Jack Tweed’s Suicide Watch With Jade Goody

JACK Tweed says he wants to kill himself. In “JACK: I WANT TO KILL MYSELF”, the News of The World places Mr Jade Goody on suicide watch – “nor death shall us part”.

Beneath a picture of Tweed, readers are told:

QUIET NIGHT IN: Prison beans and orange squash is far from Jack Tweed’s usual Champagne style

One would venture that Tweed is sipping on “prison orange squash”. But we should not interrupt the facts as Jack’s mum, Mary Tweed, tells her story to the tabloids, and so – finally! – welcomes a bona fide outlet of Jade Goody Industries.

THE distraught mum of rape charge widower Jack Tweed told yesterday of her torment at seeing her “baby” in prison and hearing him threaten to take his own life.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Kelly Osbourne’s Fierce Addiction to Vicodin With Britney Spears

WALKING button mushroom Kelly Osbourne has “lived under constant media scrutiny since hitting our TV screens in The Osbournes”.

It’s been hard for Kelly living under the media glare. Just how hard you can read about in Kelly’s new book Fierce, by Kelly Osbourne. And therein you can reada bout how Kelly used Vicodin, Hillbilly heroin, to beat the demons, cure the pain and get off her face.

Says the Sun:

Knocked by family tragedies including Sharon’s cancer battle, her dad’s quad bike accident and brother Jack’s drug problem, Kelly turned to prescription painkiller Vicodin.

Jacks drugs problems triggered Kelly’s drugs problems?

Here, in our first exclusive extract from her new book, Fierce, she tells how her first experiences with alcohol and prescription drugs at 13 led to a downward spiral that saw her in rehab four times in six years.

Rehab centres come with a revoling door fitted as standard. Rehab patients always seem to return for more treatment. Rehab works. A thousand rehab centres and a million therapists cannot be wrong. The entire extract is about Kelly’s drug taking. Drugs really do make you more interesting, kids. So pay attention.

My dad went into rehab the day after I was born. He was in the Betty Ford Clinic for the first three months of my life.

Are those two events connected?

There would be plenty more rehabs but little did I realise my life would be affected by addiction too.

Round and round the rehab door goes, where it stops, no-one knows.

In December 2003, Dad fell off a quad bike in the grounds of our Buckinghamshire home. At hospital he seemed OK, and kept pressing the morphine button so it would go into his system quicker – bloody typical. He pointed at the nurses and said, “Don’t let them f*** up my tattoos, Kel.”

But then he started making these gargling noises and brown bubbles came out of his mouth. There was a deafening flat-line noise coming from the machine he was attached to…

Eight days after, they took him off the ventilator. I said, “Dad, our single Changes is No1“. He held up one of his fingers. The tears poured down my cheeks.

It’s just beautiful. A life in rehab centres can be:

* As Jack and Dad were celebrating their one-year anniversary of being clean, I was checking into Promises clinic in Malibu on April 2, 2004…

* A year later, in 2005, I was having a Sunday roast with Mum and Dad and I nodded off at the table. I woke up to my parents looking over me in floods of tears. Dad was saying: “Kel, you’ve got to get help. You’ve just f***ing nodded off on us.”..

Sorry, mum and dad. It’s just the endless repetirion about dad’s drugs past, Pixie-voiced mum’s pooing dogs, Jack’s drugzzzzzz….

* I went to Las Encinas Hospital in LA and went through horrendous cold turkey again.

* They checked me into the psychiatric ward at the UCLA Medical Institution in LA, where years later Britney Spears would be sectioned.

I was there first. It was me, I tell you. Me.

* The next day the Hazelden rehab centre in Oregon collected me. It felt like I’d been in Groundhog Day since I was 16.

We know the feeling, Kelly. The repetition. The feeling of things going nowhere. The repetition. The feeling of things going nowhere. The…

Now Kelly has written a book, which may be part of her rehab, one her 12 chapters to redemption. And she proves that you don’t need Viocodin to feel relaxed and ready to nod off, you just need to talk about yourself more…

Image: 14

Anorak

Posted: 28th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

The X Factor: How Susan Boyle Saved Emma Chawner From Ridicule

The X Factor returns and with so does Emma Chawner, the tabloids’ “beast” who will show us that in a post-Susan Boyle world much has changed. Also, look out for a live performance from Michael Jackson…

MICHAEL Jackson may not be performing on the X FACTOR this season. As we know Jackson will never be buried, securing from his nearest and dearest the birthday gift of an eternal performance at the Great Mausoleum at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, Calif. It was never going to be easy to top the 50 dates at London 02 oxygen tent, but the Jacksons never got anywhere without thinking big.

After Britney Spears did her impression of Max Wall on last season’s X Factor, a source oozed to the tabloids:

“Britney was a massive coup for Cowell. But he’s determined to raise the bar even higher and secure Jacko’s services. He is perhaps one of the few artists who could outshine Britney.”

A lifeless Jackson would doubtless out-dance Spears. But the X Factor is not about the stars, really, it is about the judges and the losers and the rejects, like Emma Chawner, the Telegraph’s “Teletubby”, and the Star’s “the beast”. Emma is back for some more humiliation, says the Express.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Vanessa Hudgens And Zac Efron Do Katie Price And Peter

ANORAK spots: Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron getting married, Levi Johnston naked, Peter Andre misses Katie Price, Britney Spears does the doggy and N-Dubz in panto…

* VANESSA Hudgens and Zac Efron are getting married, to each other.

Says Hudgens:

“Zac likes me in bright red lipstick. I am his one true vamp!”

Just bright red lipstick and nothing else. But there is hope for you teens that the wedding might not happen and Zac/Vanessa can be yours:

“We haven’t set a date and if we did we’d keep it secret for as long as possible. Why? What if one of us was offered a major film part? Then we’d have to postpone our marriage and people would say we’d split up. And we don’t want that.”

Teenagers with links to the film biz are right now pestering mum and dad to given Zac and Vanessa parts in film that keep them miles apart. “Dad, I think Zac would be great with Sienna Miller”; “Mum, Vanessa is puurrfect for Kabul Road Rage 3000” – Showbiz Spy

* Former Sarah Palin son-in-law Levi Johnston says he may pose nude if the price is right.

“It depends on the money, man.”

And if they make a sequel… – USA Mag

* According to TMZ, Britney Spears’ new head weave makes her a ringer for “Dog the Bounty Hunter” star Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman.

If the hair gets together, it may breed and create a Kajagoogoo tribute act – TMZ

* Peter Andre proves how much he has moved on from Katie Price by telling viewers of his sentimental show Going It Alone that he is missing Katie Price.

“I do miss her. I hate missing her, I hate it. Funny thing is, I don’t even know what I miss, because there was so much bad.”

Has he stopped talking about her long enough to notice she’s not there? – Digital Spy

* N-dubz do panto

There’s also a little poison – on one song, Dappy disses a “bisexual prick” and blames him for spreading Aids – but a little marketable homophobia never did Eminem any harm. Despite this, it’s all strangely family friendly. There’s a bit of larking about in boxing robes to the “Eye of the Tiger” riff, and Dappy gets the crowd to chant “Fazer is a plonker”. They stop just short of soliciting a “He’s behind you!!!”.

Whatever your preconceptions, N-Dubz’s urban panto is fun for all ages …. – Indy

Behind you – no, not that close, batty boy…

Anorak

Posted: 16th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Megan Fox, Sarah Palin And Miley Cyrus Break Out At The Teen Choice Awards

THE Teen Choice Awards is not a Government-run anti-drugs, anti-sex, anti-smoking campaign, but an awards show presented annually by FOX. Teens aged 13–19 vote for their idols.

And there is a special award to Kathy Griffin for snuggling up to Levi Johnston (pictured), who squired Sarah Palin’s daughter. If Kathy can just dye her hair and wear some pig lipstick, this could be the real thing.

