-page story is: “DAD KILLS TWO TOTS”. We wonder if these exclusives are linked and Posh has developed a darker, meaner character?

Inside the paper, we learn that Posh is happy because: “I’m eating more, I run 4 miles a day and I shop less.”

If she ran to the shops, Sticky Vicky could combine her twin passions and not be so hard on herself? Better yet, if Posh were to have her keep-fit trainer run just ahead of her trailing a hearty rice cake and a mirror?

And why else is Vicky smiling-ish?

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (15) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Credit Crunch: Heroin Dealers Make Rasher For It

CREDIT Crunch news of the day:

“SHOPLIFTERS ARE GETTING RASHER – Bacon is stolen to order”.

It’s the CREDIT BRUNCH, reports the Star, albeit missing the pun.

To a boarding house in Burnley, where the breakfast menu is being perused…

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Strychnine Come Dancing: Jessie Wallace Declares War

JESSIE Wallace “EXPLODES”.

With Big Brother at an end, the Daily Star mans the news wires and looks elsewhere for news.

And it finds the sensation that Jessie Wallace, the former EastEnder starring as a trainer dancer on Strictly Come Dancing, has called model Jodie Kidd a “horse” and actress Cherie Lunghi a “snob”.

And when Jessie Wallace explodes, you’d best duck lest a sequin take an eye out. This is “war”.

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Lily Allen’s Camper Keys

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s keys

So we weren’t surprised to see this snap of Lily, 23, laughing her wellies off after dad Keith locked his car keys inside his camper” – Daily Star, Goss Girls

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madeleine McCann: The News Of The World’s Sorry Apology For Tabloid Reporting

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

HAVING read “the heartbreaking TRUTH that destroys the lies of Portuguese police”, the oh-so-caring News of The World tells its readers:

“We today offer Kate our immediate and sincere apologies.”

No need, surely..?

The News of the World only published extracts from Kate McCann’s private diary because it cares. It wants to help. It has investigated the case of her daughter’s vanishing and found that the Portuguese police are bungling and to blame.

Yeah, those sicko coppers like Goncalo Amaral who seek to profit from the McCanns agony by publishing books. Not sure how much Amaral’s book costs, but the NOTW is under a pound.

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (353) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Brave Jade Goody Is Sobbing

“I’M IN pain but I won’t tell my boys,” says Jade Goody in the news of the World.

Better, perhaps, Jade’s little pork balls read it themselves, or learn it from one of their classmates whose mum or dad reads the NOTW.

As ever celebrity cancer-victim Jade Goody has an epithet. Having been, “Crack” Jade Goody, “BRAVE Jade Goody,” and “WEEPING Jade Goody”, she now appears as “SOBBING Jade Goody”.

Jade has enjoyed a type of fame for some years now but still the papers resist calling her “TROUBLED Jade Goody”. How she has tried to attain the ultimate qualifier, but it stubbornly remains the preserve of for A-listed like Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse.

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Posted: 21st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Greatest Non-Sequitur Of The Decade

HEADLINES like “WE‘RE ALL F***ED” (all papers) might have led readers to believe that the world’s economy was in freefall and we were all doomed to rearing turnips as a source of fuel, housing and good, clean, honest fun.

Now the Times says we’ve been to “Hell and back”. The Express leads with “SHARE BOOM SENSATION”. “The panic is over…possibly,” says the Independent. And the Sun commands readers to “FILL YOUR BOOTS”.

We’ve never had it so good.

(Image: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

And that goes for Gordon Brown, too, who is the recipient of the Guardian’s non-sequitur of the decade: “After the crash, a record bounce – and Brown fightback begins.”

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Posted: 20th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Money, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Lap Dancing For Puritans

SAYS the Mail: “Pole dancing club licensed to open at site where Mayflower set sail… what would the Puritans have said?”

Well, considering they were leaving for the US, perhaps “Goodbye”, or “phwoarr!”..?

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (13) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Paedo King Of London’s East End

THE Paedo King is upon us. He’s a new kind of paedo Leader. That; him in the picture, the star of the BBC’s fly-on-the soap EastEnders documentary.

People are up in arms. Or at least a person is: “Viewer fury over Enders paedo plot,” says the Sun.

The row comes as it was revealed actor Chris Coghill, 34, is under 24-hour police protection over fears he will be attacked for playing paedo King

Says the paedo king:

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Skatey Kate Middleton Makes Jan Moir Eat Her Teddy

PRINCE William’s lover, the leggy Kate Middleclass, is, like her man, playing at dress ups. Yesterday, Kate was in the papers dressed as a roller (S)Kate-r.

She was “Disco Queen Kate” (Express); “ECHOES OF PRINCESS DI” (Sun); “ROLLER SKATING” (Sun). And the Mail heralded her on its front page as “Skatey Katy”, looking on as she heading to her roller disco in “sober black boots”.

One day on and Kate Middleton is still in her green spandex top, yellow short shorts and roller skates. Has she been home yet?

