Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 32

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Tarnishing The Paul Newman Idol

PAUL Newman is dead, and the Mirror’s Sue Carroll salutes the “family man”.

Newman had six children, three from an early marriage that ended in divorce and three with actress Joanne Woodward, whom he married in 1958.

A two family man.

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (19)


Red Tuesday: Banks Fall, The Experts’ Top Tips And Spending Is The New Saving

MORE news that no-one knows what’s going on in the money markets as the Sun screams: “BLACKEST DAY”. Or as the Mirror puts it: “BLACKEST MONDAY.”

Black Monday is the name given to Monday, October 19, 1987, when stock markets around the world crashed. Should not yesterday be “Blacker Monday”?

Readers may be confused. To be in the black means to be free of debt; it is in the red that suggests debt and poverty. The Sun’s headline should read: “REDDEST DAY.”

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (24)


Jools Oliver Calls BOAST

JOOLS Oliver makes a call to Anorak’s Celebrity Baby Ordering And Star Treatment Service (BOAST)

“If I’m really honest, I’d like another girl,” – Jools Oliver, Mrs Jamiel Oliver, Sun

BOAST. Make the call now…

Myleene Klass And Norman Cook Call BOAST

Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Manchester City And Prince Harry In For Britney Spears Sex Tape

IT’S a Britney Spears sex tape.

Celebrity sex tape enthusiasts who want to see a mother-of-two having sex with an early-middle-aged Brummie can buy the goods for £5m.

What with the credit crunch, though, only the very few can afford to buy the tape, and it is believed it is being offered first to Manchester City, Prince Harry Baseball Cap and George Soros.

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Lily Allen Wears Shoes

LILY Allen news of the day: Brought to heel…

“Lily ditched her trainers for some killer heels and a sexy black and white dress” – Sun

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Image

Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)


Ant Rap: Ant Sues Ant And Dec

ANT Kalloniastis is suing Ant McPartlin to stop him using his name in the United States.

As the Sun reports, Ant K. is the host to f Celebrity Fit Club (US). He says he is losing work because he’s been mistaken for Ant P., who along with Declan Donnelly fronts the US show Wanna Bet?

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Mick Jagger And The Adventures Of Molly Miller Mundy McCartney

MICK Jagger is said by the Mail to have been seen out in the company of 23-year aristo Molly Miller Mundy.

Miss Molly Miller Mundy is the son of Mark Miller Nundy, who tells us:

“I’m thrilled it’s Paul McCartney.”

If it were, she could marry him, and be Molly Miller Mundy McCartney.

So we take the point…

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Armed Courses: Sending The Troops Into Britain’s Schools

THE Conservatives have unveiled their “Troops For Teachers” scheme. “SEND IN ARMY TO SORT OUT SCHOOLS,” says the Express on its cover.

The Sun says servicemen and women “would be paid to re-train as teachers on leaving the forces in a bid to boost tough inner-city schools.”

Yeah, nothing like a few trained killers in the tuck shop to teach those cocky kebab shop knifers what’s what.

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Sock A Mum: Victoria Beckham Wears Gloves In Bed

VICTORIA Beckham goes to bed wearing socks and gloves.

This is not to best please Day-vid, who is building up to the day he gets his wife to wear a full balaclava and tuxedo in the bedroom, but to prevent her from ageing.

Says Vicky:

“I put really thick foot lotion on with socks before I go to sleep. I also use thick hand cream with gloves at the same time.”

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Soldier Ant: Ant And Dec Fight In Afghanistan

DECLAN Donnelly and Ant McPartlin are in Afghanistan.

While the enemy has boy soldiers, we have soldiers who look like toddlers. The Mirror leads with news that both are under attack.

The tots are in the war zone on the pretext of presenting our squaddies with Daily Mirror Pride of Britain awards, plastic medallions featuring the faces of EastEnders Mitchell brothers and the legend: “REAL NEWS… REAL ENTERTAINMENT, 40p.”

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Spotting Paedophiles In McDonald’s

“SEX offenders are being allowed trips to McDonald’s,” says the Star.

“Health bosses at a secure hospital are worried about breaching human rights.” Well, in that case don’t take them to the home of the international murder burger.

But too late.

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)


Jade Goody’s Epithet Of The Day

JADE Goody epithet of the day:

“BATTLING Jade Goody looks deep in thought yesterday as she prepares for another cancer fight” – Sun

More on Battling Jade to follow…

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Back To Celebrity School With Peaches Geldof

THE headline “PEACHES: SPEND NIGHT WITH ME FOR £5K,” may bring readers to the conclusion that desperate Peaches Geldof is working as a good time girl.

It turns out that Peaches is being paid to attend “A list parties”.

So says the Star. But Anorak wonders if an A-list party needs a D-list starlet? And if the A-list party treasury committee have heard of the EU Celebrity Mountain and that you can hire a jobbing celeb for the whiff of a flashbulb and a pint of creme de menthe.

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Chanelle Hayes Exposes Omar Bakri’s Plot For Jihad In The Pole Dancing Club

DAYS on from news that mad mullah Omar Bakri paid for his daughter’s boob job and the plan to bring jihad to the country’s gentlemen’s clubs is curtailed.

The Star brings the front-page news that Chanelle Hayes will NOT be having her chest enlarged.

The Big Brother strumpet has made her decision in response to a Star reader’s poll. Tough on the War On Terror, and as patriotic as the next scaffolder, Star readers are turning their backs on artificial breasts, staring Islamofascism in the chest and saying “No”.

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Paul Newman Is Dead But There Are Icons Aplenty

PAUL Newman is dead. And the Daily Express’s Robert Gore-Langton asks: “WHERE HAVE ALL THE ICONS GONE?”

A trawl through the paper’s website reveals that they have gone into the huge file maked “Icon”:

Tonight sees the 90th birthday celebrations of one of the world’s most iconic and influential figures – Nelson Mandela.

SHE is the undisputed fashion icon of her generation – Kate Moss

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Madeleine McCann: Our Danny Baldwin And Using Maddie For PR

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

NEW ZEALAND HERALD: “TV Review: Out of the treacle comes trouble for everyone”

If anyone has wondered whatever happened to Coro’s cheeky cockney Danny Baldwin (Bradley Walsh), who went missing from the soap not long ago, here he is…

Where’s Our Danny?

“…playing a cheeky cockney in the missing-child drama Torn, which started on TV One last night.”

Any good?

When Torn screened in Britain a year ago, there was some debate over its merits because of the Madeleine McCann case.

With or without Our Maddie, it was dire… “it was like wading through treacle… Or like running up and down a beach in thick sand.”

PC WORLD (online): “Bungie accused of using Madeleine McCann case to promote Halo – ‘Maddie, where are you?’”

PC World… Isn’t that where Gary Glitter took his hard drive to?

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (112)


Nigel Lawson’s Law: All Fat Peopel Want To Look Rich

NIGELLA Lawson would like to tell Mail readers about her husband Charles Saatchi’s “nine eggs a day diet.”

In an exclusive interview with The Mail on Sunday’s You magazine today, 48-year-old Ms Lawson says her husband’s ‘completely mad eggs, eggs and more eggs diet’ now means that he is thinner than her.

Anorak recalls how former chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson, the masculine singular root of Nigella, also lost a shed load of weight.

It seems odd that the two males most associated with Nigella both now resemble the Christmas turkey that got away.

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Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Paul Routledge Can Rejoice As Credit Crunch Banker Tops Himself

“CREDIT CRUNCH BANKER KILLS HIMSELF,” screams the Daily Mail’s front-page headline.

Kirk Stephenson, who was married with an eight-year-old son, died in the path of a 100mph express train at Taplow railway station, Berkshire. Mr Stephenson is believed to have taken his own life after succumbing to mounting personal pressures as the world’s financial markets went into meltdown.

Believed by whom, is not said. But at least one man is happy: Paul Routledge can rejoice:

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Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (9)


Prince Edward Finds Work On Queen’s New Jet

ONE day on from the Daily Star’s shocker:

“The Queen is skint and will run out of cash in just three years time..The news follows Playboy boss Hugh Hefner laying off his bunnies”

And the Sun leads with:

“AIR FORCE ONE – Queen to buy £7milion private jet – Her Majesty, who currently shares the use of VIP flights with Government ministers and military chiefs, has taken a close personal interest in the new jet’s design.”

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Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)


Daily Mail, Daily Wail: Drinking Cat Piss

THE Daily Mail searches horro stories, medical reports and research notes for news, and finally its quest bears dividends:

Wine taste funny? It may contain cat litter… Malcolm Gluck reveals the unpalatable truth about the wine industry

Although licking the litter tray is all the rage in France…

Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (18)


Jade Goody Wants Daily Mirror Readers To Tell The Kids

“HOW DO I TELL THE KIDS?” asks Jade Goody on the Mirror’s foremost news page.

Jade speaks not only of all the world’s children, but specifically of her own. Jade wants to know how to tell her children she has cancer. And the Mirror wants its readers to help.

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Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)


Madeleine McCann: In Majorca Like What She Not Oughta

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MAIL: “Police search for Madeleine McCann in Majorca after British couple report ‘sighting’ on beach”

Not in Malta? Not in Morocco. Sticking with the “Ms”, we journey to Majorca…

Police in Spain were tonight searching the holiday island of Majorca for Madeleine McCann after a British couple claimed to have seen her on a beach.

But they said nothing?

Detectives were scouring hotels and holiday apartments for two dark-haired women seen with a young blonde girl matching Madeleine’s description.

Darkies? Darkies! Curses!

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (245)


Daily Mail On Cheap And Lazy Rehashes

SAYS RICHARD Littlejohn in The Daily Mail:

And finally, ITV says it will have to drop local news bulletins. It can’t afford its ‘public service’ commitments. Frankly, regional news on both BBC and ITV is a disgrace – consisting of on-the-cheap, lazy rehashes of stories nicked out of the newspapers…

Whereas the Daily Mail creates cheap and lazy rehashes of stories from foreign newspapers and the telly. In today’s organ:

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Eye-Eye: Madeleine McCann, Robert Murat And Gordon Brown In The Frames

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

INVERNESS COURIER: “Media is write stuff for latest Burn tale”

Caroline Flynn is at the Inverness Book Festival. And “Gordon Burn has assembled a cast of familiar faces for his latest — and perhaps final — novel.”

His last novel. Well, it will be hard to top…

Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Madeline McCann [sic] and John Smeaton all feature in a book set in the busy summer of 2007. But it is not the characters or the plot which form the core of “Born Yesterday”.

Sounds great. God. Politics. Maddie. Terror. Go on:

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (45)


Lily Allen Wears A Necklace

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s Uzi Scuzi

Singer Lily Allen scored more than a fashion own goal, when she was seen wearing a gold necklace with an Uzi machine gun pendant hanging from it Daily Mail

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (17)