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Posts Tagged ‘christmas’

Noel Gallagher on hating Christmas

Noel Gallagher hates Christmas. Well, I guess if you’re called Noel you might well try to break free of nominative determinism. He does protest a lot…

Posted: 24th, December 2017 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Hairless Santa upsets the kids at Bangor’s Winter Wonderland

winter wonderland NI


You know it must be Christmas because a Winter Wonderland is being shown up as crap. And so it is that ‘Winter Wonderland NI’ scheduled to turn the Clandeboye Estate in Bangor into a haven for elves and ornamental penguins is no more.

“There was a so-called ice rink set up, but the kids didn’t want to go anywhere near it and said it smelled of chlorine,” said Andrew Webb, who visited the place with his family. “The queue to see Santa was large, shambolic and strewn with litter.”

Just as it is in Lapland, of course, which is twinned with Swindon.

“The gifts we were given for our kids were age inappropriate, in that we were handed unisex gifts that were for ages six to eight and when opened, it was for three years plus,” he adds.

Natalie Jackson told BBC Radio Ulster it was “the worst Santa Claus outfit she had ever seen… My daughter said ‘why can I see the elastic on Santa’s beard’? He had painted on eyebrows, you could not imagine it to be any worse.”

Rhonda Elliott also went. How was it? “Horrendous,” says Rhonda in the Belfast Telegraph. “We ended up having to stand in a huge line full of prams with kids getting upset and an elf trying to push us further along even though there was nowhere to go – it was terrible.” At least it as actual elf, right.  “Santa’s beard didn’t have a hole in it for his mouth so he had to pull it down to speak. Horrified kids were shouting: ‘He isn’t real!'”

Well… here’s the thing, kids…


“The ice rink did not have any ice,” says another visitor. “It was slippery plastic and it was nearly pitch black inside the marquee where it was, so you were risking tripping up over all the ice skates that had been discarded…. there were inflatable things that were not even inflated.”

Winter Wonderland NI has apologised.


And Santa? Well, he’s now back in his North Pole bolt hole continuing his treatment for facial alopecia.

Posted: 18th, December 2017 | In: News | Comment

Woman will eat her mother for Christmas lunch

It’s not quite long pig on the menu at Debra Parsons’ Christmas table because she won’t be eating her mother off the bone. Debra will be scattering her late mum Doreen Brown’s ashes over the turkey served at her Folkestone, Kent, home. She’ll then dust a few more barbecued mum bites over the Christmas pud.

Debra, 41, says she often has a spoon of her mother to feel “as close as possible” to the woman who died last May. “It is the only thing that will get me through my first Christmas without mum,” Debra tells the Mirror. “People might think I’m mad or that it’s not a very respectful thing to do but I just can’t stop myself.”

Remember to chew 20 times to aid digestion. And take a few moments to reflect before flushing the post-prandial remains away.


turkey christmas

“Well, at least he invited me this year”


“I feel like she can live on by being inside of me because if she is part of me she can breathe through my body,” Debra continues. “My breath is her breath.” Put your hand in front of your face and blow. Now inhale. What you smell is PLT6975, the fast-food fried chicken you lives on in your body, seeing what you see, eating what you eat and praying when you pray. If anyone says “Here, boy!” and you feel your ears tingle and tongue loll, that’ll be the supermarket own-brand lasagne working its magic.

But is being eaten what mum and Jesus would have wanted?

“At first I kept them in a ­plastic sandwich bag,” says Debra of her mum’s ashes. Later, she moved them to a (lunch?) box.  “…I don’t know what made me do it the first time – it was just an urge. I can’t describe it. I opened the box and licked my fingers and just dipped them into the powder… I have been having a ­little taste most days – sometimes on my ­finger or on a little spoon.”

And now for the main course. Doreen is served. “We will have a place laid for her and a picture of her on the table so she can be with us on the very special day.”

That way when anyone praises your old bird and asks what the secret of your cooking is, you can point to mum.

And if Doreen turkey’s not your thing, why not try the Christmas Sam, Russell’s sprouts, Ted sauce, Nevilles on horseback, roast potatoes sprinkled with Rosemary and the to-die-for Vince pies?

Posted: 17th, December 2017 | In: News, Strange But True | Comment

The hipster nativity is a thing of comfort and joy

hipster nativity


Nicely done hipster nativity makers. The three wise men ride on Segways bearing gifts from Amazon for the newborn. Mary holds her Starbucks and pouts. She looks more than tad high. Joseph is taking a photo of his own head. The bard has solar heating; the sheep has a jumper; and one of the wise men is sporting a waxed ‘tache.


hipster nativity

hipster nativity


 Spotter: here


Posted: 25th, October 2017 | In: The Consumer | Comment

The year my father got my mother a hoover for Christmas 1984

he year my father got my mother a hoover for Christmas 1984.


