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Posts Tagged ‘cricket’

Test Match Special Discusses Kevin Pietersen Pulling On A Rubber: Audio

ON BBC radio’s Test Match Special the talk has moved on from Brian Johnston’s cakes to rubbers. Jonathan Agnew is ruminating on the subject of Kevin Pietersen’s grip.

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Posted: 8th, June 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


England Thrash Sri Lanka In Cardiff Test

YESTERDAY, England thrashed Sri Lanka. England skittled out the tourists in 24.4 overs for 82 runs. Did you see it..?

 

 

 

Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Sports | Comment


England’s Libyan Snow Falcons Win Cricket World Cup

ENGLAND wins! Libya wins! We win!!! England’s ‘Libyan Snow Falcons cricket team have won the Ice Cricket World Championships in Estonia.

And the even more amazing news is that the game is played with a tennis ball. Yes! England wins at tennis!!!!

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Posted: 17th, March 2011 | In: Sports | Comment


Irish Cricket Doctors Cure England Fans Of Australian Delusions

IRELAND have beaten England in the Cricket World Cup. After the coin toss – which England lent to the Irish captain at a pretty favourable rate – Ireland handed a lump of wood to a passing tourist, later revealed to be one Kevin O’Brien, and told him to hit the small, hard football. He could work out the rules of the game later. Just hit it and see if he can pick it up.

O’Brien went on to score the fastest century in Cricket World Cup history, smashing smashed 113 off 63 balls.

England fans still suffering from psychotic episodes developed by sleep depravation in which it appeared the English beat Australia in a Test while Andrew Strauss abseiled to Mars on Leo Sayer’s curls, wept with relief as they were declared “cured”.

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Posted: 2nd, March 2011 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1)


England Tie With India After Dutch Agree To Learn Rules As They Go Along

THE 2011 ICC Cricket World Cup – England v India at the Chinnaswamy Stadium ended in a draw. Cricket, you may supposes is a mixture of amiable buffoonery, manners and insomnia. But England players no longer move like laden hostess trolleys and try to field without the use of thumbs. England have computers, muscles and actually spend time between playing practicing and not reading John Grisham thrillers.

Sure, they just beat Holland, who gamely opted to learn the rules during an actual game, but in tying with India, where the sport is a big deal, England did well.

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Posted: 27th, February 2011 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


Cricket World Cup: ‘Passing Showers’ Flood Nagpur

CRICKET World Cup 2011 Photos: The Times of India reports: “Passing showers in Nagpur ahead of World Cup match”…

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A man makes cricket bats next to the road in Nagpur city centre, India.

Posted: 21st, February 2011 | In: Sports | Comment


Michael Vaughan Twitters That There Are No English In London

ENGLAND’S former cricket captain Michael Vaughan goes to Twitter an says London is full of foreigners.

“Not many English people live in London.. I need to learn a new language…”

Vaughan describes himself as a “Manchester born Sheffield lad“.

Soho house hotel is a lovely spot…still struggling with languages though…jemima makes more sense than most down here..

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Posted: 15th, October 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (2)


Pakistan Fight With England At Lord’s Upstaged By Greatest Catch Ever: Video

PAKISTAN and England “brawl” at Lord’s one-day cricket match screams the Sun. The action on the pitch ends with a Pakistan victory. Off the pitch, the talk is of a spat between Jonathan Trott (England) and Wahab Riaz (Pakistan).

There is talk of Trott grabbing Riaz’s throat and four-letter abuse. Trott is said to have asked of Riaz:

“How much money are you going to make from the bookies?”

Riaz, not the swiftest thinker, fails to respond:

“Why? What you getting?”

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Posted: 21st, September 2010 | In: Sports | Comment


Who Cares If Pakistan And England Cheat At Cricket So Long As We Get Served At The Bar?

PAKISTAN cheat at cricket, allegedly, – and it is the biggest sports scandal ever! But – what’s this? – Pakistan say England cheat at cricket, which makes it the biggest sports scandal ever*. Things more fast in cricket.

(* Unless a footballer shags a prostitute, in which it’s demoted.)

The England team says the accusations from the Pakistan Cricket Board chairman are “wholly irresponsible” and “defamatory“.

Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) chairman Mr Ijaz Butt (serious name for a serious man) tells people in his homeland tuning in to watch the cricket news on the telly:

“There is loud and clear talk in bookie circles that some English players have taken enormous amounts of money to lose the match [the third ODI]. No wonder there was such a collapse.”

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Posted: 20th, September 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (7)


Gamblers Win Big As Aamer, Asif And Butt Leave UK (Photos)

HATS off to any gamblers who put their money on Mohammad Aamer (aka Mohammed Amir), Mohammad Asif and Salman Butt leaving the UK today. The correct order of departure was Aamer, Butt, Asif. So hard cheese on your sad pillocks with ‘MUG’ written on your foreheads (surely seasoned form followers? – ed) who put your money on the much-fancied Butt, Aamer, Asif line.

As our photos show, the lads looked so sad to be leaving the cold of the UK to return to their native Pakistan, where a huge magic carpet awaits for all the ills to be swept under…

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Mohammad Aamer (left), Mohammad Asif and Salman Butt (centre) at Heathrow Airport, London.

Posted: 10th, September 2010 | In: Sports | Comment


Pakistan Players Learn That In England Cricket Is A Minority Sport (Photos)

THE Pakistan cricket scandal is not really all that big of a deal because: a) cricket is a minority sport; b) anyone who bets on the next ball being a foul or not deserves all they get; c) for cricket watchers the sport is often little more than a distraction from the contents of the daily newspaper and what your wife packed in the cold bag.

Should Pakistan’s Butt, Asia and Amir go free and the matter of alleged betting fixes swept under the rug, there will a few opinion pieces, a bit of tutting and then everyone will get on with the match.

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Posted: 4th, September 2010 | In: Sports | Comment


Pakistan Cricketers Butt, Asif And Amir Arrive In London

PAKISTAN’S Mohammad Amir, Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif arrived at the Pakistan High Commission in London today.

Team manager Yawar Saeed said the three will not play against England in one-day matches: “I decided to leave them out. They’ve not been suspended.”

Meanwhile, at the Pakistani London HQ, rumours of diplomatic upset that the country’s Treasury was not in the alleged scam are thought to be wide of the mark. Very wide.

Says one source:

Anyone want to bet we won’t find Osama bin Laden by Christmas and that he’ll be wearing the Arsenal home kit, beige chinos and petting a monkey called Gary? No chance, right. It’s easy money. Come, on… Place your bets!”

Posted: 2nd, September 2010 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


Pakistan Cricket Scandal’s Ex Factor As Sexy Veena Malik Testifies Against Asif

WITH a bright light shone on cricket amid allegations that members of the Pakistan team cheated and tricked idiots stupid enough to gamble on the toss of ball, we meet Veena Malik actress and former lover to Mohammad Asif, who tells us:

“When Pakistan started losing in Australia, I jokingly said, ‘For God’s sake, win a match.’ To this he replied, ‘We won’t win anything until 2010.’”

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Posted: 31st, August 2010 | In: Sports | Comment


Pakistan Are Not Cricket Cheats Just Victims Of Racism (Photos And Video)

PAKISTAN are not cricket’s cheats – they are victims of racism. Before Imran Khan’s views on the matter – and you may care to recall Hansie Cronje, the SAMAA reports (via Tim Blair):

Pakistan Cricket’s Match-Fixing Scandal Is A Good Story With Few Facts

Image: Mohammad Amir’s impressive no-ball.

Australia’s extraordinary victory in the Second Test in Sydney earlier this year was rigged as cricket insiders admit Pakistan intentionally lost the match.

Thousands of cricket fans watched Australia dramatically come from behind to win the January match held at the SCG.

But an undercover investigation today revealed the Pakistan team made AUS$1.4million from rigging the result.

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Posted: 29th, August 2010 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


Pakistan Cricket’s Match-Fixing Scandal Is A Good Story With Few Facts

MAZHAR Majeed is accused off offering cricketers playing with the Pakistan national money to alter the course of their match against England at Lord’s.

Mr Majeed has been arrested on suspicion of conspiracy to defraud bookmakers, says Sky News.

Mr Majeed is said to be the owner of non-league Croydon Athletic FC and allegedly uses the club to “launder his illicit gains”. Readers are presented with no evidence of this.

THE News of the World, which breaks this news, says Majeed and his associates “RIGGED the current Lord’s Test between England and Pakistan”.

That match is not over. Pakistan were skittled out for 74 in the first innings. England are on course for victory. Reading on we learn:

The NoTW bowlers Mohammad Amir and Mohammad Asif delivered THREE blatant no-balls to order.

They rigged the entire match with three no-balls? This seems unlikely. It’s a good story, but undone by reporters’ Mazher Mahmood & Amanda Evans’ hype, as they then call the allegation “the most sensational sporting scandal ever”.

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Posted: 29th, August 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (5)


Cricket Fans Fail To Catch Falling Meteor At Sussex

THAT cricket ball flying through the air at the Sussex v Middlesex rubber is a 4.5 billion-year-old meteor. Says fan Richard Haynes:

“We were quietly supping our pints, both looked up at the same time and saw a black object coming towards us.”

A waiter? Catch it!!

But no waiter. And no catch. The five inch meteor hits the turf. Says one Jan Marszel Marzel:

It landed five yards inside the boundary and split into two pieces. One piece bounced up and hit me in the chest and the other ended up against the boundary board. It came across at quite a speed – if it had hit me full on it could have been very interesting.”

Better had you caught it and then tossed it smartly back at the stumps.

Posted: 25th, July 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comment (1)


England V Australia Cricket In Great Photos: We Win Again

WHILE you were watching England winless wonders at the world cup, England’s cricket team were thrashing the Australians. At the First one-day international at the Rose Bowl: England 268-6 (46 ovs) beat Australia 267-7 (50 ovs) by four wickets. England’s winning show featured a magnificent unbeaten century from Eoin Morgan. It’s brewing up to a rich summer of sport. Although not for Australia – shame, eh…

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England's Luke Wright avoids a bouncer

Posted: 23rd, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comment


Australia Cricket Wins World Bukkake Championships: England Settle For Twenty:20 Series

ENGLAND cricketers end 35 years of hurt by taking the huge cardboard cheque in the Twenty:20 and the Australians – the losers – react with typical good grace. Reader Yampster is looking Down Under:

Following the humiliating defeat of Australia in the final of the World Twenty/20 series, the Sydney Morning Herald chooses to lead with an Australian win in the Ladies Team Bukkake championships.

Ashes to splashes!

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**EMBARGOED UNTIL 1400 BST, MONDAY MAY 17th 2010** England captain Paul Collingwood (right) and Kevin Pietersen pose with the ICC World Twenty20 Trophy at the team hotel, Bridgetown, Barbados.

Posted: 18th, May 2010 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


In Pictures: England Win The World Cup And A Big Cardboard Cheque

ENGLAND’S cricketers have ended the 35-years of hurt for a one-day World Cup victory. Granted this one was for the Twenty20 over game, where the cardboard cheque is bigger than the cup and the anthems outlast the innings. But a win is a win. Look out for the open-topped bus ride through London, the sticker collection, the official flags to stick on your white vans and winning team duvet cover. In all, it was a glorious seven-wicket defeat of Australia. And that can be no bad thing. Here is the pick of the photos:

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**EMBARGOED UNTIL 1400 BST, MONDAY MAY 17th 2010** England captain Paul Collingwood (right) and Kevin Pietersen pose with the ICC World Twenty20 Trophy at the team hotel, Bridgetown, Barbados.

Posted: 17th, May 2010 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


England To Play China At Cricket, Live Grenades Ready

LISTEN up, cowboy. In today’s National Service Training Video we tell you how to toss a grenade. You toss a grenade..? Yes, you, madam, in the England whites and hooked hands. Yes, that’s right, you toss a grenade “far”.

In this video a Chinese soldiers tosses his grenade into the bunker wall. Problem is that he’s stood in the bunker.

Expect more such film in the coming months as China the world that it’s not all police brutality and weird growths and disgusting X-Rays:

Posted: 1st, April 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Cricket In Pictures: England Thrashed In South Africa As Onions Fails

AND so it was that England’s tail end were unable to see of the 96 plus overs to force a draw and take the series in South Africa. Graham Onions failed. Granted he wasn’t playing, but he failed to inspire, and that is more vital. England lost the fourth Test at Wanderers Stadium, Johannesburg, by an innings and 74 runs, allowing South Africa to draw the series 1-1. Andrew Straus, England captain was unable to understand the cricket so talked in terms of pool, a less minority sport: “In three out of the four test matches, we were very much behind the eight-ball at the halfway point, and if you keep getting yourself in that position, eventually you’re going to lose.” Or get slam dunked in the hole:

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South Africa's Dale Steyn dismisses England captain Andrew Strauss during the fourth test at Wanderers Stadium, Johannesburg.

Posted: 17th, January 2010 | In: Sports | Comment


Picture Perfect England Beat Australia

NO Photoshop – A view of England playing Australia during the seventh NatWest Series One Day International at the Riverside, Durham.

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Posted: 20th, September 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


The Greatest Picture Caption Ever

THE Press Association delivers the Greatest Picture caption ever (Anorak captions will return once we’ve sorted the software ishooos).

See the picture… Then read the caption at the end:

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Posted: 14th, August 2009 | In: Reviews | Comment


Cricketer Takes On Tiger In Cage Fight

7705515TO the six-a-side caged cricket match at Broadgate Circle, Liverpool Street, London where members of the public compete to win tickets to the final Test at The Brit Oval.

Already reduced to Twnty20 form, cricket is moving on again and is now an extreme sport. Attention spans are so limited that the game moves with then. Cricket should be fast and bloody, with baseball caps, sunglsees modelled on Top Gun night sights, stumps lit in the manner of Roman torches and at least one fielding pet in each team.

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Posted: 14th, August 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Jonathan Trott Catches Ed Joyce In His Trousers

SUSSEX batsman Ed Joyce is caught out at short leg by Jonathan Trott’s trouser pocket:

Posted: 16th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comment