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Posts Tagged ‘christmas’

Clacton Christmas Tree Is ‘Not Man Enough’

TO Clacton, where the Christmas tree donated by the Federation of Small Businesses is attracting dark looks:

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Posted: 25th, November 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment


The Thieving Middle-Class And The World-Wide Goats Cheese Shortage

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IN times of austerity, things get tough for people… and no-one suffers more than the middle classes. Stores throughout Britain are reporting a new type of problem – middle class theft – with items like gammon, ­parmesan, nice coffee and perfume being swiped.

Russell Holland, of security firm Checkpoint Systems, which sponsored the study, said: “We know that due to the recession people are stealing out of need for food. But you also have a Middle England group of people who have not had a bonus or pay rise but still want to maintain their lifestyle.”

Further pain for the middle-classes is afoot too, with reports of a worldwide goat’s cheese shortage, not to mention a wine shortage too. If this carries on, we’re all set for the politest rioting in the history of mankind.

One Tesco store in Cambridge has had to put manuka honey (£20 a jar) into plastic security boxes and Marks & Spencer now puts tags on turkey crowns.

Also getting robbed are lipsticks, perfume, hair straighteners, electric toothbrushes and power tools. The upwardly mobile have gone more mad than ten spring breaks.

The report, compiled by analysts Euromonitor for Checkpoint Systems, said: “A key observation from the grocery retailers interviewed was an increase in food theft – including items such as fresh meat – owing to the weak economy.”

Time to invest in a hummus safe house and get some laser beams around your tagines.

Posted: 15th, November 2013 | In: Money, Reviews | Comment


Christmas Is Spoiled By Opulence Says Archbishop Welby (Dressed In Golden Robes)

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JUSTIN Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has said that people are making themselves “miserable” at Christmas and potentially damaging their relationships because of their penchant for buying expensive presents and leaving themselves skint.

The pressure of flashing it around apparently means that people are potentially putting the relationships of loved ones at risk FOREVER.

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Posted: 15th, November 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment


Why People Moaning About Susan Boyle And Elvis Are Stupid And Wrong

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PART-TIME music snobs have been tutting and sighing about the imminent Christmas single featuring both Susan Boyle and Elvis. They think Elvis represents something sanctified and Boyle, something awful. These people, clearly, have little knowledge in either and, in fact, don’t realise how this duet makes a whole load of sense.

When asked about the duet, Susan Boyle was as puzzled as anyone, saying: “To sing with Elvis, I didn’t think it would be possible… isn’t technology brilliant? Dueting with Elvis was beyond my wildest dreams and now that this is able to raise money and help children, it is simply fantastic.”

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Posted: 31st, October 2013 | In: Music | Comments (5)


Susan Boyle’s Christmas LP to feature Elvis’ ghost

elvis boyleREMEMBER when everyone didn’t think Susan Boyle could sing because she wasn’t a young woman with an attractive face, wearing a snapback cap hi-tops? Then she sang with that soaring Radio 2 voice and everyone felt a bit bad, before continuing to continually talk about her looks because we’d learned nothing?

Well, while everyone has been working out whether they’re arseholes or not, Susan has been conquering the world with her easy-listening, raking in huge amounts of cash and forgetting all about us sausage roll dribbling plebs who have to queue up for things and worry about our mobile bills.

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Posted: 10th, September 2013 | In: Celebrities, Music | Comment (1)


The Scotch Tape pictures: how to wear Christmas gift wrapping

THANKS to New Mexico-based photographer Wes Naman we know what to do with all that used Christmas gift wrapping. We wear it. In his Scotch Tape pictures, Naman invited people to wear Sellotape. Most end up looking like Glasgow nightclub doormen. Others resemble the Old Patesians front row and mid-op surgery faces at Mr Trip ‘n’ Tuck’s, Miami surgery:

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Posted: 26th, December 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Why you’re addicted to watching Christmas TV

ON the addiction of watching Christmas TV, Tom Stafford notes:

Normally wanting and liking are tightly bound together. We want things we like and we like the things we want. But experiments by the University of Michigan’s Kent Berridge and colleagues show that this isn’t always the case. Wanting and liking are based on separate brain circuits and can be controlled independently. …

But in addiction, the theory goes, the circuits can become uncoupled, so that you get extreme wanting without a corresponding increase in pleasure. Matching this, addicts are notable for enjoying the thing they are addicted toless than non-addicts. This is the opposite of most activities, where people who do the most are also the ones who enjoy it the most. (Most activities except another Christmas tradition, watching television, where you see the same pattern as with drug addictions – people who watch the most enjoy it the least).

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Posted: 26th, December 2012 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Christmas holiday hairstyle of the season: the Rudolph bun

THIS Christmas do as Prince Harry does and get yourself a hairstyle Rudolph sock bun:

Posted: 11th, December 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Christmas Lights special: Santa sees you when you are sleeping…

IN this Christmas lights special we realise that the song is true – Santa DOES see you when you are sleeping…

Posted: 6th, December 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Will Muhammad Shahid Nazir, 31, aka £1 Fish Man, deliver the Christmas Number 1?

WILL Muhammad Shahid Nazir, 31, aka £1 Fish Man, deliver the Christmas Number 1? His  The £1 Fish Song is in all good and bad record shops on 9 December.

Nazir, who sings his song at Queen’s Market, Upton Park, London, has signed a deal with Warners.

The B-side does not feature a Turkey Song, which is disappointing…

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Posted: 29th, November 2012 | In: Music | Comment


Mad Magazine 1968: Fireworks for Christmas

FLASHBACK to UK Mad: Issue 82 / November 1968 – the back cover:

Posted: 16th, October 2012 | In: Flashback | Comments (2)


Kutcher begs Demi to let him have Christmas dinner at hers because he can’t work an oven

CAUGHT with his pants down on his wedding anniversary, you can imagine that Ashton Kutcher wasn’t that surprised Demi Moore promptly went about divorcing his famous arse. However, a little thing like that ain’t gonna stop the Kutch!

Just weeks after filing for divorce, Demi Moore has decided to try dating again, which is perfectly reasonable.

Now she’s filed for divorce, Demi wants a bit of fun to make herself feel good again,” a pal reveals. That said, Ashton is willing to take her a step back and begged to be invited over for Christmas lunch! We assumed it was because he can’t be trusted with sharp knives and an oven full of gas, but it appears it’s a little more wholesome than that. And we know how Ashton loves a turkey (see acting career.)

“He’s told her he wants to spend Christmas with her and the girls,” says a source. “It’s 
a bit of a cheek but she’s weighing 
up what’s the right thing to do.”

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Posted: 24th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Corina Gutierrez performs the happiest most uplifting Christmas song ever

CORINA Gutierrez, aka Ez2Smile, of San Antonio, Texas, will now star in the most uplifting and happiest feel good Christmas song ever.

The Zumba fitness instructor and motivational speaker, who has had osteogenesis imperfecta from birth, says she pressed the wrong button on her online playlist.

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Posted: 24th, December 2011 | In: Key Posts | Comment


Fabulous photos of a Scottish farmer plucking his turkeys for Christmas

THESE are fantastically macabre, Gothic and rich pictures of farmer John Booth plucking, weighing and hanging his Bronze Turkeys in preparation for Christmas dinner at his farm near Doune, central Scotland. If Peter Greenaway directed Jamie Oliver’s Pukka Xmas Kitchen it would look like this. Yeah. That Jamie would get a proper plucking…

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STANDALONE PHOTO. Farmer John Booth plucks,weighs and hangs his Bronze Turkeys in preparation for Christmas dinner at his farm near Doune, central Scotland.

Posted: 21st, December 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Father Christmas doesn’t exist says unreal Justin Bieber

SEEING as Justin Bieber’s fans are all roughly the same age as a mayfly, you’d think he’d be willing to keep the magic of Christmas in their hearts so him and his team could fully exploit the festive monetary gifts straight out of their pockets and into his.

But no. Justin Bieber is a massive spoilsport.

See, he’s very keen to point out to his army of infant fans that Father Christmas isn’t real. In fact, it was his mother who didn’t even give him the chance to believe in Santa Claus.

During an interview with Aol Music:

“My mom always told me there wasn’t a Santa. That was her logic: She thought if I grew up knowing about Santa then finding out he wasn’t real, that it would be like she was lying to me”.

“I didn’t tell my friends or ruin it for anyone – I was a good kid!”

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Posted: 19th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Christmas means sex with grandma

THE good folks at Crosby’s Molasses know that Christmas is all about have sex with grandma. You might ahve seen mummy kissing Santa, but grandma had the decency to shut the kitchen door…

 

Spotter: WOWCopyranter

 

Posted: 17th, December 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Santa’s Ship Sails In To Port Phillip Bay – 22 Days Early

Shipping Claus ANORAK has been a fan of the news sense shown at The Age in Melbourne for years ‘n’ years and there’s another cracking way to treat a story today. It is the use of the photo, credited to Angela Wylie, of one of this year’s last container ships arriving in Port Phillip, Melbourne.

The ship is packed to the decking – and a lot higher – with Santa’s gifts for the nation which celebrates Christmas downing a few stubbies and a prawn barbie on the beach.

This ship had not made the run from Lapland; it picked up from surrogate elf workshops in Shanghai, Ningbo, on China’s east coast, Hong Kong and Taiwan, before heading across the Pacific Ocean to the dangerous Tide Race entrance to Port Phillip Bay. It is known as the Rip and helped give Strine the expression ‘Ripper’.

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Posted: 3rd, December 2011 | In: Reviews | Comment


Christmas Gift Of The Moment: The Father Pissma Santa Alcohol Dispenser

THE Peeing Santa Alcohol Dispenser is our Christmas Gift Of The Moment. Father Pissmas is ready:

Santa Claus makes everything so much more festive and joyous, even when he’s pouring Liquor for you! Well, he sure has a weird way of helping you to a little drink. He never stops delivering gifts to you with an overly generous helping hand. When you feel the spirit of the season, call on Santa. When you’re feeling like a scrooge, call on Santa. When you just need something truly bizarre in your life, call on Santa. The only thing that’s gonna be lying under the tree this year is you.

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Posted: 16th, November 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment


The Best Christmas Jumpers And Sweaters Ever: A Photo Gallery To Make Sheep Weep

CHRISTMAS is coming. With it comes your new jumper. We’ve compiled a gallery of jumpers to look out for. If you see one in your immediate area, do not approach. Just take a photo and sent it to us. The sweater (and what an apt name for so fearsome a thing) will be hunted down, taken from this place and killed with extreme prejudice by our team of crack sheep. Failing that, it will be hand-delivered to Noel Edmonds…

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Posted: 7th, November 2011 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


Christmas Gifts: The Worry Jar

PETER Simon, star of selly telly Bid TV, follows his nasal thought bubble and talcum powder sensation introduces the ultimate Chrtsimas gift: the worry jar. When all your worries are gone, you can use it for jam..

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Posted: 30th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Justin Bieber And Busta Rhymes Kill Christmas: Little Drummer Boy Must Die

HOW dead do you think Christmas can be? If you’re thinking that it’s already a bloated corpse, thanks to over-commercialisation and the like, you have to admit that it’s still pretty cool because at least you get a decent feed and some free stuff just for being alive on the day itself.

However, you’ll probably want to end your life in case there’s a slender chance that someone buys you the Justin Bieber Christmas LP.

And, aside from the obvious, what’s so bad about that?

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Posted: 28th, October 2011 | In: Music | Comment


Hampshire Lapland Con: Defiant Parent Say Santa Is Real And Reindeer Can Fly

BIG news from Hampshire is that brothers Victor and Henry Mears have been convicted of misleading thousands of customers into visiting a what they claimed was a Lapland-style theme park.

Yep, they misled customers looking to, er, meet Santa, ride in his magic sleigh, pat the hands of little elves that make your toys for free and pet the flying reindeer.

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Posted: 18th, February 2011 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment