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Posts Tagged ‘england’

England fans unfurl racist banner at European Championships? – photo

GET a load of this banned unfurled by England fans. The lads of ‘Godfordshire’ are taking on France. No, it’s not the European Champions of football – it’s the rugby World Cup. It’s not those unenlightened Slavs you’ve been reading about in the tabloids. It’s those awesome English gals.

Garlic is not a perfume – but prejudice can stink… (More.)

Posted: 12th, June 2012 | In: Sports | Comments (6)


Jimmy Greaves plays the England Euro 2012 team anthem

THE England Squad for the Euro 2012 championships have been announced. Sadly, no Joey Barton. The chance to see Barton do what England fans want – fight the opposition and tweet about what a twat everyone else is – has been overlooked. Can England still win? Unhelpfully, Germany will be stronger than ever, having taken over  Greece and reaping a 90% share of any win bonuses for Portugal, Spain and Ireland.

But with a good wind and a tall player up front, England can do as well as ever they did (oh no!).

The full team England is: Joe Hart, Rob Green, John Ruddy; Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, John Terry, Joleon Lescott, Gary Cahill, Ashley Cole, Leighton Baines; Theo Walcott, Stewart Downing, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Steven Gerrard, Gareth Barry, Frank Lampard, Scott Parker, Ashley Young, James Milner; Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck, Andy Carroll.

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Posted: 16th, May 2012 | In: Sports | Comment


3000 brave England fans head to near-certain death in Ukraine

SO. Why are just 3,000 England fans heading to Ukraine to watch England play in the Euro 2012 football tournament?

It’s the Sun’s font-page story – and the Sun’s Nick Parker knows the answer in his “EXCLUSIVE SUN INVESTIGATION”:

Supporters have been put off by drab host cities, the threat from bigoted local thugs and the unfancied prospects of Theo Walcott and Co.

This latest Sun “EXCLUSIVE” follows yesterday front-page “EXCLUSIVE” in which the Sun invited us to wonder if Lionel Messi, the Barcelona wonder, was a racist. Only, it wasn’t an exclusive at all. The Sun had merely read about Royston Drenthe’s claims of Messi calling him a “negro” on the Mail’s website, which had most likely taken the story – also without giving any credit – from Dutch website Nu.nl who had read the accusation in Dutch magazine Helden.

So. Here’s to a new Sun front-page exclusive.

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Posted: 11th, May 2012 | In: Sports | Comment


ITV Show Zero Confidence In England’s Chances At Euro 2012

WATCHING England has always been problematic since 1966. Basically, Hurst, Charlton, Moore & Co went and got everyone’s hopes up for no good reason. England fans have seen themselves as perennial underachievers, when really, the sad truth is that England just aren’t very good.

Best league in the world? Aye, imports from elsewhere saw to that, not to mention the plethora of excellent non-English managers. Essentially, we’re good at business, administration and hype – not playing football.

And backing up this notion is, remarkably, ITV, who are showing no confidence at all in England’s hopes to even progress out of their group in the European Championships in Poland and Ukraine.

They’ve refused to stump up the cash needed to land the England’s potential Quarter-final and Semi-final, leaving BBC with exclusive rights to England’s games on the off-chance they make it the knock-out phase.

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Posted: 13th, December 2011 | In: Sports | Comment


England v Bulgaria: Monkey Chants And Why Lothar Matthaus Knows Racism Is Never A Gas

ENGLAND tonk Bulgaria and the local fans in Sofia engage in racist chanting. The brains trust direct monkey chants at Ashley Young, Ashley Cole and Theo Walcott. It is appalling. Should the team leave the pitch? Nothing seems to stop it. So. What can be done? Incidentally, Bulgaria are managed by Lothar Matthäus, the German great says:

“I cannot say too much about this as I wasn’t really aware of it but, in my capacity as the manager, it’s pitiful for things like this to happen,” he said. “So, as a result of that, I’d like to apologise on behalf of the Bulgarian Football Federation.”

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Posted: 3rd, September 2011 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


England Thrash Sri Lanka In Cardiff Test

YESTERDAY, England thrashed Sri Lanka. England skittled out the tourists in 24.4 overs for 82 runs. Did you see it..?

