Mario Balotelli’s agent ‘doesn’t give a f**k’

IN a division so devoid of any character, the departure of Mario Balotelli from the Premier League is a very sad one. Who can football fans look to now? Suarez? He’s not exactly loveable. Ryan Giggs? Even he managed to make shagging his brother’s girlfriend look dull.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, February 2013 | In: Sports | Comment

Elmo can’t stop talking about sex, but denies any wrongdoing with 16 year old

HAVE you seen Being Elmo? Rubbish isn’t it? It’s cinematic fluff that faces you with a story of a man who, without much fuss, because really famous for having his hand in the arse of a red, furry irritant. Elmo, somehow, because the single most famous thing on Sesame Street.

Now Elmo is having a crisis.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 13th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities, Reviews | Comment

Katherine Jenkins wins Olympic media silver for David Beckham sex story

HEARD the one about Katherine Jenkins having an affair with David Beckham? No, neither had anyone else on Earth, ever. That was until Jenkins issued a statement on Twitter saying that she wasn’t having an affair with the squeaking footballer.

She pointed out that she’d only met Goldenballs twice, adding that she had never even been on her own with him.

Jenkins tweeted:

“Dear Twitter friends, I’ve read some horrible rumours on here & want u 2 know I absolutely deny I’ve had an affair with David Beckham. The rumours are very hurtful, untrue & my lawyers tell me actionable… I’ve only met David twice: once at the Military Awards in 2010 & on a night out in the West End in Feb 2012.” We were out in a group of friends & it was just a normal fun evening out… Just so we are clear I have never been on my own with him and never arranged to meet up.”

So is this a case of anti-news? If so, then we can also say things like ‘KATHERINE JENKINS ISN’T MADE OUT OF HAM!’ or ‘JENKINS DIDN’T HAVE SEX WITH EVERY MEMBER OF THE COSBY SHOW AND CERTAINLY DIDN’T FILM IT, NOR DID SHE ENJOY WATCHING THE THEO HUXTABLE SECTION BACK AT A LATER DATE’

Or is it a case of her letting the cat-out-of-the-bag on something that is actually happening, thereby creating a mini ‘Streisand Effect’? Has she jumped the gun before the story broke, thereby making her look incredibly guilty of something?

Or is it just a crap publicity stunt?

The Daily Mirror leads with the no news: “BECKS: I didn’t sleep with Kath.”

…an insider said Victoria, 38, knows the claims are “nonsense” and did not feel the need to respond. The source added: “Both she and David are a bit bemused as to why Katherine felt the need to do this in the first place. “Victoria and David haven’t needed to have conversations about the claims.”

While no comment about a non-news story is  a front-page comment, the Sun yells from its front page:

“Diva’s Becks Sex Shock”

BBC presenter Nicky Campbell tweeted: “I see @kathjenkins has gone on Twitter and denied having an affair with David Beckham. Anyone you would like to deny having an affair with?”

Lily Allen tweeted: “I’m really upset at the hurtful rumours going round about me having an affair with Jay Z. My lawyers tell me they are actionable. I’ve met him twice, once at the Spotted Pig in New York and once at the Wireless Festival. We have never been alone together etc etc.”

Meanwhile, in the Olympic legacy spirit, we’d like to give Jenkins a silver medal for conjuring news from nothing. Nice one, Kath. It’s people like you that keep the dead-tree press writing about Twitter. They should give you a prize…

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 25th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Robert Pattinson gets ice-cream from Jon Stewart over K-Stew break-up

DESPITE being a man so outrageously dull to the point where death itself will probably overlook him, Robert Pattinson is feeling the first stirrings of feeling. After years of being a veritable clump of human flotsam, he’s trying to produce some tears and emotion.

It really is beautiful to watch.

And this, of course, is all because his ex, Kristen Stewart allowed a married, older man to insert his penis into her. Kristen and The Other Man issued public apologies and millions of Twilight fans moistened with a bizarre mix of lust and pity for Pattz.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 14th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Robert Pattinson demanded public apology as he feels emotion for the first time in his life

CRUSHINGLY tedious Robert Pattinson has spent his life in much the same way plankton has, silently floating through life with all the charisma of a bin bag, gently knocked side-to-side by the elements, ostensibly waiting to die. However, things have changed. Like a Sims character, he’s developing real human emotions and it is all because his gal, Kristen Stewart, has received the penis of another.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kristen Stewart cheats on Robert Pattinson with ancient married filmmaker?

TWILIGHT fans are an insane bunch, throwing every single emotion they have in the direction of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.

And today, they’ll be all of a tizz when they hear the story that K-Stew has been cheating on R-Pattz with a married filmmaker who is twice her age. Allegedly.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 25th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Travolta gay claims crop up again, this time, with added libel

GAY or not, John Travolta is being put through the media mangle at the moment while everyone speculates about his sexuality. All we need now is an invite from Oprah for Travolta to have a little cry and tell us how hard it all is, and we’re done.

Previous stories around this have featured large chefs flipping burgers, masseurs rejecting Travolta’s sexual advances, powerful Jews and helicopter pilots. It’s ticked many boxes. And now, the latest addition, is some libel! Robert Randolph, who wrote a book about his alleged gay encounters with John Travolta has filed a libel lawsuit against the actor and his attorney.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 22nd, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Travolta had gay relationship with pilot? Doug Gotterba alleges

CAN we make a ‘look who’s talking now?’ joke concerning the myriad of men who have claimed to have had some kind of sexual encounter with John Travolta? Doesn’t matter now. We’ve already done it.

Either way, Travolta is the subject of many claims at the moment and now, there’s someone saying that the Saturday Night Fever actor spent most of the ’80s riding a pilot’s joystick, Doug Gotterba.

Travolta’s secretary at the time spoke about her old boss’s sex life. She said:

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 7th, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Cheryl Cole dreams of marrying Prince Harry

IT IS all very well being a pop princess, but being an actual princess is far superior. Presumably, as a member of a royal family, you get more than mere VIP treatment. You’re probably allowed to handpick a member of the public and hunt them for sport when you get bored. You probably get Findus Crispy Pancakes with griffin meat in them.

With that, we look squarely at Cheryl Cole who British pop royalty who dreams of becoming a blue blood. That’s right – her subconscious has placed Prince Harry in there as husband material, all grinning with a boner.

Of course, Harry has previously revealed his love for Chezza at an awards show in 2009, where he told Joe McElderry that one was “so jealous that you got to spend weeks with Cheryl”. During a question-and-answer session, a fan asked Cheryl whether she knew if Harry ‘fancied’ her, to which the Girls Aloud star replied: “I do! I love Prince Harry. Actually, I had a dream last night I married Prince Harry and was a real-life Princess! It’s true! And Prince Charles was my father-in-law instead of my charity partner.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 3rd, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale – Next stop, Splitsville!

EVERYONE kinda fancies Gwen Stefani don’t they? Even though she’s got a weird nose and makes pretty awful music. She’s definitely gone from annoying alt.rock gal to bona fide pin-up. Well, the sad thing for all onanists is that she’s been married with children and generally dropped off the radar, leaving us with people like Ke$ha instead, who is like a million nails on a blackboard, while chewing wool.

However, we might be seeing more of Gwen as, reportedly, she’s about to split up with derivative grunge bozo Gavin Rossdale!

After a decade-long marriage a source told Star magazine: “They have a roller coaster relationship, and right now it has flown off the tracks,” adding, “They’re fighting nonstop.”

So, what’s the cause of this scrapping? Is it something to do with Rossdale contributing nothing to the family coffers since the late ’90s? Apparently not. It’s his past AND Gwen’s success.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 26th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Russell Brand and Katy Perry reveal ordinary, boring, spiteful marriage

RUSSELL Brand and Katy Perry are getting divorced.

Marriage is supposed to the union of two people who are perfect for each other. A union of souls! Two hearts entwined! Alas, most marriages only serve to harvest resentment, lay trowels of gloom on your libido and inject jealousy and spite into your increasingly mundane life.

So, you have children to stave it off for a while, only for your children to add more spite and resentment to proceedings before you have a spectacular and ignored breakdown which screams inside you ’til your insides are deaf.

When celebrities get wed, they’re no different. Look at Russell Brand and Katy Perry. They let go of their wild past and settled down with each other. Of course, they could’ve been really cool and had a swinger’s marriage, but no, they opted for the whole ‘bitter and seething’ thing that befalls so many.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 10th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Kutcher begs Demi to let him have Christmas dinner at hers because he can’t work an oven

CAUGHT with his pants down on his wedding anniversary, you can imagine that Ashton Kutcher wasn’t that surprised Demi Moore promptly went about divorcing his famous arse. However, a little thing like that ain’t gonna stop the Kutch!

Just weeks after filing for divorce, Demi Moore has decided to try dating again, which is perfectly reasonable.

“Now she’s filed for divorce, Demi wants a bit of fun to make herself feel good again,” a pal reveals. That said, Ashton is willing to take her a step back and begged to be invited over for Christmas lunch! We assumed it was because he can’t be trusted with sharp knives and an oven full of gas, but it appears it’s a little more wholesome than that. And we know how Ashton loves a turkey (see acting career.)

“He’s told her he wants to spend Christmas with her and the girls,” says a source. “It’s 
a bit of a cheek but she’s weighing 
up what’s the right thing to do.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 24th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jessie Wallace Has Soap Opera Of A Honeymoon After Being Cheated On

DUM-DUM-DUM-DI-DUM-DIDIDIDDY! Kat off Eastenders, not better known as Jessie Wallace, has been having a lousy time of it lately. She was supposed to be getting married to a chap called Vince Morse, but it all went a bit Albert Square.

See, Jessie dumped Vince (hopefully via Morse code, which could’ve potentially read “..-. ..- -.-. -.-   -.– — ..-“) just hours before the wedding after she found out he’d sent a dirty photo of the actress to an ex.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 6th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kim Kardashian Had An ‘Affair’ With Someone You Haven’t Heard Of: Launches Perfume

MYSTIFYINGLY famous Kim Kardashian (she’s the Kardashian sister who had a sex tape online if you can’t tell them apart) is getting married soon, which is obviously wonderful news for all of us adoring fans. She’ll be looking at her vast piles of money and wondering how she’s going to spend it on her special day – unlikely to be her last ‘special day’ in fairness.

She’s blissfully in love with some chap called Kris Humphries, who is some kind of American sports personality, thereby, completely unheard of outside of the United States of America.

What could possibly go wrong?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 9th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Wife Laughs, Then Probably Cries, In The Face Of Reconciliation

BICEP brained Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably sat somewhere on his own right now, silently weeping over photographs of his family that he destroyed when he forgot to put a condom on while entering his maid and then keeping the resultant child a secret for a decade or so.

He’s probably sent texts to Maria Shriver, his soon-to-be-ex who will take him to the financial cleaners, saying ‘I can change’, which are clearly very funny if you read them aloud in his voice.

Arnold Schwarzenegger And Mildred Patricia Baena’s Love Child Photos

However, Maria is not interested, making it abundantly clear that there’s absolutely no chance of her giving their marriage another try.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Imogen Thomas: Blackmailer Or Not?

THIS writer has been warned away from a number of stories thanks to the ubiquitous super injunction. Kinda irritating when you meet the celebrity in question and have to stand there with a big shit-eating grin on your face, coupled with whitened knuckles of frustration.

One super injunction that seems to have a whole bunch of names attached to it regardless is the one involving Imogen Thomas, who you may remember as being ‘Her Off Big Brother 7 Who Had The World’s Most Listless Sex Tape Leaked’.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)