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Amy Winehouse

Posts Tagged ‘Amy Winehouse’

Amy Winehouse Dusts Herself Off With David Gest

4976930AMY WINEHOUSE was once famous for being a singer. But now the papers look for rats nesting in her hair and examine the contests of her nose like explorers crawling over the cave of Lascaux.

The Sun’s Gordon Smart lies in the gutter and waits for Amy to walk by. He duly brings us:

The runny nose, soaked top, burnt finger, dirty nails and general all-round mess is enough to tell me she’s up to her old tricks.

Smart by name, eh? For those of you not as smart as Mr Smart, the nose gazer is talking about drugs. But might it be swine flu, Gordon Smart? Spray from a donut? Nasal dandruff? As you were, Smarty, she’s coming back…

The Mail’s Jo Clements picks up her Davy Lamp and spots a “mystery substance up her nose”.

She had a wet stain on the front of her T-shirt, teary eyes, spotty red skin and traces of what looked like a mystery substance in her right nostril – and had to be helped to her car.

Says Amy’s spokesperson:

“Amy just went out to dinner with her friend Kristian [Marr], it’s as simple as that. Kristian also knows David Gest and that’s why he was there.”

Anyone who’s seen Gest might suppose he was there to make Amy look better. And is a flakey as he looks…

Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Amy Winehouse Upstages Fern Britton On Strictly Come Dancing

amy-winehouse-strictlyIT’S reality TV season and news that the BBC is trying to lure dieter Fern Britton to dance on Strictly Come Dancing.

As the Mirror says:

“BEEB LAUNCH BID TO LURE BRITTON ON TO STRICTLY”

Time for a game, then, Anorak readers. What would you us to lure Fern Britton to a TV studio?

a) Biscuits
b) Chicken madras and stuffed nan
c) Chocolate-coated Ryvita
d) Kiwi lothario Brendan Cole
e) Terry Waite’s urine

The answer is… d. Yes, the waxy Cole “has been offered as her Strictly dance partner”.

And lest you be unimpressed that a TV presenter who is no longer presenting should want to appear on the BBC, the Mirror trills:

A studio source said: “Fern is a major coup.

“Producers have been wooing her for some time but it is only in the last few days talks have really progressed. Brendan was lined-up to dance with Jo Wood but now bosses have offered him to Fern as bait. Fern is bound to get lots of attention and they believe he’s the guy most equipped to handle it.”

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Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Amy Winehouse Talks To Blake Through Her Pussy

pussy1AMY Winehouse is communicating with Blake Fielder-Civil via her pussy… cat. Yes, we know it’s smutty, but we’re still in mourning for Mrs Slocombe. And like her, Amy Winehouse has turned into a cat lady.

Reports are that Winehouse is speaking to Blaaaaaake on Facebook through her cat Shirley’s profile.

The Sun has more:

AMY WINEHOUSE has set up a Facebook profile pretending to be her cat as a way of keeping in secret contact with BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL.

Who’s to say Winehouse’s not channelling Shirley? Take enough drugs and even the kitchen units speak to you.

Currently appearing in rehab, Blake can hear the cat talking to him. “There could only be one winner,” says Shirley. “She’s with me now.”

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Posted: 14th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Michael Jackson’s Buried With Eco-Friendly Lyrics

jackson-faceMICHAEL Jackson Watch: Michael Jackson on Lupus & MJ, Jackson’s ghost talks to Winehouse, Omer Bhatti and his “eco-friendly lyrics”. What does Michael Jackson mean for your vested interest?

NJ.Com: “Omer Bhatti says he’s NOT Michael Jackson’s son and his mom was not MJ’s lover

Jackson did  not have one-night stand with a grown woman?

Unfolding like a line out of the song Billie Jean, Omer Bhatti has come forward to say his mom Pia was not Michael Jackson’s lover and he isn’t the lovechild the media has made him out to be.

Instead, Bhatti is now telling the press that he was given a front row seat at Jackson’s funeral earlier this month because he was “Michael’s best friend” and “like a son to him”-not because his mother had an affair with the pop star in 1984.