 

 

 

Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Sports | Comment


English Demand Independence For Scotland At The Scottish Pipe Band Championships

IN today’s Independence For Scotland campaign, the English Independent Party sends us photos of the Scottish Pipe Band Championships in Dumbarton. Says on experts:

“If it wasn’t for the bagpipes, Scotland never would have been conquered. It was the Englishmen’s grim determination to shut the blasted things up that led to so much ferocity in battle and, ultimately, the creation of Tony Blair.”

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Posted: 21st, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)


England Run Out Words To Describe Ghana

ENGLAND drew 1-1 with Ghana. It was a game that ebbed and flowed like John Terry’s loyalty sacks. Fabio Capello, the England boss who says he needs only 100 words to speak with his team (and that includes 93 words for ”mama mia!”) was heard uttering the words: “Six million spondulics a year for this! Ha-ha-ha.”

But if you want to know about the power of words, look to the journalists. So. Let’s take a look at their views on England’s Leighton Baines.

Oliver Holt (Daily Mirror) she he was “superb“. Paul Hayward (Guardian) says he “earned high marks“.  Sachin Nakrani (Guardian) calls him a loser. And under the headline “Not too Leight for wannabes“, the Sun gives the Everton defender five out of ten.

Such are the facts, readers, from your expert hacks.

You can have a go at finding words for these photos:


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Posted: 30th, March 2011 | In: Sports | Comment


England’s Next Friendly To Be Game Of Shag, Marry, Avoid

ENGLAND beat Denmark in a game that featured a non-England team playing in front a crowd you might see as mid-ranking dressage event. England were shorn of what are still billed as first-choice players, like Steven Gerrard, who succumbed to the kind of off-the-camera incident all too common in modern football. Let’s hope he recovers in time for Liverpool’s next match.

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Posted: 10th, February 2011 | In: Sports | Comment


Our Photos Of England Thrashing Bulgaria 4-0 Do Not Have Audio

ENGLAND beat Bulgaria 4-0 and we took photos. England fans are noticeable for two things: the supporters who like to take the piss out of Wayne Rooney’s looks and hope that by calling him Shrek it will make him play better (see stuffed toys); and the inability for anyone to snuff out the so-called England supporters’ band that weeps out the music of lost causes and expects the lads in the replica tops to join in in a celebration of an American actor jumping a  fence on a motorbike.

Please someone get a Shrek toy and ram it hard into the small end of anyone holding a musical instrument…

Here are the pics:

Posted: 3rd, September 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (9)


England Footballers And The Beauty Therapist Who Has Slept With 5000 Men

ON the Daily Star’s front page you can read about “sex-mad beauty therapist” Nikki Lee who has shagged 5,000 different men since tuning 16 nine years ago.

You can also read that England football shaggers – those “SEX–RAT FOOTIE STARS” – have “cost the team £20million in sponsorship deals”.

You might suppose sponsors don’t fancy England because the team are rubbish and a recession makes marketing budgets tight. But the Star says England have no official sponsor because England substitute Peter Crouch has, allegedly, shagged Algerian prostitute Monica Mint. Although the FA recently rejected Nationwide’s £20m for a four-year deal.

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Posted: 13th, August 2010 | In: Sports | Comment


England V Germany: World Cup Fighting Begins

ALL that jingoism whenever England play Germany has reached India. Everyone is now up for a fight.

After the tabloid media has worked readers into a frenzy of fat-gutted patriotic bellicosity, it will tell the same readers how pathetic the thugs are who react with violence when England lose, or win.

Anyow. Do not mess with this one. He”s well up for it:

World Cup: Germany Less German Than England And Other War News

World Cup: Germany Face England And Her Media War Machine – News Round-Up

England V Germany In Pictures: A History Of World Cup Rivals

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Posted: 25th, June 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


World Cup: Germany Face England And Her Media War Machine – News Round-Up

WORLD Cup round-up: England have beaten the mighty Slovenia and in so doing set up a showdown with Germany. The media starts to remember the war:

Will the narrative get as bellicose as it did during the coverage of the Euro96 semi-final between England and Germany at Wembley? The Mirror led with a picture of England’s Paul Gascoigne and Stuart Pearce in Second World War soldier’s helmets.

