Posts Tagged ‘celebrity gossip’
Lindsay Lohan: No Contest Plea Over Tacky But Expensive Necklace
EVEN though she dressed like an Italian prostitute in court, spent years making everyone jealous by being stinkin’ rich and having sex with all manner of men and women, while (allegedly) indulging in amazing amounts of drink and drugs, Lindsay Lohan is going to give the doe-eyes and plead ‘no contest’ in court.
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Posted: 11th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Cheryl Cole Confirmed As US X Factor Judge (With Added Subtitles)
POP-CULTURE mogul, Simon Cowell, really does have the softest of spots of Cheryl Cole. Apart from the boring ‘she works really hard and does as she’s told’ likelihood of favour, we shudder to think what she may have done to secure such a place in Cowell’s chequebook.
After transforming her from the most fancied one in Girls Aloud who may have smacked a toilet attendant in the face as well as marrying a self-serving footballing shit-basket to The Nation’s Sweetheart Of The Estates, Cowell now seems adamant in his endeavours to make Cole go global.
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Posted: 5th, May 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Mel Gibson’s Ex Is Now Saying That He Didn’t Domestic Violence Her One On The Face
LAST seen with a stuffed beaver sewn to his hand, Mel Gibson has had a troublesome year or so, facing allegations of being a anti-Semite, accusations of being a racist for dropping the N Bomb in Those Tapes as well as being alleged to have battered his ex-gal, Oksana Grigorieva.
Well, small joy for Gibbo as Oksana has dropped her allegations of domestic violence against the actor while she attempts to settle their hilariously ugly and public custody battle.
Is anyone thinking or future trainwreck, baby Lucia in all of this? Who cares?
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Posted: 5th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Lady GaGa Bans Ice Cubes And Eats Like A Dullard
SOMETIMES it feels like Lady GaGa single handedly revived pop. With that, it is fair to say she’s the current queen of pop culture, which gives her the chance to turn into a self-aware kook. God knows we need some oddballs in music at the moment, especially given that rock music is currently riddled with men who are about as thrilling as a post-match interview with Michael Owen.
So with that, GaGa has decided to ban ice-cubes from her concerts.
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Morrissey Talks About David Cameron, Like You Care
MORRISSEY, rock’s longest face, has refuted claims that he banned suet faced Prime Minister David Cameron from his dressing room at a concert.
The fact is, Mozza probably didn’t have to ban Cameron from his shows because the coalition leader will have no doubt been sneered at by bespectacled Smiths fans, all pathetically grazing his back with their well thumbed Morrissey scrapbooks, pomade and NHS hearing aids.
Seeing as Cameron is a Tory, he’s completely oblivious to criticism. You could call him the most unspeakable insult right to his puddingy head, and he’d spin it into some kind of discourse about something so tedious, that you’ll end up killing yourself at his feet, which he’d then use as encouragement to carrying the devastating cuts, as tribute to you.
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Peter Andre Didn’t Hump Elen Rivas While His Children Watched
PETER Andre is a modern day saint. Think about it. He had sexual relations with Katie Price so no-one else had to. He really took one for the team while Jordan fell on the metaphorical sword.
Of course, Price went off with Alex Reid, attracted to his womanly frame and the fact that he was so dumb that he couldn’t spot that he was nothing more than bait to make Peter Andre jealous. This saw Andre crying on Sky News at the hands of the monster that is Kay Burley.
Then, secretly, Pete started going out with Elen Rivas. Sadly for him, everyone had kinda guessed it already.
About the fact he was keeping this relationship a secret, Andre says:
“I never let them see Elen and I in bed together, not ever.”
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Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Charlie Sheen To Go To Court While Denise Richards Babysits
ISN’T it great that Charlie Sheen is still hauling his lumbering, near-dead frame around while muttering memes and such, in an attempt to get us to shower him with that thing he craves more than money – attention.
So needy is Charlie Sheen, that he’s probably started advertising for stalkers on top of the intern, which is most likely going to be some pneumatic blonde with a surgeon’s bosom.
However, Sheen wants to bring his kids up right, amongst the adult actresses, suitcases of drugs and people crying in cupboards. That’s why he’s taking his estranged wife, Brooke Mueller, to court in an attempt to get custody of his twin sons.
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Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Kate Hudson Talks About Why She Loves Rodent Faced Muse Singer
AWFUL prog band, Muse, have inexplicably become one of the biggest bands on the planet. With this fame, singer Matt Bellamy has even managed to bag himself a glamorous gal in the shape of Kate Hudson. That’s Kate ‘the fit one from Almost Famous and daughter of Goldie Hawn’ Hudson to you.
And somehow, Bellamy has even convinced her to have a child with him.
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Posted: 19th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Katie Price Pulls Out Of London Marathon, Saving Us From Seeing Her Hideously Sweating Everywhere
KATIE Price – or Jordan if you’re from the ’90s – has decided to do us all a massive favour by pulling out of this year’s London Marathon, saving us all from the awful image of her distorted face and voluminous breasts pumping out orange sweat onto the pavements of the nation’s capital.
It’s tempting to think that she could have actually gone ahead with the thing, allowing people to point and laugh while blurting out “LOOK! That Katie Price outfit is amazingly unrealistic! Those lips look like a burst settee. Wait. That’s not the real deal is it?”
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Posted: 13th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Israeli Prime Minister Hates Justin Bieber Or Something
JUSTIN Bieber has slowly been revealing himself as a little superbrat. An impressive feat seeing as he’s only a matter of minutes old, still dripping in amniotic juices and placental gunk.
Rumour has it that, despite not having grown a proper set of finger nails yet, the pint sized popstar is already cheating on his celebrity girlfriend, Selena Gomez, and has been caught flipping the bird at the paparazzi after they took his picture repeatedly (not that he likes the attention and the riches and privilege that comes with being someone in the public consciousness constantly).
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Mariah Carey Is Stupid Because She Thinks Her Unborn Twins Have Different Personalities
IT must be slowly dawning on Mariah Carey that she’s not the only person on Earth who has ever had a baby. As each new stretch mark appears on her drum-taut stomach and each haemorrhoid pings like popcorn from her anus, her sheer will to make this whole pointless event special grows and grows.
Fact is, her new children are just another pair of things to occupy some vital space on our failing planet. They’re guaranteed to grow-up to be disappointing adults, drunk on their own sense of self worth and ultimately jaded at the prospect that they’re just things that live to ultimately die without ever achieving anything remotely great in their lives.
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Posted: 12th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Vanessa Hudgens Defends Her Skimpy Outfits In Sucker Punch
GOOD lord! Hollywood hasn’t got a history of using women as sex objects in movies… until now that is! See, the shock and scandal is that, in new action flick – Sucker Punch – Vanessa Hudgens and her costars all parade around in very little clothing and it has people all in a tizz!
In the film, onanists will be able to enjoy the bodies of Hudgens, Abbie Cornish, Emily Browning and more, all charging around in tiny slips of material. Of course, this has never happened before in the history of film.
As such, Variety were absolutely correct to gripe that this movie is nothing more than “fantasy fodder for 13-year-old guys” and that the assembled ladies are sporting nothing more than “demeaning fetish gear”.
Cor. Demeaning fetish gear eh? PHWOAR. The cinemas could well set ablaze with the friction from young men rubbing their thighs too furiously.
But whatever. Hudgens doesn’t agree with these mewing Mary Whitehouse sorts.
“I was in the best shape of my life, so why not? The woman’s body is a beautiful thing. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t, like, be our best in our costumes.”
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Posted: 12th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Thieves Wisely Pawned Off What They Stole From Paris Hilton
THIEVES may not have been very attentive at school but they’re not daft. Think about it – when you’re locked out of your house, instead of finding inventive ways in, you stand there staring at your dying battery symbol with all the futility of an ice-pop in an inferno, pacing around and worrying about looking like a dodgy swinebrained git.
In the time it takes you to wonder what you can lob through a window, a good burglar will have sneaked in, stolen your identity and killed your beloved dog before the alarm even kicked in.
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Posted: 11th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Coco Pops Sales Plummet As Jedward’s Stupid Faces Adorn Box
COCO Pops are the cereal of the cheeky monkey child. Coco The Monkey has always embodied that vague notion of wacky rebellion, essentially being the spokessimian for those sticking two fingers up at those who say you can’t eat chocolate for your breakfast.
Of course, adults like to secretly gorge on Coco Pops even though they tell everyone in the office that they eat boring things like muesli and that most hideous of constructs, the ‘graze box’.
However, that’s all about to change as Kellogg’s have done something so incredibly stupid that we’ll probably see the end of Coco Pops existing as a thing.
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Posted: 11th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Simon Cowell Turned Down Chance To Watch A Couple Having Sex
IMAGINE the towering gloom and endless pools of unyielding hate that a man must hold within to think that his life was in desperate need of Simon Cowell, perched at the foot of your bed while you have sex with your wife.
This may sound like some terrible daydream, but according to the eerily toothed talent-show mogul, this is what happened when someone invited him to critique his skills in the sack.
Note, this wasn’t a cash offer to see Cowell joining in, rather, to simply stand over the coitus and tut repeatedly and chirruping “you smashed it”.
Cowell claims:
“He offered me $150k to criticise him bonking his wife”
“The crazy part of the story is I said no. It would have been a much more interesting story now if I’d accepted the offer.”
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Posted: 7th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jay Z Loses His Mind And Becomes Fan Of Kerry Katona
JAY-Z, for the most part, is a man you can trust. He’s given the world a frightening amount of great hip hop records, shared fine artists like Rihanna via his record label and, of course, he’s married to Beyonce which shows he has impeccable taste in the female form.
Or does he? You see, J-Hova has clearly lost his bap as he’s apparently come forward as a fan of Kerry Katona.
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Posted: 6th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comment (1)
Plan B Would Like To Do A Comedy TV Show
IF his preposterous pop-rap career wasn’t comedic enough, Plan B would apparently love to star in a comedy show on the television! Imagine the japes he could get up to! Telling his hilarious stories about selling a bit of weed way back when and ‘conquering soul music’! Haw haw!
Apparently, Plan B (real name Clarence Glans Thimbleberry III) would only do it… not that anyone has shown the vaguest bit of interest in giving him his own show… if he could showcase his ”sick” humour.
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Rebecca Black To Sue ‘Friday’ And Biting The Hand That Feeds Her While She’s At It
REMEMBER when everyone thought it was funny to go tell a 2 year old girl to go self harm herself to death for making a bad record? Those were fun times weren’t they?
Of course, everyone’s hatred and projected loathing saw Rebecca Black reportedly earning an impressive $27,000 per week, leaving her to cry amongst toppling wealth. That’s the usual trade-off in fairness and at least she got it out of the way before the agony of adulthood broke into her brains and turned her into a listless, jaded husk of her former self.
That said, this hallowed out feeling has already started to creep into the bones of young Ms Black as she’s decided to indulge in a very adult activity – no, not that kind of activity you lisping pervert – as she’s all set to take out a lawsuit!
And so, are we to assume she’s going for the jugular against though who made incredibly harmful comments against her? Don’t be stupid! She’s going after the people who facilitated her fame!
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Justin Bieber’s Girlfriend Selena Gomez Plans To Not Do something
THE budget may be taking us all roughly with no lubricant, Libya may well be about to explode like a giant box of catherine wheels and Japan may well consist of people stood solemnly staring at the catastrophic carnage, wondering where to begin when rebuilding such a beautiful country… but what about the really big news?
We’re talking specifically about the world of gyrating foetus, Justin Bieber or, more importantly, what Bieber’s girlfriend, Selena Gomez.
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Posted: 4th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
