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Amanda Holden: Simon Cowell Can Have Her Nipples For £2m

amanda holden nipples

Pull the other one


Amanda Holden heralds the start of vaude­villian Britain’s Got Talent season whatever by telling the Sun she wants her nipples are insured for £2m. The Sun works out that each nipple is worth £1m apiece. But we think they’d struggle to branch out on solo careers as holders for wet donkey jackets or Deal or No Deal presenters, being better off together and attached to the adamite Holden superstructure.

Says Amanda:

“I decided if it was good enough for Kylie Minogue’s bum or Mariah Carey’s legs, it is definely required for my nipples.”

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Posted: 10th, April 2015 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amanda Holden recovers with a sherry, Barbie and a KitKat

AMANDA Holden is back on the Sun’s cover. Having launched the Sun on Sunday with a gory story of her 40-second death, Amanda makes a front-page vow:

“No more kids..I couldn’t go through that again.”

And with that a tabloid thread dies. Says Amanda:

“…there’s no way I’m putting anyone through that again.”

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Posted: 27th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amanda Holden wins Britain’s Got Talent with the Hollie Rose show

AMANDA Holden has had a baby. The birth of a child is a joyous thing and the red-tops do not overstate the arrival on planet Earth of Hollie Rose:

The Sun (front page): “HOLDEN the baby – First pic of Hollie Rose”
The Mirror (front page): “HOLDEN THE BABY”

Of course this is not really the first picture of Hollie Rose. This is the first picture of Amanda Holden holding Hollie Rose. Holden is the cougar judge on Britain Got Talent, the pushy head girl telling the hapless amateurs at the school of showbiz where they are going wrong and, with any luck, reducing them to tears.

It’s all about the presenter. Holden invests in her role as expert here to help your lowly lives by presenting her child for us to gaze upon.

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Posted: 6th, February 2012 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (11)

Amanda Holden: Hollie Rose Hughes in bloody miracle

AMANDA Holden, reality TV show judge and former Mrs Les Dennis, is all over the front pages. She has given birth to Hollie Rose Hughes at a private hospital. Holden was 40 and eight months pregnant.  There is is talk of blood transfusions and intensive care. How do we know this. Well, “sources” say. Let’s take a look at those font-page stories:

“Amanda’s fight for life after giving birth to a girl” – Daily Mail

Amanda Jolden is dying?

“Amanda – Miracle baby battle” – Daily Star

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Posted: 26th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amanda Holden’s Meat Paste Face Hosts The Collars & Coats Gala Ball: Photos

TO celebrate Battersea Dogs And Cats Home reaching its 150th birthday, Amada Holden hosted the Collars & Coats Gala Ball, a South Korean and North Korean summit supper over plates of steaming strays and novelty gloves.

Not really. But Holden does seem to have something to her face. What is unclear. Holden’s face is tighter than Simon Cowell’s back story. The dog in her arms hasn’t licked anything that smooth since the lads in the pack played condom football with a jar of meat paste.

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Posted: 25th, November 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Does Susan Boyle Think Amanda Holden’s Trout Pout Is Authentic?

HATS off to Britain’s Got Talent’s Amanda Holden for realising that cutaway shots of her gaping are very much part of the show’s fabric. So as not disappoint the fans, Holden seems to have elected to freeze her face in a permanent gape.

This is, of course, what Susan Boyle would have wanted. Holden saluted Boyle as the authentic face of natural womanhood. Boyle should return the favour and salute Holden as the face of vapid artifice.

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Posted: 28th, April 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Britain’s Got Talent: Janey Cutler Might Be Susan Boyle

BRITAIN’S Got Talent looms and we get to meet Janey Cutler, billed as this year’s Susan Boyle.

In the tabloids, Britain’s Go Talent is a chance for ugly people to do well. We don’t mean ugly as in grotesque, just ugly as in Unlikely Gods Like Yourself (TM).

While the X Factor positions lip-synching Cheryl Cole – with a conviction for assault; neck tattoo and shaggability – as the nation’s sweetheart, the X Factor resident babe is eyebrow wrangler Amanda Holden. Holden is hard-to-like. But unlike Cole who looks out of reach for watching dads and sticky finger adolescents, the former Mrs Les Dennis seems within reach, the tarty office secretary who might at the Christmas party.

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Posted: 11th, April 2010 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment

Amanda Holden On Affairs And Cheryl Cole (Pictures)

AMANDA Holden continues to mistake the love for Susan Boyle, Simon Cowell and Britain’s Got Talent for a sign that we like her. Holden is in OK! magazine under the banner – get this – “nation’s sweetheart”. And “Here Amanda talks to OK! about ‘shallow’ America…” a place you might imagine she feels right at home.

Amanda is talking about Ashley Cole and John Terry and how they have allegedly cheated on their partners. Amanda says Cheryl “must be so heartbroken because you don’t stop loving somebody”.

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Posted: 7th, April 2010 | In: OK! | Comments (2)

Cheryl Cole: No Suicide And She Loves Ashley Cole, ‘Probably’

CHERYL Cole and Ashley Cole: Cheryl Cole on life support, her love for Ashley and Amanda Holden…

On the Daily Star’s front page, we learn: “CHERYL: I STILL LOVE ASHLEY.

Cheryl Cole is the “tortured babe”. She “confesses to pals”. And the “pals” tell the tabloids. For shame! She really cannot trust anyone. So, who is one of these pals Cheryl is confiding in?

Why, it’s one of Simon Cowell’s legion of female eyebrow wranglers. It’s Amanda Holden.

Article continues after gallery:


Picture 1 of 31

Cheryl Cole backstage at the Julien Macdonald show during London Fashion Week

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Posted: 6th, April 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comments (9)

Amanda Holden ‘Catches’ Jade Goody’s High-Profile Cancer

JADE Goody Day, formerly Mothers’ Day, approaches, and Amanda Holden wants us all to know that she “feared she’d ‘die like Jade Goody’”

What, loved by millions and lamented in a televised funeral? Don’t worry, Amanda. It’s very unlikely. But cancer is no joke and we turn to hear Holden’s tale of woe:

Britain’s Got Talent judge Amanda Holden yesterday said she feared she might die after a cancer scare. The actress, 39, was rushed to hospital when a doctor on the set of her ITV show Fantasy Lives found a lump in November.

Shells been a midwife, a singer and a self-aggrandising pain in the arse. Now she’s Jade Goody.

Jade Goody – Life In Pictures

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Posted: 11th, March 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment

How The Media Works: Daily Mail Destroys Amanda Holden

holden-pussyHOW the media works, with celebrity eyebrow wrangle Amanda Holden and the Daily Mail:

Spot the girl with a talent for staying trim – Most of us would be pretty nervous about appearing in a bikini so soon after Christmas – Daily Mail, January 20, 2010

One day later:

Amanda struggling to Holden to her glamorous looks at Britain’s Got Talent auditions

With her hair scraped back, make-up kept to a minimum and a few laughter lines allowed to show, she’s clearly reworked last year’s all-out glamour approach.

She admits she hasn’t had Botox in months, although her forehead is quite noticeably wrinkle-free – Amanda struggling to Holden to her glamorous looks at Britain’s Got Talent auditions – Daily Mail, January 20, 2010

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Posted: 19th, January 2010 | In: Reviews | Comment

Amanda Holden Rescues Katie Price To Be Alan Sugar’s 3D Apprentice Finger

katie-price-apprentice1KATIE Price is “set to star” in The Apprentice, the show that’s made Sir Alan Sugar’s pointy finger a thing of entertainment.

With Surralan’s finger and Katie nipples, this is 3D TV that makes itself. So Katie will be on the show. The Daily Star has the fact. Or as the Sun reports:

The glamour model – real name Katie Price – was introduced to Sir Alan Sugar by actress Amanda Holden at a London Christmas party. Amanda, 38, asked Lord Sugar: “Why don’t you hire Katie for one of the tasks next year?”

Katie, 31, told him: “I’m not the brightest but I know how money works.” And Lord Sugar agreed to consider her proposal, saying: “I think you’d be an asset to the show.”

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Posted: 28th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

When Katie Price Met Amanda Holden, Eyebrows Were Raised And Stayed Raised: In Pictures

KATIE Price has been promoting her range of riding clothing at the London International Horse Show, at Olympia, London. No arseless chap, metallic cowboy hats and whips. Katie wore jumper and trousers. In other Katie Price news, Amanda Holden tells News of The World readers how she met Katie Price. No, it isn’t Halloween. It was Piers Morgan’s party.

“…Katie grabs my hands and suddenly starts belting out Bryan Adams’ Heaven… A few drinks later, we’re having photos taken and Katie begins posing provocatively on the floor as if she’s on a calendar shoot. Lily Allen looks on horrified and bursts into tears. “Somebody needs to help her, this is awful to watch,” she sobs, so I put my arm around her and try to calm her down. I share Lily’s concerns, though. Before I leave, I see Katie singing to the entire room. She seems so vulnerable. I feel sad, but it’s not my place to rescue her.”

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Posted: 19th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Susan Boyle Beaten Up

susan-boyle16SUSAN Boyle Watch: In readiness for another chance to sing before Simon Cowell, this time on the X Factor, Susan Boyle tells of her mum, being beaten up and her bullying hell.

The Mirror’s front page screams: “I was beaten every day.”

By whom? Simon Cowell? Amanda Holden? JLS?

“TV sensation tells of her childhood nightmare.”

The Britain’s Got Talent star says she was lashed with a belt every day by brutal teachers and cruelly taunted by other kids. She said: “You’re looking at someone who would get the belt every day. ‘Will you Shut up, Susan!’ – whack!”

Bullying is bad, says Susan. Has she any advice?

For anybody who has that type of problem I’d tell them to see a teacher now – but I didn’t do it.

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Posted: 17th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Is Susan Boyle Pregnant In Time For Christmas 2009?

susan-boyle-cross-jesus3SUSAN Boyle to have a Christmas TV special. A panto?

Oh, no she won’t!

Oh yes she will.

Get Pebbles. Like Dick Whittington, she must  turn again for London!

Reports are that Susan will perform in front of celebrities for a festive “An Audience with Susan Boyle”.

Susan Boyle will appear before what is still called “a live studio audience” of celebs to answer questions from the likes of Amanda Holden, Cheryl Cole, Chris Biggins, Piers Morgan and (did we mention Amanda Holden?) and DJ Talent between songs?

A source tells the News of the World:

“Everyone is really excited about the show. With the huge worldwide appeal of Susan, the show could be screened right across the globe and potentially be one of the biggest ratings successes for ITV ever.”

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Posted: 19th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts | Comments (5)

Susan Boyle Album’s Bonus Track

susan-boyle13SUSAN Boyle’s new album ‘I Dream A Dream’ has hit the shops in time for Halloween (surely Christmas? –ed).

The album features a pair of tweezers, an Amanda Holden shock mask and a personal plea from Nelson Mandela for him to meet with her. And that’s not all – buy now and get a free Susan Boyle puppet stuffing kit.

The full playlist includes:

“Wild Horses”
“I Dreamed a Dream”
“Cry Me a River”
“How Great Thou Art”
“You’ll See”
“Daydream Believer”
“Up to the Mountain”
“Amazing Grace”
“Who I Was Born to Be”
“The End of the World”
“Silent Night”

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Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (10)

Susan Boyle Sings For Barbara Bush

73687422SUSAN Boyle Watch: With Amanda Holden’s dinner, Postman Pat, Simon Cowell’s gardener and meeting Barabra Bush…

Ireland On Line: “Amanda Holden has to use Susan Boyle’s name to make restaurant reservations in America.”

She said: “To get into places, whenever they asked: ‘Who is it for?’ I’d say: ‘Do you know Susan Boyle? I’m the judge on that show.’

“They would be like: ‘Oh my god! Susan Boyle!’ and we would be in.”

And Susan?

“It’s amazing – she seems to have reached every corner of the world. I don’t think she realises her fame is growing. Susan has been in a little bubble in LA making her album and probably thinks the world has forgotten about her.”

Yeah, probably. That little bubble-haired bubble of tuneful air. Pudding, Amanda?

The Sun: “Amanda Holden exclusive chat”

More from Amanda who applauded Boyle’s drudge style and then took the piss out of her on the telly.

“Piers and I went to Simon’s house in LA and he put on Susan’s new track Wild Horses. We sat around his candlelit pool with it ringing out into the dark night. I had goose pimples.”

Susan had a burger and chips.

“I expected Susan to be good – but I didn’t expect the song choice to be so genius and to suit her so well. It was a cross between Kate Bush and Barbra Streisand.”

Barbara Bush can sing? And is that brown sauce on the end of Amanda’s nose?

Burbank Leader: A print shop in California is closing its doors.

So after 41 years, PIP Burbank is closing its doors. The same week that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the recession is “very likely over,” I will be looking for a new job for the first time in 21 years…

My first reaction is sadness and disbelief. I hate to see a Burbank tradition go after all these years… My second reaction is one of panic…

But it is my third reaction that I am now concentrating on. I have decided to use this newfound “opportunity” as my Susan Boyle moment.

The Guardian: “Britain’s got gardening talent”

I have a theory that Simon Cowell may have infiltrated the RHS. It might sound far-fetched, but you have to admit there’s something more than a little X Factor or Britain’s Got Talent about its latest wheeze – the RHS Olympic Park Great British Garden Competition…

But the part that made me realise why this competition is so worthwhile was Skandan Sithamparanatham’s simple but effective wheel design entry, of which he wrote: “I am entering this competition after my geography teacher, Miss Tharlow, encouraged me to and I believe my garden could be a feature of the Olympics.” To my mind that is more inspirational than the Susan Boyle and Danyl Johnson auditions put together, and quite frankly makes me wish I’d had a better geography teacher.

