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Posts Tagged ‘Celebrities’

Kelly Osbourne Calls Christina Aguilera ‘Fat’ While Everyone Bites Knuckles

REMEMBER when Kelly Osbourne was some kind of (self proclaimed) voice for the disaffected kids of the world. Y’know, those kids who were a bit different or those that got bullied for being fat or ugly.

Well, now she’s calling Christina Aguilera ‘fat’.

It seems everyone has got it in for Xtina at the moment (Christ knows why. Surely people aren’t still irked by her fluffing of the American National Anthem at the Super Bowl?) with Joan Rivers noting that Aguilera looked “stuffed into” a little black dress… and now  Osbourne is throwing her *ahem* weight around.

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Posted: 4th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Lady GaGa Is Going To Show You EVERYTHING In Her New Book (One Star One Cup)

THERE have been many comparisons between Lady GaGa and Madonna. No bad thing. Rock bands don’t mind being compared to rock’s great and good, so why should it be any different for pop stars?

Well, that’s maybe because pop is supposed to push the envelope hard whereas rock can idly sit around in its pants picking crisps out of its stomach rolls.

Either way, if Madge is losing it, GaGa is taking it. And while her camp pop has stormed pretty much every chart on Earth and her tours have managed to be bigger and weirder than anything Madonna took on the road, soon we’ll all have something else to compare them with.

A book.

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Posted: 3rd, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


Kim Kardashian’s 15 Year Old Sister To Make You Feel Like A Perv In Swimsuit Shoot (Kendall Jenner Photos)

LOOKING at people in states of undress is the most natural thing in the world. However, we feel kinda bad about it, which only adds to the illicit thrill.

However, you have to be careful. Y’see, ‘Ooh! Don’t they grow up fast these days!’ is a statement that can see you on a very undesirable list in the current, terrified climate where we’re convinced of a world filled with rampant trouser botherers and mucky sorts ferreted away in hedgerows.

So then, to Kim Kardashian’s younger sister who, while she may not own the curves of her older siblings, has undertaken a swimsuit photoshoot which is certain to make some of you have very confused feelings indeed.

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Posted: 3rd, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Frasier To Go Into Politics, Which Sounds Funny, But Is Probably Quite Frightening

FRASIER! You remember that don’t you? Kelsey Grammer played a funny, but clearly useless man and got into all kinds of japes with his daft family. Well Grammer is looking at going into politics – but that doesn’t mean we should all titter and coo because he was funny on television.

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Posted: 1st, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Miley Cyrus Has Some Gay On Her Finger And Angers God Botherers

DISNEY stars are always expected to be wholesome and Christian. If you get up to mischief, then you’re a ‘disgraced Disney’ alumni. If you are not a Christian, then you’ll probably be cast as a baddie in one of their awful films or TV shows. They’ve got a formula and boy howdy, are they sticking to it.

And so, Miley Cyrus graduated from Hannah Montana and decided to start acting like a irresponsible young adult, just like all the other brilliantly irresponsible adults around the world.

She was caught on video smoking a bong and she’s from a broken home. It’s fantastic. She’s kinda got away with it so far, but now she’s made God botherers cry angry tears all over their Bibles.

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Posted: 1st, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Mark Your Hats! Kim Kardashian’s Wedding Date Is Confirmed!

HAS everyone bought a hat? It doesn’t matter what type of hat you buy. A bobble hat will do. Even a verruca sock stretched over your bonce as a makeshift swimming cap will suffice. We need hats because there’s a wedding afoot which not one of us will be allowed to attend!

HUZZAH! It’s just like the Royal Wedding all over again!

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Posted: 29th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


The Heavens Rejoice As Lindsay Lohan And Paris Hilton Seem To Be Friends Again!

THE celebritiest people on Earth – Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton – were once bestest of pals, but alas, they did what all Typical Girls do and fell out over absolutely nothing, before indulging in a bitch-off, which was part funny, part horrible, part incredibly tedious.

But that seems to be all over now because they at food at the same table without murdering each other in cold blood! That’s right fans of fame! The celebutante and the actress had a dinner date at the Giorgio Baldi (brother of Gary) restaurant.

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Posted: 29th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Is It Weird That Amy Winehouse’s Clothes Were Being Handed Out To Grievers?

AMY WINEHOUSE’S death wasn’t pleasant at all. It’s always terribly sad when a young person dies, regardless of status or dependency on drugs.

And the general response has been pretty touching and pleasingly without too much hysteria. There was a quiet acknowledgement that, while her passing was sad, it wasn’t exactly surprising.

Fans gathered to have an impromptu wake near her house, disturbing the neighbourhood – which Amy would’ve invariably enjoyed.

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Posted: 29th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)


Lauryn Hill Has Sixth Child, But No More Music And Seeks Privacy On Twitter

REMEMBER when Lauryn Hill was one of the most thrilling popstars on the planet. She could rap like a champ and had a voice that came straight outta Soulsville. Basically, she was the Fugees. When she went solo, she only went about making one of the finest LPs ever cut to wax.

And then she vanished like a big selfish baby.

While we all cowered around our copies of Doo Wop (That Thing), she went and pushed out Zion David-Nesta, Selah, Joshua, John and Sarah with on/off beau, Rohan Marley.

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Posted: 27th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Crystal Harris Is A Massive Liar Says Hugh ‘Rubbish In Bed’ Hefner

SURPRISED as you were about Crystal Harris dumping Hugh Hefner days before their wedding, there was always something vaguely odd about their relationship. Maybe it was the fact Hef was this famous guy and she came from nowhere. Maybe it was the 3025 year age gap?

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Posted: 27th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Michael Jackson’s Trial Won’t Have Video Thanks To Worried Businessmen

WHILE Michael Jackson’s relatives cash-in on the interest surrounding the imminent trial of Dr Conrad Murray and his magical propofol, everyone has eyes squarely on the courtroom.

Will it be televised? Will Jackson’s naked body be displayed on air (you can titter, but this is a genuine possibility)? Will Dr Conrad Murray ever get anything close to a fair trial thanks to constant media coverage and opinion?

Either way, raw film footage of Michael Jackson rehearsing a planned concert in the days before his death isn’t going to be shown to the jury after a ruling from a Los Angeles judge, which is bad news for the prosecutors.

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Posted: 26th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)


Glee Producers Realise That Firing The Famous Cast Isn’t Too Great An Idea

GLEEKS the world over where literally apoplectic with a vague sense of mild irritation when they heard the news that The Famous Ones from Glee were getting fired.

Of course, Lea Michele, Chris Colfer and Cory Monteith were going to get handed their P45s because, in the name of realism (which the show clearly prides itself on – HA!), their characters were going to have to leave school after graduation.

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Posted: 25th, July 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Arnold Schwarzenegger Won’t Be Supporting Shriver, Despite Their Son Being Nearly Dead

IT’S bad enough that Arnold Schwarzenegger had it away with the maid and worse still that he didn’t use contraception, leaving him with a secret love child which he kept under wraps for over a decade. Then, Arnie’s wife – Maria Shriver – found out and his marriage, understandably, dissipated into the ether.

So you’d think that Arnold would be willing to pay his way to his family by way of apology, right?

WRONG.

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Posted: 22nd, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Lindsay Lohan Too Broke For Psychological Treatment

WHAT does Lindsay Lohan do again? We can’t honestly remember. Is she some kind of clown? Either way, she’s constantly in the press for bad behaviour and reports of her brain capsizing like a champ.

After a series of brushes with the law, she’s been in-and-out of court more times than the Apple patent chaps. And now, being sued by a rehab worker who says LiLo twisted her arm a bit, she’s going through it all again.

And, while there, it appears that she’s let on she’s broke. According to her lawyer, Lohan can’t afford court-ordered psychological treatment.

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Posted: 22nd, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Britney Spears Getting Sued For Picking Her Nose And Farting Loads

ANORAK readers are, on the whole, disgusting pigs. So are we writers of this esteemed online publication. We all sit around eating our bogeys, winding off in our ill-fitting trousers covered in sex stains and generally making everyone else feel wholly adequate.

However, we’re all in good company as it transpires that Britney Spears is an absolute pig of a human.

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Posted: 21st, July 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


Matt Damon Says The Incredibly Fortunate Brad Pitt Is Like A Prisoner

PEOPLE may say Matt Damon’s voice in a stupid voice all the time thanks to Team America, but he’s a happy chap. He’s got famous friends, loads of money and is surprisingly self-effacing and bright. Not many people in Hollywood can have that said about them.

And, most importantly, Damon is able to maintain a pretty normal life, unlike most of his peers. This is perhaps due to his largely forgettable face.

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Posted: 20th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


J Lo And Marc Anthony Split Over Infidelity, Jealousy And More!

WHILE a failed marriage must be very upsetting and distressing for those involved, its a whole heap of fun for those watching from the sidelines. Divorces don’t even have to be celebrity-based for us to hoot and howl at them, but it is all the sweeter when it does have famous people crying in it.

And of course, the big celebdivorce is Jennifer Lopez (still refusing to let everyone see her getting spanked in that sex video, the big spoilsport) and Marc Anthony.

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Posted: 20th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Lady GaGa Says Cocaine Is The Devil, Devil Said To Be Hurt By That Comment

WHILE talking to Howard Stern, Lady GaGa decided to talk about drugs. Now, this is a woman who once said that she used to toot blow from a copy of the Bible that she had in her apartment.

So drugs are cool, right Little Monsters?

Howard Stern asked:

“When you talk about getting high, I mean, you were doing some hard core drugs, you were into coke and you loved Ecstasy…”

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Posted: 19th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Demi Lovato Isn’t Courting Ryan Phillipe, Right? Now Get Lost

LADIES and gentlemen, here we have one of those magical anti-news stories. It’s commonplace for tabloids and glossy rags to tell you things that aren’t happening, so we’re going to join in.

The big non-news is that Ryan Phillippe and Demi Lovato are not dating. We’ve gone to great lengths to find out something that isn’t happening.

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Posted: 19th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Go And Spoil Someone’s Wedding

CHEEK! The absolute cheek! Warbling foetus Justin Bieber and his child-bride, Selena Gomez, were walking along a beach in Malibu together when they heard Bieber’s wretched song, One Less Lonely Girl, playing at a party.

Instead of being quietly pleased that his autotuned pap was being appreciated and getting on with his life, the little swine decided to go and steal everyone’s thunder by gatecrashing.

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Posted: 18th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


J Lo And Ex To Star In Awkward Reality TV Show Together

THE whole world was rocked to its firey foundation when Jennifer Lopez and someone called Marc Anthony (aka Booty & The Beast) decided to call time on their relationship!

‘You seemed so happy together!’, ‘You were the most perfect couple in the history of humanity!’, ‘Why didn’t you let us see that sex tape where you got your lovely bum spanked Jennifer?!’ cried humans into the ether, hoping that their words would float on the winds and into the sculpted ears of J Lo and that guy she was seeing.

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Posted: 18th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Mental Joss Stone Men Appear In Court To Be Laughed At

STALKERS! We know you’re completely insane, but seriously, stalking and trying to kidnap Joss Stone? Really? That’s new levels of insanity… unless of course, you don’t love her at all and simply wanted to ensure that there would be no more Joss Stone records in the world.

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Posted: 15th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Victoria Beckham Spends £3000 On Stretch Mark Cream – Still Of No Fixed Talent

WHEN Victoria Beckham had her bouncing bundle of inevitable disappointment, the world sighed and was glad that she’d finally had a baby girl, so we could all officially stop caring. The last bit of fun we were to have was with her and her husband David’s decision to call her Harper Seven, which sounds like the seventh sequel to a cheap ’70s sci-fi show.

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Posted: 15th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (21)


Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Are Definitely, Definitely Going To Get Married, Right?

That’s right! A big ol’ wedding for the couple and their thousand adopted children to attend!

How thrilling. No really.

And it appears that it will be happening soon, with a wedding set to take place within the next few months. And that’s according to three separate utterly unreliable sources.

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Posted: 14th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Charlie Sheen May Reunite With Ex Wife, Which Is Great For Their Long Suffering Children

IMAGINE being the spawn of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller. They’ve been sat around, bored as hell, because daddy went straight and got a regular job again and mom was playing it kinda cool while the custody paperwork got sorted out.

Gone are those salad days when daddy would punch chandeliers, make prostitutes cry, snort suitcases of cocaine in one go and move a bunch of blonde, busty women in when mommy’s arse was slung out the door. Gone are those halcyon days when mom smoked crack pipes and was seen in dodgy car parks clinging to fistfuls of cash while waiting for a dealer to show up.

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Posted: 14th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment