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Celebrity Big Brother: bonking bonkers in TV’s Bedlam

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You know Celebrity Big Brother is dead when something better and harder-edged comes along to replace it. The Star trails the new show on its cover: “VIOLENT BBC STAR PULLED OUT Of HOUSE – Locked in ‘padded cell’ by security.” Slap a few cameras on the walls and you’ve a new take on Bedlam, the Bethlem Royal Hospital, where the insane were locked inside to be gawped at by the well of mind and examined by the sinister.

And the language hasn’t changed much since those dark days in the history of mental health treatment. “Bonkers Kim Woodburn,” begins the Star’s story. After or during a televised “row” with Jamie O’Hara, a former footballer once married to serial footballer-dater Danielle Lloyd, “the wild-eyed How Clean is Your House? star” [answer: it’s ****ing filthy] was “locked in a side room”, where she remained for the rest of the night.

Peering down at the CBB Petri Dish, we also learn that O’Hara “got hot and steamy” with Bianca Gascoigne, former footballer Paul Gascoigne’s step-daughter. “Producers think it is a matter of time before a full-blown romp,” we’re told.

We’ll leave you with César de Saussure’s account of Bedlam during his 1725 tour of London’s sights.

…either side of which are a large number of little cells where lunatics of every description are shut up, and you can get a sight of these poor creatures, little windows being let into the doors. Many inoffensive madmen walk in the big gallery. On the second floor is a corridor and cells like those on the first floor, and this is the part reserved for dangerous maniacs, most of them being chained and terrible to behold. On holidays numerous persons of both sexes, but belonging generally to the lower classes, visit this hospital and amuse themselves watching these unfortunate wretches, who often give them cause for laughter. On leaving this melancholy abode, you are expected by the porter to give him a penny but if you happen to have no change and give him a silver coin, he will keep the whole sum and return you nothing

Bonkers and Bonkers is coming to a screen near you soon.

 

Posted: 19th, January 2017 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Big Brother: Katie Price stars in race row homophobic repeat

The Daily Star presses f9 on the keyboard and gargles up news on Katie Price, the former glamour model “BACK IN CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER”. For those of you not watching the current series of CBB – yes, it’s still on – the knackered show features lots of Z-listers who unable to achieve lasting fame based on any talent have slinked back inside the house. CBB is a repeat, in much the way TV panel shows are: the same faces making familiar comments to deadline.

Given ubiquitous Katie’s busy home life, a few weeks on CBB must be akin to passing time in a retreat away from the public eye.

 

Katie Price Celebrity Brother Daily Star

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But she’s not on CBB. The Star’s headline contains a caveat: Katie will return to the show if “telly bosses hand her a huge fee”. How likely that is depends on the current crop of no-marks’ ability to entertain.

Over pages 4 and 5, the Star lets us know how that’s panning out. There is, as ever there was, talk of a “race row”. Apparently Stacy Francis was “edited out”. It might be an idea to first introduce the woman you can’t see (you can). Stacy is not former footballer Trevor Francis’ daughter, stretching the football gene that offers CBB beds and board to Paul Gascoigne’s step-daughter and George Best’s son. Stacey appeared on the X Factor’s US version.

 

Katie Price Celebrity Brother Daily Star

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Over in the Sun, we learn that Francis is embroiled in a “HOMOPHOBIC ROW”.

The tabloids look for racism and homophobia in a talent show contestant’s dust, supporting their front-page shockers with comments from Outraged of Twitter and viewers unable to notice that anyone watching CBB in the hope of being anything but offended is propped up on pills and pillows in an institution with the remote control just out of reach.

It’s pretty clear that CBB and its tabloid partners need Pricey. And when she enters the house by the revolving door Katie will spark controversy. She has made remarks about Calum Best – “comments too rude for a family newspaper.” But surely ok for one with a topless stunna on page 3 and adverts for onanists to get “quick relief” via phones and hardcore porn channels? Sadly no. The Star doesn’t share the comments. You’ll have to wait until Katie struts onto the CBB stage to hear them. Or watch recordings of her from a pervious show.

Posted: 5th, January 2017 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Celebrity Big Brother: record complaints about record complaints

celebrity big brother axeAs ever it must, the Daily Star lead with news of Celebrity Big Brother, a  terrific show being murdered through over-use. Onn the cover, we see Krisitan Rihanoff, a hoofer on pro-celebrity dance show Strictly Come Dancing.

She illustrates the news that CBB “faces the axe” over “record complaints”. Viewers tuning in to the show have been upset by “racism, anti-gay slurs and lewd acts”.

On page 7 we read that the “record complains” amount to 350 moans over two days.

Regular readers may recall the Star’s news of February 2015:

The housemates have already received 2,549 complaints about the series after sexist, racist and homophobic behaviour by showbiz blogger Perez, 36, and former Baywatch star Jeremy Jackson, 34, shocked viewers.

Now producers fear the backlash from fans could “spell the end for the show”.

It didn’t then. It won’t now.

Posted: 8th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment


Stephanie Davis: everything you don’t already know about me and Zayn Malik (secretly)

Stephanie DAvis ZaynStephanie Davis stands in her underwear on the Daily Star’s Page 7.

Davis is the demure “Hollyoaks babe” all set to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house and “dish the dirt” on former One Direction mumbler Zayn Malik.

The paper tells us that Stephanie and Zayn “secretly dated four years ago”.

Secretly dated?

The Sun: October 3 2011: “Zayn’s getting his Oaks – She’s in the fame game too so she understands what it’s like to have people interested in her private life. They’re very sweet together.”

And:

 

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Define ‘secret’.

 

Posted: 1st, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Celebrity Big Brother: Danniella Westbrook is ‘incredibly incoherent’

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Danniella Westbrook’s Celebrity Big Brother comeback is off. The Sun says a CBB “shrink” (actually the show’s psychologist) talked with the 41-year-old former EastEnders actress and reformed cocaine addict who became known to millions as the “girl with no nose” and decided it would be best to cancel.

But the real shocker is that CBB was prepared to pay the former star £200,000 to be on the telly. We don’t know what the actress was paid to appear on I’m Famous – and Frightened with former TV chef Rustie Lee. ‘Handy’ Andy Kane from Changing Rooms, Jade Goody’s boyfriend and Madge from Neighbours but we’d guess it was shy of £200,000. And surely it was alway a risk to hire Westbrook who quit I’m a Celebrity when she found a rat in her hammock.

 

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Westbrook’s hopes to rival Katie Price in the hardback bestseller lists are dashed. 

A nameless “source” arrives to tell us what legend Danniella is:

 “The producers were desperate to get Danniella on the show because, let’s face it, she’d make great TV. She was invited to meet them and alarm bells started ringing straight away. She was incredibly incoherent.”

That’s what happens when you work too long on EastEnders. You end up talking in a BBC Cockney patois. Trains of thought are interrupted by massive pauses. You reply to questions by barking ‘Sort it aht!’. You are routinely out-thought and out-acted by a dog.

It’s hard not to feel some sympathy for Danniella. TV careers have been built on less.

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LONDON - JANUARY 30: Actress Danniella Westbrook poses for photographers as she arrives at the premiere of Two Weeks Notice on January 30, 2003 in London. (Photo by Scott Barbour/Getty Images)

Posted: 13th, August 2015 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, TV & Radio | Comment


Karen Danzcuk to feature on Celebrity Big Brother as show’s first stop-motion housemate

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And now for the pay off. Karen Dancuk is to appear on Channel 5’s Celebrity Big Brother. Having recently appeared on Channel 5 news to tell us that her life is private, a “telly source” says:

“In the last week following the break-up of her marriage she has become all the more marketable. CBB is perfect for her — as viewers will see a lot of her famous boobs and she will have more to talk about.”

Given her love of selfies, will Karen become the show’s first stop motion housemate?

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Posted: 9th, July 2015 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, TV & Radio | Comment


Celebrity Big Brother: The Sun’s Katie Hopkins gets naked on Chegwin’s Channel 5

Celebrity Big Brother is making news in the tabloids. In the Sun and Star (now the only paper for topless stunnas – watch those readership figures soar!). Both papers have a league table of how the housemates are getting along.

 

 

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The top two spots in the Sun’s list are occupied by Sun columnist Katie Hopkins (“bloody hilarious” and “no longer heartless”) and Sun columnist Katie Price.

 

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Over in the Star, the Number 1 hosuemate is “laugh-a-minute” Keith Chegwin, who in the Sun‘ is “starting to crack” and “needs to crack a few more jokes”. Chegwin was once the hsot of Naked Jungle, the the Channel 5 “gameshow for naturists”. That was when Channel 5 was owned By Richard Desmond, who also, er, owns the Daily Star.

Such are the facts…

Posted: 20th, January 2015 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Celebrity Big Brother: Paula Hamilton’s double clap

PAULA Hamilton in OK!:

“…I have a great relationship with my psychologist. I will do this [demonstrates a special double clap] and he will take me out and talk to.”

After Cebebrity Big Brother, Paula will be available for panto. A special double clap and – Fazooks! – the genie of the lamp appears…

Posted: 9th, January 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Simon Cowell’s sex secrets remain secret on Celebrity Big Brother

CELEBRITY Big Brother might be all about Simon’s Cowell’s sex life. Well, if you read the Daily Star, that is:

August 14 2012: Jasmine Lennard has nothing to say about sex with Superstud Cowell!

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Posted: 9th, January 2013 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment


Jim Davidson: Michelle Cotton’s age, foreign rapists and Celebrity Big Brother

JIM Davidson OBE denies any wrongdoing. He’s the 10th man to be questioned by police as part of Operation Yewtree, the Met Police’s investigation into Jimmy Savile and others. Of that ten, nine men have been arrested, including Gary Glitter, Freddie Starr, Dave Lee Travis, Stuart Hall and Max Clifford.

The Sun says the man not arrested was “seized in Berkshire“. Such is the paedo panic that helping police with their enquiries now means you’ve been “seized“.

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Posted: 3rd, January 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Celebrity Big Brother: at last it’s back (launch night photos)

CHANNEL 4’s decision to get rid of Celebrity Big Brother seems ludicrous. Last night, C4 broadcast Superscrimpers: Waste Not, Want Not, a programme seen by 1.19m people. This was followed by 24 Hours in A&E (2.05m) and a truly pisspoor show called Sex Story: Fifty Shades of Grey (968k). Over on Five, the Big Brother launch was seen by 2.6m. Although 3.5 million saw the launch show last year, the figure are still decent. For all its up and downs, CBB is one of the best reality television shows ever.

It’s the show that gave us:

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Posted: 16th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Dog the Bounty Hunter denied glorious British TV appearance because of some poxy murder

BRITISH television has been denied the appearance of glorious be-mulleted thunderberk, Dog the Bounty Hunter because of a little ol’ murder. Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman was apparently all set for an appearance on Celebrity Big Brother (yes, it would appear that this is a show that is still being aired, remarkably), but stupid suits put the scuppers on it and denied him a UK visa thanks to his conviction for a harmless murder in 1976.

The Seventies were a different time. Everyone was murdering each other back then weren’t they? But no, immigration swine stopped him and his tremendous mane from being locked in a house to go slightly mad over a series of televised weeks.

HOW DARE THEY?

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Posted: 15th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment


Shannon twins wanted Frankie Cocozza charged with ‘sexual harrassment’

IN this week’s OK!, Celebrity Big Brother fans can catch up with their fave housemates, who survived the nightmare. We meet Frankie Cocozza, Denise Welch, Michael Madsen and the Shannon twins.

So. Denise Welch, what did you gain from your time in the Celebrity Big Brother house? Says Denise, 53:

“I learnt that not everyone is the same as me.”

” I’ve learnt that you can’t please some, people all the time…”

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Posted: 1st, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


In photos – Denise Welsh beats off Frankie Cocozza to win Celebrity Big Brother

CELEBRITY Big Brother has been won by embarrassing, self-pitying mum Denise Welch, who beat off the challenge of bewilderingly untalented X Factor renegade Frankie Cocozza, likeable Welsh rugby player Gareth Thomas, a thong (?) of good looking women with only two settings – dull and disagreeable – Reservoir Dogs 2’s Michael Madsen, a desperate Natalie Cassidy and someone who isn’t Mark Wright from The Only Way Is Essex. All in all it was lots of telly with some terrific highlights that made us wonder why Channel 4 ever ditched it. Chuck in a bigger budget and the Big Brother could go on for ever….

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Brian Dowling (right) with Nicola McLean as she is evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother House at the Elstree Studios, Borehamwood.

Posted: 27th, January 2012 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (7)


Celebrity Big Brother: Natalie Cassidy and Michael Madsen star in Reservoir Dogs 2

CELEBRITY Big Brother highlight of the night: Natalie Cassidy sucks up to Michael Madsen,the actor whose career walked out the Reservoir Dogs premiere and slipped on a banana skin, (Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home), skidded on a turd (Species 2), fell belly first off a high diving board (Kill Bill: Vol 2) and landed face first in a custard pie (Piranhaconda, which, like Reservoir Dogs, has yet to have a sequel). Says Cassidy:

“I’d like to do a gritty drama with you, Michael. You’ve not seen my body of work.”

A body of wok that includes: EastEnders, followed by (sliiiiiiip!) Celebrity Driving School, Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up, Natalie Cassidy’s Diet Secrets (Shhh!), Celebrity Mastermind and Strictly Come Dancing.

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Posted: 25th, January 2012 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (8)


Natasha Giggs gets a dollar for Celebrity Big Brother

CELEBRITY Big Brother housemate Natasha Giggs does not feel like she has had the chance to out across her side of the story of her affair with her brother-in-law Manchester United player Ryan Giggs other than what people read in the, er, stories she sold to the tabloids?

As she entered the house, Big Brother played Aloe Blacc’s I Need a Dollar. The Big Brother celebrity budget only goes so far…

PS-  This is not the first Big Brother Natasha has been on.

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Posted: 5th, January 2012 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Frankie Cocozza Fights With Girls At X Factor Party While Winking At Big Brother Slot

REMEMBER how ‘real’ Frankie Cocozza was? He was properly, properly real. Not like those other X Factor contestants. He meant it when he sang that song by The Clash. He meant every single word of ‘Rocks’ by Primal Scream. He meant every single name tattooed onto his hairless arse.

Sadly, those that surrounded Cocozza meant it when they gently shoved him into the path of controversy every chance they got. Wanna pint Frankie? Have ten. Wanna girl? Have two, and here’s a line for pep.

Of course, because he got booted off the show, he’s not had much to do. However, he was invited to the X Factor wrap party and of course, he needed to remind the newspapers that he existed. So what did he do?

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Posted: 15th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Ex-Hoff Gets Booted Out Of The Big Brother House, But Gets Her Revenge On Half The House

YES! We have a 100% accuracy with the whole Predicting Who Is Getting Voted Out Of The Big Brother House thing. You really should start putting money on our guesswork because we’re quite clearly brilliant/sad enough to take an interest in the show.

As predicted, Pamela Bachman Turner Overdrive Hasselhoff was voted off, leaving odious, foetid cockatiel Darryn Lyons in the house with his man-made 20 pack stomach. Seriously. It looks like a dinosaur’s back.

The Hoff’s ex-wife got seven nominations from her housemates who all uniformly thought she was a whining old bag with nothing good to say about anyone.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Mr Paparazzi And Ex-Mrs The Hoff Up For Big Brother Eviction Unsurprisingly

BRILLIANT. That’s what we are. That’s because we correctly predicted who would be voted out of the Celebrity Big Brother house over the weekend, seeing the terminally unpopular Sally Bercow getting sent back to the obscurity from whence she came.

Good riddance too. We don’t want political people polluting our perfectly good television sets. They’re all scum of the highest order, unable to string a sentence together without keeping one eye on a camera. And you thought proper celebrities were bad.

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Posted: 30th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Big Brother Eviction Night! Who Is Going And Do You Even Care?

TONIGHT is eviction night in the Celebrity Big Brother house, which essentially means that some sleb-pleb will find out how high their stock is with the general public… or indeed, how low it is.

There’s a certain level of arrogance that is required for a celebrity to enter the Big Brother house. First of all, you have to believe that you’re famous enough to warrant a place next to such luminaries like Tara Reid and Paddy Doherty who is a gypsy who someone pointed a camera that didn’t belong to News At Ten.

And so, we’re faced with the first eviction and it’s a dog-fight between Kerry Katona and her prawn ring, Sally Bercow and her poshery and Bobby Sabel and his… er… face.

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Posted: 26th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Oh God. One Of Jedward Has Got Married In The Big Brother House To Her From TOWIE

ONE thing we were all counting on  in the BB House (ha! ‘All’ being ‘The three people actually watching Celebrity Big Brother) was that producers of the show were just desperate to drive a big fat wedge between Jedward, like taking a pair of shears to some conjoined twins.

Well, the ball is in motion, with Amy Childs and One Of Jedward (who cares which one) being ‘married’ in the house. With any luck, we’ll see Childs cruelly taking One Of Jedward’s virginity too, while The Other One From Jedward looks tearfully on.

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Posted: 24th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Celebrity Big Brother: The Cracks Start To Show With Bobby ‘Who?’ Sabel’s Rant Against Z Listers

WHO?! Bobby Sabel is a model, dufus. He’s paid to do little more than be a vacuous thing to occupy clothes while people take photos of him. Of course, he’s every right to slate others for being gits.

And that’s exactly what he did in a late-night whine about Amy Childs, Kerry Katona and Darryn Lyons while smoking tabs in the Big Brother garden.

Offering sagely advice to Lucious Landiplop, Sabel said:

“I think [Amy] will bleed you dry for everything you’re worth… She’d absolutely use you. She’d use you for the press.

“Don’t go there. You’re better than that. You’re smarter than that.”

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Posted: 23rd, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Darryn Lyons Fake Stomach Photos: The Abs-olutely Tragic

DARRYN Lyons is the paparazzo gone native, sticking himself in front of the cameras on Celebrity Big Brother. That’s him dressed like a detonated children’s entertainer. And get a load of this keen exerciser’s tummy. The rumours are that it’s fake. Tsk!

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Posted: 22nd, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Celebrity Big Brother Review: Day 1, Where Everything Felt The Same

SOME things had changed in the skewed landscape of (Celebrity) Big Brother. First off, there was no Davina. It was also on a different channel, getting shunted sideways from Channel 4 to Five. And other things had changed too like… er… well… nothing.

See, BB came back with Marcus Bentley providing his usual ebullient Geordie narrative, along with that theme tune, that house, that braying crowd of placard holding dimwits and that sneaking suspicion that this show, while briefly exciting in return, has probably had it’s day.

In previous years, Big Brother has always fared well on the opening night. We can all muster up enough interest to see which poor, beleaguered sod wants to put themselves through the wringer, tuning in to hurl obscenities at them or, more appropriately, shriek “WHO ARE YOU?! NO SERIOUSLY! WHO? YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A WIKIPEDIA PAGE! YOU PLEB!

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Posted: 19th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Jedward Will Be In The Celebrity Big Brother House, Of Course

THERE is absolutely no surprise that John and Edward (or Jedward from now on because they really don’t deserve to have separate names really, given that, together, they equate to less than your average human being) have been strongly linked to Five’s Celebrity Big Brother 2011.

Basically, when you’ve no discernible skill, other than a constant source of wonder at the world, coupled with the ability to take the English language and mangle it into something curious and baffling, you’re always going to gravitate toward a show that essentially prolongs your career without having to do anything more than sit on a sofa, occasionally cook, have drunken quarrels, shag under kitchen tables and perform a vaguely humiliating tasks in a garden.

Essentially, it’s fresher’s week for celebrities.

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Posted: 17th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


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