The Mirror: “Postman Pat to deliver in movie role”

Children’s favourite Postman Pat is to become a 3D movie star. In the feature film, Pat will discover he has an amazing singing voice. And he has a Susan Boylestyle transformation from sleepy postie to national hero and wins a Britain’s Got Talent-type contest.

And then Judge Wendy Holden gets her kits off for a lad’s mag?

Pat, who even meets a character based on X Factor mogul Simon Cowell, is forced to choose between his rural life delivering mail and international superstardom.

And a cat…

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts | Comment (1)

Susan Boyle Sings On Alan Carr’s Chatty Man

holdenSUSAN Boyle Watch: Susan Boyle is on Channel 4, appearing with Alan Carr, the product of Eric Morecambe’s coupling with Larry Grayson.

Susan Boyle is on Channel 4, appearing with Alan Carr, the product of Eric Morecambe’s coupling with Larry Grayson.

But it turns out this is not Boyle but Amanda Holden, the woman who also appears on the Britain’s Got Talent YouTube hit in her capacity as a judge.

The Sun says this is “a cruel send-up of fragile singing sensation Susan Boyle”. And it is. It is also a cruel send up of Carr’s show that seems unable to find new material or a decent guest, and is forced to interview another self-promoting TV product about another reality TV show product.

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Posted: 14th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (84)

Susan Boyle Extends Her Sympathies To Gordon Brown

susan-boyle-nutsSUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s-at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news – featuring the madness of Susan Boyle, Gordon Brown and Britain Wot Talent?

You Scum!

Today she’s in a London psychiatric clinic, suffering from “emotional exhaustion.” Thanks to us – Lauren Beckham Falcone, Boston Herald

Turning Her Back On Fame

“She told me that after the final, she wants to come back and resume her previous life,” one of Boyle’s neighbours, 24-year-old housewife Vicky McLean, told the Mail on Sunday newspaper.

“She doesn’t want to make millions and go to America, she just wants to sing. I think all she really hopes to have out of it is enough money to buy her house”AFP

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Posted: 4th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Susan Boyle: Susan’s Imaginary Friend

susan-boyle-imaginary-friendSUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news – Susan Boyle’s imaginary friend, Simon Cowell calls and Max Clifford promises…

Daily Mirror (front page): “Simon backs Susan”


Mark Jefferies and Maggie Barry learn that Simon Cowell, the man who made Susan Boyle – and who will make from Susan Boyle – wants her to do well.

Simon Cowell has personally called Susan Boyle to tell her: “Whatever you decide, I will support you unconditionally.”

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Posted: 3rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Everton Sponsored By Britain’s Got Talent

simon-cowell-faIT’S the FA Cup Final sponsored by Britain’s Got Talent. If anyone wanted to know how meaningful the FA Cup has become, know that it now blessed by Britain’s Got Talent.

Between 14:10 and 14:18 ITV anchor man Steve Rider mentioned Britain’s Got Talent on three occasions and just what BGT means to the FA Cup.

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Posted: 30th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Susan Boyle Sings At FA Cup Final

amanda-holden-boyleIT’S FA Cup final days and that means… lots more Susan Boyle. So Susan: Chelsea or Everton?

In “HAIRY ANGEL II” the Mirror’s footy mad David Maddock puts English football’s showpiece event in context:

Fellaini’s out to show that Belgium’s got talent, too!

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Posted: 30th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Susan Boyle: Pebbles Inspires Cat Lady

susan-boyle-face3SUSAN Boyle sings Memories from Cats on Britain’s got Talent.

And at home Pebbles tunes in and knows that he not forgotten. The Cat Lady remembers.

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Posted: 25th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Susan Boyle Is Britain’s Got Talent

SUSAN Boyle appears on Britain’s Got Talent. Is she any good? Not bad. Let’s consider the facts as reported by an eager media, which might not be as talented:

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Posted: 20th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (84)

Shaheen Jafargholi Wins Britain’s Got Talent

SUSAN Boyle is old Britain’s Got Talent news; old and frumpy Britain’s Got Equal Opportunities news. The new news is Shaheen Jafargholi. He’s got pliability, likeability and the potential to lend his name to a range of hair gels – Put the Shaheen in your hair – (Max, call me), sell dreams to the pre-teens and hope to their mums.

Shaheen Jafargholi can do it all. But first things first: before he can become a star, Shaheen needs to be patronised by Hollywood shape-shifter Demi Moore.

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Posted: 20th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)