Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 40

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

France Pays Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt To Live In La Belle Epoch

BY now you’ll be wondering what ever happened to Angelina Jolie and Brad Piit.

What are they up to? How are their kids? Well, Anorak has tracked the reclusive and humble couple down to France, and news is that they have struck gold.

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Posted: 25th, August 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comments (12) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother: Gazza, Nicole And Rex

BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…

IT’S “Big Brother Nicole”. She wants to tell us about: “COCAINE, GAZZA AND ME.”

Given the PR dive to make whiny Nicole appear interesting, Cocaine, Gazza and Me may well turn out to be the names of three Yorkshire terriers she once encountered on Hamstead Heath.

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Posted: 25th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Los Angeles Residents Welcome You To London 2012 Olympics

DAVID Beckham and Leona Lewis welcome you to the London Olympics, says the Star.

Becks lives in Los Angeles, so does Leona. But what the hell, they were born in London and that will do.

The Times leads with pictures of Londoners who live in London, and a load of tourists, celebrating the arrival of the fearsomely expensive sporting event in four years time They are waving flags beating the Olympics logo – that picture of Lisa Simpson felating on an unknown IOC member.

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Posted: 25th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Knife Crime: Police Seize Intergalactic Klingon Blade

GASP in horror as a copper holds aloft a “horrifying five-foot weapon” recovered by police during a knife amnesty.

The Mail explains:

A spokesman for police in Gloucester, where it was surrendered, said: “It is a particularly nasty weapon that can, literally, take someone’s head off. We are very glad it is off the streets and we want more weapons handed in.”

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Posted: 24th, August 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (8) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Fun With Fat People: Weight To Be Seated In Leeds Eatery

FAT people are all sooo funny, jolly even.

Hotel chiefs were rapped yesterday for planning to weigh children – and charge fat ones more for Sunday lunch.

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Posted: 24th, August 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Olympics Under a European Flag: Team GB Takes Beijing

“EUROPE bids to hijack our medal.”

The Sunday Express brings news to shock and to cheer.

Finally, after so long we can win the rhythmic gymnastics, the shot putt and the Molesworthian  walking races. Says the Express:

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Posted: 24th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (20) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Sarkozy And Bruni: The Pitter Patter Of Tiny Feet

NICOLA Sarkozy is on the beach. He is with his wife, the leggy Carla Bruni:

Asks the Mail: “Is there a petit Sarkozy on the way for Carla Bruni?”

Another one..?

Posted: 24th, August 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Rebecca Adlington: UK Olympians Puts Manners Before Medals

REBECCA Adlington is in conversation with the Mail. Who she? She’s young (a teenager), blonde and dressed in a swimsuit.

No, this is the Mail, not some down market redtop that encourages its readers to perv at the strumpets. Ms Adlington, of the Beijing Adlingtons, is a swimmer and she’s here to “RESTORE YOUR FAITH IN BRITAIN”.

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Posted: 24th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Beat The Credit Crunch With Laughing Gas

“WE’LL pay your gas bill for a year,” says the Express

The pledge is illustrated by a picture of a middle-aged woman beaming. Is the gas in questions nitrous oxide?

If it is, we say bring it on.

A flick of the gas taps and a good laugh will warm us up a treat. It’s the Blitz spirit…

Posted: 24th, August 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madeleine McCann: Angelia Jolie’s Changeling, Oakely International And Belgian Paedos

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

MAIL On SUNDAY: “McCANNS’ FUND IN £500,000 CHAOS.”

A team of private investigators working behind the scenes to find Madeleine McCann has been axed after being paid £500,000 from publicly donated funds.

Metodo 3?

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Posted: 24th, August 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (143) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Jade Goody: My Cancer, Lorraine Kelly And The Sun’s Campaign

IT’S Jade Goody ‘The Hoody’.

She’s on the Sun’s cover. Her face is mess of tears. Says the headline: “DOCTORS SAID I’D BE DEAD IN 3 MONTHS.”

Some people can be so unforgiving, especially doctors. Granted, at the apogee of her notoriety, death threats against the Goody person were common but now she has cancer, can we lay off her?

Sun columnist Lorraine Kelly wonders: “When did a cancer diagnosis become fit for TV viewing?”

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Posted: 23rd, August 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (37) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


After the Olympics The TV Titles

“OLYMPIC DAMES,” announces the Mirror’s front page. Britain’s New Olympians are top be given titles.

“GIVE OUR HEOES A GONG,” says the Mail on its cover. Anorak senses a campaign, and one the Mail has every chance of winning (see Mirror).

Titles for one and all. And to go with the medals and ribbons, a valuable spot in the TV titles.

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Posted: 23rd, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madeleine McCann: Finger Printing Kids And Gary Glitter

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

FORT MORGAN TIMES: “FM State Bank offers info service for parents in case child missing”

Fort Morgan State Bank wants local parents to be ready with the information they need in the event of their worst nightmare: a missing child.

Every parents worst nightmare

The bank has purchased equipment to photograph and fingerprint children and provide a printout that also includes physical descriptions and other vital information on the kids.

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Posted: 23rd, August 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (187) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Gary Glitter Walks The Land

GARY GLITTER’S coming. Gary Glitter’s gonna get you.

“WARNING,” screams the Mirror from its front page, words writ in large red letter. “This vile man lands back in Britain today.”

They say he wear huge platform heels that mean he can peer in upstairs windows with no need to jump.
Shut the windows. Lock the doors. If cornered, call him “leader”, he likes it.

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Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (22) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Mel C’s Pregnant Parenting Tips

MEL C: “I’m PREGNANT.”

It’s former sensible-shoe-wearing Spice Girl Melanie Chisholm, the shouty one with the poor volume control on the cover of the Daily Mirror. She’s with child. Her own.

Says a source:

“The girls are so pleased for her and have said they’re only a phone call away to pass on any parenting tips.”

And if they don’t answer the phone, she can leave a message with the nanny…

Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madeleine McCann: Mark Harrison Investigates

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE RESIDENT (Portugal): “MADELEINE: Police should search for body said British expert”

A SUMMARY by police in February 2008 reveals, for the first time, that there were only two possible causes, in their opinion, that could account for the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

Alien abduction is one and – well, Gary Glitter was in jail at the time – so we’d go for eaten by sharks.

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Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (375) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Pensioners And Under Youth In UK Breeding Programme

GIVEN the level of paedo panic and Gary Glitter’s return, the Telegraph’s front-page picture of an older adult hand holding that of a child sends a shiver of revulsion in reader’s spine.

We examine the bigger hand for signs of stardust, Glitter, if you will, and wonder if anyone out there can identify the claw?

New is that, according to the Office for National Statistics, pensioners now outnumber under 16s.

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Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Money, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Lily Allen News Of The Day: Role Models

LILY Allen News of The Day: The Role Model

LILY Allen was out on the lash the other night and ended up in a scrap in the street. Pictures of Lily attempting to punch a girl, while still holding a cigarette I might add, appeared on the same day as a report showing the effect of booze on young women… Women need role models at home and in public. Before we start blaming Lilly and the like for the sins of our daughters, we should start looking closer to home – Melanie Harvey, Daily Record 

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

 

Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Prison Files Lost: Gary Glitter Identifies Villains

“THOUSANDS of criminal files lost in data fiasco,” announces the Times.

Old Mr Anorak smiles and mutters something about it all being a terrific misunderstanding anyhow, and that he can now return to Wales.

The Mail puts it in more chilling terms: “DANGER CRIMINAL FILES GO MISSING.”

Those front-page words dice with a picture of Gary Glitter for our attention. Not all villains are now invisible. We have Glitter, and will watch him like a hawk at a nudists’ colony.

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Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother’s Stephanie McMichael Steals Fame

BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…

“BIG BRUV STEPH IS ATTACKED IN STREET.”

Grim news on the Star’s front page is that “sexy” Stephanie McMichael has been the victim of muggers following a night out in London’s venue of strumpets, Chinawhite.

And no surprise whatsoever to learn that the felons stole her mobile phone. You know, the one with the names of all her celebrity chums on.

“Now the babe fears for the security of her celeb friends as their contact details are stored on her phone.”

How the likes of Keith Harris, Chico and DanLy – “the world’s third best Kylie and Danni Minogue impersonator” – must be hoping that their phones will ring.

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Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


John Prescott On Jodie Marsh On Class

THAT’S John Prescott licking the face of the Jodie Marsh biscuit on the Express’s cover.

Says the headline: “Don’t fret Pauline! I’m just discussing class with this young lady.”

She’s Jodie Marsh, the strumpet who once invited music television viewers to take her “up the aisle”. It’s “2 Jags Meets 2 Jugs,” observes the Sun, and readers are left to wonder which of Prescott or Marsh has the larger bust and the bigger “parking space”.

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Posted: 21st, August 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Everybody Hates Big Brother’s Nicole

BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…

BIG Brother’s Nicole is the “MOST HATEED HOUSEMATE EVER”.

So says the Star which is specialist is matter of hating Big Brother housemates.

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Posted: 21st, August 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (16) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Gordon Brown’s Olympic Vision

EVEYONE wins at the Olympics. Reports the Mirror:

Gordon Brown said yesterday Britain’s Olympic heroes had inspired him to fight on and win the next election.

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Wesbite)

Is Gordon using his personal trainer to get him fit enough to do away with voting and make it to straight foot race between he and Cameron?

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Posted: 21st, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Olympic Balls: Guns And Knives For Bikes

HEY, kidz. Do as the Mirror says: “Dump those guns and knives and get on your bike.”

And the Mirror is talking to you kidz, and not to the Russian forces in Georgia, the Americans in Iraq or the jihadis in your broom cupboard.

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Posted: 21st, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Tabloid Bingo At The Madrid Plane Crash

A PLAN has crashed in Madrid. Grim news. Horrific.

So what better time for a game of Tabloid Bingo!?

Eyes down for the front-page numbers of dead:

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Posted: 21st, August 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0