Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 40

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Pete Doherty’s One Hand Clapped In Austria

PETE Doherty is in Bettina Aichbauer’s farmhouse in Austria.

No, no, Doherty has not gone missing, and there is no strange smell wafting up from the cellar.

But there is a smell.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Fergus Shanahan Interviews For The Daily Mail

IS the Sun’s deputy editor Fergus Shanahan auditioning for a job on the Daily Mail?

“There used to be a funny bloke in a mac who marched up and down London’s Oxford Street wearing a sandwich board declaring: ‘The End Of the World Is Nigh.’”

There did. Paul something… Paul Dacre… Yes that was his name. What of him, Fergus?

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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Arab Alan Sugar Buys Manchester City

MANCHESTER City have been sold to Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment, Make Wonderful Sexy Football For You and My Family, Please.

The Sun says the group is worth between £650billion and £800billion, give or take a few hundred billion either way.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Brave Jade Goody Is Weeping

FROM Brave Jade Goody, Jade Goody is transformed to “weeping Jade Goody” on the Sun’s front page.

What brought brave Jade to tears? Why, the news that her on-ish/off-ish lover and Big Brother tag-tem bully Jack Tweed has been jailed.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Madeleine McCann: GMTV Tears To Entertain, Jade Goody And Clarence Mitchell PR

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “Real victims who reduced me to tears”

Fiona Philips‘the woman with the whitest teeth and yellowest hair in daytime telly’ – “on GMTV heartaches and meltdowns”

Fiona Philips is fighting the tears as Helen Newlove, whose husband Garry has been murdered, is sat on the sofa to tell her story.

Tears are the new laughter.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Online-PR, Tabloids | Comments (747)


Credit Crunch: Foreigners Are All Potential Terrorists, Says Government

CREDIT Crunch Watch: Anorak’s look at credit crunch in the news…

“CREDIT CRUNCH WILL SEND CRIME SOARING,” screams the Daily Mail.

Says the FT:

Those walking the streets of London late at night may soon be at risk of being mugged by gangs of investment bankers, driven to acts of desperate violence by the travails of the credit markets.

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Daily Wail: Swiss Fall Into Black Hole, Princess Diana Never Went Away And Skin Disease

THE Daily Mail searches horro stories, medical reports and research notes for news, and finally its quest bears dividends:

MONDAY:

“Are we on the eve of destruction?” – It’s the Large Hadron Collider. It’s the “man-made black hole ‘could swallow the Earth’”. It’s on the French-Swiss border. So at least they’ll get it first…

“CREDIT CRUNCH WILL SEND CRIME SOARING – crime, violent, illegal working and even terrorist numbers will surge because of the economic downturn” – Good news for villains!

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)


Brave Jade Goody Goes Bravely, Like An Indian

JADE Goody is now officially “brave”.

In “BIG BRAVERY”, Jade is seen relaxing in front of the cameras with one of her children.

Jade is bravely sitting on a horse, a beast which might also be termed brave.

And then Jade is sitting on a brave chair in a brave field, bravely…

Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Keeping Tabs On Barry George

BARRY George is innocent. Barry George did not kill BBC presenter Jill Dando.

So the tabloids are on the hunt for her real killer. And just in case the murderer tries to kill George, the tabloids are keeping a close eye on him.

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Lily Allen News Of The Day: The Opposable Thumb

LILY Allen news of the day:

“Even celeb like singer Lily Allen are text fans” – Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


How The Media Made Gary Glitter Appear And Disappear

HAVE you seen Gary Glitter?

Today the Mirror says Glitter is at large dressed in a blue bandana, dark goatee beard and “perv’s smirk”.

He’s no longer in the “garishly decorated” room where he “hid” for four days while we hunted for him. He has since decided to “flee”.

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Sarah Palin’s The Big Tent Stunning Mate

SARAH Palin is John McCain’s milf “stunning mate”.

Here she is wearing a T-shirt.

Sarah is in the Express, profiled by one Julie Carpenter, who says Sarah’s husband is “one-part Eskimo fisherman”, although which part is unspecified, but Anorak opts for his harpoon.

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)


British Bulldog: Government Says Let’s Chase And Beat Up Fat Children

THE Local Government Association wants a return to the good old days of British bulldog, when schoolchildren would attempt to cross a line of their baying peers.

A touch, a smack on the back, a tap on the ankles or a straight honest-to-goodness punch in the head and the runner becomes the hunter.

Needless to say fat children were ever domed. With their fat legs, fat heads and fat minds they were ill-suited to the playground fun, acting more as bouncing bollards then actual persons.

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Danielle Lloyd’s Star Treatment

BIG Brother star emeritus and inflatable footballer’s keepy-uppy toy Danielle Lloyd is in the Daily Star, and LA:

“I’m going to get tattoos of four stars to remember this trip. They’ll represent things like the Hollywood Walk of Fame and the Daily Star – which is the only paper I read.”

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)


Big Brother Lisa And Mario Feel The Buzz

IT’S Big Brother uber milf Lisa Appleton and her Buzz Lightyear (The Middle Years) lover Mario Marconi.

Before we continue, Anorak would like to say that the world is divided into two groups: those who think people are staring at them because they are gorgeous; those who think people are staring at them because they are odd and have something stuck to their face?

Now back to the Star’s news that Lisa and Mario have been in “WIFE SWAP SECRETS”.

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)


Amy Winehouse Injured Training For 2012 Olympics Drugs Marathon

HATS off to Amy Winehouse who has prepared for the London 2012 Drugs Olympics with what the Sun is calling a “POT MARATHON”.

And that’s not all.

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Heir Apparent: Sun Stops Publication Of Intimate Prince William And Middleton Shots

TOP news for all you royal enthusiasts that Prince William has NOT tried on all uniforms the country has to offer.

In “SEXY KATE AND WILLS SNAPS STOLEN”, the Sun reports on “intimate” photographs of Prince Wills and his fragrant lover Kate Middleton.

The Sun says the pictures show the couple relaxing on a yacht in the Caribbean (surely hard at work as ambassadors for the country? – Ed), and more.

Rumours abound that in one shot Wills is dressed as a circus ringmaster and Kate as a lion into whose gaping maw the heir will lower himself.

But now “thanks to The Sun”, which refused to pay £50,000 for the snaps, we will not see the images.

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Madeleine McCann: The Bill, Durham Police And Gary Glitter Is Paedos’ ‘Our Maddie’

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “Maddy cops vetoed Brit help offer”

But British police have assisted in the McCann case. No?

Portuguese police turned down an offer to help find Madeleine McCann from Britain’s most senior murder investigator, it has emerged.

Emerged?

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (508)


Madeleine McCann: Stephanie Bysh And Ariella Encroach On Praia Da Luz

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

STEPHANIE Bysh is mother to Ariella d’Gama, who has passed a while in a children’s home.

What has it got to do with Madeleine McCann. Well, get this:

DAILY MAIL: “British mother whose daughter was taken into care by Portuguese police after she ‘went out drinking'”

A British man told police that her mother Stephanie Bysh, 44, had been ‘drinking heavily’… The town is five miles from Praia da Luz, where missing toddler Madeleine McCann disappeared in May last year from a rented apartment.

Yes, just five miles.

Yesterday, it was all just 15 miles from where our Maddie went missing.

The day before that it was all occuring 25 miles from Praia da Luz.

Anorak estimates that inside week, little Ariella will be actually inside the apartment used by the McCanns that fateful trip…

Such are the facts…

Posted: 29th, August 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (952)


Amy Winehouse Grows An Extra Hand

AMY Winehouse shows what drugs can do you in the London Lite freebie newspaper, and Tube seat cleaner.

It’s nothing short of tragic…

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Posted: 28th, August 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, Tabloids | Comments (8)


Councillor Can’t See The CCTV For The Trees

COUNCILLOR Albert Richardson claims surveillance cameras near his home on Ribbleton Avenue can “monitor visitors to his house and are invading neighbours’ privacy”.

So says the Lancashire Evening Post.

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Posted: 28th, August 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)


Madeleine McCann: Maddie For Rose Ron, Praia Da Luz Moves And Whacking Stephanie Bysh

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE SUN: “Hol mum of left girl faces jail”

To Portugal…

A BRITISH mum whose daughter was taken into care on holiday faces up to ten years in jail.

It’s “cash-strapped Stephanie Bysh”.

What do we know about here?

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Posted: 28th, August 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (671)


Daily Mail, Daily Wail: 100 Things to Die From

DAILY Mail headline of the day: “Author of ‘100 Things to Do Before You Die’ is killed in fall – and he only managed to achieve half his list”

The man who co-wrote the best-selling adventure travel guide 100 Things To Do Before You Die has died at the age of 47. He died after falling over at his home in Venice, California, and hitting his head.

Posted: 27th, August 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)


Jacqui Smith’s Secret Police Force’s Balls Up

ARE you ready for “JACQUI SMITH’S SECRET POLICE”?

While the potty Home Secretary keeps you distracted with her kebab and embonpoint, her police force is hard at it.

And the Mail knows how to spot them. Some of them, let’s call them “Security guards” are dressed in black jumpers (although they can be a dark navy blue) and polyester blend trousers.

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Posted: 27th, August 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (9)


Tabloid Sensation: Paris Hilton Wears Shoes

PARIS Hilton news, by Gordon Smart:

The heiress rarely goes out without donning a pair of killer stillettos – even for a trip to the supermarket it seems” – The Sun

More tabloid news tomorrow…

Posted: 27th, August 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)