Bristol Palin | Anorak

Posts Tagged ‘Bristol Palin’

Levi Johnston Took Bristol Palin’s Virginity With A Canvas Condom (Photos)

BRISTOL Palin wants to tell us that she lost her virginity on a camping trip that involved wine coolers, Levi Johnston’s penis and lots of note taking. All he details are in Sarah Palin’s new book Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far, aka I got Knocked Up But My Mom Was Running For VePee To Would-Be President McCain So I Had the Baby And Made Bundles Of Cash From It, Got My Chin Fixed And Then Went On Dancing With The Stars In A Bid To Win The TenaLady Contract And Florida

UsWeekly has read the book – so you don’t have to:

Palin says she woke up alone in her tent, with no recollection as to what happened. Johnston, meanwhile, “talked with his friends on the other side of the canvas.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 18th, June 2011 | In: Reviews | Comment

Some Idiot Decides To Give Bristol Palin Her Own TV Show

PRANCING politician offspring, Bristol Palin, is to get her own reality television show in the United States of America. That’s right. That bizarre collection of country-sized states are seemingly hell-bent on making a star of the loinular-produce of one of the most spectacularly dim politicians to ever walk the Earth.

While Sarah Palin is staring at an Atlas and still not quite getting the whole ‘Africa is a continent’ thing and going out shooting elk through the face, despite having access to perfectly good food stores, the TV viewing public will be able to tune in to a show on US cable channel Bio, which will presumably feature Bristol staring into the middle distance and trying to remember to breathe in, and out, in, and out.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 10th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Bristol Palin And Levi Johnson Are The Porny People Of Walmart

BRISTOL Palin, daughter to hockey stick Milf Sarah Palin, and her stripping on-off-on lover, Levi Johnson, are to get married. Our Man In LA writes:

No sooner had Bristol Palin and her former future husband & baby-daddy Levi Johnston gone public with their re-engagement, than a bridal registry for the couple showed up on the WalMart website.

After much consideration, we decided to chip in and get the future Mr. & Mrs. Johnston something they could both enjoy once they take the plunge into married life…

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 15th, July 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Levi Johnston’s Nuts Are Sarah Palin’s Kill Of The Day

sarah-palin-levis-nutsLEVI. Playgirl mo-del Levi Johnston. “Now Levi Johnston does it with protection.” From dating Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol Palin and given her a bay-bee, Levi is now the nuts of nuts.

The advert seems to be saying that to date a Palin you need to be mentally ill, or that if you spend too long in Alaska your testes become coated in an impervious rock-like substance that needs a huge minder to crack.

Poor Levi. He needs to worry not about the fans mobbing up but to listen out for the sound of helicopters and the scream “Pull!”

The company behind the advert, Wonderful Pistachios, invites nuts lovers:

Show us how you Get Crackin’ and you could win $25,000 and see your spot on TV!

Hear that Sarah Palin? All you need do is crack Levi’s nuts with the claws of that giant crap you keep in your wallet and you win enough money to watch the Olympics in Rio…

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment

Sarah Palin Wanted To Pretend Bristol And Levi Johnston’s Son Was Hers

levi_johnston_vfLEVI Johnston, former almost lover to his baby mama Bristol Palin, is talking to Vanity Fair about his almost hockey mom-in-law Sarah Palin and how she wanted to pretend the child he fathered was hers.

Having made Sarah Palin a grandmother, Johnston now sticks the knife in over a five-page first-person account.

The Palins didn¹t have dinner together and they didn’t talk much as a family. Throughout the years I spent with them, when Sarah got home from her office–almost never later than five and sometimes as early as noon–she usually walked in the door, said hello, and then disappeared into her bedroom, where she would hang out. Sometimes she’d take an hour-long bath. Other times she sat on the living-room couch…watching house shows and wedding shows on TV. She always wanted things and she wanted other people to get them for her. If she wanted a movie, Bristol and I would go to the video store; if she wanted food, we’d get her something to eat, like a Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell.

Oooo, he’s pulled out the Crunchwrap. That hurts.

She’d try to bribe everyone to clean the house, or give us guilt trips. She used to make Bristol feel bad by telling her that she did everything for her. This was unfair because, even before the campaign, Bristol was already the mom in the house, and she got tired of having to take care of her siblings.

Aspiring model Johnston – Vanity Fair shoots him in moody black and white as a sweetener to his pretensions – also speaks of divorce. Recently the Palins, Sarah and Todd, were embroiled in a divorce rumour. Says Johnston:

“There was a lot of talk of divorce in that house … times when Sarah and Todd would mention it and sound pretty serious.”

Johnston is 18. He was dating Bristol when he was 17. To sports jock Johnston hearing the alphabet said aloud is pretty serious.

“After the nomination, Sarah and Todd wouldn’t go anywhere together unless the cameras were out. They’re good on television, but once the cameras would leave they didn’t talk to each other. In all the time Bristol and I were together, I’ve never seen them sleep in the same bedroom…. Even during the Republican National Convention they slept in different bedrooms at opposite ends of her suite. Todd slept in the living room, on his little black recliner, with the TV going in the background—usually with the news or an Ultimate Fighting Championship match on—wearing clothes he wore that same day. [Since I used to sleep on the couch until Bristol got pregnant, I know he doesn’t snore, so that’s not why he wasn’t in bed]…. If Sarah and Todd did talk—they really don’t communicate at all—they were fighting. Todd is short-fused, and if you get him fired up, he flips out. He often got mad that Sarah wasn’t looking after the kids, and I’m sure she was mad he was riding [on his snow machine] all the time—but they really just weren’t clicking half the time.”

And the kids?

“Even before she was nominated, there wasn’t much parenting in that house,” says the man who helped turn Bristol Palin into a single mum.

“Sarah doesn’t cook, Todd doesn’t cook – the kids would do it all themselves: cook, clean, do the laundry, and get ready for school. Most of the time Bristol would help her youngest sister with her homework, and I’d barbecue chicken or steak on the grill.”

Johnston was Palin’s bitch? This is the kind of woman America should have had running the country, someone who can find a use for even the most feckless no mark. And while Levi was a-shaggin’ and a-grilling, he was also a–listenin’ to Sarah’s post-White House failure.

“Sarah was sad for a while. She walked around the house pouting. A week or two after she got back she started talking about how nice it would be to quit and write a book or do a show and make ‘triple the money.’ She would blatantly say, ‘I want to just take this money and quit being governor.'”

So says Johnston, whose fee for speaking to Vanity Fair is not revealed.

“She definitely thought she was running for president.”

But the biggest scoop is that the former governor of Alaska suggested that she and husband Todd could adopt her daughter’s baby and keep the real parentage a secret. Says Johnston:

“That way, she said, Bristol and I didn’t have to worry about anything. Sarah kept mentioning this plan. She was nagging – she wouldn’t give up. She would say, ‘So, are you gonna let me adopt him?’”

And so the conspiracy will begin. Trig Palin was really Bristol’s baby, went the narrative, and now two-wombs Sarah Palin had sniffed a way to repay the favour.

Of course, what Johnston does is do some Palin PR, preventing Sarah Plain from slipping down the radar like a piece of hairy soap down the plughole of life.

Rather than attacking Sarah Palin, Levi is supporting the family business. With Sarah Plain everyone has a use – even Levi Johnston…

Posted: 2nd, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment

Sarah Palin Interview: How Bristol Palin Got Her Name

BRISTOL Palin. Would you? Would you call your daughter Bristol, as in Bristol City? Sarah Palin explains:

Two meanings in Bristol’s name: I worked at the Bristol Inn, and Todd grew up in Bristol Bay. But also, Bristol, Connecticut, is the home of ESPN. And when I was in high school, my desire was to be a sportscaster. ESPN was just kicking off, just getting off the ground, and I thought that’s what I was going to do in life, is be one of the first woman sportscasters. Until I learned that you’d have to move to Bristol, Connecticut. It was far away. So instead, I had a daughter and named her Bristol.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 5th, February 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment

Andrew Sullivan, An Apology: Bristol Palin Does Have Two Wombs

APOLOGIES to Andrew Sullivan, who posited the notion that Bristol Palin, daughter to Sarah Palin, had two wombs, enabling her to be both mother to Trig Palin and to (Linda) Tripp Palin.

The Mail reports:

When Katherine Harrison collapsed with severe stomach pains just a week before she was due to give birth, doctors at first couldn’t detect the cause.

But as they carried out an emergency Caesarean section they found she had two wombs. Her baby had been growing in one of them, which was half the size of a normal womb.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 5th, January 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment (1)

Sarah Palin To Be The Right’s Answer To Al Gore

SARAH Palin’s daughter, Bristol Palin, has given birth to a son, says People magazine.

His name?

Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston was born on Sunday, weighing in at 7 lb 4 oz (3.3 kg).

Tripp is now nephew to Trig and Track, Sarah Plain’s children.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 30th, December 2008 | In: Politicians | Comments (2)

The Bristol Palin Baby Death Cult

AFTER the Trig Palin Death Cult, one Doug Stanhope is wishing death on Bristol Palin’s unborn child, Pelt Palin:

He has offered Bristol Palin $25,000 to get an abortion:

Rather than sit back and impotently bemoan Bristol’s tragic, lonely circumstance, it is time for us — the silent majority — to unite behind this poor, imprisoned woman and save her from both a tyrannical household as well as the horrible nightmare of a forced childbirth.

These are not empty words. I, Doug Stanhope, am offering you, Bristol Palin, the sum of 25,000 dollars so that you can abort your child and move out of that draconian home.

Liberals wishing death on babies and the unborn…

The Trig Palin Death Cult


Posted: 21st, September 2008 | In: Reviews | Comments (2)