North Korea’s World Cup Fans Are Chinese: NSFW

Inside, we read:

“There is a strange smell in Berlin and it’s not just their funny sausages, it’s the smell of fear.”

The leader told us:

“I am writing to you from the Editor’s office at Canary Wharf, London. Last night the Daily Mirror’s ambassador in Berlin handed the German government a final note stating that, unless we heard from them by 11 o’clock, a state of soccer war would exist between us”.

How times have changed:

Daily Star (front page): “JOB DONE – NOW FOR THE HUN”

Sun (front page): “HERR WE GO AGAIN”

It will bring back glorious – and agonising – memories of previous battles.

From Wapping to The Vancouver Sun, the jingoism is catching:

Haul out that Fawlty Towers DVD boxed set. They’re already referring to it as Germ warfare from Piccadilly Square to the Strand, from Kensington Gardens to the Marble Arch. Set the traps. It’s England-Germany.

The Mail hears a “war of words”. But do you. This from Joachim Low, the German coach:

‘I watched England’s matches. In the first two they were struggling but that’s quite normal, teams only pick up speed as they go through the tournament.

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Posted: 24th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (16)


England V Slovenia World Cup Photos And News Round-Up: FAB-io Or CRAP-ello?

ENGLAND V Slovenia in the 2010 World Cup is huge. The nation is talking. Here are the pick of the news and views: featuring a druid; a curse; Steven Gerrard’s fear; FAB-io or CRAP-ello; Beckenbauer backs England; Wimbledon bans England; the WAG bag; and travel agents are traitors…

Sun (front page): “RECOVERY MASTERPLAN REVEALED”

The Sun offers perspective on a Budget

* Taxing time ahead for all
* Country must pull together
* Heskey could be on bench

This is Cornwall: “Curse of African witch doctor lifted from England squad by Cornish druid”

Ed Prynn, the Archdruid of Cornwall, says he has lifted the magical burden that was placed on the team in Cape Town — by an African witch doctor.

Says he:

“They will feel like a big black cloud has passed over and it will be a new beginning. People will probably think I’ve lost my marbles but when the bird landed on the goal during the Algeria game on Friday, it was like a red light telling me the team were in trouble. They were doomed…

“I will know if my spell has worked straight away on Wednesday and England will win – even if it’s a penalty shoot- out.”

Wirral News: “Calls to Merseyside police during England’s first World Cup game drop significantly compared to four years ago”

Too depressed to fight:

Merseyside Police recorded a 37.5% reduction in both emergency and non-emergency calls on Saturday June 12, when placed against the number received during England’s first match at the last World Cup…

No football-related arrests were made on the day of England’s match with the USA.

Telegraph: “England v Slovenia: fear of World Cup failure will spurs us on, says Steven Gerrard”

Says Steven Gerrard:

“The fear of not winning drives you on. The last thing you want is to go home in the group stages. We’ve come here to stay in this tournament to the end. It would be an absolute disaster for this group of players to go home after the group stages.

“We want more. We want a performance. The key is to try and live without fear. There is pressure and fear. You’re playing for England and you have massive support. It doesn’t help to go on to the pitch and play with that fear.

“You have to go on to the pitch and try and relax, be patient. The performance will come.”

Over in Wimbledon:

Wimbledon was refusing to relent on its World Cup ban on Wednesday despite fears fans could snub the event with England’s footballers in action.

Bolton News: “Travel firms hope England don’t make it”

The Co-operative Travel says that England’s last World Cup exit to Portugal on penalties led to a surge in holiday bookings.

A fans’ Letter:

Wayne, Fabio et al,

First off, you can count on us.

We will be out in more force and with more passion than any other set of fans will manage throughout the rest of this World Cup, let alone has managed in the tournament so far.

We will be roaring you on and, in the closed and tight atmosphere of the stadium, will be the first set of fans to properly vanquish the vuvuzelas with our voices. The stadium, which will of course be a sea of white and red, will be shaking.

Some of the fans last time booed and, while we didn’t personally join in, we can see why. But to use a rather cheesy line, it really is only because we care. A lot.

In any case though, that is all behind us. When we arrive at the stadium, we will be positive, in good spirit and 100 per cent behind you. And noisy. Very, very noisy.

If we showed our frustration last Friday, it was also because we know how much better than that performance you are. We know you have the talent and the passion to make us proud and we still believe you will. While the game frustrated us, it has not diminished our belief in that ability.

This game is where the world cup starts proper and, as we were described by the team in Euro96, we fully intend to be a twelfth player. You can count on us.

See you out there.

Reason to be cheerful if England lose:

*. “Our boys” can’t possibly look as ridiculous as the French.

Time for the Wag Bag:

Tesco’s Wag Bag, is a bag-for-life designed by Alex Curran and decorated with lipstick kisses and words of encouragement from the wives and girlfriends of the England squad. It’s a limited edition, although by teatime today they could discover they manufactured rather too many of them. The message from Emile Heskey’s fiancee Chantelle Tagoe – “Best of luck fella’s! We’ve got it in the bag (smiley face)” – is typical of those featured on this curiosity of tomorrow. Will future generations wonder why we chose to print something so transient, meaningless and poorly punctuated on a bag that is, after all, meant to last a lifetime? I’m glad I won’t be around to explain it.

Der Kaiser Bask England:

Beckenbauer (above), who branded England’s style of play at the World Cup as “kick and rush”, said: “Most of the bigger nations who are struggling will go through to the last 16 and improve as the tournament progresses.

“One of the teams I’ve criticised might go on to be champions. Spain, England and Germany are having difficulties.”

Can’t fail!

The Star says all the omens suggest England will win today: “We’re wearing red, we’re on the BBC, we always beat ’em and we’re not France!”

Ready – it ‘s FAB-io or CRAP-ello:

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England's Jermain Defoe gets ahead of Slovenia's Marko Suler to score the opening goal fo the game


Posted: 23rd, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


England V Australia Cricket In Great Photos: We Win Again

WHILE you were watching England winless wonders at the world cup, England’s cricket team were thrashing the Australians. At the First one-day international at the Rose Bowl: England 268-6 (46 ovs) beat Australia 267-7 (50 ovs) by four wickets. England’s winning show featured a magnificent unbeaten century from Eoin Morgan. It’s brewing up to a rich summer of sport. Although not for Australia – shame, eh…

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England's Luke Wright avoids a bouncer

Posted: 23rd, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comment


Fight At England World Cup Training Camp: Pictures

AT the England World Cup training camp Joe Cole has Wayne Rooney in a head lock. A fight? Well, no. just spot of high jinx. But signs of fight are encouraging. After John Terry’s ego made its pitch to be England’s player-manager – yep, this is open and honest John Terry the one who tried to take a gagging injunction on the News of the World – the former skipper spent a part of this morning trying to kick himself in the head (picture 2). Frank Lampard spent much of the morning smiling. As did the rest of them…

Pictures: Vanessa Perroncel (John Terry’s Alleged Lover)

John Terry’s Dirty Play Gets A Red Card: Media Delights

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England manager Fabio Capello (right) and Frank Lampard (left) during training at the Royal Bafokeng Sports Complex, Rustenburg, South Africa.

Posted: 22nd, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (5)


World Cup: Annoying, Monotone England Emulate The Vuvuzela

ENGLAND draw 0-0 with the mighty Algerians in the dullest, most annoying, monotone game of the World Cup so far. England are dancing to the tune of the Vuvuzela. AGW sees the way ahead – and we need Victoria Beckham now more than ever:

IN-GER-LAND, in a bold new master plan, will be at Soweto’s Calabash big bash.
Hidden among the 95,000 spectators .

A miffed Football Association is outraged:

It is unacceptable,” said an FA spokesman. “It is disgraceful to contemplate the Ing-er-land team will not be at yet another World Cup Final. Thankfully there was no serious harm done with last night’s excellent draw with that unknown North African side, but we will be complaining to Fifa about the FA’s decision to appoint Manager Coach Capello. Something must done…

“London Transport are said to have an excellent range of second-user coaches.”

England must beat Slovenia, top of Group C after drawing with the USA if they are to reach the knock-out phase.

There is no hint they can make any viable attempt to do so.

Team Coach Fabio Capello has a master plan to solve the conundrum of getting an English presence at the World Cup final. The entire team are this morning being given emergency vuvuzela lessons in a last ditch bid to ensure they achieve the total mediocrity they so obviously crave.

