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Posts Tagged ‘Coleen Nolan’

Dear Coleen: Wayne Rooney tips and where you can find Laura Simpson

laura simpson


Everton’s former Manchester United and England footballer Wayne Rooney only had a “kiss and a cuddle” with Laura Simpson, 29, whose car he was driving when police nicked him for drink driving. All the tabloids wonder what this means for his marriage to Coleen Rooney. The Mirror says she’s fearful for the couple’s three children, “worried about playground taunts” because kids can be cruel.

Coleen, we learn, is also worried about media intrusion. Which is presumably why she, as the Sun reports, uploaded photos of her boys on Instagram and wrote: “No matter where I am they always follow me, and I hope that last forever.” No, not a coded message to the paparazzi, marketeers and celebrity magazines. That was a “heavy hint that she would keep the kids with her if Wayne and she split”.


laura simpson


By now you’re itching to know more about pneumatic Laura Simpson, who “boasts” (Mirror) of having 32E breasts, which Wayne “ogled”, hair extensions, false eyelashes, Botox and lip enhancers. Unlike Wayne, she does not smoke and have a spouse, but she does have a child.

The Sun then pinpoints the single mother struggling to make a living, helping anyone who wants to bounce into and off of Laura find her. We learn that she works at a lettings agency (wages: £38,000 a year); once went on two trips to Dubai in one month; is “cash-strapped”; and lives in a “terraced house in Irlam, Greater Manchester”. If you can’t find her there, maybe you can reach her on the sugar daddy website, where the Sun says she functions under the name “Lolaura”.


laura simpson


As journalists and pornographers stampede to Laura’s door, the kindness of strangers kicks in. In “Dear Coleen”, Coleen Nolan, writes an open letter to her namesake. “Oh love, my heart ached for you yesterday,” says Coleen, to say nothing of her mouth and she dictated 300 words of to-deadline advice. “Back from holiday, piles of washing to sort, school uniforms to get ready,” says Nolan, proving she has the inside track on the life of a woman who counts her millions by the dozen. “Whenever anyone askw me for advice,” says Nolan, “my first tip is…” Call my agent? “…never, ever, make life-changing decisions when emotions are high.” Coleen’s life is far from over because as Nolan reminds her, she too has been cheated on by a wayward and well-known husband, and had her private life scrutinised in the national press. She moved on, forging a new life as the Woman Whose Famous Husband Cheated On Her And Had Her Life Scrutinised In The Press in the Mirror and on TV’s Loose Women. Hang in there, Coleen. There’s a multifaceted career in this, maybe.

More advice for Coleen in the Mail, where Bel Mooney has “inimitable advice” for the Rooney. “Dear Coleen,” begins the heartfelt advice once more, it being a well-established fact that Coleen is a dear and likes to surround herself with dear things, some very dear, some very, very dear. “Bloody men, eh,” says Bel. “At it again!” As with Nolan, Mooney presents herself as Coleen’s kindred spirit. Coleen was born in Liverpool and so too was Mooney. Wayne was boozing with Laura in Alderley Edge’s Bubble Room.”My best friend lives in Alderly Edge,” says Money, “and I’ve been to  those upmarket joints, Piccolino’s and  the Bubble Room”.

“Good luck, Bel,” says Mooney, which sounds a bit like Rooney, and a bit self-obsessed.

Good luck, Coleen!


Gina McCarrick

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In a Sunday Mirror exclusive, 37-year-old brunette Gina McCarrick, dressed in her favoured cowgirl outfit, said: 'Wayne didn't turn me on at all. He was ugly. He had a face like a smacked arse.' Rooney later confessed to having visted the den around 10 times.

Posted: 4th, September 2017 | In: Key Posts, News, Sports, Tabloids | Comment

That video of Jimmy Savile ‘all over’ 14-year-old Coleen Nolan

COLEEN Nolan, youngest of the Nolan Sisters, says that when she was 14, Tops of The Pops host Jimmy Savile was “all over me”.

Forward to 3 minutes 20 for the testimony:

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Posted: 1st, October 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (10)

Using Katie Price And Sick Children To Advertise The Bounty Mum Of The Year

4482240BOUNTY, purveyors of the baby hamper given to news mums as an inducement to them buying branded products, have shortlisted Katie Price for their Celebrity Mum Of The Year award.

There is also a Real Mum of the Year 2009, which serves to imply there is something unreal, or fake, about Katie Price and her celebrity mummies.

2007 title holder Katie is going mum-a-mum against these others, who are in no partial order:

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Posted: 21st, October 2009 | In: The Consumer | Comments (10)

Coleen Nolan Sex Tape

THE Daily Mirror brings front-page news of Coleen Nolan and the question that has burnt like a Swiss cheese maker’s cystitis:

“COLEEN – At last: truth about feud with my sisters”

With that long-awaited story now closed, the Daily Mirror can turn to other burning issues that remain open like festering sores ion the buttocks of the news’s body:

NOOKIE – At last: Nookie Bear: ‘Why I never got on with Orville’

EDDIE – Finally: Edward Windsor tells us his secrets of choosing a top bedroom sofa

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Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Celebrity Swine Flu With Coleen Nolan

swine-flu-loose-womenIN today’s edition of celebrity swine flu, a proud Coleen Nolan explains via the Daily Mirror’s front page:

Coleen: My Boy’s Got Swine Flu

In an article entitled “Coleen’s Fear” (surely “Colene’s pride”? – ed), a beaming Coleen tells us:

“It was terrifying and I’ve been desperately worried about him. I can’t help thinking about the terrible ways in which the disease can develop. I’ve spent ages reading about swine flu on the internet and they say people with asthma are particularly susceptible….Teenage boys are apparently also most at risk, so it’s been a terrible worry.”

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Posted: 10th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Katie Price And Me: The Other Women Tell All

katie-priceWANT to know what Ulrika Jonsson thinks of Katie Price and Peter Andre – “the split that ROCKED showbiz”?

THE other story in the Katie Price – Peter Andre split is Katie & Me – a narrative featuring any number of jobbing celebrities applying to give their views on the big story.

First up is Katie’s “former love rival” Mel B, aka Scary Spice.

The ex-Spice Girl – who dated Peter 12 years ago – urged the singer not to throw his marriage away, saying: “Please take Katie back.”

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Posted: 21st, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)