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Posted: 27th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Blake Fielder Civil Saw Amy Winehouse ‘Die’, In Pictures

7580172AS Blake Fiedler-Civil tells tabloid readers “AMY ‘DIED’ IN MY ARMS”, and joins his name to the list of Great British literary drug addicts, we hear from that other man in Winehouse’s life, her dad Mitch.

A source tells us about a Mitch Winehouse album:

“Mitch has been working on it for a while now. Amy always credits her dad with getting her into singing. He loves music. He has a good voice and wants a go at turning professional.”

As a London cabbie, one used to negotiating visible air, Mitch surely has the lungs to inhale pop stardom. The chatter is of Mitch singing Frank Sinatra tunes. But how genuine is this story?

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Posted: 27th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Amy Winehouse In Court Assault In Pictures

7617847AMY Winehouse arrives at Westminster Magistrates Court in central London, to stand trial on a charge of assault.

Heady days for the Celebrity Police Force, who have only recently added a picture of Steven Gerrard to their canteen walls.

Winehouse v Gerrard. It will be huge.

Posted: 23rd, July 2009 | In: Reviews | Comments (13)


Amy Winehouse To Launch New Sherbet Perfume

dib-dab-winehouseHANDS up who wants to smell like Amy Winehouse? The Daily Star reports that Wino may be soon available in bottle form:

“Grubby Amy Winehouse is chasing a big-money deal to launch her own perfume… Amy’s dad Mitch, 58, has been trying to set up a deal for the ex-junkie, who is back from an eight-month stay in St Lucia.”

Ah, the smell of Winehouse. Anorak can confide that right now a team of scrape-ologists are relieving the Winehouse sheets of their top layer of detritus and distilling the composite flakes with Lemon Chewit and a dash of secret ingredient “X”, a tincture obtainable for Matt the Talc’s lock-up, Kentish Town.

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Posted: 22nd, July 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Michael Jackson Planned Amy Winehouse Duet

3061899MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Michael Jackson’s duet with Amy Winehouse, his London tribute to Peter Doherty, and police hunt for Brit in London – Britney Spears? 

Star On Sunday: “Jacko Cops hunt Brit”

Brit? Britney! Britney Spears?!

AMERICAN police were targeting London last night in a bid to solve the riddle of Michael Jackson’s death.

London, Britney’s tamed Yorkshire terrier?

Detectives from the Los Angeles Police Department are ready to spend six months hunting down the doctors who kept the star pumped full of dodgy medication over the last 25 years.

And how do Britney Spears and London Spears fit in with this?

They are especially keen to question people close to Jackson when he was “spaced out” and “stumbling” while staying at the Lanesborough Hotel near London’s Hyde Park last March.

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Posted: 19th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)


Amy Winehouse Banned From Swimming

amy-winehouseAMY Winehouse has been “banned” from swimming in the pool at the Caribbean resort where she currently resides.

Reasons as to why barefoot, reforming drug-addled, post-Blaaaaaaake Winehouse has been banned from dipping in the shared pool may not be immediately obvious.

So the Sun offers an explanation:

Bosses at the Cotton Bay complex in St Lucia were worried by Wino’s latest habit of going swimming after marathon boozing sessions. They feared she was going to drown so barred the singer from the pool for her own safety.

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Posted: 3rd, July 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Michael Jackson Bought Drugs As Jack London, Omar Arnold, Barack Obama And Pete Doherty

michael-jackson-drugsMICHAEL Jackson Watch: TMZ reports that Michael Jackson frequently used the names Omar Arnold and Jack London to get powerful drugs, including Demerol”.

Anorak hears rumours that Jackson also used the names Neda Soltan, Neda Soltani, Madeleine McCann, Manchester United, Cristiano Ronaldo (that enough?), Secret Sex Video, Angelina Jolie Naked (the SEO says keep going), Brad Pitt, Barack Obama and Prince Harry Windsor. (Enough, this isn’t the Liverpool Post, The Guardian or Habitat.)

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Posted: 2nd, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Robbie Williams In Raffles Crime Caper

robbie-williamROBBIE Williams is being quizzed by the armed department of the Celebrity Police Force (CPF).