Treading the green grass carpet are the Twilight cast (Robert Pattison, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed and Kellan Lutz) and such notables as David Beckham, Hayden Panettiere, Zac Efron, Britney Spears, Rupert The Bear, Rumur Willis, Megan Fox, Cameron Diaz, The Kardashians, Vanessa Hudgens, Jennifer Morrison, Keke Palmer, Gary Glitter, Alexis Bledel, Chace Crawford, Leighton Meester, Pitt The Younger, Ellen DeGeneres, Miley Cyrus, and Ashley Tisdale. (Anyone missed was also there.)

And with more than 85 awards to dish out, there’s one for everyone. It’s less of an award than a going home present.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Michael Jackson Died Three Times And Jennifer Aniston Is Pregnant

THIS Week In The National Enquirer: Michael Jackson died three times, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant, Britney Spears kidnap fears and Jessica Simpson deflates…

Jennifer Ansiton tells Brad Pitt she’s pregnant

“JEN’S BABY NEWS STUNS BRAD! – Jen tells Brad I think I’m pregnant”

Has Gerard Butler, Jen’s new co-star, left her with child? Well, possibly. A source says Jennifer told Brad that she was late on her monthly cycle and that might mean that she was pregnant, or not. Either way it’s huge news.

And it’s getting huger. Having told the world that Jen is embroiled in a “steamy affair” with the aforesaid Butler, readers are asked to wonder who might be the father of the baby that Jennifer Aniston might be having, or not…

Jessica Simpson Jilted Again!

It’s ambulatory inflatable doll Jessica Simpson, who has been dumped by Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback Tony Romo.

“Tony Romo was looking for just the right moment to finally get Jessica Simpson out of his life – and he found it at an international House of Pancakes in the middle of Texas!”

He waited for her to go to the syrup trough and hid behind a tall stack..?

The story goes that Romo pulled over and told Simpson to get out his car. She did. He drove off. She bounced around waiting for help…

Question of the week: Is Kevin Federline’s girlfriend pregnant?

The Enquirer says Vitoria Prince “felt sick while having lunch with Kevin”.

Anyone else feel sick when the see K-Ferret? Best get a pregnancy kit, or a paper bag?

Britney Spears Kidnap Horror!

“Singer terrified her kids will be KIDNAPPED OR KILLED”.

Kids views on matter not known.

“Michael Jackson died 3 times in 18 months – Before final overdose!”

The Enquirer says Jackson’s heart stopped beating a hears from a source:

“You have to wonder if it was all a game for Michael. Did he get some bizarre enjoyment when he flatlined or ‘died’? Maybe in his mind he thought things were beautiful on the other side…

“Once after doctors finally managed to wake him up, Michael said he’ had died and gone to heaven and it felt good.”

Suicide?

Now read on…

Image: 14

Anorak

Posted: 28th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Candy Spelling Writes Tori Spelling Into Her Paris Hilton Sitcom

CANDY Spelling, widowed wife of Hollywood legend Aaron Spelling, is using the corporate gossip site TMZ to reach out to her daughter Tori Spelling – who remains famous for the most audacious acting performance of all time when she played the blonde everyone fancied in Beverly Hills 90210, a show produced by her dad.

Now Candy Spelling is writing another chapter in her own sitcom. Candy is a woman of letters. As 14 points out:

She accused Britney Spears of being “famous for hideous, irresponsible actions“, informed Paris Hilton that she’s not as entitled as her money implies, and called Joe Francis a “poster boy for what happens when boys go wild“. Joe Francis lonely old woman living in a mansion full of 300 cats jumping around in their own feces.  didn’t take Candy’s advice lightly – he wrote back, speculating the she was a

The email begins:

TO: MIDDLE-AGED REALITY SHOW STARS (LIKE MY DAUGHTER)
FROM: CANDY SPELLING

I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn’t match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it’s the same way with my daughter.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Russian Teen Gets Britney Spears Tattoo On Chest

IRIAN Savina so loves Britney Spears that she travelled from Yekaterinburg to Moscow to see singer dry hump a pole and lip synch. She also got a tattoo of the performer on her chest.

Well, that’s what the press says. The tattoo could be of a young Brigitte Bardot or Limahl from Kajagoogoo.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Michael Jackson Planned Amy Winehouse Duet

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Michael Jackson’s duet with Amy Winehouse, his London tribute to Peter Doherty, and police hunt for Brit in London – Britney Spears? 

Star On Sunday: “Jacko Cops hunt Brit”

Brit? Britney! Britney Spears?!

AMERICAN police were targeting London last night in a bid to solve the riddle of Michael Jackson’s death.

London, Britney’s tamed Yorkshire terrier?

Detectives from the Los Angeles Police Department are ready to spend six months hunting down the doctors who kept the star pumped full of dodgy medication over the last 25 years.

And how do Britney Spears and London Spears fit in with this?

They are especially keen to question people close to Jackson when he was “spaced out” and “stumbling” while staying at the Lanesborough Hotel near London’s Hyde Park last March.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Britney Spears Teaches English At Russian Laguage School

USES for Britney Spears, No. 34 – a teacher of English in the Ling Way language centre, St Petersburg, Russia. Next stop, the salt mines. Take it away, yer all:

Can you spot the different between The Spearskovas and these real Britney Spears adverts:

Anorak

Posted: 10th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Britney Spears Stars In Holocaust Film The Yellow Star of Sophia And Eton

BRITNEY Spears is to shave her head in a professional capacity and star in Holocaust dilm The Yellow Star of Sophia And Eton. As reported:

“According to reports, Spears has been offered a part in the upcoming Holocaust film The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton, which integrates time travel, concentration camps and a love story.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Britain’s Got Talent’s Britney Spears’ Benefits Stopped

THE Celebrity Police Force tuned into Britain’s Got Talent, when Leicestershire’s 73-year-old break-dancer Fred Bowers took to the stage.

Fred Bowers did a roly-poly and step back and forward like aman unsure what do to next. He was sensation. He was also claiming benefits for a leg injury. But now that payment has been suspended while the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) investigates.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Katie Price Smells Worse Than Britney Spears And Jade Goody

AH, the smell of Katie Price, Jordan’s eponymous scent, produced from her distilled bed linen and scrapings from the inside of her person, close friends and sources.

But news from the world of official celebrity perfumes is grim:

Days after splitting with her husband Peter Andre, it has been revealed Katie Price’s celebrity scent has also sent the public packing.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

‘Britney Spears’ Arrested

NEWS now on Britney Spears. And news via the newswires that:

“Two men ordered to stay away from Britney Spears.”

How hard it is to stay away from Spears is something Anorak put to the test.

We dressed a mother of two with a history of mental illness and need-to-be-noticed issues in a blonde wig; we then extended the blonde wig by way of another longer blonde wig.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Britney Spears Pregnant With K-Ferret’s Girl

“IT’S a girl for Britney,” screams the National Enquirer’s headline, and readers are left to wonder if this is news of a ritual dose of Spears girl-on-girl action or of a baby?

It’s the headline that’s speaks to all sectors of the Britney Spears fan club – from celeb fanciers looking for a new name for their kebab-faced child all the way to men in caravan parks with pictures of Spears stuck on the ceiling over their beds and an effigy of the singer made from pillow cases, egg boxes and felt tips.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Britney Spears To Star In Wizard Of Oz

IN this video of Britney Spears, we can see the singer (blonde) having her hair extensions ripped out by the grandson of the lead flying monkey in the Wizard of Oz.

It’s all nepotism in Hollywood.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody’s Jack Tweed Is On Suicide Watch

BERFORE we get to the news that “Fragile” Jack Tweed, Mr Jade Goody, is on “suicide lag wing”, we introduce Sun scribes JAMES CLENCH and ANDY CRICK to nominative determinalism.

Clench and Crick tell us:

FRAGILE Jack Tweed has been locked in a tough jail’s secure hospital wing to protect him from hard-case lags, we can reveal. Bosses at Chelmsford Prison have put the terrified 21-year-old in a single cell alongside inmates on suicide watch amid fears he will be targeted.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)

Britney Stops Show Because Of Cigarette Smoke

BRITNEY Spears stopped her show in Vancouver last night because of smoke. No, not hers. You can’t sing and smoke. You can mime and smoke. But let’s move on…

Her sold-out Circus concert lasted just 15 minutes and three songs before it was stopped.

As mums rejoice and thank Britney for making it short, and dads consol themselves with web porn for missing out of a mother of two dry humping a microphone, some people actually boo.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Osama bin Laden Mistaken At Airport For Russell Brand

AT Manchester airport, face-recognition machines are in operation.

The Telegraph has seen an internal email:

“Update on the calibration – the facial recognition booths are letting passengers through at 30%. Changes appear to have been made without any explanation [or] giving anyone a reason for the machines [creating] what is in effect a 70% error rate.

“[The fact that] the machines do not operate at 100% is unacceptable. In addition it would be interesting to know why the acceptance level has been allowed to decrease.”

Anorak

Posted: 6th, April 2009 | In: Reviews | Comment

The Most Bizarre And Worst Celebrity Dolls Ever Made

BARBIE is 50 this year and Anorak brings you the 50 Things You Never Knew About Barbie. But Barbie is not the only celebrity doll. There have been others. And Anorak brings you the strangest, least-deserving, most bizarre and downright odd celebrity dolls ever – enjoy:

Karl Lagerfeld, Angelina Jolie, Ann Coulter, Bill Clinton, Bindi Irwin, Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Caylee Anthony, Charles Dickens, Diane Ross, Donald Trump, Drew Carey, Albert Einstein, Elton John,George Bush, Hillary Clinton, Hugh Hefner, Jennifer Lopez (NSFW), Jerry Springer, Jesus, John Travolta, Kelly Osbourne, Laura Bush, Lemme,Lindsay Lohan, Nirvana, The One, OJ, Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton,Princess Diana, Rosie O’Donnell (Barbie!), Sarah Palin (schoolgirl), Nicolas Sarkozy voodoo, Seth Godin, Snoop Dogg, Suzanne Somers (with thighs!), Sonny, Steve Irwin, Timberlake and Jackson, Tom Cruise, Tori Spelling, Vanilla Ice, Victoria Silvstedt, William Shakepeare action figure, Winston Churchill.

Karl Lagerfeld’s Credit Crunch Survival Tips.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Britney Spears’s Wet Cheeto Show

BRITNEY Spears is rehearsing for her new world tour by throwing tantrums and locking herself in her room.

It all promises to be an improvement on her usual performances, in which Britney mimes and dry humps the microphone while dancers flit around her like flies about a wet Cheeto.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Katy Perry Wins A Car-B-Cue At NRJ Awards

KATY Perry, the US answer to the rhetorical question that is Lily Allen, has won the Best International Song award at the NRJ (énergie – yeah, really) awards do.

Perry’s work at the coal face of lipstick lesbianism and faux yoof kulchure has made her a household name.

And…she wins! Only joking. Whoah, Katy, out the knife down. Ok, take the statuette of a burning car, but you’ll have to give it back. Whoaah! OK, keep it. There a thousand more where that one came from.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Britney Spears Moves To Her Own Island

2009BRITNEY Spears tells MTV, in the documentary Britney: For The Record of her desire to live on an island.

“That would be heaven – to have my kids on an island, and a man, and nobody can get to us.”

It’s the kind of comment that makes we Britons, an island race, count our blessings.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Little Girls And Boys Want To F*** Britney Spears

BRITNEY SPEARS, that Max Wall impersonator extraodianaire, is miming to her new tune If You Seek Amy.

Some do. But not everyone likes what they hear. An Australian mothers’ group laments:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Katie Holmes Would Beat Britney Spears To Hollywood’s Highest Earning Whore

KRISTIN Billie Davis, formerly of Wicked Models escort service, frequented by now former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, tells Steppin Out magazine what various celebs – Britney Spears, Katie Holmes etc. – would earn if she pimped them out.

Davis reveals herself to be the worst agent since Alan Shearer’s advisor told him to turn down Manchester United.

Her top earner is… Katie Holmes. The best thing about Holmes is that she can keep going for hours, days, even weeks at a time without taking a rest. Punters may even pay her extra to stop.

1. Britney Spears: If she cleaned herself up maybe I could get a thousand dollars an hour for her. But if was the old Britney before she went crazy I could have gotten $2,000 easy.

Mad for it!

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 4th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment