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Britney Spears shops for Hollywood nostrils and boobs museum exhibits

britney spears shopping list

Shopping list of the week was penned by Britney Spears. Someone dived into her bins and resurfaced with shopping lists.

Spears, we learn, likes Oreos, pasta, Sprite, gritz, Dr Pepper, flowers, Red Bull, pizzas, cheese, ham, “Boobs” and a “Nose (talk to nose guy)”.

Aside from being an adult human who shops like Yogi Bear, Spears’ shopping for body parts is a curiosity. Does she collects tits and nostrils, aiming to create the ultimate Hollywood museum of add-ons, exhibits to include Jennifer Aniston’s nose tip, Cher’s laughter lines and an introductory talk from the ‘living exhibit’ who bought Michael Jackson’s fire damaged hair.

Or are the words codes for a kind of Hollywood sustenance?

Dive, dive, dive!

Posted: 17th, July 2015 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Reviews | Comment


Fartgate: the great ‘iconic’ wind-passing moments from the cultural archives

FART for art’s sake

As The Archers Fartgate rumbles on, we look back at those great ‘iconic’ wind-passing moments from the cultural archives.

 

Radio

farting radio

When Jezza McCreary recently passed wind in Radio 4’s The Archers, he was not the first character to do so. (It was in the script, by the way – this was no accident.) But it was the first time a character had done it audibly – and actor Ryan Kelly was offered a selection of farts by the sound effects department before picking one that he decided was suitably “fruity” for a man who had been eating steak and potatoes and drinking beer.

 

Journalist

SIR PEREGRINE WORSTHORNE  farting

In 1973 Peregrine Worsthorne (pictured here with wife Lucinda Lambton) became the second person to say the word ‘fuck’ on British television. Years later, the former editor of the Sunday Telegraph would behave even more unpleasantly on a London Underground train. Sir Perry was annoyed by a passenger eating a burger – his ostensible reason being the odour, but this was no doubt exacerbated by a general disapproval of public eating and a specific disapproval of eating burgers anywhere. In revenge, Worsthorne stood near the man and farted into his face.

 

Stage

farting

 

Le Pétomane (‘Fart maniac’) Joseph Pujol was a professional flatulist who rose to fame in the late nineteenth century, when he entertained the crowned heads of Europe with his bizarre stage act. Standout moments included sound effects of cannon fire and thunderstorms, playing tunes through a rubber tube stuck up his arse, and blowing out a candle from several metres away. Leonard Rossiter plays the great man here…

 

 

Silver Screen

 

Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles achieved legendary status in the Seventies for this spectacular ground-breaking scene.

 

But Mike Leigh’s 1976 film Nuts In May outdoes it for sordid verisimilitude (0.55.55).

 

TV Drama

Casual farting is as commonplace as casual violence in HBO’s landmark series The Sopranos. Usually the bowel action takes place in the offices at Satriale’s Pork Store. On this occasion, however, it occurs in more dramatic fashion after Tony tries an Indian.

 

 

Pop singer

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Former teacher Robert ‘Doc’ Cox was a stalwart of the BBC’s terrible That’s Life! in the 1980s. Ivor Biggun is his musician persona, with a string of releases such as his 1978 hit The Winker’s Song (misprint). You can no doubt guess the subject of his follow-up misprint, I’ve Parted

 

 

Footballer

During his reign at Liverpool, Gerard Houllier is said to have fined players for farting. Fortunately for Charlie Adams, he left Anfield long ago.

 

 

Miriam Margolyes

The national treasure famously farted live on Danny Baker’s radio show – famous because he has repeatedly reminded listeners ever since. But Miriam is far from shy about the topic, and can usually be relied upon to raise it at some point in any interview. In this example, Graham Norton, being a gentleman, saves her the trouble…

 

 

Comedy

Jaques Tati meets Le Pétomane in Vic and Bob’s flatulent homage, which ‘aired’ regularly in The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer. (And full marks for that title, by the way.)

 

 

Sex Symbols

 

Fart3

 

 

Marilyn Monroe and Britney Spears. Both notorious for it, by all accounts.

 

Singer Britney Spears attends "The X-Factor" viewing party at Mixology on Thursday, Dec. 6, 2012, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Dan Steinberg/Invision/AP)

 

Candle in the Wind was of course written for Monroe, but had nothing to do with Le Pétomane’s party trick. And neither does this picture.

 

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Snooker

The aptly named Judd Trump found himself temporarily distracted by a member of the audience during his World Championship semi-final against Ronnie O’Sullivan earlier this year.

 

Sitcom

Jim Royle’s outbursts are ten-a-penny, so here, for the sake of freshness, is Nana doing the honours.

 

 

Live TV

‘Air time’ is an occupational hazard for those who perform for hours. The fortunate ones get away with the occasional fart. Others are not so lucky, and find their full-blown incontinence immortalised on Youtube. We have no wish to draw attention to their embarrassment, so we will restrict ourselves to these minor faux pas by ladies who seems to have taken it in good heart.

 

 

 

 

Cartoon

viz fart
Viz’s revolting Johnny Fartpants clearly wears the fetid trousers in this field, but let’s hear it for our own favourite – the legendary Farting Dogs

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Posted: 7th, July 2013 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Tulisa claims credit for rhyming ‘club’ with ‘up’

A ROW between the X Factor’s self-declared (see tattoo) “Female Boss” Tulisa and The Voice’s “Dope” will.i.am. Tulisa is claiming credit for some of the lyrics on will.i.am and Britney Spears’ hit Scream & Shout.

Tulisa has called in the lawyers. The Daily Mail notes:

One of the lyrics that Tulisa allegedly wrote was: ‘When you hear this in the club, you’d better turn this s**t up.’

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Posted: 15th, February 2013 | In: Music | Comment


The best Britney Spears Brady Bunch gif ever

Spotter: stalling

Posted: 8th, January 2013 | In: Celebrities, Gifs | Comment


The 12 Worst Pop Music Lyrics Ever

SHOULD the dancing and the singing and the breeding not work out for her, Britney Spears is showing signs of being a pretty good lyricist.

Speaking through the tears on a TV interview, Britney is heard to say:

“It’s bad. I’m sad.”

In your face, Chris de Burgh, who notoriously rhymed “dance” with “romance” in his seminal hit Lady In Red.

Anorak has delved into the pop archives and now brings you the 10 Worst Rhymes In Pop. Chins up, Britney, you may yet be great:

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Posted: 30th, June 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (14)


Britney Spears gets $15m X Factor deal, but she still isn’t allowed a cash card

SIMON COWELL loves ’em mental. Look at the women he’s surrounded himself with. Paula ‘mental’ Abdul. Cheryl ‘toilet attendant’ Cole. Nicole ‘the only woman who could possibly find Lewis Hamilton even vaguely sexual’ Scherzinger. Amanda ‘willingly had sex with Neil Morrissey’ Holden. And Sinitta. Everything about Sinitta screams insanity.

And now, Cowell has bagged himself Queen Nutter, Britney Spears. She’s apparently going to be on The X Factor USA and she’ll be getting $15 million in the bargain.

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Posted: 10th, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Cowell bags Britney for $15m to be mental on X Factor

IS Britney Spears heading to the X Factor?

A big part of the X Factor’s charm is that, away from the crooning and contestant back-stories being forcibly rammed down your gullet, is the vague soap opera that dogs the judges. In the UK show, we’ve got the tension between whichever girls Cowell sits on the panel and, of course, the tension that emanates from every single pore on Louis Walsh’s tiny little head.

Over in America, the tension wasn’t quite there. Americans are, of course, unsubtle creatures who need things to be blindingly obvious before they recognise them. And so, to create cartoonish wrongery, Cowell has hired Queen Of The Damaged, Britney Spears.

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Posted: 12th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)


Britney Spears to lose her bap on X Factor panel?

JUST when Simon Cowell had got rid of one insane, glassy-eyed mentalist in the shape of Paula Abdul, he’s got another one making the drunken come-on eye at him. That’s right – Britney Spears thinks the best way to put all those troubles behind her, is to take on the job of judge on the X Factor, where you have to make people cry and perform like monkeys for you.

That’ll end well, won’t it?

Cowell needs to replace Abdul and fired Nicole Scherzinger and Britney is in the running along with Janet Jackson, Pink and Mariah Carey.

A friend of Spears said:

“She’s a huge fan of ‘The X Factor’ and thinks it’s the perfect time for her to be a judge. She wants to show her fans she is back to her best and where better to do that than on national TV every week?”

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Posted: 23rd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Lady Gaga Degreases Britney Spears’ Acronym At The MTV VMAs In Photos

TO the MTV VMA awards in LA USA, where Lady Gaga (LG) is presenting Britney Spears (BS) with the Video Vanguard award for most acronyms in single awards setting. Lady Gaga is the one dressed as a sixth former doing a production of Grease. Spears is more deep beige with pineapple Chewit top notes tones than Sandy…

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Lady Gaga with Brian May, on guitar, perform at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday Aug. 28, 2011, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

Posted: 29th, August 2011 | In: Music | Comment


Britney Spears’ Stars In Big Brother Dream Sequence

DID you know that it’s Britney Spears’ “dream” to appear on Channel Five’s Big Brother? Well, it’s is. The cover of the Daily Star declares:

“BRITNEY BIG BRO DREAM”

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Posted: 26th, July 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Britney Spears Getting Sued For Picking Her Nose And Farting Loads

ANORAK readers are, on the whole, disgusting pigs. So are we writers of this esteemed online publication. We all sit around eating our bogeys, winding off in our ill-fitting trousers covered in sex stains and generally making everyone else feel wholly adequate.

However, we’re all in good company as it transpires that Britney Spears is an absolute pig of a human.

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Posted: 21st, July 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


Justin Timberlake Is A Filthy Dope Fiend Who Likes Sticking Drugs Up Himself

SEXY back? Justin Timberlake is more likely to be indulging in blow-backs after he admitted that he “absolutely” smokes marijuana.

So there you go. Timberlake is nothing but a wretched stoner who is wheeling out the same ol’ line of ‘it helps me to switch off and relax’. Aye, and eat two thousand packets of Cheetos while giggling at monkey’s pissing in their own mouths in YouTube videos.

He said:

“The only thing pot does for me is it gets me to stop thinking. Sometimes I have a brain that needs to be turned off. Some people are just better high.”

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Posted: 16th, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)


Lady Gaga Is Not Madonna’s Camel: She Also Looks Like Kylie, Britney And Christina

LADY Gaga is pilloried for being Madonna’s cameal – a popstar formed by committee. But the criticism is unfair: Lady Gaga has also adopted the looks of Kylie Minogue, Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera, Grace Jones and Britney Spears. It is all done with a massive sense of self-awareness, of course. Gaga would not more pass off an old look as her own as she would bash out a Euro pop number entitled Alejandro that sounds a lot like an Ace Of Base track, which in turn was not overly different to Aswad’s Don’t Turn Around

gaga-aguilera

Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comments (4)


Britney Spears Is An Airmopped Audrey Hepburn: Photos

BRITNEY Spears is posing seductively for Out Magazine. Before the photos that are less airbrushing than airmopping, Britney says that she was once Audrey Hepburn, in a former life.

Hepburn went to the great tomato in the sky in 1993.  Brit was hatched in 1981.

Other than that they are two peas in a pod: one a petite pois, the other a marafat pea ready to be mushed.

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Posted: 9th, March 2011 | In: Music | Comment


Britney Spears Home In Photos: Hit Me With The Blackamoors

BRITNEY Spears has lashed out $18.9 million on a mock Tudor mansion in Hidden Hills, California. For her money, Spears owns ten bedrooms, thirteen bathrooms, the Barbra Cartland suite, a amusement arcade, a waterfall, a cave and a blackamoor who will take your Cheetos…

Posted: 20th, February 2011 | In: Music | Comment


Pictures Of Celebrities Who Put On Weight

WHEN Star Magazine gawped at a voluptuous Jessica Simpson from an unflattering angle and screamed “It’s Not A Fat Suit” we realised why Hollywood stars keep in shape. But can you be a victim if you once sold your wonderful body to the slobbering masses to envy and admire? Here’s a gallery of stars who put on weight and were attacked for it. Featuring: Jessica Simpson, Tyra Banks, Mariah Carey, Kristie Alley, Alec Baldwin, Britney Spears, Kelly LeBrock, Rosie O’Donell, Janet Jackson, Mike Tyson, Kevin Federline, Steven Segal, John Travolta and Val Kilmer…

Posted: 15th, June 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


In Pictures: FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women, Best Of

CHERYL Cole is the first British woman to top FHM’s top sexiest women for 2010. Rather, Cheryl Cole is the first Briton to finish top of FHM magazines sexist women polls ever. The top three are, in order: Cheryl Cole, Megan Fox and Victoria’s Secret model Marissa Miller. The poll, voted for by men unable or unwilling to buy porn mags, says Cheryl is also sexier than Kelly Brook (7th), Keeley Hazell (5th), Frankie Sandford (4th)fourth position, Britney Spears (44th) in 2010, Abbey Clancy (10th), Kristen Stewart (6th), Adriana Lima (8th), Jessica Alba (9th) and Harry Potter actress Emma Watson in at 29. Evidence follows:

keeley-hazell-leather-gloves

Posted: 29th, April 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Pictures: Shaven Headed Charlie Sheen Presents The Greatest Hollywood Wigs

ESTRANGED from wife Brooke Mueller, linked to hooker Angelina Tracy (pictures), Hollywood actor Charlie Sheen is reported to have shaved his head.

Radar says “Charlie Sheen pulled a Britney Spears”. No, not more sex with meaty blondes. This is a reference to the shaved bonce. Now, Sheen has a lustrous head of dark hair. He has Hollywood hair. No, not hair with a zip and rinse instructions. He has the kind of hair that men in Britain do not have. He has sublime hair.

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Posted: 15th, April 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Britney Spears Shows Her Fleshy Candie Bars

BRITNEY Spears is posing for US-based fashion firm Candie’s. For reasons unknown she’s apparently licking the underside of miniature poodle. Britney wants you to see the pictures of her before the airbrush got to work. Well, so the press release goes. If she didn’t want us to see the after shots, why allow them to be broadcast? Why not just be herself? Because a fleshy mum-of-two invites only derision, while a fleshy mum of two making some kind of point is brave, warrior-like, the kind of thing a superwoman would do. Hey, it’s what Jessica Simpson would do…

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Spotter: 3am

Posted: 13th, April 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Britney Spears Cross-Dresser In Court For Scaring Children

britney1WHAT news of the Britney Spears cross-dresser, one Peter Trigger? Well, since you ask, Mr Trigger is in court charged with breaching the anti-social behaviour order that bars him from baring his legs in public and wearing a skirt during the school run.

Man Banned From Dressing As Britney Spears Near School Gates

In December 2008, Mr Trigger was spotted about primary schools in Northampton wearing aBritney Spears-style schoolgirl uniform.

Parents walking with their children to nearby Woodvale Primary School had claimed Trigger had bent over, shown his bare thighs and indicated he was wearing no underwear.

We thought Mr Trigger a brave man, a lure to paedos, pervert and Spears fans, who would approach the child and then be dealt a severe blow to their self-esteem and mind’s eye. But it seems that not all agree.

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Posted: 4th, February 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comments (2)


This Week’s National Enquirer: Jennfer Aniston Beats Angelina Jolie And Surgical A** To Mouth

national-enquirer2IN this week’s National Enquirer – we read it so you don’t have to: Jennifer Aniston has got Angelina Jolie “RUNNING SCARED”; David Hasselhoff “refuses rehab”; Britney Spears is not dead but is in a “Psycho Ward” drama; Heidi Montag does arse to mouth and Robert Pattinson’s “baby”.

Jen & Ange

News is that Aniston is feeling “sexier” and “more confident than ever”. And that gives her the “upper hand” in her “feud” with Angelina Jolie, who is “miserable” and “skeletal”.

The source says Ange has “very few friends” and is “the skinniest she’s ever been”. On the positives, Jolie has a huge family, Jen’s ex-husband in her bed and is thin enough to make Aniston look fat.

Heidi Montag Is Plastic

Heidi Montag has had a mini brow lift, Botox in the forehead, a nose “revision”, fat injections in her face, her neck lipo-suctioned, ears pinned back (to her head), breast made huger, lipo on her waist and thighs, and her arse “augmented” – to appear just below that re-visaged nose on the face.

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Posted: 19th, January 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The Tabloids Want Lindsay Lohan Dead, Although Paris Hilton Or Britney Spears Would Do

national-enquirerIN this week’s National Enquirer, readers are invited to play a game: “WHO’LL DIE NEXT!” Brian Reade can join in. Will it be Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears or – hey – why not make your own suggestion? Set your Celebrity Death Text Alert App. to “Stand By” and read on:

To narrow the field, the magazine reminds gamers that Brittany Murphy and Casey Johnson are already dead. This leaves a reduced death pool. The Enquirer adds further help by listing the possible causes of death:

Brittany Murphy (1977-2009)

Paris Hilton – “Hard Partying”
Mischa Barton – “Rehab hell”
Eminem – “Fighting addiction”
Britney Spears – “New meltdown”

Hmmmm… Who to vote for? The biggest picture, however, is of Lindsay Lohan. Fear is that she “weeps” to death.

Inside the magazine, and DJ AM Adam Goldstein remains dead. But things are not getting easier, guessers. The fame drain is enlarged to take in some more youngsters who remain stubbornly alive:

Tara Reid – “Troubled”
Amy Winehouse – “Fighting”
Kirsten Dunst – “Depression”

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Posted: 13th, January 2010 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comment


Katie Price Beats Britney Spears And Suri Cruise To Media Award

Joan Collins and the Daily Mail find a way to namecheck Peter Andre, Katie Price, Big Brother, Jade Goody, Peter Andre, Kerry Katona, Dannii Minogue, the X Factor, Britney Spears, Suri Cruise and just about any other celebrity you want to read about…

A TRULY brilliant story on the Mail’s front page, as it uses a picture of Katie Price to highlight its, er, “NONENTITIES” awards.

Yep. Katie Price is such a nonentity she is now reduced to appearing on the Mail’s front page. Even the Daily Star doesn’t bother with her, leading instead with Umar Abdulmutallab and the war on terror.

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Posted: 29th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


X Factor: Jedward Go GAY, Win I’m A Celebrity And Hate Susan Boyle

jedward4X FACTOR rejects Jedward are now 8-1 to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Having swallowed Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh’s balls, they are on course to swallow something still more fragrant in the Blue Peter garden.

Before that, Jedward are to sing at GAY Heaven this Saturday night, following in the footsteps of Lucie Jones, Rachel Adedeji, Kandy Rain and JLS.

Now the duo have been fast tracked into tabloid journalism, and are seated in the editor’s car for the Sun’s Bizarre section.

Highlights include:

* Jedward calling Lady Gag “Lady Baba” – “They think she’s brilliant.”

* Jedward have the autographs of Avril Lavigne, the Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears

* Jedward’s hair is a combination of “VO5 and hairspray” – as is their voice.

Says Gordon Smart:

“X Factor rascals John and Edward Grimes are national heroes in Ireland – up there in the popularity steaks with U2, big Jack Charlton and Guinness.”

Bad news for U2, Our Jackie and Guinness, because Louis Walsh has already told us:

“They got a really hard time from people in Ireland, from people who have never met them and didn’t know them. I had it before with Boyzone and different bands before. People slag you off – it’s a weird thing, it’s an Irish thing.”

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Posted: 25th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


X Factor: John & Edward Perform Live Duet With Miming Britney Spears

john-edwardX FACTOR Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance looks at X Factor in the news: Louis Walsh mocks Cheryl Cole’s singing, Simon Cowell vows to spend more time in the sun, and John & Edward do Britney Spears too well.

Daily Mirror (front page): “YOU’RE TWIN FREAKS – Cowell savage John & Ed”

Savages? He’d never risk his teeth.

“This X Factor is the hardest one to call,” he says, still reeling from Danyl deffo-not-a-bully-deffo-still-would Johnson being in the bottom two last weekend. “The twins are completely deluded and live in fantasy land but they are lovely. They thought Britney would watch their performance and wanted to invite Robbie to their party.”

John & Edward performed a live version of a Britney Spears song. The performance was every bit as good as the original, save for the boys failing to dry hump the stage, not miming and omitting the Max Wall tribute.

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Posted: 30th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


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