On Reddit, Mr-Irrelevance recalls Christmas 1984, when his father gifted his mother a hoover. The picture of her present is fabulous.

Below the photo, others share their gift memories:

When I was a kid my dad pulled something similar. Mom had been dropping hints for months that she wanted speakers in the kitchen. Christmas morning arrives and Dad gives Mom her big present! I remember her saying “oh I wonder what this is!?” with a big smile on her face as she began to open it. When she realized what it really was the smile faded and the twinkle was gone from her eyes. Instead of speakers dad had gotten her a fucking ironing board. She looked at him hoping it was a joke but no…Dad was really that stupid. The next day Dad went out and bought some really expensive speakers. – foxpoint

I used to work for a charity and at Christmas we would have a stall in the mall where we wrapped up gifts in return for a donation to the charity. It was mainly men who used this service. I always remember the elderly gentlemen who came over full of excitement that he’d found a present that he thought his wife really wanted – it was an ironing board cover. Not even a whole ironing board; just the cover. Imagining Christmas morning in their house made me sad. – TrappedUnderCats

Spotter: Reddit, via Flashbak

Posted: 26th, April 2017 | In: Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment

The war on Christians and Christmas: Trump v the New York Times and UVA

Donald Trump thinks the attack on a Berlin Christmas market was an assault on Christianity. “Innocent civilians were murdered in the streets as they prepared to celebrate the Christmas holiday,” says Trump. “ISIS and other Islamist terrorists continually slaughter Christians in their communities and places of worship as part of their global jihad.”

Islamic State has claimed responsibility for the massacre.

It’s a group not famed for its tolerance of other religions.

So why did it choose to murder people at a Christmas market?

The New York Times says there is no “war on Christmas” and, therefore, Christian belief is not in peril.

The greeting “Happy Holidays” has been in use as a Christmas greeting for more than 100 years. But it has grown in popularity in recent decades as people have tried to be inclusive and sensitive to those of other faiths and the nonreligious.

Do you say happy holidays at Eid or Diwali?

Not everyone opts for coercion at the point of a sabre.

Tim Black notes: “…to defend the freedom of those Christians today who refuse to endorse same-sex marriage, or who believe that a heterosexual couple provides the best environment to raise a child, does not entail defending the beliefs themselves; rather, it entails defending people’s right to hold and practise those beliefs where, as Tom Paine had it, ‘their practice doesn’t disturb public order as established by the law’.”

In the West Christians are criminalised and placed ‘on the wrong side of history’ for expressing their heartfelt beliefs. Coercion has replaced reason.

Trump, the Times‘ and IS each espouse their monocular view of religious intolerance.

Liam Stack ends his NY Times article by stating: ‘It should be noted that Jews, Muslims and others who do not celebrate Christmas often say they are not offended by a hearty ‘Merry Christmas”.’

Who asked them and why were they asked?

As the pollsters look for offence, Campus Reform asked students at the University of Virginia if they find Christmas offensive enough to want it banned.



Posted: 22nd, December 2016 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)

Christmas Is Cancelled: every time the media said Xmas was dead

Christmas cancelled


Every season the media tells readers “Christmas is cancelled”. Here’s a list of Christmases cancelled this season of cheer.

Nottingham Post, Novembers 18: “Christmas has effectively been cancelled for dozens of young children after thieves ransacked a nursery in Stapleford.” Thieves broke in and stole computers.

Stoke Sentinel, November 21: “Christmas is cancelled in Tunstall.” Why? Because there aren’t enough volunteers to help with a council-run do.

Daily Express, November 23: “‘We are a Muslim business’ Woolworths store cancels Christmas over Islamic customers.” A Woollies in Dortmund has stopped selling Christmas decorations and seasonal tat because it’s Muslim? No. “Branch manager Seda Capakcur, 25, confirmed Christmas products had been withdrawn from sale. She said: ‘The Christmas articles are hardly in demand here. Already last year, everything remained unsold.'”

Spokeswoman Diana Preisert said: “Woolworth is, of course, not a Muslim company. Christmas merchandise is available from September onwards and should be sold out by the end of December. In this branch, however, demand was too low. Therefore the goods were distributed to other branches.”

December 2, Morning News USA: “Christmas Cancelled? Santa Banned In This Part Of Oregon.” Bah! “An Oregon school district on Tuesday decided to ban Santa and other religious-themed decorations within the classroom.” Santa is religious?

December 4, USA Today: “Christmas is cancelled: Santa breaks leg.” (Psst! He’s not the real Santa.)

Daily Mail, December 4: “Cowell tells his harem that ‘Christmas is cancelled’ as he plays happily families in the Caribbean with his girlfriend and son.” Simon Cowell has cancelled Christmas for “old flames Sinitta, model Jackie St Clair and make-up artist Mezhgan Hussainy”, who will not be joining him on his family hols in the sun.

