JK Rowling Thinks Phone Hackers Are ‘Dicks’

AFTER the mind-melting success of the Harry Potter books, JK Rowling is able to do as she pleases. She’s clearly still got a huge love for writing and, as we know, she’s got balls bigger than Godzilla.

So, in her next novel, she’s decided to have a go at those responsible for phone-hacking.

Rowling’s second crime thriller (which is written under her pseudonym Robert Galbraith) will use her own experiences under oath at the Leveson Inquiry after she suffered at the hands of press intrusion.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, July 2014 | In: Books, Celebrities | Comment

Celebrity Sex Offenders Get Longer Prison Sentences Than Your Local Priest, Policeman Or Dad

THIS is insane. And unfair. And mad. Sky News reports:

Celebrities who use their public image to commit a sexual offence could soon face longer prison terms.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, December 2013 | In: Reviews | Comments (7)

Surprisingly, Catherine Zeta Jones splits up with the elderly Michael Douglas

NO-ONE saw Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas getting together. He, older than Mumm-Ra, she, precious and dead-eyed, made for one of the most unusual couples in Hollywood.

With huge surprise, it turns out that they are taking a break from their marriage.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, September 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Bee Gees And Michael Jackson Collaboration Caught On Video

FACE it – The Bee Gees are one of the greatest groups to ever cut a record ever. Their back catalogue is simply astonishing, running through psychedelia, concept albums, disco, pop and not to mention all the great songs they wrote for other.

Now, mix that with the breathtaking body of work made by Michael Jackson and you have something that is quite giddifying.

Okay, Dangerous was the last time Jackson did anything of note and the Bee Gees haven’t made a decent record since You Win Again, but y’know, before that, they were unstoppable. Right?

The two camps got their weird faces together and recorded a song called ‘All In Your Name’, and the video (which you can watch below) shows them in the studio together, writing and recording the track.

Gibb says:

“Michael Jackson and I were the dearest of friends, that’s simply what it was. We gravitated towards the same kind of music and we loved collaborating and he was the easiest person to write with.”

“The more we got to know each other the more those ideas entwined and it all came to this song ‘All In Your Name’. “All in Your Name” is in fact the message that Michael wanted to send out to all of his fans all over the world that he did it all for them and for the pure love of music. I hope and pray that we all get to hear it in its entirety. This experience I will treasure forever.”

So have a listen. It isn’t very good, but still.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 26th, February 2013 | In: Music | Comment (1)

Simon Cowell and other celebs read out Twitter insults on video

WHILE Mary Beard boo-hoos about some people being tasteless and puerile about her, other famous people are taking online insults in their stride and turning it into laughter!

Jimmy Kimmel has been running a segment on his show, featuring celebrities reading out nasty tweets about themselves.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 25th, January 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kate Middleton and Prince William: No ‘sex for months’

ARE you one of those people who preoccupies themselves with how much and what kind of sex other people are having? Is this because there’s so little of it in your life you like to live vicariously through the groins of others? Or is it just a case of being a nosey bugger who gets loads either way?

Well, genital enthusiasts, you’ll be thrilled to learn that someone is saying that Prince William and his glamorous commoner wife, Kate Middleton, aren’t getting any, at all, for ages. The poor lambs. No Royal Baby for you braying flag-wavers, that’s for sure.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 13th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Battle of the Mels: Spice Girls at war over invariably awful musical

WRITING a musical is hard work, so why not skip much of the creative process and based it around the back catalogue of a campy, successful band? We’re looking at you, Queen and ABBA. And seeing as the collective member are all completely insane, it comes as no surprise that there’s going to be Spice Girls: The Musical.

Or will there? You see, while theatre producer Judy Cramer (responsible for the awful-but-giganto-hit Mamma Mia!) has been working on the production 2010 and there’s the small matter of Jennifer Saunders (now the female Ben Elton-esque sellout swine) writing the original script, the process is getting awkward.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Charlie Sheen wishes his massive breakdown on anyone else

TIGER BLOOD is nothing something Charlie Sheen runs on any longer, which is a shame because he was kinda fun when he looked like he was about to die from sheer lunacy, porn-overload and suitcases of cocaine. However, once he started making money from his despairing situation, he started to straighten up.

And then everyone got bored. It was very much a case of Get Rich And Die Glorious or Live And Fade Into Obscurity. He went for the latter.

Looking back at his insanery, he has know idea how it all happened, almost like an out of body experience, although he wishes it was someone else’s body it happened to. Presumably so he could join in with watching the hilarious of someone fragmenting in public, getting dumped by two goddesses and unceremoniously being fired from his main source of income.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 30th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito to follow up Twins with Eddie Murphy in Triplets

WHAT you’re about to read is one of the most disturbing and potentially brilliant things you’ll ever digest. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito will be revisiting their awful family comedy, Twins. If that isn’t a weird enough notion in itself, they’ll be drafting Eddie Murphy for this sequel, which will be called Triplets. 

Yes. You heard.

The brothers Julius and Vincent are going to discover that they have a third genetically-conceived sibling and that person just happens to be Eddie Murphy who will no doubt be itching to play as many characters in the film as he can (as opposed to, y’know, sticking to one character and making it half decent).

According to reports, Schwarzenegger, DeVito and Murphy are all signed up for this obviously terrible idea. However, it is such a godawful notion, that it will surely be a must for those among you who love watching a carcrash unfold.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 30th, March 2012 | In: Film | Comment

Michelle Williams and Jason Segel become coolest couple in the world?

CELEBRITY couples are, for the most part, a gigantic pain in the balls. They parade themselves like parrots, squawking away at the paps and flaunting their extraordinary lives at us in a series of courtside seats, huge yachts and red carpet events. All the while, we stare at our Super Noodles and wonder how many ways we can conjure up our hatred.

However, not all celebrity couples are hateful, loathsome swine. Rumour has it, we’ve just got the nicest, coolest couple in the universe.

Apparently, Michelle Williams has fallen head-over-heels in love with Jason Segel, making them the most pleasant pairing of celebrities since Karl and Lenny from The Simpsons. A source told Us Weekly: “They are smitten and very serious.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 29th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Bobby Brown arrested for DUI, and announces Vegas wedding to Whitney Houston

WHILE Whitney Houston has barely cooled the soil around her in the ground, the circus that blighted her life continues apace. Mere days after the coroner announced that Whitney died of accidental drowning, her ex-husband Bobby Brown was arrested for driving under the influence.

Brown was pulled over on Monday in the San Fernando Valley for talking on his phone. After the police started talking to him, they suspected he might not be ‘all there’, leading the singer to fail his field sobriety test. Of course, Bobby had a tumultuous 14-year marriage with Houston and a long history of drug and alcohol abuse and troubles with the long arm of the law.

Yet, despite all this, it appears that Whitney Houston was planning to remarry Bobby Brown in Las Vegas with their daughter Bobbi Kristina. That’d be Bobbi Kristina who looks like she’s getting her leg over with her ‘brother’. No wonder Whitney was whacked out of her mind all the time.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ashton Kutcher is being sent into space, away from humanity

SPACE is the final frontier apparently. It is also destined to be the resting place of imbecilic goof factory, Ashton Kutcher who is probably going to end up dead and orbiting our Earth.

The Two and a Half Men star is the 500th customer to sign up for Virgin Galactic, which of course, is Richard Branson’s business venture where he’ll take wealthy people into space. Branson made the announcement Monday on his blog.

“I gave Ashton a quick call to congratulate and welcome him,” he wrote. “He is as thrilled as we are at the prospect of being among the first to cross the final frontier (and back!) with us and to experience the magic of space for himself.”

“Ashton is joining a fast expanding group of true pioneers who are on their way to a life changing experience and a place in the history books. It’s great to have him on board.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Rihanna finally speaks out about Chris Brown collaboration

RIHANNA is an infuriating human being, mainly because she’s always in earshot talking about sex. Constantly. Unswervingly. Sex sex sex sex sex until its as boring as talking about shoe-horns. However, the other story that has swirled around her is her relationship with Chris Brown.

Of course, Brown beat Rihanna up and is still on probation about it all. To confuse matters, RiRi went and recorded a couple of duets with him. It seems everyone has forgiven Breezy, apart from the confused few left looking at the situation and wondering when someone may actually mention the whole ‘being sorry for beating Rihanna up’ thing.

And now, at last, Rihanna has something to say about it all!

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 16th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kim Kardashian wants a little privacy for her next wedding (stop laughing)

THE last wedding Kim Kardashian had was televised in her reality show, prompting a marriage that lasted around the same length of time it takes a mayfly to live and die. Everyone cried ‘SHAM!’ at her and Kris Humphries, Kim K’s beleaguered and incredibly dimwitted husband, got all stompy and upset about it.

Kim clearly didn’t understand why everyone loathed her so much (being rich and of no-fixed-talent never helped anyone to be loved) and burrowed away and had a long thing about her next move.

And so, here she is, talking about getting married again.

“When I saw Khloé and Lamar get married — and they had their wedding on TV — I thought, ‘Oh, my gosh, that’s so exciting! That’s what I want!'” Kardashian told Allure magazine. “If you were to ask me now, that’s not what I want … I would just want it to be so special, with our family and close friends, and that’s it. Somewhere on a deserted island, very private. No cameras.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 15th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Madonna chides Karl Lagerfeld over Adele comments

MADONNA is a woman who has courted controversy for gain in the past, just like a stream of celebrities have done before and since. However, she’s obviously feeling a bit sensitive at the moment, taking time about to lambast controversial fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld.

See, Karl recently said that Adele was ‘a little too fat’. Now, of course, he also said that she had a ‘divine voice’. We’re not sure which is more debatable. She is clearly ‘a little fat’ and her voice is… well… ‘often in-tune but quite often bellowed and abrasive’.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Engelbert Humperdinck to represent the UK at Eurovision

EUROVISION is getting among everyone again, and in the latest desperate, needy grab at being loved, the UK has tried to second guess the tastes of Europe by going insultingly kitsch and camp and hired Engelbert Humperdinck to represent.

Yes. An aging, prema-tanned man who does the jobs Tom Jones turns down.

Of course, that’s no slight on Engelbert because, face it, Quando Quando Quando is a toweringly good song and Release Me is a bona fide wedding reception classic. But will he get us loving looks from a collection of countries that essentially hate us?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Does everyone know about Zac Efron’s public condom?

SO, you’re Zav Efron on the red carpet and being upstaged by all-manner of women showing their legs and arse-cleavage in their expensive gowns. Thinking that no-one in their right mind would bother looking at some bloke in Yet Another Tuxedo, you aimless amble your way to the premiere.

If you look like Zac Efron, people are looking at you because they like your well-sculpted face. You don’t notice them as you fumble around in your pocket. And while you do, something falls out onto the floor and suddenly, you’re aware that your entire surroundings has become a strobefest as the paps flood your brain with flashes.

At last week’s Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax premiere, Zac Efron dropped a condom on the red carpet because he was obviously going to be getting lucky that night.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Pregnant Chantelle still shagging Alex Reid despite being massively pregnant because he might cheat on her

CLASSY news time and Britain’s most simultaneously gruesome but haplessly likeable couple (likeable in a way that, they’re so blissfully stupid that you can’t help but wish them well after being mangled by the gawdawful machinery of fame) Alex Reid and  fiancée Chantelle Houghton are talking about their sex lives.

They’ve announced that they will definitely be having more than one child together, which is all well and normal. However, it is the way they talk about it which may make you dry-heave.

Chantelle is 5 months pregnant with their baby daughter and Alex is already planning for them to have a boy, too. In slightly rapey tones, Reid says:

“She has no choice. She’s going to get Reidernated again!”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Zayn Quits One Direction!

NOT ones to entirely mock the bereaving, Zayn Malik is absolutely and definitely quitting One Direction.

That’s right! He’s left the US tour and won’t be coming back! For a short while! Because his Auntie died! And he’s going to the funeral!

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Chris Brown slurs Christal Spann before stealing her phone?

TEAM BREEZY may be willing to defend Chris Brown against almost anything, but surely the rest of the known universe is getting tired of him already? First he beat Rihanna up, then he released a load of dreadful RnB, then he played the victim because everyone wanted to bring the whole domestic violence thing up and then, astonishingly, he won a Grammy and started collaborating with Rihanna again using the wifebeater thing as a promotional backdrop and got involved in a row with a WWE wrestler.

And now, because he still seems to be an angry dimwit, he’s allegedly stolen someone’s phone and called them a bitch.

Yessir, according to reports, Brown has gone mental at a lady called Christal Spann. Apparently, the singer stole Spann’s phone outside a nightclub in Miami.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 24th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Britney Spears to lose her bap on X Factor panel?

JUST when Simon Cowell had got rid of one insane, glassy-eyed mentalist in the shape of Paula Abdul, he’s got another one making the drunken come-on eye at him. That’s right – Britney Spears thinks the best way to put all those troubles behind her, is to take on the job of judge on the X Factor, where you have to make people cry and perform like monkeys for you.

That’ll end well, won’t it?

Cowell needs to replace Abdul and fired Nicole Scherzinger and Britney is in the running along with Janet Jackson, Pink and Mariah Carey.

A friend of Spears said:

“She’s a huge fan of ‘The X Factor’ and thinks it’s the perfect time for her to be a judge. She wants to show her fans she is back to her best and where better to do that than on national TV every week?”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 23rd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Robert Pattinson quits Twilight franchise (Berlin photos)

TWEENS! Prepare to cry all the water out of your body. Why? Robert Pattinson – officially the dullest human on the face of this Earth – is not going to play Edward Cullen anymore in the Twilight films. Cut THAT into your arm with your Hello Kitty geometry set.

That’s right kiddies – if Stephenie Meyer writes more Twilight books and they’re made into movies, R Pattz won’t be involved.

Despite being roughly as charismatic as an old Vileda Supermop in a skip, Pattz isn’t daft enough to diss the franchise. Rather, he’s just thinking logistics. That’s because he’s so criminally boring.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Livestream of Whitney Houston’s star-studded Funeral irks fans

THE funeral of Whitney Houston will be streamed live on the internet for all to see. The basic premise is that people who wouldn’t normally get the chance to grieve at the funeral will be able to send their thoughts from afar. Quite simple really and an idea that is becoming more common.

However, some fans of late superstar are thoroughly unhappy that there will be a broadcast of the funeral, with some going as far as saying the whole thing is ‘vile’. The funeral will be taking place tomorrow (Feb 18th), and one fan tweeted about the ‘show’: “What is wrong with people? Why are they gonna broadcast Whitney Houston’s funeral on CNN? That should be private” while another added: “Who the hell would want to watch Whitney Houston’s funeral live on the internet? Vile and disgusting.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 17th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Whitney Houston had sedatives in her system and eyes turn to ‘secret son’ Nicholas Gordon

LIKE it or not, Whitney Houston wasn’t just any old celebrity. She was in the Jimi Hendrix/John Lennon/Marvin Gaye calibre of talent. Her voice, as an instrument, rivaled Coltrane or Keith Moon with what she could do with it, regardless of your tastes.

And like so many before, Whitney’s personal life got in the way of that gift and took her too early. And now, the circus of her death is the last hurrah of her tabloid being. The fullstop will surely come with an answer of how?, rather than why?

And preliminary autopsy results have revealed that sedatives were in the singer’s system. It has been claimed that prescription drugs including Lorazepam, Valium and Xanax were found in Whitney’s room and LA County Coroner Assistant Chief Ed Winter says the results of this preliminary test are likely to be made public this week and determine which of these drugs were in her system when she died.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 14th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lana Del Rey: living on hate and daddy’s hand-outs

HAVE you ever heard a cow giving birth? It’s a horrible, guttural, depressing noise. So to, is the appalling singing voice of Latest Hot Thang, Lana Del Rey, who has based her fledgling career on daddy’s paycheck, giant lips and making songs that take all their inspiration from 13 year old girl’s Tumblr blogs.

And yet, Del Rey has no idea why she has so many ‘haters’. Or, as they were once called ‘perfectly legitimate critics’.

This week, Lana saw Karl Lagerfeld piping up, saying: “Lana Del Rey is not bad at all. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants?”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 9th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)