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Manchester City Balls: The Alan Shearer Pundit Masterclass

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Posted: 11th, November 2014 | In: Manchester City, Sports | Comment


Liverpool Balls: ‘Tired’ Bighead Raheem Sterling Is No Diehard ‘Rested’ Leighton Baines

20141013_152255 (1)

 

AN update on the Balls written about Raheem Sterling, the Liverpool tyro who admitted to England manager Roy Hodgson that he was not feeling on top form.

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Posted: 13th, October 2014 | In: Liverpool, Sports | Comments (2)


Who needs Croatia? Alan Shearer rewrites history in his attack on Roy Hodgson’s England

General view of the scoreboard showing the final score England 5 Croatia 1

ENGLAND needed a draw art worst in the Ukraine to stay top of their World Cup qualifying group, in which they are unbeaten. So far, England have scored 23 goals, letting in just 3 – giving them the best goal difference out of all the NINE qualifying groups. They have two home matches left to be sure of qualification to the 2014 World Cup Finals in Brazil. So. It’s not as disaster. Far from it. Still brickbats have been tossed at Roy Hodgson and his team:

One naysayer is Alan Shearer, who writes in the Sun.

“When was England’s last good performance? I don’t mean result, I mean a performance that really made you sit up and think ‘We have got something good here’. I’ll tell you when it was – September 1, 2001 in Munich, Germany 1 England 5.”

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Posted: 12th, September 2013 | In: Sports | Comments (4)


‘Alan Shearer provides expert anal’ – and other epic subtitle fails

When subtitlers go bad

At the conclusion of the Confederations Cup, British television audiences will be left with a host of magical memories featuring skill, technique, determination and sheer endurance. Is there no limit to Alan Shearer’s talents? It seems not…

subtitle fails

 

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Posted: 1st, July 2013 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment


In praise of Ashley Cole – he’s right about Terry, the FA and Shearer

CAN we now all agree to like Ashley Cole? The Chelsea player was the one person we can say was racially abused in the ongoing saga of the FA versus John Terry. Rio Ferdinand called Cole a “choc-ice“.

Terry, of course, uttered the words “fucking black cunt” in the direction of QPR’s Anton Ferdinand. Westminster magistrates ruled that Terry, who said his words were sarcastic, had committed no criminal offence. Still, the FA said Terry was not a racist but had said racist things. He was guilty of unwitting racism, fined and banned.

The FA wants us to get the moral message. Sod the law. Sod actual racism. We need to be educated. Clive Efford MP, Labour’s Shadow Sports Minister, agrees:

“Notwithstanding the fact that the court has found him not guilty, the language he used has no place on any football pitch in any context whatsoever…The FA must now reinforce confidence in that approach, restate their complete commitment to stamping out racism and build on the work that has been done to date, to send the message to every member of our society that racism in any form cannot be tolerated.”

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Posted: 8th, October 2012 | In: Sports | Comments (2)


Shearer praises Spain for having “an unbelievable amount of sex”

LIKE anyone sensible, you watched the Euro 2012 Championships fianl between Spain and Italy on BBC1. You did this because ITV has ad breaks and Clive Tyldesley. You did this because the BBC no longer has John Motson, much. You did this because the BBC has Gary Lineker’s understanding, patience and wit.

True enough, the BBC does have Alan “unbelievable” Hansen, a man for whom the incredible amounts to Andy Carroll heading a ball. It also has Alan Shearer. Just as Roy Hodgson’s XI are exciting because they make so many mistakes, Shearer is the old pro tripping over thoughts which, if his expression is a guide to what’s occurring within, are born in constipation whilst being sat on a fence.

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Posted: 2nd, July 2012 | In: Sports | Comment


Alan Shearer ghostwrites Mario Balotelli’s autobiography

WHEN Alan Shearer stops being “Alan Shearer” on the telly, he’ll pick up the pen and be “Alan Shearer” the writer. As Alan Shearer says, “You couldn’t have wrote that script.” Last night, Alan Shearer creased his forehead like man sitting on an orange cone with a vacuum-packed brow, and transmitted a thought to the watching millions:

“Balotelli hasn’t achieved anything in his career yet.”

This was no small matter. Shearer wroter of such phrases as “You can see what it means to him — and rightly so” and “They need to win tonight”, who told us when manager of Newcastle United, “It’s what’s in the dressing room that’s got us relegated” (what was it? A giant spider in the bath? A stray turd? Answers on a postcard), had cut through Balotelli’s medals for winning Serie A (2007-08, 2008-09, 2009-10), the Coppa Italia (2009-10), the Supercoppa Italiana (2008) the UEFA Champions League (2009-10), the Premier League (2011-12) and the FA Cup (2010-11), to focus on what defining what we mean by achieving.

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Posted: 25th, June 2012 | In: Sports | Comments (2)


Alan Shearer Saves Newcastle From Joey Barton

joey-barton1ON Joey Barton – from the Forums:

This falls into the “I damn well told told you so” category. I said the violent Joey Barton was an out’n’out uncontrollable tosser and would be the downfall to the good reputation of any Premier (or Pub league side) stupid enough to select him.

This from tonight’s Evening News in a windswept Manchester:

FORMER Manchester Blues ace Joey Barton has been suspended from Newcastle FC until further notice.

The controversial 26-year-old from Huyton, Merseyside, who was sent off for a reckless challenge on Liverpool’s Xabi Alonso on Sunday – which cost him a three-match ban and ended his season – has been told to stay away as Alan Shearer attempts to save the club from relegation.

A club statement said: “Newcastle United can confirm that Joey Barton has been suspended from the club until further notice.”

Make that for good Alan…for the sake of the game. Scrap him.

More in the Forums…

Posted: 6th, May 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2)


Six Reasons Why Alan Shearer Will Fail As Newcastle United Manager

THE football world has been rocked – well, shaken a bit – by the not-that-suprising news that Alan Shearer has taken over as Newcastle Utd boss, at least until the end of this season (unless this is a brilliant April Fool’s story??). Howay the lad!

Big Alan’s first game in charge is home to Chelsea. Oh dear. Here, Anorak lists six reasons why Alan will take his beloved club down…

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Posted: 1st, April 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (4)