In an incredible new twist, ageing WAG Victoria Beckham has written a new England Opus for the monotone droning instruments. The new mock-hymnal ‘Victoria’s Plum Duff’ is said to be an omni-tone work ideal for the instruments’ limited range.

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Posted: 19th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comment


In Pictures: Robert Green’s Golf Day – And Why England Loves Him

ROBERT Green knows what Kermit means. It’s not easy. But it is easies now for his England teammates. Green has made the first clanger. The rest of the squad can rest easy When they make mistake – miss penalty; gets sent off; skew a sitter into the cheap seats – they will not stand out so much. They will just in Green’s gang. Green is the team mascot now. He is every England player’s favourite. John Terry – what shags? Ashley Cole – what singer’s husband? Wayne Rooney – what the ****-***t you *a**-**c*-j***-fa****-****!?” Fabio Crapello – first one to spot “Crapello” in the mainstream media wins” – can wink at Green.

Green has permitted all manner of sin. And he has allowed the rest of the squad to relax. England fans, raise a glass to Sir Robert Green – and take care you don’t drop it…

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England's Robert Green smiles on the Lost City Golf Course at Sun City, South Africa.

Posted: 13th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comment


World Cup Photos: Vuvuzelas Drown Out England Supporter’s Band

WORLD Cup in Pictures: England plays USA in Rustenberg. The game was memorable for one happy – oh, so happy-happy-happy event: the vuvuzelas drowned out the horrible England “supporters’ band” playing The Great Escape, theme tune of lost causes. Grab you big kazoo and blow for England. Let’s kill off the band once and for all – we’ll have no more orchestrated, pisspoor, tinny renditions of film sound tracks to spice up the match for the telly. Let’s all have a f*****g disco and not invite the band. (Thanks Mick Hume).

The Top Ten Oil-Related Football Chants To Serenade The USA – Oily! Oily! Oily!

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USA fans display a banner in the stands

Posted: 12th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Fabio Crapello Watch: England Manager Capello Is Homer Simpson

CRAPELLO Watch: Anorak’s occasional look at the tabloids turning England manager, superstar Italian leader Fabio Capello into Fabio Crapello – foreign failure:
fabio-crapello

Posted: 15th, November 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


England Refuse To Play ‘Swine Flu’ Mexico At World Cup

football-pigSCARE story of the day comes via the Sun, wherein readers are told that footballers are spreading swine flu:

PREMIER LEAGUE stars were last night ordered to stop spitting amid fears of spreading swine flu. The Health Protection Agency have stepped in, trying to stop the infection being passed on. Three Blackburn players have had the virus including Chris Samba and David Dunn, while four unnamed Bolton stars are sick.

No spitting on order of the HPA, whose spokesman clears his throat:

“Spitting is disgusting at all times. It’s unhygienic and unhealthy, particularly if you spit close to other people. Footballers wouldn’t spit indoors – so they shouldn’t do it on the pitch.”

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Posted: 28th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2)


England Win Third Ashes Test

botham-waters-wicketSIR Ian Botham waters the wicket at the Third Ashes Test between England and Australia.

Two more days and two more Test matches and the Ashes are England’s!

Gawd bless da Queen. Long may it rain!

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Posted: 1st, August 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Cristiano Ronaldo Introduces The Top Ten Goals Of All Time

ronaldo-legsCRISTIANO Ronaldo is off to Real Madrid. Time, then, for Anorak to look at why Ronaldo is worth the money in our Top Ten Greatest Goals of All Time.

With a few exceptions – as you will see hereunder – great goals are scored by great players. And Ronaldo promises to bring great goals to Real Madrid.

No Ronaldo on our list… Well, not yet.

Here follows Anorak’s Top Ten:

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Coleen Rooney to give birth early for England’s World Cup cause

COLEEN Rooney has opted to give birth via C-section, to ensure that her and Wayne’s first kid will not be born at the same time as England’s not-very-crucial World Cup qualifier in Ukraine.

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Posted: 16th, April 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (4)


Football video: Peter Crouch does “the rope”

AFTER scoring England’s opening goal against Ukraine last night, Peter Crouch introduced another celebration to his impressive repertoire.

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Posted: 2nd, April 2009 | In: Sports | Comment