Jay Z and Beyonce try to trademark their own daughter Blue Ivy

WHAT is the nicest thing your parents have ever done for you? Did they buy you that mountain bike you always asked for? Did they pay you through university, where you met your fiancee? Did they split-up?

Well, Jay Z and Beyonce have decided that they want to do the nice thing of officially trademarking their daughter, Blue Ivy. That’s right. They want her to be an equivalent of a Dyson vacuum cleaner, according to the Washington Post.

They made the application after learning that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office had already turned down two applications to use the name ‘Blue Ivy’.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Harry Potter hates the Lib Dems and wants to pay loads of tax

WE live in a world where we look to fictional wizards for political guidance, such is the rousing failure of our politicians to engage us all. And so, with baited breath, we look to Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe, who wants to talk about grown-up things.

What’s this?! It appears that Radcliffe has made a dramatic U-turn on his support for the Liberal Democrats! He thinks they’ve become “unviable” since leader Nick Clegg formed a coalition government with the Conservatives!

Talking to Attitude Magazine, the palest wizard of them all looked back on the year in politics, saying:

“Nick Clegg has become a whipping boy. He has been totally used by the Tories. Anything they don’t want badly reflected on them, they reflect on to him. It’s very unfortunate when you think how impressive he was in those pre-election debates. But he has made so many concessions”.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 6th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Russell Brand and Zooey Deschanel to become deeply unlikeable couple?

YOU may think Russell Brand or, indeed, Zooey Deschanel, is attractive enough to warrant a lustful thought. However, once you stop staring at their collective bone-structures and actually listen to them for one second, you’ll find that any yearning will turn into a white-hot, furious, knuckle-breaking anger.

So imagine, if you will, now that this pair are now absolutely single and fancy-free, them getting together to make a pairing so mind-meltingly jarring that they could burn a hole in space.

And you may not have to imagine at all as Brand has reportedly got his sexual dowsing rod out and set the controls for Zooey!

The best thing about Deschanel for Brand is that she pretty much looks exactly like an indie-approved version of his ex wife, Katy Perry. She’s definitely one of those awful, awful Smiths fans, just like Russell. Just imagine them, sitting in a decadent, boho lounge, whispering Girlfriend In A Coma at each other.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 6th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Authorities to release jolly 911 recording of Demi Moore

DESPITE  the fact it goes without saying, that Demi Moore was in a state of high distress when she called for the emergency services to come take her to hospital, that simply isn’t enough.

We want to know exactly how distressed she was. We need to hear a famous woman worried that she’s going to die, right?

And so, thankfully, the authorities are set to release a 911 call made from Demi Moore’s home earlier this week. We get to hear the panic brought on by seizures, alleged drug abuse and potential anorexia. It’s just the kind of thing we all need to pull us out of this post-Christmas slump.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (13)

Whitney Houston: Broke thanks to crack investment

IMAGINE how much money Whitney Houston has made in her lifetime. She’s been around since time began and had a string of gigantic hits as well as starring in some very successful films. You’d think that she has so much money, she’d never find the time to spend it all.

However, our Whitney decided to get addicted to crack cocaine and, astonishingly and impressively, she’s broke. All that money. Gone.

According to a number of reports the singer has spent all of her fortune, including a reported $100million record deal. How is that even possible?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 25th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp split: Irritatingly cryptic

THE split between Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis has been something of a shock. No-one saw it coming. Most had forgotten they were married in the first place, thanks largely to the pair not being massive fame-slags like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their three-thousand imported children.

Alas, the rumour-mill is certain they have gone their separate ways, presumably so Depp can go full-time and appear in every single Tim Burton film with Helena Bonham Carter until the end of time.

Until then, we’ve got some cryptic horsefeed to deal with. And Vanessa Paradis has stopped humming Joe Le Taxi long enough to say something so jarringly cod-clever that you might puke into your hand.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 24th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Marine sues ‘prostitute’ Lindsay Lohan to be sued over her role in Osama bin Laden’s death (?!?!?!?!)

HURRAY! When Lindsay Lohan stopped all that Getting In Trouble Almost Constantly thing, we all feared she’d become something of a dullard. Some even feared she might find God or something awful like that. Instead, she did a Playboy spread and showed us her freckled boobies, which was very charitable of her.

