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Demi Moore’s man can hold his breath and has a pearl in his dick

will hanigan pearl

DEMI Moore is a name that smack of contradictions. Nominative determinism views Demi Moore as an Anglo-French woman who asks for half but wants more. Her new lover is called Will Hanigan. And, yes, he is, as his name suggests, all about his penis, which in keeping with his job as a pearl diver features a single pearl embedded in the shaft *.

The NYDN reports on the man Demi met on a yoga course:

He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens. It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”

It might also give the ladies an extra reason to squeeze real hard and hang on. But, then Willy is au fait with prizing open oysters and holding his breath. Sheesh. The sex is going to be great. Unless another pearl diver spots the glint in Willy’s trunks and whips out his own harpoon.




Posted: 22nd, May 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi Moore, reeling from the break-up with Ashton Kutcher, spotted with younger man (well duh)

WITH Ashton Kutcher (astonishingly) rumoured to be getting off with Mila Kunis, Demi Moore has apparently been left devastated. And so, there’s only one thing she can feasibly do – and that’s to get off with a young gentlemen, purely out of spite.

Of course, Demi Moore – Hollywood’s Mumm-Ra – will always end up with a younger man, provided she doesn’t shag Count Dracula. And with the Dark Prince, she seemingly shares a fondness for young blood. If she carries on like this, then don’t be surprised to see a televised special where she eats babies while grinding on Justin Bieber.

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Posted: 30th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ashton Kutcher: The swordsman of beautiful women, despite being thoroughly repugnant

HOLLYWOOD women clearly have no taste in men. No-one underlines this more than Ashton Kutcher, who has unfathomably had his member in the close proximity of a number of beautiful, coveted women. Not only that, they end up falling in love with him, showing that it isn’t just a matter of enjoying a ride with a celebrity with a face like a knee.

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Posted: 24th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Is Ashton Kutcher a massive racist?

CLEARLY it wasn’t enough for Ashton Kutcher to break the withered heart of Demi Moore by throwing his wang up a young woman on the night of his wedding anniversary. It obviously wasn’t enough for him to mistakenly defend an American football coach who had helped cover up a load of sexual abuse to young men.

Now he wants to be thought of as a bit racist.

Why? Well, he’s starred in an online ad for some crisps which was pulled offline on the day it was released after viewers complained it was racist.

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Posted: 3rd, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Rumer Willis now denying that Demi Moore is ‘fine’

SHE’S looked like a woman on the ropes for a while, so it wasn’t exactly a surprise when Demi Moore was taken to hospital. Everyone assumed it was a mixture of stress (in the exact same shape as Ashton Kutcher) and drugs (probably fancy celebrity drugs like cocaine and ground up griffin bones), but no-one ever suspected she’d be whisked off to A&E after taking laughing gas.

There was brief good news when Rumer Willis said that Demi was “on the road to recovery”. However, now, Rumer has denied ever making the comment.

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Posted: 16th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi Moore and the heroin spoon

DEMI Moore may have read the story of Elinor Zuke, who attempted to buy a packet of teaspoons at the self-service checkout at Sainsbury’s, West Green, Crawley, West Sussex.

A shop worker told Zuke, who happens to work for The Grocer magazine, that to buy the spoons she would need to present photo identification.

Why? Well: “It was because of the risk they could be used for drugs — heroin users ‘cook up’ the drug in teaspoons.”

A photo id would ensure that the spoons would not be used to cook up smack. (Note: ensure photo id not covered in baking powder or sherbet dibdab).


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Posted: 3rd, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Authorities to release jolly 911 recording of Demi Moore

DESPITE  the fact it goes without saying, that Demi Moore was in a state of high distress when she called for the emergency services to come take her to hospital, that simply isn’t enough.

We want to know exactly how distressed she was. We need to hear a famous woman worried that she’s going to die, right?