The Sun, which leads with this news, says the quiz centres on “this photo”, a picture which shows a wet Williams wearing a blue life jacket while smoking a cigarette.

The crimes are all too obvious, but what of the quiz?

ROBBIE Williams is being quizzed by police probing an armed robbery carried out by three thugs.

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Posted: 25th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Amy Winehouse Honoured In St Lucia

amy-winehouse-graphSO clean is St Lucia – named after patron saint of the blind (drunk) – that Amy Winehouse is making the place look untidy. And she must leave.

Jeff Fedee, a former Governor of St Lucia, writes in the St. Lucia Star newspaper:

I would strongly urge she be denied residency status to purchase property in St. Lucia. Is she being given special treatment? She’d be a menace and a dangerous influence to our society because the demons that inhabit her tortured body will have to be fed.”

There be demons!

Amy Winehouse is a “tattooed reptile“.

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Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Amy Winehouse Drinks Herself Blind

amy-winehouseWE interrupt this transmission of Amy Winehouse’s residency in a St Lucia bar to bring news of Amy Winehouse’s “concerned mother”, who has “has opened up about her daughter’s battle with addiction” on a TV show.

Says Janis Winehouse, for it is she:

“The need to rescue her is enormous. I just want her to be okay and I would do whatever it took to make that right.”

Well, talking about Amy’s condition to tabloid telly should relieve the pressure and make her want to come home.

“Amy is in denial all the time. She probably feels trapped, her body is trapping her.”

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Posted: 17th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)


Susan Boyle Sings At Demi Moore’s Wedding

demi-susan-boyleSUSAN Boyle is out of The Priory and it’s on with Part III of the plan to see if you can milk a Hairy Angel?

In “SUE MUCH BETTER”, the Mirror’s Mark Jefferies says,

“BOYLE LEAVES THE PRIORY TO BE REUNITED WITH HER PRECIOUS CAT.”

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Posted: 5th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)


Winehouse Booed In Rainy St Lucia

amy_winehouse1HAVING seen Amy Winehouse perform, Anorak can confirm the audience at her comeback performance in St Lucia was made up of:

People looking to score dugs – 37 %
Journalists and the recently institutionalised – 16 %
Worried mums – 23%
Masochists – the rest

So Winehouse takes to the stage at the St Lucia Jazz Festival and performs as expected – shambolicly – but leaves some of the crowd who were expecting more – more swearing and Amy to pass out on stage screaming for Blaaaaaaaake – booing and hissing.

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Posted: 9th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Amy Winehouse Buried In St Lucia

amy-winehouse-holeOVERLOOKED for a judge’s berth on Britain’s Got Talent, Amy Winehouse is instead experiencing Caribbean heath care, having collapsed at her holiday villa.

So what happened to her?

A spokesman explains:

“Amy fainted after being out in the sun and without drinking water.”

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Posted: 2nd, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


The Amy Winehouse Barbie Doll

barbie-tattosBARBIE is 50 years of age, and having been reworked in much plastic, the super-skinny role model for millions of mums and daughters, and some sons and dads (you know who you are), takes a break from eating – she’s mad for food! – to get some tattoo ink, like Amy Winehouse.

It’s the Amy Winehouse Middle-Aged Crisis Barbie Doll.

Enjoy the video. It is beyond parody.

And loo out for: the reporter on the wings (nothing creepy there), the bearded inkologist called Michael Hair (nominative determinalism) and a report trying to eke sensation from a sticker by way of medical expert opinion and worried mums. 

Video:

50 Things You Never Knew About Barbie

The Most Bizarre And Worst Celebrity Dolls Ever Made

The Susan Boyle Barbie Doll

Posted: 30th, April 2009 | In: Money | Comments (2)


Jade Goody’s Jack Tweed Is On Suicide Watch

BERFORE we get to the news that “Fragile” Jack Tweed, Mr Jade Goody, is on “suicide lag wing”, we introduce Sun scribes JAMES CLENCH and ANDY CRICK to nominative determinalism.

Clench and Crick tell us:

FRAGILE Jack Tweed has been locked in a tough jail’s secure hospital wing to protect him from hard-case lags, we can reveal. Bosses at Chelmsford Prison have put the terrified 21-year-old in a single cell alongside inmates on suicide watch amid fears he will be targeted.

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Posted: 16th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)


Harry Potter Actor Arrested For Drugs

HARRY Potter actor Jamie Waylett, aka Hogwarts pupil Vincent Crabbe, has been arrested after police allegedly found cannabis worth £2,000 in his bedroom.

Waylett caught the eye of London’s Celebrity Police Service suspicion when he was driving about the city in a “car”.

To his home in Camden North London, and failing to spot Amy Winehouse or even Peter Doherty, the CPS make do with nicking Waylett and confiscating, as is alleged, ten mature cannabis plants valued at around £2,000.

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Posted: 8th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)


The Most Bizarre And Worst Celebrity Dolls Ever Made

BARBIE is 50 this year and Anorak brings you the 50 Things You Never Knew About Barbie. But Barbie is not the only celebrity doll. There have been others. And Anorak brings you the strangest, least-deserving, most bizarre and downright odd celebrity dolls ever – enjoy:

Karl Lagerfeld, Angelina Jolie, Ann Coulter, Bill Clinton, Bindi Irwin, Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Caylee Anthony, Charles Dickens, Diane Ross, Donald Trump, Drew Carey, Albert Einstein, Elton John,George Bush, Hillary Clinton, Hugh Hefner, Jennifer Lopez (NSFW), Jerry Springer, Jesus, John Travolta, Kelly Osbourne, Laura Bush, Lemme,Lindsay Lohan, Nirvana, The One, OJ, Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton,Princess Diana, Rosie O’Donnell (Barbie!), Sarah Palin (schoolgirl), Nicolas Sarkozy voodoo, Seth Godin, Snoop Dogg, Suzanne Somers (with thighs!), Sonny, Steve Irwin, Timberlake and Jackson, Tom Cruise, Tori Spelling, Vanilla Ice, Victoria Silvstedt, William Shakepeare action figure, Winston Churchill.

Karl Lagerfeld’s Credit Crunch Survival Tips.

Posted: 3rd, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


That Amy Winehouse Press Conference

THAT Amy Winehouse press conference in full…

Amy Winehouse Serenades Jade Goody

Spotter: Best Week Ever

Posted: 17th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Amy Winehouse Serenades Jade Goody

AMY Winehouse has been away. No, not collared by the Celebrity Police Service. Winehouse has been away in the Caribbean.

While you were watching Jade Goody, Winehouse returned to Blighty, to shows Brits what we’ve been missing by pleading not guilty to assaulting a dancer called Sherene Flash in central London last year.

It is rumoured that after the alleged offence, Wino did then fall to the floor performing her trademark impression of a hairdressing junior’s sweepings and screamed Blaaaaake.

Winehouse appeared at Westminster magistrates court to deny the charge. The press looks at the case of Amy Jade Civil. She pleads: not guilty.

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Posted: 17th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)


Amy Winehouse Lashes Out, Blke Awaits And Shagging The Gherkin

AMY Winehouse, that painted Helen Shapiro-Alma Cogan hybrid, is back in Blighty.

And she’s straight to the recording studio to belt out a new hit, lay down some tracks and give full throat to line after line after line of fat stuff.

And what about that belter? Well, he’s not been identified, but the Sun says Winehouse lashed out at him for “giving her the eye”.

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Posted: 2nd, March 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Naked Lily Allen Engages Perez Hilton PR

LILY Allen and celebrity blogger and wannabe celebrity Perez Hilton are engaged in a spot of online PR.

The shtick is simple: one party bad mouths the other. The target responds. The PR conducts all.

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Posted: 18th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Amy Winehouse In Drugs Island, For The Record

AMY Winehouse is on the move. The Sun says Amy is going to Jamaica – “Isle of Druggies”.

The paper says it’s a change of scenery, as Amy swaps the turquoise waters and bougainvillea of St Lucia for a cracked ceiling in Kingston.

Culture Me: Jamaica is “The Caribbean island where illegal drugs are known to be widely available.”

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Posted: 3rd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (36)