Posts Tagged ‘Celebrities’
Kim Kardashian Had An ‘Affair’ With Someone You Haven’t Heard Of: Launches Perfume
MYSTIFYINGLY famous Kim Kardashian (she’s the Kardashian sister who had a sex tape online if you can’t tell them apart) is getting married soon, which is obviously wonderful news for all of us adoring fans. She’ll be looking at her vast piles of money and wondering how she’s going to spend it on her special day – unlikely to be her last ‘special day’ in fairness.
She’s blissfully in love with some chap called Kris Humphries, who is some kind of American sports personality, thereby, completely unheard of outside of the United States of America.
What could possibly go wrong?
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 9th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Carol Voderman Wins Rear Of The Year Ahead Of Pippa Middleton’s All Encompassing Bum
DEBT selling number cruncher and policy-advertiser Carol Vorderman has won Rear Of The Year.
The odd thing about this vote is that pretty much no-one has mentioned Voderman since her carcrash appearance on Question Time when she revealed herself to be a mean-spirited, vinegar-faced harridan, provoking thousands of viewers to puke into their hands the second she started talking. About anything. At all.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 8th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Simon Cowell Vomited Into His Hand At Ronan Parke Fix Claims
EMOTIONLESS Simon Cowell may seem, but there’s nothing wrong with his gut, as he produced enough bile to feel physically ill as claims of ‘FIX‘ swirled around him concerning warbling foetus, Ronan Parke.
That’s right. The desperately nauseous mogul felt ‘‘sick to the stomach” when an article claimed that 12-year-old Parke had already been earmarked as a winner for the wearisome Britain’s Got Talent – a show that also featured more than one elderly lady performing an erotic dance routine with some dogs.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 8th, June 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Noel Gallagher Wants Liam To Come And Ruin A Perfectly Good Wedding
WARRING siblings, Liam and Noel Gallagher, haven’t seen eye-to-beady-eye since they collectively knocked Oasis on the head. A welcome relief for anyone with ears and at least one brain cell.
And thanks largely to the current crop of indie poppers all being dullards in tight, bollock-rupturing jeans, people still look to these bickering feather-cut headed has-beens for something to write about. With Noel getting married to Who Cares?, thoughts go to the fact that when families get together at a wedding, reunions can sometimes end in fistfights on the car park.
Read the rest of this entry »
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Wife Laughs, Then Probably Cries, In The Face Of Reconciliation
BICEP brained Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably sat somewhere on his own right now, silently weeping over photographs of his family that he destroyed when he forgot to put a condom on while entering his maid and then keeping the resultant child a secret for a decade or so.
He’s probably sent texts to Maria Shriver, his soon-to-be-ex who will take him to the financial cleaners, saying ‘I can change’, which are clearly very funny if you read them aloud in his voice.
Arnold Schwarzenegger And Mildred Patricia Baena’s Love Child Photos
However, Maria is not interested, making it abundantly clear that there’s absolutely no chance of her giving their marriage another try.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Bird Of Prey Cloner Jessie J Wishes That The Press Would Stop Making Things Up About Her And Her 60ft Long Chin Made From Bricks
YOU have to be rather impressed with Jessie J’s career thus far. She’s managed to cram and entire pop lifespan into a matter of months, already suffering from a gaping backlash that normally befalls artists who have been around for decades.
She was reasonably well received initially, before turning into an overnight hate-figure simply by existing. You’ve heard her histrionics right? God. Doesn’t it make you want to punch her in the throat (figuratively speaking of course, we don’t condone punching people in the throat here)?
Not that she has a throat.
Read the rest of this entry »
Wayne Rooney: The X Factor Judge
ANYONE could be a judge on Britain’s Got Talent or the X Factor. The judges aren’t chosen for their knowledge in talent or music (if that were the case, do you honestly think that Amanda Holden would be near your screen, ever?), but rather, for their confidence in front of camera and, presumably, their nepotistic friendship with Simon Cowell doesn’t do any harm either.
And so, it is obvious that Wayne Rooney should be a judge on the next series. Why? Mainly because he’s famous and thick.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 6th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Pink Has A Baby Girl On Twitter: Willow Sage Hart Photos
PINK has always defined herself by what she’s isn’t. She’s not some stupid girl, she’s not shallow, she’s not like ‘them’, she’s ‘fragile’, she’s… well… incredibly ordinary if the truth be told.
You see, while passing herself off as this outsider who managed to win over the mainstream, she’s actually just like every other singer out there who thinks that her personal life is in some way special to us all. She’s told everyone about her sexuality, her break-ups and rows and now we’re going to hear aaaalll about her new baby girl, which was planted in Pink’s womb by husband Carey Hart.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 3rd, June 2011 | In: Music | Comments (18)
Rihanna Shoots A Rapist Dead
POP music has always traded on sex and shock to shift units. Elvis Presley used to gyrate like a man in the bath with a two-bar heater and Madonna made a whole book dedicated to making sheltered people gasp in astonishment (the rest of us were just sickened at the appearance of a shirtless Vanilla Ice).
And so, it isn’t really surprising when a new pop-star comes along and starts talking about taboo things. And, lately, Rihanna has been ramping things up. She made a record called S&M, which saw her talking about how much whips and chains excited her… and now she’s going to kill a rapist on our televisions.
Read the rest of this entry »
Teen Singing ‘Throb, Sean Kingston, Critical After Tackling Bridge On Jetski With Head
ADULTS may not be familiar with the name Sean Kingston, but the rampant childbots of the internet are. They love him. They love him a bit like they love Justin Bieber, but not as much because Bieber is much thinner and whiter than Sean Kingston.
Either way, he capture the hearts of youngsters with his hit, ‘Beautiful Girls’, where the junior crooner declared that they made him feel “suicidal“, which is peculiar for a young man with all that life of beautiful girls ahead of him.
However, here comes the awkward twist. See, Kingston is in a critical condition after crashing his jet ski into a Miami Beach bridge. Sean and a female passenger were injured when they careered into the Palm Island Bridge over the weekend.
Read the rest of this entry »
LeAnn Rimes Shows Off Her Incredibly Thin Body: Dogs Salivate
LEANN Rimes doesn’t just spell her name wrong and make really irritating country-pop while encouraging coal-eyed simpletons to dance atop the bars of the world, shortly before having their stomachs pumped of Jagerbombs.
No, she’s an alleged homewrecker too, running off with some married fella and getting him down the aisle herself before the whole America could throw up its arms in moral outrage.
And now she’s on her honeymoon, she’s having a gay old time, right? Wrong. Because everyone is pointing at her and being sick in their hands as they howl about her noticeable thinness.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Amy Winehouse Goes Back To Rehab – Again
REMEMBER the days when Amy Winehouse was famous for being a reasonably exciting singer? Alas, since then, she’s disappeared down a booze hole, leaving her career wide open for lesser acts to cash-in on. We’re looking at you Paloma Faith. And you Adele.
Yep, Winehouse only ever appears on the radar when she’s fallen over after a skinful or, briefly, re-emerged with some hilarious new breasts that looked like floating liquid in a space shuttle.
And now she’s in the news again and, predictably, it isn’t with talk of a new record, but rather, she’s off to rehab again.
Read the rest of this entry »
Courtney Love Slags Lady GaGa Without A Trace Of Irony
SOME of you might think that Courtney Love is in no position to slate anyone else for anything, ever. And you’d be right because, of all the people in the celebsphere, she’s one of the most grotesque and worrying.
Shall we weigh it all up? She’s famous for being a strung-out heroin addict who had her baby taken off her. She’s a woman who has one of the most unusual faces on Earth thanks to getting plastic surgery from someone we can assume has Parkinson’s Disease. She’s taken to ranting garbled messages on Twitter, some of which attack her only daughter. She’s demented enough to have shagged Michael Stipe. She’s posted pictures of herself online with no clothes on, only to foam at the baps about how there’s some kind of conspiracy against her.
Read the rest of this entry »
Justin Bieber Makes Terrifying Pest Perfume
JUSTIN Bieber may well be a matter of seconds old, but that doesn’t stop him from creaming every last penny out of the world’s prepubescent girls.
He’s launched a range of nail varnish as well as a singing toothbrush and, now, he’s behind a girl’s perfume that encourages the cell-sized singer to creep into your room like Dracula with an annoying fringe, only to sniff your neck and fly away like some perverted Peter Pan.
Read the rest of this entry »
Imogen Thomas Interview: Ryan Giggs Cost Her £100,000 And Her Hair
RYAN Giggs. Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs. Nice to be able to actually say his name out loud isn’t it? Thanks for falling on the sword John Hemming MP.
Anyway, all this Ryan Giggs business has been a unravelling farce which no-one can fully agree on.
Either way, there was a situation when many were saying his name over and over, while the press was gagged. The press didn’t like it and were always going to retaliate, which they’ll do in spades to the footballer who has caused his own Streisand Effect.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 24th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)
Jedward To Team Up With Aerosmith, Which Is Completely Fine
JEDWARD are in grave danger of having their credibility ruined by teaming up with ageing rock testicles, Aerosmith. Well kinda. Not the whole of Aerosmith, but mainman, Steven Tyler, who is currently sat at home ironing his face in a trouser press.
Dr Seuss’ Thing A and Thing B come to life Jedward may be, but they’re putting all that Eurovision Song Contest thing behind them (unlike Blue who will be self-harming over the whole thing for decades yet) by looking forward to a duet with one of rock’s most unwilling to disappear.
It appears that the leaping twins of doom will be teaming up with withered balloon animal of RAWK to record a new version of Aerosmith’s Walk This Way, which no-one wanted or asked for.
