Posts Tagged ‘Celebrities’
N-Dubz Tulisa To Take Dannii Minogue’s Place On X Factor
BRITAIN at large is transformed when The X Factor rolls into town. Basically, the whole country is carved up into two camps – those that hate the show and those that don’t watch it.
It’s all going to become more rampant too, as the show is being launched in the USofA who won’t know what’s bloody hit them once it all kicks off. American Idol is going to look like a gentle stroll through a tumbleweed factory by the first week of Simon Cowell’s dastardly, engrossing brainchild hitting the small screens.
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Posted: 16th, May 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Quentin Tarantino And Lady GaGa To Team Up For A Movie?
SEEING as Quentin Tarantino allowed Lady GaGa to use the Kill Bill Pussywagon in the singer’s promotional video for Telephone, it isn’t surprising that the film director is looking at GaGa and thinking of putting her in one of his films.
And what better way to try and sweeten the deal than by getting Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to butter up the Judas singer while on a jolly at the Cannes Film Festival? Unless they tried to adopt her, which could be kinda irritating.
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Dan Aykroyd Has 21,000 Bottles Of Vodka Stolen From Him
POOR old Dan Aykroyd. He’s currently mourning the loss of 21,000 bottles of vodka stolen from him. He was, apparently, planning on drinking them this weekend as well.
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Posted: 12th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lindsay Lohan: No Contest Plea Over Tacky But Expensive Necklace
EVEN though she dressed like an Italian prostitute in court, spent years making everyone jealous by being stinkin’ rich and having sex with all manner of men and women, while (allegedly) indulging in amazing amounts of drink and drugs, Lindsay Lohan is going to give the doe-eyes and plead ‘no contest’ in court.
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Posted: 11th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
There’s Nothing Cynical About JLS Wanting To Collaborate With Gwyneth Paltrow
BACKFLIPPING saccharine irritants and tepid pop dispensers, JLS, want to collaborate with Gwyneth Paltrow. Why? It might have something to do with the fact that she’s very famous, recently decided to become a singer, appeared warbling on an award ceremony with Cee Lo Green, married to insipid Coldplayer Chris Martin and is the talk of Tinseltown thanks to an appearance on TV smash, Glee.
Nothing cynical about that then.
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Whitney Houston Totters Off To Rehab While Prince Scowls At Her
GLASSY-EYED pop diva, Whitney Houston, is not having a good time of it at the moment. Or rather, perhaps she’s having too much of a good time and it has started to rot her brains and liver.
You see, the Bodyguard singer has had to return to rehab because she (allegedly) likes taking too many drugs and wolfing down too much booze.
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Robert Pattinson Wants To Bother Everyone With His Awful Singing
PERPETUAL bore and Twilight death-hunk Robert Pattinson has said he wants to reignite his music career. Did you not know he had a music career? Yes! He totally bought an acoustic guitar and likes singing his dreadful songs that sound like he’s got his genitals caught in a mangle.
See, before he stood very, very still and emoted one off into the faces of Twlighters, the incredibly tedious actor played in a band, like loads of misguided chumps! But this is Robert Pattinson, so it is more special, RIGHT?!
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Posted: 9th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)
Brigitte Bardot Mourns Suicide Ex Husband
REMEMBER when Brigitte Bardot was nothing more than a brilliant nymph who didn’t care much for wearing clothes and ached of Gallic cool? Remember those days? The days before she started being an animal rights activist and… uh… mentalist who said dodgy things about Muslims. Yeah. Those were good days.
Bardot seemingly likes animals more than the world of Islam, criticizing slaughter procedures of sheep while saying things like “…my country, France, my homeland, my land is again invaded by an overpopulation of foreigners, especially Muslims” as well as calling homosexuals “fairground freaks”.
Well, now she’s going to have to mourn a human for a change after reports broke of her ex-husband, Gunther Sachs, killing himself. It has been suggested that he shot himself.
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Posted: 9th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lea Michele Thinks Her Nose Will Take Lead Role In Glee Movie
HEY everyone! There’s going to be a Glee movie out this summer! How amazing is that? Not very? Well aren’t you a bunch of spoilsports?! In fairness, you’re spoilsports that are absolutely bang-on-the-money, but still, you could at least fake excitement for those dribbling idiots you know who can’t live without some Glee in their life.
That’s right. There are people who actively seek out television shows filled with grinning Americans performing thousand-part harmonies while dancing around with all the sex appeal of a hat stand.
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Posted: 6th, May 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Blake Sheldon Totally Doesn’t Hate The Gays
COUNTRY superstar, Blake Sheldon, has been accused of being a stinkin’ homophobe. Of course, what with him being a country and western singer, roughly 99.7% won’t be at all surprised at the notion of a God fearing dust bowl balladeer not being too fond of the gays.
However, Blake Sheldon is a modern, groovy kinda Stetson wearer and everyone has got him all wrong.
See, Sheldon is still taking his spurred boots from his mouth after he reworked some of Shania Twain’s lyrics on twitter, leaving “The Voice” coach apologising so frequently that he’s begun to look insincere.
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Cheryl Cole Confirmed As US X Factor Judge (With Added Subtitles)
POP-CULTURE mogul, Simon Cowell, really does have the softest of spots of Cheryl Cole. Apart from the boring ‘she works really hard and does as she’s told’ likelihood of favour, we shudder to think what she may have done to secure such a place in Cowell’s chequebook.
After transforming her from the most fancied one in Girls Aloud who may have smacked a toilet attendant in the face as well as marrying a self-serving footballing shit-basket to The Nation’s Sweetheart Of The Estates, Cowell now seems adamant in his endeavours to make Cole go global.
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Posted: 5th, May 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Mel Gibson’s Ex Is Now Saying That He Didn’t Domestic Violence Her One On The Face
LAST seen with a stuffed beaver sewn to his hand, Mel Gibson has had a troublesome year or so, facing allegations of being a anti-Semite, accusations of being a racist for dropping the N Bomb in Those Tapes as well as being alleged to have battered his ex-gal, Oksana Grigorieva.
Well, small joy for Gibbo as Oksana has dropped her allegations of domestic violence against the actor while she attempts to settle their hilariously ugly and public custody battle.
Is anyone thinking or future trainwreck, baby Lucia in all of this? Who cares?
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Posted: 5th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Lady GaGa Bans Ice Cubes And Eats Like A Dullard
SOMETIMES it feels like Lady GaGa single handedly revived pop. With that, it is fair to say she’s the current queen of pop culture, which gives her the chance to turn into a self-aware kook. God knows we need some oddballs in music at the moment, especially given that rock music is currently riddled with men who are about as thrilling as a post-match interview with Michael Owen.
So with that, GaGa has decided to ban ice-cubes from her concerts.
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Public Enemy’s Flava Flav Arrested By “Rookie Ass Cop”
IT isn’t unusual to hear news of a rapper getting arrested. In fact, its such a frequent occurrence that some think there’s something of a police conspiracy against wealthy black men (exemplified by Mos Def, here).
However, in some cases, you suspect stupidity may have a hand in it. Step up, class clown, Flava Flav.
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Mariah Carey Wants Everyone To Guess Her Twins Names
MARIAH Carey is, of course, more mental than a tree filled with talking toasters. She became pregnant with twins, which left the universe considering implosion briefly. Could the human race stand Mariah gloating about her working ovaries? Could we collectively take the cloying praise bestowed on her little bundles of disappointments?
One person who doesn’t care about our feelings is Mariah Carey who, for some inexplicable reason, wants us all to guess the names of her newborns, who were brought into the world while Carey was listening to one of her own albums.
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Posted: 3rd, May 2011 | In: Music | Comments (3)
Katie Holmes Settles With Rag That Accused Her Of Being A Druggie
JUST because Katie Holmes married Scientology poster-boy Tom Cruise, it doesn’t mean she’s on drugs. The taking of drugs explains a lot of erratic behaviour, but Katie is keen to point out that, if you think she’s a bit of a lunatic, she’s like that of her own free-will.
And this whole drug thing has seen the actress settling a defamation claim with US celebrity magazine, Star, after they falsely suggested that she was constantly ripped to her tits on good quality drugs.
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Posted: 29th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Paris Hilton And Boyfriend Attacked By Nut Job
PARIS Hilton, a woman of no fixed talent, is doing rather well on the stalker front. In fact, one of them is so keen on her that he keeps punching her boyfriend.
For you see, the man known as Cy Waits shouldn’t be with Paris, despite the fact she is willingly going out with him. Rather, she is destined to marry a bug-eyed nutter called James Rainford. Why? Because he says so.
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Posted: 28th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Steven Tyler Took American Idol Job To Irritate Aerosmith Bandmates
RUBBER duck faced, No Frills Mick Jagger – Steven Tyler – has been talking about his decision to take the American Idol gig. It seemed a strange decision to stick a supposed wild man of RAWK on the judging panel for a show that, in essence, churns out obedient pop singers, waiting for the zeitgeist to hit them, rather than create it. So, apart from cold hard cash and attention, what were Tyler’s motives?
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Posted: 27th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Nigella Lawson Will Not Be Losing Any Weight Anytime Soon, Okay?
WOMEN! Are you ‘curvy’? That’s cool. Curves are all well and good. Unless, of course, you’re one of those hideous simpletons who consider ‘curvy’ women to be ‘real’, therefore rendering thinner women ‘fictional’.
See, there’s been a propensity for some gals to throw ‘curvy’ at everyone, usually due to the fact that they’re imagining that everyone thinks they’re fat. For the most part, people are lost in their own daydreams and couldn’t care less about the weight of other humans, leaving all talk of ‘I’m fine with my weight ACTUALLY!’ looking like a hang-ups klaxon.
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Posted: 26th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Lady GaGa Didn’t Mean ‘Retard’ Like That, She Meant It The Other Way
UH-OH! Lady Gaga is in trouble again! Why? Has she been wearing meat again, making vegetarians puke? Nope. Has she been living inside a hot water bottle made from tinfoil while wearing a hat made from scrota?
Sadly not. She’s got into a little trouble because she said the word “retarded”.
That’s right. When answering claims that she copied Madonaa’s ‘Express Yourself’ on her (infuriatingly catchy) ‘Born This Way’, she said:
“I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody? That’s retarded.”
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Morrissey Talks About David Cameron, Like You Care
MORRISSEY, rock’s longest face, has refuted claims that he banned suet faced Prime Minister David Cameron from his dressing room at a concert.
The fact is, Mozza probably didn’t have to ban Cameron from his shows because the coalition leader will have no doubt been sneered at by bespectacled Smiths fans, all pathetically grazing his back with their well thumbed Morrissey scrapbooks, pomade and NHS hearing aids.
Seeing as Cameron is a Tory, he’s completely oblivious to criticism. You could call him the most unspeakable insult right to his puddingy head, and he’d spin it into some kind of discourse about something so tedious, that you’ll end up killing yourself at his feet, which he’d then use as encouragement to carrying the devastating cuts, as tribute to you.
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Stalkers Set To Really Enjoy The Wedding Of Prince William And Kate Middleton
HURRAY! There’s a Royal Wedding! Of course, every single Briton absolutely adores those deserving, clueless, blueblooded lizard men!
Naturally, there are those who don’t really like the Royal Family, but you can’t complain too much because they’ve wafted their well-bred hands and got us all a day-off work, which collectively, we’ll not want to enjoy too much on the off chance it makes us look like we’re rooting for those scaly swine!
Either way, the Royal Wedding, complete with capital letters, is going ahead and whether you like it or not, it’ll be the talk of lovers and haters alike while Prince William stands very upright gnashing his impossible teeth and Kate Middleton looks for all the world like she’s to become The Next Princess Diana (aka designed entirely to be slightly less posh than her new in-laws, forever to destined to nod meekly at AIDS suffers and limbless orphans).
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Posted: 21st, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment
Charlie Sheen’s Estranged Wife Nips Off To Rehab Looking Glassy Eyed
MEME on legs, Charlie Sheen, is a man seemingly destined to create a whirlpool of near-death around him. In some respects, it is very impressive – the other angle is that its all incredibly distressing watching a group of people unravel while a man shouts “WINNING TIGER BLOOD OF BAYONETS!” or whatever the latest idiotic buzzword is.
Then again, who are we to care? He’s an obscenely wealthy man who can toot his way through suitcases of cocaine and die, right there, before our very eyes, becoming yet another bizarre celebrity footnote that we’ll invariably half-remember in a decade or so, when we’re talking about stupid people and their stupid dying.
And the latest person to look all dead-in-the-eyes is Sheen’s estranged wife, Brooke Mueller.
Over the weekend, Brooke refused to take a drug test. Shame really, because she’s legally obliged to do so as part of a custody agreement with Sheen. And so, she gone to rehab again, because its the American equivalent of the confession booth, where you can absolve your sins with some meek-eyed mendery!
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Posted: 18th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Rats Decide It Is Payback Time In Glee Star Matthew Morrison House
GLEE star, Matthew Morrison, has a house filled with rats who, quite rightly, have decided that he should pay for his role peddling shit in the awful warbling television smash.
While Morrison (the half-brother of soul singer Mark Morrison) has been seen hurling autotuned words from his mouth at us all, despite the fact we’ve done nothing that deserves such inhumane treatment, rats have moved into his house with the hope of loading up his expensive carpet with all manner of diseases, previously thought eradicated.
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Posted: 15th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Zsa Zsa Gabor And Husband Are Going To Try And Have A Baby (Yeah, Like That’ll Happen)
HAVE you seen Zsa Zsa Gabor lately? If not, let us give it to you bluntly – she’s 94-years-old, is riddled with illness and only has one leg after she got the gangrene cut out of her. Okay? Now, digest this next piece of information – she’s trying for a baby.
That’s right, despite being barely alive, Zsa Zsa Gabor and her spouse Prince Frederic von Anhalt (an amazing name, granted) went to a Beverly Hills fertility clinic to fulfil her dream of them having a child.
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Posted: 15th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)
