Anorak

ashley cole | Anorak

Posts Tagged ‘ashley cole’

Ashley Cole will ‘snub’ Arsenal to help Chelsea kids understand greed

The Evening Standard reports that LA Galaxy defender Ashley Cole, 35, “says he wants to work for Chelsea after his playing career is over rather than Arsenal.”

It would take a touch of lunacy for Arsenal to offer Cole a job, presumably one tutoring young players in the way of modern football. As he says:

“I enjoy scouting, watching the young lads come through. I have done a little for my agent, but I’d like to do something a bit more serious. I’d love to go back to work at Chelsea somewhere, somehow.”

It was Cole, of course, who provided the words that more than any others sum up the greed rife in modern football. In My Defence, Cole wrote:

“Ash! Are you listening?” said a virtually hyperventilating Jonathan [his agent]. “I’m here in the office and David Dein is saying they aren’t going to give you £60k a week. They’ve agreed £55k and this is their best and final offer. Are you happy with that?”

When I heard Jonathan repeat the figure of £55k, I nearly swerved off the road. “He is taking the piss, Jonathan!” I yelled down the phone. I was so incensed. I was trembling with anger. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard.”

All yours, Chelsea. (Best to sort of Ashley’s fee first, though.)

 

Posted: 20th, August 2016 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Chelsea, Sports | Comment (1)


TV Stripper Tells Of Magical Nights In Ashley Cole’s Chelsea-Themed Vomitorium

Roxanne ashley cole

IT turns out that the way to seduce Ashley Cole is not offer him a deal for a lucrative marriage nor  write ‘puke here‘ on your face but to compliment his feet.

Roxanne Jeffers says she pulled the Chelsea FC defender by sayiong she liked his feet. Cole had posted a picture of his feet on the web. The Daily Mail reports: “The model got in touch with Ashley when she commented on how ‘cute’ his feet were after he posted a snap of them on Instagram.  The Chelsea and England defender was so flattered he invited the 24-year-old beauty to the £3.5million home he once shared with Cheryl.”

That’s how much Ashley likes his feet.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 3rd, November 2013 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Sports | Comment


In the celebrity Petri Dish with Kelly Brook, Cheslea’s Ashley Cole, Danny Cipirani and Katie Price fan Jemma Henley

article-2050457-0E6D3C6E00000578-686_468x702READERS may recall the name Jemma Henley from the Daily Mail’s story “Ashley Cole’s ‘three-month affair’ with a contestant on Katie Price’s model show”.

The mother-of-three has said of her protegee: ‘She has fierce model written all over her.”

Well, you pick your surgeons and tattoo artists and you take your chances.

You may also recall her Jemma from a 2005 TV about  US Brat Camps and this 2011 report in the Oxford Mail:

A FORMER wild child teenager whose behaviour shocked TV viewers has marked turning her life around by getting a tattoo of her idol… the 22-year-old, who was expelled from five schools but has since posed for Nuts, Zoo, Maxim and Loaded, has had a full-length portrait of Jordan tattooed on her right arm.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 29th, September 2013 | In: Celebrities, Sports | Comment


Ashley Cole’s mum says City fans who hit Manchester United’s Ferdinand is an inhuman thing?

DID Ashley Cole’s mum and brother really post “Facebook messages LAUGHING over the coin attack which could have blinded Rio Ferdinand”? The Manchester United defender who called Cole a “chock ice”, had been hit by a 2p coin tossed by a Manchester City fan.

The Sun picks on the news that Ashley’s brother Matthew, 30, appears to have noted:

“So happy Rio got hit in the face today when he tried to give it kissing his badge!! Straight in the eye!! Made my day.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 11th, December 2012 | In: Sports | Comment


Ian Wright begs us to like weak-minded Ashley Cole and respect authority

TIME for our occasional look at the Sun’s writings of former England, Crystal Palace, Arsenal and West Ham footballer Ian Wright.

When the Andrew Mitchell pleb gate-gate row was on the Sun’s front page days after day, Wright told readers:

IN football, we have a campaign called Respect. It’s a code of conduct for players and managers aimed at stamping out abuse aimed at referees. Tory MP Andrew Mitchell clearly needs to learn some respect after his outburst at police officers…

We need to show the police force respect. This is absolutely vital, especially in these times….

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 10th, October 2012 | In: Sports | Comments (3)


In praise of Ashley Cole – he’s right about Terry, the FA and Shearer

CAN we now all agree to like Ashley Cole? The Chelsea player was the one person we can say was racially abused in the ongoing saga of the FA versus John Terry. Rio Ferdinand called Cole a “choc-ice“.

Terry, of course, uttered the words “fucking black cunt” in the direction of QPR’s Anton Ferdinand. Westminster magistrates ruled that Terry, who said his words were sarcastic, had committed no criminal offence. Still, the FA said Terry was not a racist but had said racist things. He was guilty of unwitting racism, fined and banned.

The FA wants us to get the moral message. Sod the law. Sod actual racism. We need to be educated. Clive Efford MP, Labour’s Shadow Sports Minister, agrees:

“Notwithstanding the fact that the court has found him not guilty, the language he used has no place on any football pitch in any context whatsoever…The FA must now reinforce confidence in that approach, restate their complete commitment to stamping out racism and build on the work that has been done to date, to send the message to every member of our society that racism in any form cannot be tolerated.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 8th, October 2012 | In: Sports | Comments (2)


The Twitter hunt for ‘racist’ Steve @Lapwnge: Ashley Cole and Ashley Young must be avenged

THERE was little racism in evidence at the Euro 2012 Championships in The Ukraine and Poland. The BBC and the tabloids had warned England fans about neo-Nazi gangs waiting to murder blacks, Asians and Jews. In “Anarchy in the Ukraine – ‘Nazi’ militia train yobs to fight our fans“, the Sun showed us local thugs rehearsing for murder with wooden knives. But Ashley Young’s family sat in the stands for England’s match with Italy came home not in coffin, as Sol Campbell told BBC viewers black fans might, but on the smart seats of a passenger plane.

The message was clear: we will not tolerate those uncultured (Daniel Pudsey writing for the LSE) East Europeans living in a backward land notorious for its extremist yobs (Sun) with endemic racism (Daily Mail).

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 26th, June 2012 | In: Key Posts, Sports, Technology | Comment


Chelsea’s Ashley Cole Accused Of Attacking Clubber: What Would Cheryl Think?

CHELSEA footballer and former Mr Cheryl Cole has “attacked” a “clubber“.

The Star’s Stone Age headline for a modern man appears above the news that:

“Ashley Cole was caught on CCTV throwing a wild punch at a football fan in a late-night bust up.”

Cole is alleged to have uttered the time-honoured enjoiner:

“Do you know who the f*** I am?”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 27th, November 2011 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Rioters Who Look Like Famous People: ‘Barack Obama’, ‘Mariah Carey’ and ‘Ashley Cole’ Caught On Camera

WHEN they come to make the film of the London, Manchester and Birmingham riots, Macaulay Culkin, James Franco, Mariah Carey, Eva Longoria, Barack Obama, Ray Winstone and Cheslea footballer Ashley Cole are shoo-ins for the lead roles. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is on catering. Anorak presents the looting lookalikes – rogues gallery of people who might be famous…

looter-barack-obama

Posted: 15th, August 2011 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism | Comment (1)


Ashley Cole ‘Cheats’ On Cheryl With Kerry Meades: Photos

ASHLEY Cole fetches his ex-wife and current lover Cheryl Cole a cup of tea and an ironed ciggie. And the rest of us read the Mirror’s news that the Chelsea footballer allegedly shagged one Kerry Meades in Los Angeles – “just days before he flew back to London to seal his reunion with Cheryl with a passionate public kiss at her 28th birthday party.”

The Mirror calls her testimony a “devastating account”. Devastating for whom? For Cheryl Cole – a woman Ashley allegedly cheated on with loadsa women, including, famously, vomit-fuelled sex with a hairdresser? For Ashley? For us?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 17th, July 2011 | In: Sports | Comments (4)


Ashley Cole Services Cheryl In The Bath (Photos)

CHERLY Cole and Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole are back together. The nation sweetheart’s search for another “Cole” to match her neck tattoo proved futile. George Cole (too old), Ole King Cole (too gay) and Cole Porter (too dead) were not right, or too busy to get with Chezza.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 15th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Cheryl Cole And Ashley Cole Reunite For The Big One: The His ‘n’ Hers Perfume Contract

VOMITOUS Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole wants to tell us that he is back with Cherly Cole, that woman on whom all manner of non existence attributes have been doused. Well, a pal does. As reported in the Daily Star, sister organ to OK! magazine in whose pages Ash and Chez first married:

He told pals: “I’m going to marry Cheryl again – it’s what we both want… I just wish people would judge me more on football – more than on a life that people don’t really know…

“If I wanted to address every single thing in the papers I’d lose my mind. It makes me crazy now when I hear things. But you’ve just got to deal with it. I’m just here to play football.”

Brilliant stuff, there from the man who sold his wedding to a showbiz mag, wrote about his life in an unintentionally hilarious book called My DEfence, in which he revealed (thanks, Ash, for giving us the chance to use this again):

One call changed everything about how I viewed and felt about Arsenal. “Ash! Are you listening?” said a virtually hyperventilating Barnett. “I’m here in the office and David Dein is saying they aren’t going to give you £60k a week. They’ve agreed £55k and this is their best and final offer. Are you happy with that?” I nearly swerved off the road. “He is taking the piss, Jonathan!” I yelled down the phone. I was so incensed, I was trembling with anger. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 5th, July 2011 | In: Sports | Comments (4)


Cheryl Cole And Ashley’s Pregnancy Is Proof Of God’s Love For Humanity: Photos

CHERLY Cole (a “nation’s sweetheart” who failed to be the “nations’ sweetheart”) and Ashley Cole (Chelsea and England footballer allegedly into kinky vomit-fuelled sex (see photos below)) are having a baby. Just two national newspapers lead with the news:

“We want kids together,” announces the Daily Mirror.

“Cheryl & Ash’s baby love,” says the Daily Star.

As Anorak raiders know, TV psychic Derek Acorah relayed news from the spirt world that 2011 would be the year of the Little Cole. It thus followed that the Cole Baby would be confirmation of life after death.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 4th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)


Cheryl Cole Does Lap Dance For Ashley Cole: Mum Joan Approves (Photos)

CHERLY Cole and Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole have proven life after death – and now they prove their love for one another at Chezza’s 28th birthday party>

A source tells the NoTW:

“Cheryl even did a sexy lap dance for Ashley and stroked his face. But the clincher came when Ashley’s fiercest critic, Cheryl’s mum Joan, took him by the hand and led him over to her daughter. That was the final seal of approval.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 2nd, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Cheryl Cole And Ashley Cole’s Baby Proves There Is Life After Death (Photos)

CHERLY Cole is back with Ashley Cole and minds return to TV psychic Derek Acorah. In February 2010, he saw visions of Cheryl Cole and her Chelsea footballer. He told us what a spirit guide had told him:

“Before the end of 2010, Cheryl and Ashley will be committed to a baby. It will be born in 2011.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 1st, July 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)


Cheryl Cole And Ashley To Mate In Josef Fritzl’s Old House After Boating Serial Killer Strikes

DID you know that Cheryl Cole is in fear for her life? The Daily Star does. It says on its front page that the woman now back with Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole is in danger:

“CHERYL FEARS FOR HER LIFE”

Like us, you cynics think the Star is about to report on how Chezza is fearful of losing her lifestyle. But you’d be wrong. The Star pushes the envelope of fact and fiction. Laura Neil tells us:

CHERYL COLE has cancelled a holiday with ex-husband Ashley after learning a serial killer is on the loose.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 27th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)


Reunited With Ashley, Cheryl Cole’s Vagina Rides The Door Knob Of Love: Pregnancy, Photos And A Career BOAST

CHERLY Cole has moved back in with Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole – back into their big house in Surrey. It’s the six-bedroom Georgian property near Godalming the Coles paid £3.55 million for. The place is called… Hurtmore. It was called Hurtmore before “nation’s sweetheart” Cheryl and her flying fists moved in.

And who can hurt more that Our Chezza? Ever since Cheryl punched a black toilet attendant in the face, her core brand values have been hurting and caring. As she watched adolescents sob on the X Factor and squashed their dreams by saying these amateur singers were not good enough to be the next Cheryl Cole, her brand of caring has been force fed to the masses in much the same way geese buy into the foie gras industry.

Cheryl Cole did not fight for her love to Ashley because it was not a love worth fighting for. So, some shock to read in the NoTW:

DEFIANT Cheryl Cole has confessed she’s still in love with serial love rat Ashley and told him: “I should never have divorced you.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 26th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Cheryl Cole Moves In With Ashley Before Quitting The UK (Photos)

CHERYL Cole has moved back in with Ashley Cole. Can it be that the nation’s sweetheart with the fists of fury (and love) and doggy tattoo is once more with her former husband, the pukacious (surely rich? ed) Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole?

The News of the World says the ex-X Factor judge has “spent the night with him at the £5million marital home in Godalming, Surrey“. The headline thunders:

“CHERYL MOVES BCK IN WITH ASH”

As ever, these super-injunction thing newspapers use an unnamed source to fill in the gaps:

“They were saying what a special night it was. They were mucking about like old times just playing pool, smoking and having a few drinks. There wasn’t any awkwardness between the two of them and they seemed very comfortable together.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 19th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)


Is Cheryl Cole Dating Steve Jones In Moist Publicity Stunt?

SINCE Cheryl Cole split with that dastardly greed-monger, Ashley Cole, she’s been somewhat billed as some kind of forlorn, sexless damsel, just looking for anyone, ANYONE to make her happy.

Of course, there were rumours that she was bumping her uglies with Derek Hough, but no-one can fully embrace the notion that he’s straight, so that didn’t run like it may’ve. There’s also will.i.am, but no-one honestly believes that he has any genitalia at all.

And so, while Cheryl is away backcombing her hair in America, and feeling all homesick, she’s apparently bunked-up with X Factor USA host, Steve Jones. That’s right. Steve Jones. Former T4 presenter and man so handsome that he makes armchairs aroused.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Ashley Cole Steps Out With Casey Paul, Star Of Bikini Beach (Photos)

ASHLEY Cole, the hated-by-media England legend who was once married to “national treasure” Cheryl Cole (one of them has had a police record – can you guess which?) has stepped out with “chundering Casey Paul”.

The NoTW has a photo of Casey apparently vomiting out of Cole’s car, which has been pulled over and the back door opened. Cole is not in the car. He has, as the report says, arranged for Casey to be driven to his home. For reasons unspecified, a photographer follows the car.

The NoTW says:

How does a girl feel after a date with rat Ashley?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 20th, March 2011 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


Chelsea Beat Manchester United: Ashley Cole Does Not Shoot

CHELSEA beat Manchester United in the Premier League. And Ashley Cole did not shoot…

Ashley Cole Shoots A Poor Student At Chelsea: John Terry Unharmed

10293831

Picture 1 of 7

Manchester United fans hold up a banner for Chelsea's Ashley Cole saying 'Ashley Dont Shoot'

Posted: 1st, March 2011 | In: Sports | Comment


Ashley Cole Shoots A Poor Student At Chelsea: John Terry Unharmed

ASHLEY Cole has, allegedly, shot a man. Given his prowess in front of goal for Chelsea and England, you might suppose Cole shot and missed. But no. The NoTW says he hit Tom Cowan, a 21-year-old “student” on a work placement with Chelsea.

Cole, reportedly, was messing about with the .22 gun at Chelsea’s training ground. Cowan was 5ft away when the gun went off.

The paper says “blood [was] pouring from his side”.

In case you were uncertain where your sympathies should lie, readers are told:

On Wednesday injured Tom – who earns only a tiny fraction of Cole’s wages in his work placement role – was asked to attend a three-hour meeting with anxious Chelsea officials in the office of assistant first team coach Bruno Demichelis.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 26th, February 2011 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (3)


Chery Cole And Ashley Cole’s Baby Will Be Born In 2011: Best Prediction Of 2010?

PREDICTIONS are lots of fun. But it might be best to leave it to the professional, like TV psychic Derek Acorah. In February 2010, he saw visions of Cheryl Cole and her Ashley Cole. Caitlin Moran quotes him thus:

“Before the end of 2010, Cheryl and Ashley will be committed to a baby. It will be born in 2011.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 31st, December 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Wayne Rooney And Rebecca Hayes’ No Sex Stag Night: Photos

SARAH Tetteh did not have sex with Wayne Rooney in a toilet. And neither did Rebecca Hayes. Finding women who haven’t had sex with Wayne Rooney is proving to be pretty easy for the Mirror.

Tetteh is the paper’s 3am Girl who says she was invited to join Wayne in the bogs. Hayes is the air stewardess who claims Rooney tried to shag her on his Stag Do.

Her no sex with Rooney is the Mirror’s front-page news. The headline is “ROO SWINE”.

Hayes says that while on his Stag do in 2008, Rooney was “really nice” but then she found him “lecherous and flirty”.

Tetteh told us:

“Don’t you know that everyone is looking, Wayne. Let’s just dance.” And when he realised I wasn’t budging he just continued weaving on the dancefloor, leaving us in hysterics.

Wayne is funny and “nice”. He also scores for England. Rooney continues to be presented as likeable and a down-to-earth bloke with a god-given talent who may have shagged a prostitute and who despite his wealth and fame finds it hard to pull.

As Anorak reader CoolAndCalm puts it:

why does this apply to Wayne Rooney and not to Ashley Cole? all the pundits agreed that Cole was the best player throughout the World Cup yet still he is castigated across the media and by the jeering crowds.

Both are cheating rats but it seems its a far greater sin to cheat on the ethereal St Cheryl of Malaria than it is to cheat on the relatively normal Coleen.

Ashley = love rat
Wayne = one of the lads

The cult of celebrity 2010

Maybe, the tabloids just prefer our footballers who white and not that good looking because they better gel with the readers?

Tabloids Link Wayne Rooney’s Alleged Shag Jennifer Thompson To Ashley Cole

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 8th, September 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Tabloids Link Wayne Rooney’s Alleged Shag Jennifer Thompson To Ashley Cole

JENNIFER Thompson did not travel with Wayne Rooney to Switzerland. But the Manchester United player did score (geddit?).

The Mail says Thompson shagged another footballer, having “boasted to classmates” (she was, allegedly, 17) that she had shagged El Hadji Diouf, who was then playing for Bolton Wanderers. She “claimed he paid her £200 to sleep with him when she was 17”.

Diouf has yet to respond to the allegation.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 8th, September 2010 | In: Sports | Comment (1)