Hull Daily Mail, December 8: “Christmas is cancelled for Hull thief Stewart Firth.” Crook told to spend Christmas thinking about his crimes.

Derby Telegraph, December 8: “Parents fear Christmas could be cancelled in Derby schools because of strike action.” Teaching assistants are thinking of going on strike. Elves union watching events closely.

Irish Independent, December 12: ““Everyone is seriously p***** off” – Jose Mourinho reported to have cancelled Christmas.” Instead of training on Christmas Day morning, Manchester United will be training on Christmas Day afternoon., December 13: “Christmas is cancelled: Shortage of all your favourite festive treats.” Yep, the Hatchimal toy is selling out fast!

Daily Star, December 14: “Christmas is cancelled.” It’s been cancelled by striking Southern Railways staff and looming strikes by workers of Argos and the Post Office.

More to follow…

Posted: 14th, December 2016 | In: Reviews | Comment

Cardiff’s plastic Christmas tree is cheaper than a white elephant

Cardiff council has invested £30,000 renting the biggest Christmas tree in the country.

At 40 metres the fake tree made of metal, plastic and more plastic would have been the envy of every municipal council in the land. But something went wrong and the tree if only 40ft high.

The tree, made in China, was hired for £10,000 a year on a three-year contract.

The council has yet to put an ‘angel’ on the tree but the city’s head of parks and gardens is being lubed up as we write.

Posted: 28th, November 2016 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Teen brandished machete gift at mother during Christmas board game despute

other parentsHow was your Christmas?  Did you and the family play games? One 15-year-old did. During play he threatened his mother with a machete he received as a Christmas present.

To West Jordan, Utah, then, where Sgt. Keith Bronson of the West Jordan Police Department says the the fight ensued after a board game was turned over and the boy couldn’t find all the pieces.

“We find that people have a wide range of coping skills,” Sgt. Bronson said. “Some of them are good and positive and some of them are not. Of course, this was a good example of what not to do – when you become angry and decide to take on the adults in your house.

“Specifically with a gift that they’ve given you just a few days earlier. I’m glad we were able to get there and bring stability to this situation as quickly as possible. We would encourage parents or people who are in charge of young people to call police as soon as they feel their own anger is getting out of hand. Police officers can often get in there quickly and and help diffuse a situation if we can be contacted early enough.”

Bad losers, you have been warned.

Posted: 5th, January 2016 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

The top five Christmas songs written by Jews

circa 1925: Russian-born US composer Irving Berlin (Israel Baline, 1888 - 1989) at the keyboard with violinist Jascha Heifetz. (Photo by Henry Guttmann/Getty Images)

circa 1925: Russian-born US composer Irving Berlin (Israel Baline, 1888 – 1989) at the keyboard with violinist Jascha Heifetz. (Photo by Henry Guttmann/Getty Images)


Have yourselves a happy Christmas, folks. Here are the top five Christmas songs written by Jews:

“White Christmas” – Written by Irving Berlin. Bing Crosby’s version is the bestselling single of all time

“The Christmas song” (“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”) – Written by Bob Wells and Mel Torme.

“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow” – Sammy Cahn.

“Santa Baby” – written by Joan Javits.

“Winter Wonderland” – written in 1934 by Felix Bernard.

Take it away, Eartha Kitt:

Posted: 20th, December 2015 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comment (1)

Creepy Christmas songs: Angels of Love

An incredibly creepy Christian kids song for Christmas. Linda Blair is away:


Posted: 6th, December 2015 | In: Music, Reviews, TV & Radio | Comment

‘Fat’ Mary squashes nativity donkey to death

fat jesus

To Spain, where a fat ‘Mary’ has crushed to death a natitivy scene donkey:

A donkey, part of a live Christmas crib in southern Spain, has died two days after being mounted by a 150kg (330lb) man who gatecrashed the nativity scene.  The man jumped over a fence and leapt on to the five-month-old donkey, named Platero, who was part of a nativity scene in the town of Lucena, near Córdoba. The donkey was literally squashed by the man.

We need bigger donkeys to keep up with the obesity epidemic…

Posted: 18th, December 2014 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Jesus Wept! The Christmas Jumper That Bleeds For Your Fashion Sins



Who hasn’t looked at a Christmas jumper and declared ‘Jesus’?

Shredders are selling this fine seasonal sweater designed by Steve Byrne.







Posted: 23rd, November 2014 | In: Fashion | Comment

Leicester Mercury Says Haymarket Shopping Centre Has NOT Cancelled Christmas

THE Leicester Mercury has news: the Haymarket Shopping Centre has NOT cancelled Christmas:

Screen shot 2014-11-14 at 08.18.08


As you were…

Posted: 14th, November 2014 | In: Reviews | Comment

Christmas Jumper-orama: The Hideous Gremlins And Fargo Sweats

READY for Christmas? Ready for your seasonal sweater?

Mondo have greated designs based on the 1984 film Gremlins and the 1996’s Fargo.

fargo 1

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Posted: 19th, October 2014 | In: Fashion, Film | Comment

Jesus X: Why Xmas Is A Venerable Abbreviation For Christmas




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Posted: 24th, December 2013 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comments (2)

Penzance: How The Market Jew Got His Illuminated Christmas Knickers

penzance pant lights

WHAT do you see when you view the Christmas lights in Penzance, Cornwall.

Some see Christmas puddings.

Others see leopard print underwear dangling from a washing line.

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Posted: 18th, December 2013 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

How To… Party In Public At Christmas



CHRISTMAS is pretty much here and you’ll no doubt be going out and getting drunk and dancing and all that fun stuff. However, hate to break it to you, but you’re a nightmare.

You need teaching how to interact with the world when you’re partying through the Yule. So, with that, here’s some helpful tips that will ensure you’re not absolutely loathed by all of humankind through the festive party season.



Chances are, you’ve been complaining about Christmas music on Facebook and Twitter solidly since mid-November. Suddenly, drunk, you get the urge to listen to a classic Christmas pop hit in a pub or bar. There might be a DJ on. You’re hammered at it is only 8pm so the DJs barely got their headphones on. Don’t bellow ‘PLAY SLADE!’ at them because, you terrific berk, they’ll be keeping that in the box ’til around midnight, when everyone is nicely drunk and game for something daft. It is a peak-time song. You peaked too early. Whatever you do, don’t get your iPhone out and offer to play it from that, especially if the only soundtrack is the pub jukebox. This makes you a dreadful arse doing no-one a favour.

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Posted: 17th, December 2013 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment

Corporate Horrors: A TP Bennett Christmas Song

CHRISTMAS time works dos can be awful. But no more terrible than this horror show from the work pod-dwellers at TP* Bennett. The people at this “leading architectural, interiors and town planning practice with over 90 years’ experience across a broad range of building types in both the private and public sectors” are here to make you feel w whole lot better about your own company’s holiday season antics.

* A Building firm called TeePee. What are the odds:

Posted: 16th, December 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment

Cashing In On Christmas: The Biggest Rip-Off Albums Ever

IT’S Christmas! Time for a rip-off…

The historic album charts are full of magnificent Christmas Number Ones, including runs by the Beatles from 1963 to 1965 and 1967 to 1969. Ironically, however, the one year they didn’t manage the feat was 1966 – when their record label released a greatest hits collection specifically for the Christmas market.




The album was something of a rip-off, in that it consisted of pre-released hits, plus one song that had not been yet released in the UK. Thus fans wishing to hear the boys’ cover version of Larry Williams’s Bad Boy were forced to shell out for a full-price album.

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Posted: 16th, December 2013 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, Music | Comment

Christmas Disco! The 70s Songs Played At Christmastime In Hell

mistletoe disco band - A


DISCO music started with a fair amount of street cred; it wasn’t until it was marketed to oblivion that it fell out of favor. Like other counterculture movements (i.e. the hippie, psychedelic, punk, and grunge) it found its way to the mainstream whereby it was diluted and force fed to the masses. Disco, once an underground movement, flooded pop culture in the latter half of the 70s to such an extent that a backlash was inevitable.

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Posted: 14th, December 2013 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, Music | Comment

At Last! Lie Detectors In Santa’s Grotto


FOR years, lying little swine have got away with lying to Santa, saying they’ve been good all year when in fact, their school reports say something very different.

At long last, children in shopping centres in the UK are being asked to take a lie detector test before being granted an audience with His Holiness, Father Christmas.

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Posted: 11th, December 2013 | In: Reviews, Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment

And The Award For Most Baffling Letter To Santa Goes To…

SANTA is a busy man. First off, he has to get a load of occasional staff for the grotto, just like the Post Office do. He’s probably working them harder than Amazon too, but he’s got a sleigh that is propelled by flying elk, so he can do as he damn well pleases.

Let’s be honest here – Father Christmas is the Kanye of Yule. He’s bigger than Jesus and he knows it. He gets all the thanks and people leave him sherry and treats. What does Jesus get? Piss all.

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Posted: 3rd, December 2013 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comment

What Happens When Your Crash A Car Carrying A Christmas Tree (Video)

christmas tree car


THINKING of transporting a Christmas Tree on your car roof?

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Posted: 28th, November 2013 | In: Technology | Comment

Clacton Christmas Tree Is ‘Not Man Enough’

TO Clacton, where the Christmas tree donated by the Federation of Small Businesses is attracting dark looks:

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Posted: 25th, November 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment