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This Week In Closer: Kerry Katona’s Lap Dancer, Carol McGriffin Is Not “Slut” Katie Price And Brian Zembic’s Jordans

closerTHIS week in Closer Magazine – Kerry Katona takes back “cheating’ Mark Croft, Jordan’s kids thinks she’s a “slut”, Carol McGriffin talks about not talking about her marriage and a man with fake breast looks for love…

Lisa Burrow, editor of Closer magazine, brings news of Kerry Katona:

“Kerry Katona’s life has, predictably, taken another turn for the worse. While on a recent make-or-break holiday to Magaluf with husband Mark she stayed in the hotel room while he went out groping and propositioning lap dancers.”

Make or break? Vote now!

Inside, Closer readers get news from Kerry’s mum Sue, who has seen pictures of Mark “climbing on top of lap dancer Claire Basset and trying to take her clothes off”. Says Sue:

“I’m worried sick about Kerry now she’s taken him back. Mark’s destroyed her self-esteem… What does he have to do to make her realise what a bastard he is?”

This might be rhetorical question, but if it’s not than Anorak suggests that Croft shag a lap dancer over the family kitchen table and spill the milk from Kerry’s breakfast cereal in her slippers.

There then follows an exchange between Sue and Kerry:

Sue: “Have you seen it – the story about Mark trying to shag the lap dancers?”
Kerry: “He’s been stitched up.”
Sue: “For God’s sake, he’s been filmed trying to shag her, what more do you need to see?”

Again the question is rhetorical. And readers are invited to submit their own answer, perhaps with pictures and drawings, and send them to Kerry Katona competition, c/o Groser magazine.

Jordan’s Mum:

Amy, the Jordan Mother, has a question for her daughter Katie Price:

“Do you want the kids growing up thinking you’re a slut?”

To your keypads, Katie. What says you, kidzzzz?

Loose Older Woman

Carol McGriffin, a dead ringer for Rodney Plonker in Only Fools And Horses tells us:

“I won’t flog my marriage like Jordan did.”

And thus we are denied the chance of seeing McGriffin dry humping 23-years-younger lover Mark Hutton and getting matching anal bleaching.

“I don’t want to flog every detail of my marriage like Jordan and Pete,” says Carol. “I want to keep everything to myself.”

So she tells Closer magazine. Is no comment still a comment?

Oksana Koslova’s Designer Vagina

Oksana had sugery six times to restore her “virginity” to please her husband. She nearly died.

“I’d realised I’d become addicted to it. I’m lucky to be alive. From now on I’ll have to get something more conventional for his birthday.”

Like a virgin in a cake and bottle of ketchup.

Brian Zembic is Jordan’s No.1 Fan

Zembic is the man with fake breasts.

Brian had his implants implanted to win a bet. He then bet a plastic surgeon to win the surgery for free. He now has a C-cup breast, far smaller than many men but enough to seduce “dozens of women”, including a “heavy-drinking contortionist from Monte Carlo and a money-obsessed manic depressive.

Says he:

“Once the novelty of my boobs has worn off, women usually want me to have them removed. But they’re still earning me money.”

Katie Price is single…

Posted: 11th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)