Posts Tagged ‘Big Brother TV’
Tabloids lead with naked women, feuding women, mad women and lesbians
Who buys newspapers? Women and men who like looking at women do. Or at least they used to buy them – now they get them for free in supermarkets. Today’s tabloids are curious for the absence of men on the covers. They look like fashion titles, porn mag and women’s weeklies. Across all the tabloids, only the Daily Express features a man on the cover, and he’s Prince Charles, the kind of bloke who never understood what a T-shirt is and grimaces as he attempts to straddle two poles by being both relevant to the hoi polloi and beyond the reach of mere mortals. Charles is on the Express‘ front-page to illustrate how lucrative it is to be a royal. This year the proles are to fund the Queen to the tune of £82.2million, or £1.21 from each of us. That represents “such good value” says the Express. The Express costs 55p.
But the rest all focus on women only.
The Daily Star, the Express‘ fun stablemate, has Eastenders actress Jessie Wallace looking tired and emotional as she “boobs” on a bight out; “Sexy” Emma Willis illustrating the fact that Big Brother, the show she presents, is crap (yes, it is still on); Theresa May signing a deal with the DUP (pronounced D! U! P!) to give the county a working Government; and Meghan Markle, Prince Harry’s current lover, often “nips over to Harry” on a plane.
The Sun leads with claims that “lesbian jailbird” Syndee Offord and “female prison guard” Faron Selvage enjoyed “LESBIAN ROMP BEHIND BRAS”; May’s deal; and the Sun’s “Chest test”, in which Alice Lazar covers her naked breasts in glitter and walks about the streets of London.
The Mirror leads with Theresa May and D!U!P! leader Arlene Foster engaging in a “handshake of shame”. It’s “May’s £1bn Bribe to Crackpots”.
But the Daily Mail takes the cake. Its cover shows a picture of Princess Diana and Camilla Parker-Bowes, once “Britain’s most hated woman” and now part of the PR camping to make us believe that after Her Majesty leaves the throne the feckless ninnies and knobs who make up her Royal Family will do a decent job of being our betters.
To recap, then: in this enlightened age, the tabloids lead with naked women, sexy women, mad women, women’s primary sexual characteristics, materialistic women and lesbians. We’ve come a long way, baby….
The Laura Carter sex tape is £10,000 a pop
Who wants to see Laura Carter in an “explicit sex tape”? Well, not any of the 634 people who complained to Ofcom that seeing Carter being felt up in the Big Brother house was too much before the 9pm watershed. Of course, you can watch the sex tape any time you like. A video of Carter being spit roasted / dry roasted by a “Premier League footballer” is “set to go online”, says the Daily Star in its front-page exclusive.
The video is “so hot it already attracted a £10,000 bid”, says the paper. And we turn the page. No self-respecting sex tape star gets into bed or even onto the kitchen table for ten grand. Which is why the Star relegates the scoop to Page 15, where we read that Carter is “unaware a video has been offered for sale for £10,000”.
“This isn’t what she wanted,” says “a pal”. Indeed, one images it is not. Ten grand for a sex tape. It’s as insulting as it is derisory.
Posted: 21st, June 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Big Brother hit over Laura Carter and Marco Pierre White Jr sex scene
Yes! Yes! Yes!!! That’s the sound of channel 5 executives celebrating. Big Brother remains relevant as Ofcom launches an inquiry after contestants Laura Carter and Marco Pierre White Jr groped, grunted, frotted and reached on the Channel 5 show before the 9pm watershed.
Why did Channel 4 reject the show that continues to titillate the great unwashed, allowing it to slip over to Channel 5?
More than 600 people have complained at seeing White, the son of a celebrity chef of the same name, slide his hands down Carte’s knicker – whilst she was wearing them. Who knew that Channel 5 had such a big audience for Big Brother? Of course, we cannot overlook the chance that many of the 634 outraged citizens who called Ofcom to complain work in TV. Moan and groan enough and – hey, presto! – Big Brother is all over the tabloids.
A spokesperson for Ofcom says: “We’re investigating whether sexual scenes in this episode of Big Brother exceeded generally accepted standards for its time of broadcast.”
If it did it will be tied up and whipped. Yes!
Posted: 20th, June 2016 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, TV & Radio | Comment
Big Brother sex: Marco Pierre White Junior in Slave and Master chef
Did you see the “Big Brother Live Sex Show”? No, us neither. Well, that’s not true. We did see it last year, the year before that and the year before that but this year’s shag we missed. Thankfully, lending onanists a helping hand is the Daily Star, which leads with news of “record complains over soft porn scene”.
Most of those complaints most likely seep from the offices of the Star and BB broadcaster Channel 5, where the moaning and groaning sounds like a episode of Channel 4’s Sex Box, BBC TV’s Versailles, Sky’s Game of Thrones or wherever else viewers can get their prime time aids to masturbation on the magic box. “why can’t we do more porn?” they ask. “Big Brother is tamer than The Archers.”
Daily Star readers and Big Brother watchers demand more than soft porn. They want the proper porn. And on Page 11 they vent their spleens at the antics of Marco Pierre White Junior, an ambulatory comic strip who has been generously given the same name as his famous dad to help readers know who the hell he is. MPW’s leftovers have been engaging in “randy games” with Laura Carter (no, us neither). The TV chef’s son suckled on Laura’s breast and shoved his hand down her shorts. He then tied a belt about a his throat and asked her to whip him into a pink mousseline.
They then “dived under the covers for what appeared to be full-on sex romp”. Appeared? The Star’s Peter Dyke needs to get up to speed with his porn. If he turns to page 32, he can see the advert and sign up for Television X, a porn channel run by the Daily Star’s owner.
Posted: 14th, June 2016 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Big Brother: ‘pervy’ Ken Morley never did call anyone ‘Chalky’ nor appear on Television X
Celebrity Big Brother got rid of Jeremy Jackson for “allegedly trying to grope Chloe Goodman in the house loo”. And like you we have no idea who is is, either. Big Brother has now expelled Ken Morley. Why?
It was for ‘offensive language’?
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Posted: 12th, January 2015 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment
Tabloid Tropes: the Daily Star holds the front page for Big Brother
The Daily Star (prop. Richard Desmond) often leads with news of Big Brother, the show on Channel 5 (prop. R. Desmond).
Do the ownber’s business interests impace on the Star’s editorial policy? Of course not. It’s just that Big Brother (peop. R. Desmond) is such huge news is must be on the front page. These headlines appeared on the paper of record in 2014. We haven’t included the small front-page snippets, just the big splashes:
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Posted: 4th, December 2014 | In: Key Posts, Reviews, TV & Radio | Comment
Mic Wright’s Remotely Furious: Praising Big Brother, Advocating Nuking Nick Robinson
Mic Wright’s Remotely Furious: Praising Big Brother, advocating nuking Nick Robinson
AS a smug, entitled, metropolitan dicksplash with a $50 vocabulary and a tendency to watch things with subtitles now and then I’m meant to dismiss Channel 5’s rebooted Big Brother franchise. Richard Desmond is a porn peddler turned newspaper baron turned TV channel king so we’re meant to squish our faces into cartoon disgust as if a man selling jizz mags is worse than arms dealers, Saudi princes who keep their people in a state of oppressed ignorance or Russians whose money was scrabbled up in the twilight of the Soviet era by standing on the heads of others and doing a fair bit of backstabbing both literal and figurative. Richard Desmond doesn’t seem like a particularly nice bloke but most newspaper proprietors are like crap James Bond villains so it doesn’t make him stand out really. I like that he’s invested money in bringing Big Brother back to its best because Desmond and his demonic underlings understand the key point of Big Brother: make it funny, make it entertaining, make it ridiculous. Channel 4’s problem was that it kept trying to hang on to the notion of Big Brother as social experiment rather than freak show with freaks who bloody love all that attention.
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Posted: 10th, January 2014 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment
After Leveson and hacking the Sun supports Prism and the Big Brother State
WHAT did the Sun have to say about Prism, the pact between technology companies and the US and UK Governments to store data on all internet users?
“They’re not remotely interested in the millions of ordinary citizens leading law-abiding lives.”
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Big Brother: The Situtation is bigger then Jesus, says The Situation
YOU been watching Big Brother on Channel 5? If not, you missed The Situation, crossover star of MTV’s Jersey Shore, telling the world that he is bigger than Jesus:
“[I am] the fourth most Googled person on the planet, in 2011… Tenth was Jesus Christ.”
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Posted: 4th, September 2012 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment
Celebrity Big Brother: at last it’s back (launch night photos)
CHANNEL 4’s decision to get rid of Celebrity Big Brother seems ludicrous. Last night, C4 broadcast Superscrimpers: Waste Not, Want Not, a programme seen by 1.19m people. This was followed by 24 Hours in A&E (2.05m) and a truly pisspoor show called Sex Story: Fifty Shades of Grey (968k). Over on Five, the Big Brother launch was seen by 2.6m. Although 3.5 million saw the launch show last year, the figure are still decent. For all its up and downs, CBB is one of the best reality television shows ever.
It’s the show that gave us:
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Posted: 16th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
Drunk Kerry Katona Sups OK!’s ‘Celebrity Juice’ And Swallows Lucien Laviscount
KERRY Katona and Lucien Laviscount continue with their fluid post-Big Brother romance on the cover of OK! magazine. The pair are fighting for love in the face of overwhelming odds – colour prejudice (she’s orange); age (he’s not much old than her kidzzzzz); incest (they describe themselves as being like brother and sister); and the cruelest barrier of all: they aren’t dating.
And yet OK! continues to make pronouncements:
“KERRY’S EXCITING NEWS – I’M MOVING LUCIEN IN!”
“WORLD EXCLUSIVE – ‘WE LOVE WAKING UP TOGETHER'”
“MOLLY DOESN’T LIE US KISSING IN FRONT OF HER”
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Posted: 21st, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Lucien Laviscount Romps With Big Sister Kerry Katona: Big Brother Incest Shocker
KERRY Katona and Lucien Laviscount are in a “4-HOUR HOTEL ROMP”. Well, so says the Daily Star in yet another Big Brother exclusive.
Jack Bellamy has news:
LOVED-UP Kerry Katona and Lucien Laviscount have reignited their Celebrity Big Brother fling.
You will recall that a fling consist of a peck on the cheek and Kerry saying she sees Lucien Laviscount as a “little brother”.
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Posted: 13th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Ex-Hoff Gets Booted Out Of The Big Brother House, But Gets Her Revenge On Half The House
YES! We have a 100% accuracy with the whole Predicting Who Is Getting Voted Out Of The Big Brother House thing. You really should start putting money on our guesswork because we’re quite clearly brilliant/sad enough to take an interest in the show.
As predicted, Pamela Bachman Turner Overdrive Hasselhoff was voted off, leaving odious, foetid cockatiel Darryn Lyons in the house with his man-made 20 pack stomach. Seriously. It looks like a dinosaur’s back.
The Hoff’s ex-wife got seven nominations from her housemates who all uniformly thought she was a whining old bag with nothing good to say about anyone.
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Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Mr Paparazzi And Ex-Mrs The Hoff Up For Big Brother Eviction Unsurprisingly
BRILLIANT. That’s what we are. That’s because we correctly predicted who would be voted out of the Celebrity Big Brother house over the weekend, seeing the terminally unpopular Sally Bercow getting sent back to the obscurity from whence she came.
Good riddance too. We don’t want political people polluting our perfectly good television sets. They’re all scum of the highest order, unable to string a sentence together without keeping one eye on a camera. And you thought proper celebrities were bad.
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Posted: 30th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Big Brother Eviction Night! Who Is Going And Do You Even Care?
TONIGHT is eviction night in the Celebrity Big Brother house, which essentially means that some sleb-pleb will find out how high their stock is with the general public… or indeed, how low it is.
There’s a certain level of arrogance that is required for a celebrity to enter the Big Brother house. First of all, you have to believe that you’re famous enough to warrant a place next to such luminaries like Tara Reid and Paddy Doherty who is a gypsy who someone pointed a camera that didn’t belong to News At Ten.
And so, we’re faced with the first eviction and it’s a dog-fight between Kerry Katona and her prawn ring, Sally Bercow and her poshery and Bobby Sabel and his… er… face.
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Posted: 26th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Oh God. One Of Jedward Has Got Married In The Big Brother House To Her From TOWIE
ONE thing we were all counting on in the BB House (ha! ‘All’ being ‘The three people actually watching Celebrity Big Brother) was that producers of the show were just desperate to drive a big fat wedge between Jedward, like taking a pair of shears to some conjoined twins.
Well, the ball is in motion, with Amy Childs and One Of Jedward (who cares which one) being ‘married’ in the house. With any luck, we’ll see Childs cruelly taking One Of Jedward’s virginity too, while The Other One From Jedward looks tearfully on.
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Posted: 24th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
What Was Kerry Katona’s Terrible Mistake?
FOLLOWING on from last week’s issue where OK! dreamt up imaginative ways for Kerry Katona to die, this week’s organ features the reality TV star currently appearing on Channel Five’s TV’s Big Brother stood in a swimming spool. She appears to be wearing an evening dress. Her make up is smudged. Her gaze suggests all is not well. And the headline yells:
“HELP ME I’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE”
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Posted: 24th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Celebrity Big Brother: The Cracks Start To Show With Bobby ‘Who?’ Sabel’s Rant Against Z Listers
WHO?! Bobby Sabel is a model, dufus. He’s paid to do little more than be a vacuous thing to occupy clothes while people take photos of him. Of course, he’s every right to slate others for being gits.
And that’s exactly what he did in a late-night whine about Amy Childs, Kerry Katona and Darryn Lyons while smoking tabs in the Big Brother garden.
Offering sagely advice to Lucious Landiplop, Sabel said:
“I think [Amy] will bleed you dry for everything you’re worth… She’d absolutely use you. She’d use you for the press.
“Don’t go there. You’re better than that. You’re smarter than that.”
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Posted: 23rd, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Celebrity Big Brother Review: Day 1, Where Everything Felt The Same
SOME things had changed in the skewed landscape of (Celebrity) Big Brother. First off, there was no Davina. It was also on a different channel, getting shunted sideways from Channel 4 to Five. And other things had changed too like… er… well… nothing.
See, BB came back with Marcus Bentley providing his usual ebullient Geordie narrative, along with that theme tune, that house, that braying crowd of placard holding dimwits and that sneaking suspicion that this show, while briefly exciting in return, has probably had it’s day.
In previous years, Big Brother has always fared well on the opening night. We can all muster up enough interest to see which poor, beleaguered sod wants to put themselves through the wringer, tuning in to hurl obscenities at them or, more appropriately, shriek “WHO ARE YOU?! NO SERIOUSLY! WHO? YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A WIKIPEDIA PAGE! YOU PLEB!”
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Posted: 19th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Jedward Will Be In The Celebrity Big Brother House, Of Course
THERE is absolutely no surprise that John and Edward (or Jedward from now on because they really don’t deserve to have separate names really, given that, together, they equate to less than your average human being) have been strongly linked to Five’s Celebrity Big Brother 2011.
Basically, when you’ve no discernible skill, other than a constant source of wonder at the world, coupled with the ability to take the English language and mangle it into something curious and baffling, you’re always going to gravitate toward a show that essentially prolongs your career without having to do anything more than sit on a sofa, occasionally cook, have drunken quarrels, shag under kitchen tables and perform a vaguely humiliating tasks in a garden.
Essentially, it’s fresher’s week for celebrities.
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Posted: 17th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Kerry Katona: So – How Are You Going To Die?
KERRY Katona is stood by a washing line from which five teddies are hanging. One is hanging by its ears. Three are hanging by their arms. Alongside this scene of nursery torture, Kerry smiles over the OK! magazine headline:
“Kerry cracks up!”
Is this a cruel pun on her drug-taking past and bi-polarism? Another headline appears:
“My ex mark can drown himself in the Big Brother pool”
This delightful turn of phrase is only made more hideous when we see that also on the OK! cover are two of Kerry’s children – the pair she had with Mark Croft – her ex-husband. One is sat in a laundry basket. The other is touching the wire from which the teddies are hanging. Is it plugged in?
This is no joke because having introduced the kids and the reader to the idea of daddy being dead (he’s not on Big Brother), OK! then asks lots of question about potentially lethal moments in Kerry’s life:
OK!: “Which of your exes wouldn’t you mind finding face down in the Big Brother pool?”
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Posted: 10th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Imogen Thomas Interview: Ryan Giggs Cost Her £100,000 And Her Hair
RYAN Giggs. Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs. Nice to be able to actually say his name out loud isn’t it? Thanks for falling on the sword John Hemming MP.
Anyway, all this Ryan Giggs business has been a unravelling farce which no-one can fully agree on.
Either way, there was a situation when many were saying his name over and over, while the press was gagged. The press didn’t like it and were always going to retaliate, which they’ll do in spades to the footballer who has caused his own Streisand Effect.
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Posted: 24th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)
Cheryl Cole To Front Big Brother On FIVE, Says Daily Star: Colonel Gaddafi Also In Running
CHERYL Cole is the “NEWS Big Brother BABE” announces the Daily Star on its front page. “Sexy star snubs X Factor.”
Only, hasn’t Big Brother finished? It has. And isn’t Channel Five, sister organ to the Daily Star, considering a move to reawaken the show? It is.
Now read on…
FED-UP Cheryl Cole could sensationally snub X Factor supremo Simon Cowell by accepting a £5million deal to host a new-look Big Brother.
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Posted: 31st, March 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (16)
Josie Gibson’s Abortion Car Crash
JOSIE Gibson, the Big Brother winner, is on the cover of OK!. alongside her are the words:
“JOSIE ALONE – ‘HE FORCED ME TO HAVE AN ABORTION’”
Inside we get:
“I made a lot of mistakes in my past and one thing is for certain, I ain’t going back for anyone.”
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Posted: 16th, March 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Josie Gibson Flees Big Brother Straight Into John James’ Arms
JOSIE Gibson has walked out of the Ultimate Big Brother compound. Her prize for winning Big Brother was £100,000 and a chance to rub primary sexual characteristics with Chantelle Houghton, Preston and Makosi.
She left. Says Cider With Josie:
“They’re all really nice people don’t get me wrong. I’m normal, I’m not a celebrity, I couldn’t handle it.”
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Posted: 26th, August 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