She’s on the ground. “KATE IN A STATE,” says the Sun. It’s “Skating Kate’s tumble,” says the Express. And the Mail asks: “Is this a portrait of the future Queen of England?”

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Robbie Williams Is The Aliens’ Ambassador For Planet Earth

“TAAAAAAYYYYKE me to your leeed-der!” sing the aliens, having been taught the language by Robbie Williams.

With neither Barack Obama nor John McCain yet declared leader of the world, and the Labour Party with no fewer than 17 leaders at any one time, the aliens’ demand may spark as much confusion as it does dread and wonder.

But before the invasion, rich and single Robbie Williams needs to meet the space hoppers, which Michael C. Luckman, director of the New York Centre for Extraterrestrial Research, says might happen.

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Cosmetic Surgery: Making Over The Daily Mail

“COSMETIC cowboys could cost you your life, women warned,” announces the Mail.

Men called Billy-Bob dressed in chaps and surgical masks are using “irresponsible adverts to seduce them [women] into having operations”.

Many procedures advertised – such as lunchtime facelifts and discount five-in-one operations – are at best ineffective and at worst dangerous, the experts say.

Are you getting your five in a day?

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Laughing At The Unemployed City Boy Terrorists

THE Mirror is celebrating the loss of so many jobs in the City. Thousands – secretaries, traders, money makers, revenue, caterers, wealth generators, bar staff, cleaners and more – are looking at redundancy and the Mirror, voice of the worker, is delighted:

Brian Reade:

But I’m still laughing so hard at the sight of those City Boys departing Avarice Towers with their possessions in champagne boxes, that my face is redder than a glistening new Ferrari.

Or redder than an unpaid utility bill. Happily he then wishes death upon them.

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (9) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Sky Viewers Pay For Noel Edmonds’ GCHQ

NOEL Edmonds has taken time out from his conversations with God to say he’d rather got to jail than pay his TV licence fee.

(Says one viewer of Deal Or No Deal: “Dead Anroak, I did not know that – 100% of FACT – One in every 10,000 boxes on Deal or No Deal says ‘Punch Noel Edmonds in the face.’”)

The Star says Edmonds already has one registered to his home address, so lags can rest easy.

Noel’s on Sky 1, infiltrating satellite dishes with his Noel’s HQ. It’s a version of his Noel’s House Party with the added blob of consumer advice and Noel telling us “the politicians have failed”. Now it’s Noel’s chance to rule the land.

It’s Noel’s GCHQ, and he’s listening.

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madeleine McCann: More Kate Fury, Juliet Stevenson Feels And Ben Affleck Returns

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “Kate’s fury at leaked diary story”

Such is Kate McCann’s weekly tabloid fury, it’s a wonder she has any time to do anything other then be furious.

Kate McCann was last night said to be devastated by the unauthorised publication of her diary. You mean those extracts that appeared in the News of the World, sister paper to the Sun, the Mirror’s main rival..?

Lawyers for the McCanns are thought to be demanding an apology and payout for the Find Madeleine fund. The McCanns did not comment.

A payout? Well, if her words sell newspapers, it seems fair.. Unless they are in the public interest?

DAILY MAIL: “Truly, madly, deeply disturbing: A missing child leads Juliet Stevenson to some grisly secrets in a dark new drama”

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (573) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Cheryl Cole’s Private Affair Made Public

CHERYL Cole is back with her vomitous Ashley Sole. She wearing her wedding ring. Although, the Mirror says it might be a ring that was a present for her second anniversary.

Or it might be a spaghetti hoop that got lodged in Ashley’s throat, or a clutch of diamonds that became entangled in the toilet paper and stuck to Cheryl’s fingers?

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Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Lily Allen News Of The Day: Coronation Street’s New Bra Maid

LILY Allen news of the day: Corrie! Cop a load of our Lily…

Lily is mistaken for Coronation Street’s Kym Marsh – Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Four Facts About Paul Gascoigne’s Drinking

“INFO maniac UK,” screams the Mirror. “Average Briton absorbs 13 new facts per day.”

But which facts? Luckily, Paul Gascoigne is here to help readers. Gazza is by the Metz public house, in Dunston, Gateshead.

DAILY MIRROR: “Desperate for a drink at 9.44am.” Fact!

THE SUN: “Desperate for a drink…” at 9.45am. Fact!

DAILY EXPRESS: “9.30am: Gazza tries to get a drink.” Fact!

DAILY STAR: “Gazza is desperately trying to get into a pub at 9am”. Fact!

Now for 11 more facts to complete the day’s quota… Who’s in the Spurs First XI tonight?

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (11) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Celebrity News Of The Day: Jennifer Aniston Is Rushing

THERE’S a picture of Hollywood actress Jennider Aniston in the Daily Mirror. But why?

“Jennifer Aniston seems to be in a bit of a rush – perhaps she’s heading for a date with a new Friend?”

Yeah, perhaps…

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0