Simon Cowell Is Sick And Anton Du Beke Gives You Cancer

SIMON Cowell is “SICK”. And the X Factor is in “CRISIS”.

As other papers rant on about the Strictly Come Dancing Race Row (“Anton Du Beke is a garlic-munching surrender monkey” – Sun; “What did your grandpa do in the war?” – Express; “Anton du Berk gives you cancer” – Mail), the Star sticks with the X Factor news.

SIMON Cowell is in a race against time to appear on the X Factor’s first live final show after falling ill. He is laid up at home in pain and is battling to get well in time for tomorrow night.

If Simon can’t be there to offer his opinion, the fear is that the show will have to find another judge – and with only Kerry Katona and Mr Blobby available, this is indeed a crisis. The Star goes on:

The judge has also been banned from seeing the lads he is mentoring – Jamie Archer, 34, Olly Murs, 25, and Danyl Johnson, 27 – in case he spreads his germs.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Strictly Come Dancing ‘Paki’ Row: Simon Cowell Pushes Anton Du Beke Through A Hole In The Wall

MORE on the Strictly Come Dancing race row as Laila Rouass tells of her “Race Jibe Agony” at the cruel mouth and hairy hands of Anton Du Beke, aka Tony Beak, featuring special guest star X Factor’s Simon Cowell.

The story so far:

Rouass arrives from a spray tan session:

ADB: Oh my God, you look like a Paki!”
Rousass: Agog.
ADB: I must say immediately and categorically that I am not a racist and that I do not use racist language.

Apart from when he, er, does.

Now to the breaking news. The Mirror’s Nicola Methven says Rouass was “comforted by Simon Cowell after Anton Du Beke’s comments”.

This is the Saturday night cross-pollination we’ve been hoping for, a little X Factor hype injected into po-faced Strictly, literally (right , Dermot Leary?). Methven has more:

It was the biggest, glitziest showbiz party of the year – and Laila Rouass had been looking forward to it for weeks. But suddenly the Strictly Come Dancing star just couldn’t face it.

She was devastated after learning that dance partner Anton Du Beke’s comments – in which he branded her a “P***” – were to be made public.

So here’s Simon to, er, comfort:

And all she wanted to do was go home and bury her face in a pillow.

Oh, come on readers you love a bit of smut and innuendo. It’s the staple of Saturday entertainment nights past, present and future.

But first, out of politeness, she tearfully rang her friend, X Factor boss Simon Cowell, to explain why she couldn’t make it to his 50th birthday bash.

Saddened and shocked to hear that her being called a Paki was made public by someone mysterious – any guesses? – we read that Rouass made a private phone call to Simon Cowell. Go on:

She poured out her heart – and immediately found a shoulder to cry on. The music mogul listened sympathetically, offering words of comfort and advice. Finally he persuaded her that there was nothing she could do about the situation – so she may as well come along to the do.

And it all made its way into the papers.

Meanwhile, over at the BBC’s GollyWog Commission a small gonk says:

“It’s done and dusted now, and a line has been drawn under the whole matter. Laila has forgiven Anton and that’s what really matters. He is utterly mortified and realises it was a totally unacceptable thing to say. But it has been put down to silly banter that went too far. Anton has offered a full apology and they are both happy to leave it at that.”

Du Beak is no ordinary toe-tapper, and has presented the daytime BBC One series Step up to the Plate, a appearanced on BBC One’s Celebrity Star Spell, Test The Nation, Celebrity The Weakest Link, Question of Sport Christmas Special and Graham Norton’s Big Finish, competed in the BBC Two series Underdogs and can now be seen fronting Hole In The Wall.

The BBC is protecting a man it has invested a lot of money in. Well, not a lot of money, just enough to cover the raw ingredients on a daytime cooking show, a mop and a mini cab.

The big question, though, is what’s going to happen to Hole In The Wall though, the show Anton du Beke faces?

Well, after a crisis meeting at the BBC, the show will go on. And we have exclusive pictures of the new set. What could possibly go wrong..?

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Strictly Come Dancing: Alesha Dixon’s Death Threats

STRICTLY Come Dancing youngest magistrate Alesha Dixon has been “axed”.

It’s drastic. But nine out of ten dance fans writing on the BBC’s message boards did want Dixon dead, and the national’ broadcaster lacks relevancy if it cannot deliver what the viewers want.

And the killing of Alseha Dixon gets the BBC off the hook, allowing producers to cut their losses with the reviled Dixon and create the kind of sympathetic back story the show needs.

There are rumours of the dancers and celebrities fighting over which of them could wield the axe – dancer Anton du Beke said he needed to win back the public after his Paki outburst and Phil Tufnell was keen to squash rumours of his being a joker and not taking the dance show seriously.

As for the gore:

STRICTLY Come Dancing judge Alesha Dixon will be replaced by sacked Arlene Phillips for the show’s live tour.

As a BBC source puts it:

A BBC spokesman said: “Alesha has prior commitments.”

Dance fans may recalls that New magazine told us back in September that the former judge is being considered in case, er, Kate Thornton is unavailable.

Of course, the real reason why Dixon can’t attend is not because she’s dead nor less than keen to spend a summer sat in provincial halls and piers watching Ricky Whittle undo his buttons, but because she is scared to leave her front door and will be forced to flee to the Maldives…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Prince Harry Appears On Strictly Come Dancing

IT’S the “Strictly Come Dancing Race Row”, starring “FURIOUS Strictly celeb Laila Rouass” and Anton Du Beke. And him, Prince Harry.

Rouass “was so stunned when her dance partner called her a ‘Paki’ she could only walk away, the News of the World can reveal.”

Fresh from the tanologist’s salons, Rouass arrives to dance:

Du Beke…told Laila, 38 – whose mum is Indian and dad is Moroccan: “Oh my God, you look like a Paki.”

Anorak

Posted: 4th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)