Read the rest of this entry »
Quite Obvious Former Smackhead, Bob Dylan, Admits He Used To Take Heroin
TAKE one look at Bob Dylan – who just happens to be celebrating his 70th birthday tomorrow, despite looking and sounding like a 70 year old since around 1964 – and you think, there’s a man who used to like bags of heroin disappearing up his puny arms.
Even the photographs of him in his youth look like he was a smackhead. Of course he was! Just about every singer in the ’60s and ’70s was strung out on the horse at some point!
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 23rd, May 2011 | In: Music | Comments (3)
Peter Andre Won’t Be Dating You Famous Women, So You Can Breathe Easy
DESPITE barely registering on most people’s scale of celebrity, Peter Andre has an almost charming delusion that he’s a big deal. He takes his music very seriously (no, honestly he does – if he was any more earnest, he’d be a good replacement for the Montell Williams Show) and is very, very keen to remind us all what a good parent he is.
Not that anyone cares about his stupid offspring.
And now, for reasons unclear, Pete wants to inform us all that he won’t be dating women who are in the public eye anymore. Is that because they don’t tend to recognise him?
“I always thought they should understand your job, but given the option now I would like to stay away from dating anyone in the industry.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
The Tale Of Jane Fonda, Her $55k False Teeth And Her Sex Life
WHEN you think of Jane Fonda, you may well think about her as an actress or fitness instructor or, indeed, something of a political activist (probably the coolest looking political activist ever, granted).
However, you can now think of her as having the most expensive gnashers in Hollywood as reports break out to much antipathy that the star has pooh-poohed the idea of splashing her riches on things like cars in favour having $55,000’s worth of false teeth in her face.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 20th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Read This And Complain About Glee Spoilers As We Tell You Who Dies In It
SPOILER ALERT! Hello Gleeks. Still getting over the news that your stupid favourite programme won’t be shown on free-to-air television anymore? You didn’t hear about it? You were probably buried in a series of joyless, android sung pop-covers with more harmonies that completely necessary.
Well, worse news is that someone is going to die in it.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 19th, May 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Snoop Dogg Wants Hip Hop X Factor
WHILE The X Factor appears to be set to take over the world, everyone else looks on wondering if they should cut their ears off with shears or, indeed, invent their own version which speaks to them instead of putting up with the histrionics of wannabes yet to learn subtlety.
And with that, Snoop Dogg wants to do a rap take on the successful franchise.
Read the rest of this entry »
Has Cheryl Cole Had A Boob Job Or Just Bought A New Bra?
CHERYL Cole is the talk of Hollywood… or, more accurately, because she’s gone to America, she’s the talk of Britain where we’ve heard of her before and eagerly await her failure. That’s not to say she will fail, but rather, everyone suspects she might because America has a way of chewing up and spitting out those who try to conquer it.
Look at Robbie Williams.
Of course, everything in America is bigger and bolder. And, when in Rome, one must do as the Romans do, Cheryl got a backcomb so big that even drag queens thought it was a little on the crass side. Not needing any excuse at all, everyone has started to stare at the Girls Aloud singer’s breasts and now under the impression that she may have had some work done.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 18th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Imogen Thomas: Blackmailer Or Not?
THIS writer has been warned away from a number of stories thanks to the ubiquitous super injunction. Kinda irritating when you meet the celebrity in question and have to stand there with a big shit-eating grin on your face, coupled with whitened knuckles of frustration.
One super injunction that seems to have a whole bunch of names attached to it regardless is the one involving Imogen Thomas, who you may remember as being ‘Her Off Big Brother 7 Who Had The World’s Most Listless Sex Tape Leaked’.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Is Cheryl Cole Dating Steve Jones In Moist Publicity Stunt?
SINCE Cheryl Cole split with that dastardly greed-monger, Ashley Cole, she’s been somewhat billed as some kind of forlorn, sexless damsel, just looking for anyone, ANYONE to make her happy.
Of course, there were rumours that she was bumping her uglies with Derek Hough, but no-one can fully embrace the notion that he’s straight, so that didn’t run like it may’ve. There’s also will.i.am, but no-one honestly believes that he has any genitalia at all.
And so, while Cheryl is away backcombing her hair in America, and feeling all homesick, she’s apparently bunked-up with X Factor USA host, Steve Jones. That’s right. Steve Jones. Former T4 presenter and man so handsome that he makes armchairs aroused.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Charlie Sheen Not Happy About Ashton Kutcher Replacing Him, Which Is A Massive Surprise
REMEMBER us telling you that Ashton Kutcher was to replace Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men? Do you recall that rising tide of ambivalence toward the whole story in your gut as you wondered why anyone would want to know should tawdry details about a show that no-one outside of America is stupid enough to watch?
Well, in what is devastatingly surprising news, Charlie Sheen wants to say something about it all.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 16th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