And so, thankfully, the authorities are set to release a 911 call made from Demi Moore’s home earlier this week. We get to hear the panic brought on by seizures, alleged drug abuse and potential anorexia. It’s just the kind of thing we all need to pull us out of this post-Christmas slump.

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Posted: 27th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (13)

Demi Moore comforted by West Ham manager Sam Allardyce

CAN it be that Demi Moore, wronged by shagging husband Ashton Kutcher, has been seeking comfort in the arms of West Ham United manager ‘Big’ Sam Allardyce?

The Sun says  it’s true. And the Sun is never wrong…maybe…



Posted: 26th, January 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

Demi Moore goes to hospital to find cure for ‘exhaustion’ (or, if you prefer, ‘substance abuse’)

SINCE Demi Moore got with Ashton Kutcher, her life has been pretty rubbish. She’s leaked her boobs on Twitter and become increasingly thin while Kutch gallivanted around inside young women while Moore wasn’t looking. And so, she got herself a divorce and went to hospital.

That’s right! Reports are saying that Demi checked herself into hospital suffering from ‘exhaustion’ to “seek further professional assistance“.

However, some reports are skipping straight past ‘exhaustion’ and saying that she’s actually looking for help with her substance abuse. TMZ who are the loudest shouters about all this, are saying that it’s unclear what substance(s) are allegedly being abused.

Here’s hoping it is something really out-of-fashion like aerosols or super glue!

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Posted: 25th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kutcher begs Demi to let him have Christmas dinner at hers because he can’t work an oven

CAUGHT with his pants down on his wedding anniversary, you can imagine that Ashton Kutcher wasn’t that surprised Demi Moore promptly went about divorcing his famous arse. However, a little thing like that ain’t gonna stop the Kutch!

Just weeks after filing for divorce, Demi Moore has decided to try dating again, which is perfectly reasonable.

Now she’s filed for divorce, Demi wants a bit of fun to make herself feel good again,” a pal reveals. That said, Ashton is willing to take her a step back and begged to be invited over for Christmas lunch! We assumed it was because he can’t be trusted with sharp knives and an oven full of gas, but it appears it’s a little more wholesome than that. And we know how Ashton loves a turkey (see acting career.)

“He’s told her he wants to spend Christmas with her and the girls,” says a source. “It’s 
a bit of a cheek but she’s weighing 
up what’s the right thing to do.”

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Posted: 24th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jennifer Aniston Traps Skinny Demi Moore In A Bagel

JENNIFER Aniston has “SAVED 90lb DEMI” Moore.

Not saved as in”she’ll keep…the bitch”, but saved, as in prevented from not eating and withering to nothing.

Aniston has form. In 2008, Grazia reported that Aniston had sent Courteney Cox a chef to “encourage Courtney to start eating better and more regularly”.

We were afforded an insight into the Cox-Aniston eating regime, and how they have indulged in “food mirroring”. Children under the age of seven may know this as “she’s copying me”.

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Posted: 6th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi Moore Is Back Having Baby-Making Sex With Ashton Kutcher In An OK! Exclusive

DEMI Moore is in OK!. She wants to tell us about moving “forward” with her life. To help her move forward, OK! produces a big photo of Demi fooling around with estranged husband Ashton Kutcher.

It’s an “EXCLUSIVE“. Hell. It’s a “WORLD EXCLUSIVE.”

Inside OK!, we see Demi looking younger, fresher and more radiant than in recent weeks. She tells us:

“If somebody would have said, ‘OK, here is the prediction: You’re going to meet a man 25 years old and he’s going to see being with you and having your three kids as a bonus,’ I would have said, ‘Keep dreaming,’ I think it caught us both by surprise, and particularly him.”

Yep. That’s also what she said in 2007 in an interview with Vanity Fair.

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Posted: 30th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi Moore Gets Double Wrinkly From Spending To Long In Ashton’s Hot Tub

THE National Enquirer reports that “marriage woes are making Demi Moore look old and wrinkly“. She is, thus, not hot-tub ready – the quality her estranged husband and verrucca-phobic Ashton Kutcher reportedly desires in his women – but hot-tub overdone. The NE says Moore has “double wrinkles”. Get out of the hot tub, Demi – he’s not coming home…


Posted: 22nd, November 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

@Mrs Kutcher: Demi Moore Stars In First Twitter Divorce

DEMI Moore announces her divorce from under-talented actor Ashton Kutcher.

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life. This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation

So says the press release issued by a woman whose husband tweeted a photo of her bum.

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Posted: 17th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ashton Kutcher’s Refreshingly ‘Dishonest’ Sympathetic Backstory: Stringing Demi Moore Along

ASTON Kutcher “is working so hard to court Demi, 49, that he accidentally wrote a tweet making light of sexual abuse“. Yep, it was not his lack of research, stupidity nor alleged cheating on Moore with “hot-tub ready” slappers that caused him to cheer for an alleged child abuser and Joe Paterno, a man some might call an enabler – it was his love for Demi Moore. Before that clanger Kutcher’s twitter feed was mostly famous for broadcasting a photo of his Demi Moore’s bottom.

Now the New York Post reports.

“He’s been in a bubble. He works 12-hour days, is trying to save his marriage and is involved in the management of close to a dozen Internet companies, so he didn’t really know what he had done until it was too late. He feels terrible.”

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Posted: 12th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Child Films Ghosts Having Sex In Her Lounge – Demi Moore Impressed: Video

DIANNE Carlisle’s 4-year-old daughter Kimora has filmed ghosts having sex in her Euclid, Ohio, home.

Says she:

“It look like, like ghosts having sex in my living room! They are having sex, you can see the lady’s high heeled shoes! I never seen anything like this. I mean, ghosts still have feelings? [They’re] having sex?”

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Posted: 3rd, November 2011 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Want To Pull Ashton Kutcher? Sex Him With No Protection And Talk Politics On His Wedding Anniversary

ALLEGEDLY. That’s what we need to say before this article gets under way, okay? Everything you read is alleged.

Right, now the lawyers have gone, we can get into the nitty-gritty of Ashton Kutcher’s alleged one-night-stand with the 23 year old Sara Leal.

This affair, of course, is the reason that Kutcher and Demi Moore are being linked to a divorce. But you’re probably more interested in how you might go about pulling the new star of Two And A Half Men, right?

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Posted: 12th, October 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Ashton Kutcher And Demi Moore’s Divorce: Infectious Monkey Sex In The Kabbalah Centre Hot Tub

ASHTON Kutcher’s alleged extra-marital sex with a blonde named Sara Leal – following news of alleged extra-marital sex with a brunette named Brittney Jones – has resulted in rumours that he and Demi Moore are to be divorced.The story is a big news because:

1. Kutcher is alleged to have cheated on the night of his sixth wedding anniversary.

2. Kutcher is alleged to have pulled two women at a club called Fluxx (silent ‘l”).

3. An “onlooker” at Fluxx said Kutcher and two pals cruised the place for women who were “hot-tub worthy”. We are not told any more than that and wonder what hot tub worthy means?

Is it:
a) Women who are less likely to “prune”after long exposure to hot bubbles?
b) Non-incontinent women?
c) Women with no signs of skin contagions, such as cold sores and veruccas?
d) Women with massive breasts which will bob enticingly above the waves?

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Posted: 9th, October 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Demi Moore Can See Though You

ARE Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher splitting Twitter accounts? Did he really squire another woman named Brittney Jones? We don’t know. All we know is that rather than ignoring the story and laughing it off, the couple are grandstanding their elite sense of self:

She tweets this from the Greek philosopher Epictetus:

“When we are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.”

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Posted: 29th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Charlie Sheen To Be Replaced By Ashton Kutcher To Make Two And A Half Men Most Loathesome Sitcom Ever

YOU may have thought that Two and a Half Men was pretty irritating when Charlie Sheen was in it. It was remarkable that Sheen somehow managed to become even more galling when he acrimoniously quit the show and spent his time coming up with personal memes, haranguing adult actresses, making women cry in cupboards, punching chandeliers and hoovering up suitcases of coke… and generally looking more hallowed out than the inside of a Shredded Wheat bisk.

Well, the makers of the dreadful sitcom have performed an impossible trick by finding the one man who walks this godforsaken planet who is more irritating than Sheen himself. And without the use of drugs.

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Posted: 13th, May 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Demi Moore And Ashton Kutcher Twitter Bedroom Pictures

DAVID Beckham and Her Poshness could learn from Demi Moore, the Hollywood star embroiled in an allegation that her husband Ashton Kutcher has cheated on her with a Brittney Jones.

David Beckham’s Women – Alleged

Beckham goes for the lawyers and the cash in a bid to squash Irma Nici’s unproven claims that she shagged him. Moore and Kutcher Tweet a photo of themselves celebrating their anniversary in bed.

Thank you for all the anniversary wishes!! Enjoying a day lounging around watching “Breaking Bad” Great show

Irma Nici Photos

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Posted: 27th, September 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment

In Pictures: The Killers Permiere – Holfit Golan Outlasts Aston Kutcher And Katherine Heigl

TO the premier of Killers, the Ashton Kutcher – Katherine Heigl show in which the saviour of planet earth, the punked guy who tweets pictures of Demi Moore’s arse plays a suave professional assassin. Nope. Not a comedy. Heigl is the love interest. They fall in love and marry; she is ignorant of his job; someone wants him dead. (Hofit Golan is not in it.)


Picture 1 of 14

Hofit Golan arriving for the UK Premiere of Killers, at the Odeon West End, Leicester Square, London.

The film is as good as its premier liggers, so along to the London premiere came felt-tip faced Bianca Gascoigne, Emily Themis, Katerina Themis and Sophia Port of Candy Rock (?), Katie Price impersonator Cantelle Houghton – copying Jordan must be like hitting moving target – and Blake.

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Posted: 9th, June 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

The Sexiest Twitter Pics Ever: Lindsay Lohan, Tila Tequila, Katy Perry, Coco And Moore

THE Sun says that a vote for the Labour Party is vote to end Page 3. Who needs Page 3 when you have Twitter. One-woman content factories like Tila Tequila, Lindsay Lohan and Coco can post their own pictures up and then work out the background story later. We’ve compiled the best self-promoting Twitter pics, featuring the aforesaid ladies, Adrienne Curry, Dora Baird, Jessica Simpson, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Demi Moore and many more stars of the little monitor. Enjoy – NSFW:

Posted: 6th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi Moore For Helena Rubenstein: Before And After Pictures

demi-moore-unshoppedDEMI Moore advertises Helena Rubenstein’s scent, one spray of which tuned Demi Moore from hip-fit actress to a plastic-coated model with breasts you can rest your dry roasted nuts on, hair thicker than Sasha Grey’s pelt and armpits that a UNESCO area of special scientific interest.

And Demi Moore’s breasts are all her own work – really (NSFW):

After those NSFW pictures of Madonna’s own personal Jesus – pre and post – we now see another top female star impregnated by a Photoshop laser. Do we like our stars human – or to look like something we can mould to our own desires?

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Posted: 22nd, January 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi Moore Is Hip for W Magazine: Actress Runs Circles Round Photoshop Critics

demimoorewcoverONE day one from Kate Moss saying something about eating skinny, actress Demi Moore has, apparently, had a hip removed to appear on the cover of W magazine.

Of course, Demi says she has never had any cosmetic surgery – proof here – which suggests her left hip has been airbrushed out of existence to best fit the front page.

Demi Moore is 47, rich and has had three children. Her hips are largely redundant. She now has the hips of teenage boy. Also her primary sexual characteristics are alluded to beneath the pelvic fringe of her gold Balmain leotard. Demi Moore has balls to pull this outfit on and off. Possibly.

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Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment