Posts Tagged ‘Celebrities’
Courtney Love To Write Not-Mental-In-Any-Way Autobiography
SHE may have a face like Janice from Dr Teeth’s band, but that hasn’t stopped Courtney Love from draping herself over various pieces of furniture and accidentally tweeting naked pictures of herself for all to see (see below).
She’s great isn’t she? That’s with the caveat of enjoying watching very long, slow nervous breakdowns.
And so, with that, you’ll be thrilled to learn that she’s writing her “no holds barred” memoir, which will once again see the Hole frontwoman digging up Kurt Cobain’s corpse and leaning on it so hard it snaps in two.
Let’s not forget her fondness for hoovering up drugs, her dependency on prescription drugs and the fact that her daughter, Frances, absolutely despises her, allegedly.
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Posted: 30th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Lady GaGa Pours Champagne Onto The Disabled People Of New York
WHAT is the correct term of disabled people these days? Obviously ‘people’ is more than adequate as one doesn’t want to define everyone by their disabilities.
However, in this instance, their disability is key to the story as we attempt to paint a picture of Lady GaGa being ghoulish and nasty.
See, the singer – while at a New York Giants game – was pictured pouring champagne into a section designated for handicapped fans at MetLife Stadium last night.
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Posted: 20th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Lindsay Lohan Back On Form As She’s Accused Of Lobbing A Drink At A Photographer!
TIGER BLOOD may no longer be running through Charlie Sheen’s veins, now that he’s announced he’s sober/tedious, but that doesn’t mean we have to give up on gawping at tragic celebrities who can’t stay out of trouble. See: Lindsay Lohan.
That’s because, despite her best efforts, Lindsay Lohan is causing small controversy again.
This time, she’s ALLEGEDLY (great word – you can write any ol’ junk if you include it in an article) thrown a drink over a photographer at a New York Fashion Week junket.
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Posted: 15th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Should The Next Doctor Who Be A Woman?
NERDS! How do you feel about the prospect of Doctor Who having boobs? Essentially, the question here is that, should there be a Doctor Whoman, would you be angry, disappointed or aroused?
You may think ‘It’ll never happen!’ thanks to some spurious tidbit of knowledge you gleaned from some grotty reference book you’ve had since you were eight, but the calls for the writers of this Whovian slop to branch out increase, year on year.
And now, John Barrowman is shouting too. In a really tuneful, stage-school way, naturally.
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Posted: 14th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Brian May Considered Suicide But Still Lives On In Those Clogs Of His
KEEN star-gazer and Tory brown-nose, Brian May From Queen, has admitted to irritated journalists, that he considered killing himself following the death of Freddie Mercury in 1991.
Sadly, he talked himself out of it and went on to perform the UK national anthem on top of Buckingham Palace for Her Majesty The Queen.
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Posted: 13th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Jermaine Jackson Shocked At How Dead Michael Jackson Didn’t Look Very Well: Photos
THE JACKSONS are not a normal family. For starters, they had a belt-thrash happy pappy who tormented and bullied them ’til they sang like champions and, well, grew up warped.
Then, there’s the whole Michael thing. Michael Jackson was a man clearly unwell in the mind. And of course, his less-famous siblings were apparently keen to join him into the depths of insanery.
Why else did Jermaine Jackson named his daughter Jermajesty?
These days, Jermaine can’t decide whether to speak highly of his now dead brother, or indeed, slate him.
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Posted: 12th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Hurray! U2 To Take Break From Music! Oh No! That Means Bono Can Play Politician Again!
GODAWFUL stadium rockers U2, are going to mercifully take a break from hauling their bloated arses around the world while peddling their ditchwater rock on ravenously stupid fans.
In other words, it is safe to open your ears.
Bono, Mr G9, is waving fare-thee-well to U2’s 110-date monster tour and for the time being, he’s had enough of life on the road.
He’s promised that the band won’t be back ‘for a while’.
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Posted: 8th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (9)
Is Rihanna Is 2011’s Sexiest Woman? You Decide
RIHANNA! You’ve pretty much seen all she has to offer, penetrative sex aside. Those leaked photos of her with no clothes on may have embarrassed her at the time, but since then, she’s blossomed into a fully blown exhibitionist.
Almost to saturation point where, sometimes, you almost wish she’d put some clothes on and stop talking about her various sexual needs.
However, she must be doing something right because she’s been declared the sexiest women of 2011!
Which poll? The poll hosted by Esquire magazine, who wanted to ask its readers the tough questions that were affecting the world right now. And thank God they’ve managed to find out who the sexiest star of the year is.
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Posted: 7th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Westboro Baptist Church Versus Foo Fighters!
WHILE the Foo Fighters have yet to kill or paste a single ‘Foo’, they’ve got a battle pressing. After they released their ‘Hot Buns’ video, they horsed around in the showers of a gas station, dressed like truckers and playing the whole homo-erotic thing for laughs.
And it is funny.
However, profoundly not-laughing are the pickled foetuses that make up the numbers at the Westboro Baptist Church who are going after The Nicest Band In Rock.
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Posted: 7th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Puke, Sex And Boobs: Adele Is Opening Her Mouth Again
ADELE is so hot right now. No, that’s not because she’s under five blankets and covered in VapoRub because she’s got yet another illness which has forced her to cancel some shows! We mean ‘hot’ in the figurative sense. We mean ‘she happens to be very popular at the moment in time’.
Of course, there’s fans who have been duped by her use of ‘real instruments’ and the fact she doesn’t look like one of The Saturdays into believing she’s The Real Deal and will be around forever with her ‘timeless music’, but then again, you could’ve said the same about Alisha’s Attic and no bugger remembers them.
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Posted: 6th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Lindsay Lohan Gets Billy Joel Tattooed Under Her Boobs: Photos
LINDSAY LOHAN is good fun isn’t she? Mad punchy drunk diamond thief, occasionally doing a bit of acting work. What a great life she’s got. There’s pictures of her taking drugs with Paris Hilton (allegedly!) and she’s have sex with whatever gender she fancies.
She’s doing exactly what a famous person should.
And that includes… um… getting Billy Joel lyrics tattooed just under her boobies. That’s right! She’s got some words inked onto her ribs. They say:
“Clear as a crystal sharp as a knife, I feel like I’m in the prime of my life”
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Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Kate Winslet Lurves Roman Polanski Despite… Y’know… All That Having Sex With Children Thing
HEY! If you’re some kind of monster who has sex with underage girls, take solace in the fact that, no matter what, Kate Winslet will still love you.
Of course, we’re not talking about any ol’ kidfid here. This is a special, talented one. And that man is Roman Polanski who is on the run from the US police after pleading guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse with a 13-year-old girl.
Despite his penchant for cricket on a wicket with no grass, Kate is still ready to praise the “great” Polanski as she promoted his first film release since he was released from house arrest. Ain’t that sweet?
She said, forgetting about all that child stuff:
“When Roman Polanski invites you to join him in any project you really don’t say no. I felt extremely fortunate to be included. We were working with the great Roman Polanski. We are only human beings and we are still perfectly capable of being terrified, whoever we are.”
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Posted: 1st, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Mr Paparazzi And Ex-Mrs The Hoff Up For Big Brother Eviction Unsurprisingly
BRILLIANT. That’s what we are. That’s because we correctly predicted who would be voted out of the Celebrity Big Brother house over the weekend, seeing the terminally unpopular Sally Bercow getting sent back to the obscurity from whence she came.
Good riddance too. We don’t want political people polluting our perfectly good television sets. They’re all scum of the highest order, unable to string a sentence together without keeping one eye on a camera. And you thought proper celebrities were bad.
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Posted: 30th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Lost’s Matthew Fox Punches A Bus Driver Right On Her Minge
REMEMBER Lost? That was a stupid, entirely pointless television programme wasn’t it? Random numbers, that fat fella with the corkscrew curls and a polar driving a tank or whatever it was. It was like wandering into a particularly confusing, tedious daydream.
Do you remember the hunkbag star of the show, Matthew Fox? The one who was also in Party Of Five (Dawson’s Creek for hipsters). He seemed like a nice enough bloke – that is until he was accused of punching a bus driver right on her mons pubis.
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Posted: 30th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Chris Brown Might Have His Probation Revoked For Being A Lousy Neighbour
NEIGHBOURS. Everybody needs good neighbours, with a little understanding. However, when you live next door to Chris Brown, you probably won’t rate him that much.
Not only is he the purveyor of spectacularly dreadful music, but he’s also that guy who lamped Rihanna in the face with his bony hands until she bled all over the place. And now, because he’s still on probation for being a bit too ‘hands-on’, a judge would like to know whether he’s a good neighbour or not.
Sadly for Brown, there’s been complaints about him.
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Posted: 26th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Amy Winehouse And Tony Bennett’s Duet Appears Online – Have A Listen
HAHAHA! Wasn’t it funny when a young woman died after battling with the pain that once made great tunes ended up eating her whole! Really funny! She wasn’t even in her thirties! WHAT A RIOT! AMY WINEHOUSE WAS MENTALLY ILL! HA HA HA!
Of course, it really isn’t funny when a young talented woman dies, but if it wasn’t for our collective gallows humour, we’d probably spend all day crying.
We may still have our chance to weep like emo-babies because it’s pretty obvious that Amy Winehouse’s record label will be eyeing up a load of half-assed demos and looking at making a pretty penny on them. That said, not all posthumous releases are going to be lame as a short clip of the leaked Amy Winehouse duet with Tony Bennett has appeared online.
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Beautiful Helen Mirren Doesn’t Like Ugly Young People Getting Plastic Surgery
EVERYONE fancies Helen Mirren. Even the gayest of gay men kinda fancy her. She’s just achingly beautiful, despite being older than three Mumm-Ras.
And so, when it comes to looks, you could be forgiven for thinking that she can bugger off when it comes to judging people because she’s been blessed with a very appealing face.
But that’s what she’s doing… and it’s still impossible to hate her. Basically, she can’t understand why young people have cosmetic surgery to alter their ”pure” beauty. In fact, she thinks its “horrific”, which isn’t emotive at all.
She says:
“The only thing I don’t like on young people is plastic surgery.
“The purity of youthful beauty is so fantastic to me that it’s horrific when young girls get fake things.”
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Posted: 18th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Get Your Big Pants Ready! Bridget Jones 3 Is Coming!
HEY! Curvy women! The actually-thin-but-puts-weight-on-because-someone-pays-her-to Renée Zellweger is coming back to play Bridget Jones in an attempt to pretend she’s one of you, thereby making your worthless lives that little bit more recognisable.
Of course, that seems needlessly aggressive. Suffice to say, we’ve all got worthless lives, including Renée Zellweger.
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Cher Lloyd Advises That X Factor Hopefuls Should ‘Get Out, Now!’
REASONABLE verse, terrible chorus. That’s the honest, non-emotive review of Cher Lloyd’s recent number one, ‘Swagger Jagger‘. See, someone needs to be emotionless about it because, for some inexplicable reason, everyone’s got apeshit over it, unable to do anything other than adore it endlessly, or berate it like it’s a mass murder.
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Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Demi ‘Bruiser’ Lovato Talks About Punching A Dancer
ROLLER COASTER is a way of describing the past year that kids’ fave Demi Lovato has had. She’s dated a Jonas Brother (who cares which one? Seriously. They’re all grown in the same laboratory), split up with him, gone mad, self-harmed, gone into rehab, got an eating disorder, got diagnosed as bipolar and, most importantly, punched the crap out of one of her dancers.
Demi says:
“I was completely out of line all summer. Just the worst attitude – totally ungrateful.”
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Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
PJ Harvey Doesn’t Like New Bands And Thinks New Music Is Dull (Which Is Rich)
FOX-HUNTING supporter and Mercury-nominated (we’re legally obliged to write that in sadly) PJ Harvey has branded modern music ‘dull’ and ‘unoriginal’ despite making tedious LPs that lean far too heavily on whatever the alt.zeitgeist of the day is in the first place.
Speaking to the NME, Polly Harvey said:
“Not for a lack of knowing it exists, but because I find nothing that interests me.”
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Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Music | Comments (3)
Justin Bieber To Star In Dirty Dancing Remake?
WOMEN! You like Dirty Dancing don’t you? Of course you do! It’s got love and dancing in it! It’s got Patrick Swayze’s muscles in when they were alive! It’s got Jennifer Grey in it before she completely transformed her face by making her nose vanish with plastic surgery! It’s got that song in it! AND THE LIFT! THE BIT WITH THE LIFT!
Oh, it’s so romantic and junk!
So which vapid, apple pie dross are going to star in the remake of the classic I’m On My Period And Want To Be Left Alone, Thanks film?
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Posted: 11th, August 2011 | In: Film | Comment (1)
Alec Baldwin To Challenge Kesley Grammer In Surreal Mayoral Race
AMERICA is stupid. Brilliantly stupid. They’ve got guns, burgers and robot teeth. They also have celebrities in positions of power. Ronald Reagan was president ferchrissakes!
And now, we’ve got a fabulously surreal mayoral race in the offing as Alec Baldwin could well be taking on Kelsey Grammer to become King of New York City!
Baldwin has insisted that he’ll run for Mayor of New York one day. He’s a native of Long Island and life-long liberal, and would be an excellent foe for Kelsey who is right of the wing.
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Posted: 10th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Marilyn Monroe Film Opens In New York, Reminding Us All That She Was Pretty Fit
PRETTY much everyone on Earth has lusted after Marilyn Monroe at some point. It’s actually become a law that you have to have sexual thoughts about her, even if you have absolutely no interest in the female form.
And now, we’ll get the chance to remember how attractive she was as a film about the late actress’s time in England in 1956 is to premiere at the New York Film Festival.
My Week With Marilyn tells the tale of a brief encounter between Monroe and a set assistant while she was filming The Prince and the Showgirl with Laurence Olivier. Monroe will be played by the also fancied Michelle Williams. Kenneth Branagh star as Olivier to keep our arousal in check.
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Rowan Atkinson Crashes Supercar Into Supertree
LEGEND of British comedy, Rowan Atkinson, has decided to give us all a laugh today by crashing his supercar into a tree. Then a lamppost. Then it caught fire.
Seriously. That’s Baldrick levels of ace.
Mercifully for Blackadder/Mr Bean/That Police Thing He Was In fans, he’s in a stable condition. Which is good because you don’t tend to have little prangs when razzing around in a McLaren F1 supercar.
Atkinson earned himself a nice shoulder injury but managed to walk away from the flaming vehicle while he waited for an ambulance who probably thought the whole thing was some huge joke.
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Posted: 5th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