Mercifully, the circus won’t stop because, when LiLo is behaving, the rest of the world can go mental around her. Just take a look at Thomas A. Green, a man who believes that the actress played a role in the death of Osama Bin Laden and that she’s also “might be a high end prostitute”.

Ambulance chasers TMZ claim to have obtained a copy of the lawsuit written by an “apparently delusional” Green and describes it as “incoherent gibberish”.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 18th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mariah Carey makes soup and becomes an instant hero!

JUST over a week after posting one of the most unintentionally funny photos online, and of course, being hospitalised for “mild kidney failure”, Mariah Carey’s husband, Nick Cannon, stepped out into the limelight for the first time and praised her for being a “hero” during his ‘ordeal’.

Cannon said, without any trace of irony:

“When times are hard, you guys don’t see her at 3 o’clock in the morning, getting up in the middle of the night, fixing me soup when my kidneys ain’t acting right. Mariah Carey does that.”

Get housemaid to open tin. Pour into pan. Heat up. Serve. Become hero.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 16th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

$94k of unpaid taxes says Lindsay Lohan isn’t trouble-free just yet

AWW! Just when it looked like Lindsay Lohan was going to get her life back on track, a whole bunch of stuff keeps tapping her on the shoulder to remind her that, basically, she’s going to be in the bad books for the rest of eternity. Fact of the matter is, LiLo could be beatified by a pope and everyone would simply assume she’d been molesting nuns.

Poor Lindsay.

And now, drug problems, wild-childery, assault claims, dodgy tattoos, ill advised trysts and jewel stealery out of the way, she now got the tax man after her.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Justin Bieber Likes To Talk To God – God To Blame For Dreadful Music

MAYBE it is down to the fact that Justin Bieber is roughly 4 years old that he likes to talk to his imaginary friend. Lots of children have them don’t they? They run around with their little fingers wagging shouting “RED RUM! RED RUM!” in the most adorable way.

And Justin’s little invisible pal is called, charmingly, ‘God’.

He loves his imaginary friend so much that he’s got this whole story about him visiting Earth in the form of a man called ‘Jesus’. It’s adorable really. He’s even got a tattoo of ‘Jesus’ on his leg. Regrettably, the tattoo shows a man who looks like Brian Kilcline who used to play for Coventry City.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 9th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Sinead O’Connor: No longer getting divorced (this’ll end well)

MARRIAGE is a daft idea in the first place, but some people are determined to do it, which is fine and all. One person you’d probably advise away from it (as well as any sharp objects) is Sinead O’Connor who recently announced she was getting divorced after being married for roughly 82 seconds.

However, that’s all changed as she’s decided to get back with husband Barry Herridge in what promises to be the most on/off on/off on/off on/off on/off on/off on/off on/off on/off on/off on/off on/off relationship in human history. Either way, it was rutting like barnyard animals that got things back on track.

“Spent a beautiful evening of love making with none other than my husband,” the Irish rocker wrote on her website. “We decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend again and stay married, but we did rush [into marriage].” She then went onto predict that they will be “sickeningly happy” together and says she plans to meet with a marriage guidance wizard or something.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 5th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lady GaGa is a Satan worshipper! Quite possibly!

BLOOD! Imagine it! Imagine it in a bath! Terrible eh? Now, it appears that Lady GaGa had a bath filled with blood in a London hotel for some reason. That reason, many are presuming, is part of some Satanic ritual.

Of course, this is exactly the kind of thing that Lady GaGa thrives on. She’s very keen for us all to believe that she’s as eccentric off-stage as she is on it.

A stunned hotel worker told website Truthquake:

“Lady GaGa left large amounts of blood in the suite during a stay this summer. The incident was reported to the concierge, who was told to put it out of her mind.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 3rd, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mournfully fold your best knickers away: Justin Timberlake is engaged to Jessica Biel

YOU may well fancy the very pants off Justin Timberlake and, as well you might. He’s obviously talented, charming, self-deprecating and – if rumours are to be believed – in possession of a rather large ‘lad’.

However, that doesn’t mean you needy fans are getting any closer to wooing him. In fact, you’ve never been further away because, sadly for you and your best frilly knickers which you were saving for JT, he’s apparently engaged to Jessica Biel.

That’s right. He was supposed to propose to you, but he’s gone and done it to someone better looking and much, much wealthier than you. Someone who doesn’t scream constantly at the very mention of his name.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 21st, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Charlie Sheen Says Ex Isn’t A Drug Dealer And He’s A Very Trustworthy Source

TIGERBLOOD! Remember when everyone thought it was very funny to say that? It was like those Budweiser toads all over again. Effectively, wearisome after five minutes.

That said, through that period, Charlie Sheen was good value. He punched a chandelier, he ran around with a suitcase filled with cocaine, he stood atop a radio station wafting a machete around and was rumoured to have entirely gold teeth.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Michael Barrymore, shockingly, admits to cocaine possession

MICHAEL Barrymore is a cad isn’t he? He ruled the light-entertainment world with his long, long legs, bug-eyed stared, AWIGHT and of course, his obvious hatred for the general public. With Strike It Lucky, My Kind Of People/Music, Barrymore was untouchable.

Then someone died in his swimming pool and it all went wrong.

Since then, Barrymore has been a bankrupt drunk and Celebrity Big Brother crackpot, never really recreating his madcap popularity, preferring instead, to be a damaged has-been. BBC Four will make a cracking docu-drama on him one of these days.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 7th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Lewis Hamilton May Be Wealthy, But He’s Still Depressingly Desperate When It Comes To Nicole Scherzinger

IMAGINE. You’re one of the most respected Formula One drivers on the planet. You’re reasonably good looking. You’re wealthy. You’ve got a number of lucrative advertising contracts. The world is at your feet (the one that presses the accelerator at least).

Yet, you still own a penis.

And it’s Lewis Hamilton’s member that’s making him all sad and desperate. See, despite his wealth and fame, he doesn’t like the fact that Nicole Scherzinger isn’t his girlfriend anymore.

And so, despite the fact they split only in October, Lewis isn’t giving up on the X Factor USA judge. Nosiree. Not even if he looks like a desperate teenager.

A source (to be massively trusted, of course) told the Daily Mail (also to be hugely trusted):

“Lewis is on a full-on mission to get Nicole back. He’s been having her favourite flowers and thoughtful gifts delivered to her LA home and to the set of US X Factor. He misses her terribly and has told friends he won’t stop until he’s won her over.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 7th, December 2011 | In: Sports | Comment

Madonna To Play In Superbowl, Quite Possibly As A Wide Receiver

MADONNA’S appearance at the next Super Bowl has been one of the worst kept secrets in sports-entertainment. Just like [Whoa there Mr Libel! Name removed by Ed.] being a quite obvious closeted homosexual. Even their wife knows it fercryinoutloud!

Anyway, it has finally been confirmed that Her Madge will be doing the halftime show at Super Bowl XLVI on February 5th. The gig has been rumoured for some time now and it’s clear that the NFL and associated TV stations want to get someone properly famous with a decent back-catalogue on the show after last year’s awful Black Eyed Peas debacle.

And all the stops are being pulled out to say sorry, we won’t book a faddy pop band again as Madonna’s extravaganza will be “imagined” by Cirque du Soleil and her longtime choreographer/creative director Jamie King.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 5th, December 2011 | In: Sports | Comment

Brad Pitt Helps Suicidal Fan At Screening Of His Film By Quoting The Little Book Of Calm

HOLLYWOOD is full of idiots and simpletons, but Brad Pitt seems like a good enough chap. And that idea was only furthered when he had some supportive words for a suicidal fan following a special screening of his new movie, Moneyball.

Was the fan suicidal because ‘Moneyball’ is so gaspingly dreadful?

At the Q&A session, Pitt heard how an aspiring actor had been struggling with suicidal thoughts earlier in the day and that, unfathomably, the baseball biopic gave him “a renewed sense of hope”.

A source told USmagazine.com:

“Brad said ‘Look, man, life is up and down, it’s a vicious cycle, but you have to go through it and deal with that. You can be down, but then you come back up again, and every failure can lead to success’.

“Brad handled the situation really well in front of several hundred people – it was a difficult moment that shocked everyone.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Charlize Theron Was Bullied At School By People Probably Masturbating Over Her Right Now

BULLYING is no laughing matter, unless of course, someone you hate is being bullied like a racist or a sexist. Bullying is really great then because it’s righteous.

Of course, celebrities were once humans and one such star, Charlize Theron, has revealed that she was bullied at her high school. Bullied, presumably, like loads of other people were bullied who didn’t go on to be hugely famous and masturbated over.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 28th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

What Does Lady GaGa Want In Her Dream partner?

WHEN you’re famous, you can demand what you like from a potential suitor. And with Lady GaGa being not-ugly and not-at-all-poor, she can totally decide what she wants from a suitor. So what’s she after? Someone who will treat her like a human being? Someone who cut through the celebrity icing and see the real person beneath?

Don’t be stupid. Celebrities want someone to absolutely and thoroughly buy into their importance. They feed off it. That’s how you get tough enough for the bitch-fight at the top of the pile (before it eventually eats you).

And so, GaGa has been asked about her dream partner. She likes them to have passion and ambition (two meaningless things, granted) but she still finds herself attracted to a wide variety of men. HOW WIDE? WE MUST KNOW!

“It ranges from a really big d**k to a degree at Harvard,” she told to The Sun. “[Plus] talent and perseverance and pushing the boundaries of love and acceptance.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 25th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lady GaGa’s Version Of White Christmas Is Leaked AND SHE’S ADDED HER OWN VERSE

SHE may be better known for making barnstorming enormopop and wearing outfits that Grace Jones may get jealous of, but to anyone who has even vaguely followed the career of Lady GaGa, you’ll know she’s got a sappy side.

And with that, there’s been a lot of talk about a Christmas EP coming our way from Mother Monster called A Very GaGa Holiday. Guess what? One of the songs from it has leaked online.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 23rd, November 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)

Tori Spelling’s Boobies Get Leaked Online By Accident! Photos

REMEMBER Tori Spelling from Beverley Hills 90201 (the original series)? She was the blonde airhead one who we weren’t supposed to like. Well, the apple didn’t stray too far from the tree because Tori is the airhead daughter of the very famous American TV producer, Aaron Spelling.

He gave us Love Boat, Hart To Hart, Starsky & Hutch, Fantasy Island, Charlie’s Angels and, you guessed it, Beverley Hills 90210.

Anyway, Tori’s husband decided to tweet a picture of his child with a rolling pin on its head for some reason and, blammo! There they are! In the background! What appear to be the vaguely famous Tori Spelling’s breasts.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 18th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Sting Looks At Dwindling Career And Decides That CDs Are Dying

STING is a man who has an amazing life. He’s wealthy and known for his immense sexual feats. That’s all anyone wants from life, right? Sadly for Sting, he’s also roundly loathed for being unbearably smug.

Either way, his career isn’t exactly firing on all cylinders these days. It seems the world’s appetite for lute anthems isn’t what it once was. Of course, the last time lutes were in demand, Britons lived in bushes and ate conkers.

Seeing as his career is on the wane, Sting has looked at the world and decided that the humble CD won’t be around for much longer. Funnily enough, he’s just released his own ‘Sting 25’ app this week. Odd that someone should say something vaguely controversial when they have something to promote. Oh! He’s just announced some tour dates too!

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 16th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Michael Jackson’s Reckless Death Is Pinned On Conrad Murray: Who’s Really Bad?

SO, Michael Jackson’s personal ‘feelgood doctor’, Conrad Murray, has been convicted of involuntary manslaughter. This apparently provides closure for those who have tried to make sense of the pop icon’s death in June 2009. Because for many, the idea that Jackson died a tragic, accidental death as a troubled star who was under a lot of pressure, that he was simply an afflicted man who finally dug too deep into the medicine cabinet, apparently just won’t do.

The six-week trial didn’t only lay bare intimate details of MJ’s life and death, beginning with the distribution of gruesome images of his body in a hospital gurney and a photo of his naked body at the autopsy – it also revealed that, today, the idea that tragedy sometimes strikes, for little explicable reason, has limited traction.

Image: Michael Jackson’s sister La Toya Jackson leaves the Criminal Justice Center, Monday, Nov. 7, 2011, in Los Angeles, after it was announced that Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson’s physician when the pop star died in 2009, was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter.

Nathalie Rothschild

Posted: 9th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Robert Downey Jr Wants Us All To Forgive Mel Gibson For Some Reason

MEL GIBSON is not a popular man in Hollywood. He’s been accused of hating Jews, dropping the ‘N’ bomb in THOSE taped phone rants, slapping his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva and generally being mental. Just how unpopular is he? Mel was asked to leave his role in The Hangover 2 after complaints from cast and crew. That’s The Hangover 2 which stars convicted rapist, Mike Tyson.

THAT unpopular.

But he’s found a friend in Robert Downey Jr who is asking Hollywood to forgive and forget.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 17th, October 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)