Posts Tagged ‘christmas’
God Versus Santa: Fight
WHAT’S the difference between God and Santa?
Atheists ask the question.
But to Old Mr Anorak’s mind the answer seems to be based on which of Santa and God can punish you more if you don’t believe:
Santa won’t give you a new scarf; God will send you to Hell for all eterntity.
On the other hand, if you really believe, Santa will bring you a diamond G-string worn by someone who should and God will bring you years of worry and self-loathing…
Choices…
Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Photojournalism, Strange But True | Comments (9)
How Simon Cowell killed Christmas
There are many reasons to hate The X Factor, many of which are well-known. Like Louis Walsh, the theme weeks, the made-up arguments between the judges to court press attention, the collusion of the press in the made-up arguments between the judges to court press attention, Louis Walsh, everyone banging on about it being “their dream”, the schmaltzy song selections, the baffling popularity of hobbits (see Ray Quinn, Eoghan Quigg), Louis Walsh, the absurdly portentous contestant intros…
*deep breath*
Like the way every single comment that comes out of Simon Cowell’s mouth is seemingly meant to make viewers vote (and thus pour money into his bank account), providing paid employment for Dannii Minogue, the insistence on cutting all songs down while also inserting a Westlife-style chord change moment, the relentless fucking crying, the way they cruelly dumped Poor Kate Thornton…
(Actually, that’s a plus point. But it’s the only one)
You get the picture. Oh, and did I mention Louis Walsh? But there are two reasons to especially loathe this series of The X Factor, and they’re both festive. Well, sort of.
The first is the choice of single for this year’s winner. They’re doing Hallelujah – essentially a cover of the Jeff Buckley version.
Now, I’m no indie zealot, but I sometimes wish the music industry could nick an idea from the NFL – the American Football people. Teams there retire certain squad numbers when a legendary player retires – they retire the jersey.
Songs should get the same treatment – they should be retired when someone’s recorded the definitive version, if only so Simon Cowell can’t slap a string section, gospel choir and chord change onto them ever. Hallelujah would be a stone-cold candidate for being retired after Buckley’s version – with some kind of bye for Leonard Cohen, obviously.
Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah makes people cry. The X Factor winner’s version will make the same people cry more, I predict.
But the second reason to loathe The X Factor is the way it’s killed Christmas. By which I mean destroyed the traditional fun and frolics around which song will be Christmas Number One here in the UK.
It used to be a huge deal, no matter how little a shit you gave about the charts for the other 51 weeks of the year. Okay, so you might have pretended you were more excited about John Peel’s Festive 50, but that didn’t stop you being in front of the box on Christmas Day to see who’d taken top slot. Even when it was Cliff.
The X Factor has destroyed that. Killed it stone dead. Every year, the X Factor winner is the de facto Christmas Number One. The bookmakers come up with odds on other songs, but there’s really no contest. A magical moment in music has been thoroughly stomped under Simon Cowell’s jackboot. Or whatever he wears that goes with those trousers.
The X Factor has killed Christmas.
There’s a way it can make amends, of course. Next year, shift the final to Christmas Day, and have the winner’s single go on sale the next day. It’ll still sell a shitload of copies, but the Christmas Number One will be open to all again.
They won’t do it, though. They’ll probably have the winner cover Radiohead’s Street Spirit, just to rub it in. Then we’ll be really angry…
Originally published at our sister site popjunkietv.com
Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Men Exchange Same Christmas Card For A Lifetime
RAYMOND Pearson and Steve Ford have been exchanging the same Christmas card for 33 years, writes the Mail.
Of course, this means that every year one of them misses out on a card. But they are not bitter.
Each despatch includes a new message: “Over to you in ‘92”, “Saving in Mine in ’79.”
The men met while working at a sorting office in Dudley. And – irony of ironies – they deliver their card by hand, preferring not to trust postal workers.
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Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Strange But True | Comment (1)
Christmas Lights Offend Non-Christians, Not
SAYS the Tabloid Telegraph: “Woman told to remove Christmas lights to avoid offending non-Christian neighbours – A woman was told to remove her Christmas lights by a housing association worker in case they offended non-Christian neighbours.”
Those non-Christians. Grrrr! Only:
Turns out that the council doesn’t mind, the non-Christian neighbours are all in favour of them and the only person who was even vaguely worried about them was the housing association worker.
Of course, it’s the Al Goreans who don’t like the lights…
Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
Parents Snap Up Crap Presents At Woolworths Sale
THANKS to the cruncher of Woolworths, millions of kiddies will be getting crappy presents this year.
Says one shopper:
“I hadn’t been in Woollies for years. But now I know it to be full of the kind of crap you give people you don’t like all that much.”
Indeed, many teacher this year will not be getting a bottle of alcopops and a Terry’s chocolate orange, but a tin of Fox’s biscuits, a water pistol that fires jets as far as three inches and a DVD of Len Goodman’s ‘Dance To Cliff’…
“Everything must Go-Go-Go,” says Santa…
Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Money | Comments (3)
The Expandable Christmas Stocking
CREDIT Crunch watch: The expandable Chritmas stocking for all your present needs:
Children will get HALF as much in their stockings this Christmas – as the credit crunch bites
But on the bright side, Anorak spots the expandable Christmas stocking.
Fill ‘er up, Santa…
Posted: 12th, December 2008 | In: Money, Photojournalism | Comments (3)
Dear Anjem, All We Want For Christmas Is Omar Barki
ANJEM Choudary tries and tries and – boy – how he tries. But he’s no Omar Bakri.
Granted, he has the glasses and the he has the beard, but both are too neat, too tidy, too contrived.
“MAD MULLAH RANTS: BAN EVIL XMAS,” screams the Star’s front-page headline. The “pathway to hellfire” is lined with tinsel and covered in shards of Christmas tree leaves.
Christmas is evil, says the mad mullah. And a million housewives agree.
If Christmas is evil “Why does he have a beard like Santa?” asks the Star. Few would care to get close enough to Choudary to sit on his knee and give that beard a hearty tug. Would it come away in the hand revealing the shy feminine-skinned man beneath?
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Posted: 10th, December 2008 | In: Reviews | Comments (2)
The Best Dorset Lapland Top 10 Christmas Album Ever
“ANGRY people just kept shouting,” says Elf No.1, an escapee from Dorset’s trashed version of Lapland. “It was really doing my health in.”
Anorak is listening, and for small charitable donation will represent Elf No.1 and eLf No.2 before Mr E. Bunny at the Fairyland court of arbitration.
But hey, kids, it’s Christmas. Sing. Sing. Sing!!!
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Posted: 4th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)
Yule Log ScreenSaver
NOVELTY yule log screensaver
Posted: 3rd, December 2008 | In: Technology | Comment (1)
Slapland: Dorset Santa Attacked In Great War On Christmas
TO the Lapland New Forest in Dorset, where the little alcopop munchers are dandling on Santa’s arthritic a knee:
Santa: “So – ho-ho – what d’yer want for Christmas/XMas/Diwali/Eid/Winter solsctice/ Chanukah Christmas/ Bhodi/Present Day (delete as applicable), little girl?”
Armani Alcopop: “You f*** you callin’ a ho, muvverf****r? Give me the lot or I’ll tell me mum you touched me and you listen to Gary Glitter records. Paedo!”
Too late. As the Sun screams from its front page: “Santa and three elves beaten up in Lapland.”
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Posted: 3rd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (6)
Letters To Santa
As agreed with the contract we made last year, you deliver and I’ll be good – here is the bargaining rate for this Xmas…
Posted: 2nd, December 2008 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
Elves Bells: Illegal Immigrants Hide In Christmas Tree
IS Santa Clause an illegal immigrant with no right to work in the UK? And what of his elves?
News reaches Anorak of four stowaways discovered in the back of a lorry carrying an artificial Christmas tree to Northampton. The 32ft aluminium and nylon tree was to be erected in the town centre.
Two elves from Iraq and two from Iran have been arrested and handed to the UK Border Agency for safe keeping.
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The Original Christmas Cross For A Whiter Jesus
ARE you looking for “an effective way to express your Christian faith this Christmas season to honor our Lord Jesus?”
You are. Happy say!
“Now you can…. with the ‘Original Christmas Cross’ yard decoration”, brogught to you by the American Family Association
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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (2)
Christmas Day Lights: Climate Kops Wonder At Lights
IT’S just 71 days to go to Christmas and the tabloids finally have their first Christmas lights story.
Anorak’s man at the Mirror says:
“Things were getting proper dicey. We had an Our Maddie story on standby, a feature on what Our Diana would have done to help should she ever deign to emerge from her department in Harvey Nichols, and there was the story of how Our Gordon Brown is to duet with Howard on the Halifax ads, so we were covered for a few weeks.
“But still, squeaky bum time.”
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Posted: 15th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Nigel Lawson’s Law: All Fat Peopel Want To Look Rich
NIGELLA Lawson would like to tell Mail readers about her husband Charles Saatchi’s “nine eggs a day diet.”
In an exclusive interview with The Mail on Sunday’s You magazine today, 48-year-old Ms Lawson says her husband’s ‘completely mad eggs, eggs and more eggs diet’ now means that he is thinner than her.
Anorak recalls how former chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson, the masculine singular root of Nigella, also lost a shed load of weight.
It seems odd that the two males most associated with Nigella both now resemble the Christmas turkey that got away.
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Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Anal Registration For Softball Team
ED Barrett writes that this Christmas we should,stop selling glitter to kids, as it sends out the wrong signal…
Spotter: T.C.
Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Photojournalism | Comments (11)
British College Bans Easter And Christmas
CHRISTMAS is… banned. Easter… The bunny is dead. Sarah Palin got it.
BOSSES at Yorkshire Coast College have removed the words Christmas and Easter from their calendar so as not to cause offence to ethnic minorities or religious groups.
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Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (17)
