Euro 2012 | Anorak

Posts Tagged ‘Euro 2012’

Shearer praises Spain for having “an unbelievable amount of sex”

LIKE anyone sensible, you watched the Euro 2012 Championships fianl between Spain and Italy on BBC1. You did this because ITV has ad breaks and Clive Tyldesley. You did this because the BBC no longer has John Motson, much. You did this because the BBC has Gary Lineker’s understanding, patience and wit.

True enough, the BBC does have Alan “unbelievable” Hansen, a man for whom the incredible amounts to Andy Carroll heading a ball. It also has Alan Shearer. Just as Roy Hodgson’s XI are exciting because they make so many mistakes, Shearer is the old pro tripping over thoughts which, if his expression is a guide to what’s occurring within, are born in constipation whilst being sat on a fence.

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Posted: 2nd, July 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

Viriginie Caprice is your Euro 2012 predictor

HOW are your Euro 2012 predictions going. Hats off to the Anorak Towers house skink who told us that England would rely on an overweight, patently unfit Wayne Rooney and go out on penalties. Paul the Octopus is dead, so the Ukrainians is keeping abreast of developments with a slavering pig. And the French have Viriginie Caprice, who communicates her Pools coupon on her bared breasts.  The WAGS must be kicking themselves. Behold Vivi The Octopus, playing behind a immobile front two:

Posted: 25th, June 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

England crash out of Euro 2012: It’s smell your fingers time

COME ON TIM! England are pout of the Euro 21012 Championships, defeated in the quarter finals by the more skilled Italy. Rooney and Carroll, a strike force any pub team would be proud to call upon, failed to push the ball over the line that mattered. Scotty Parker worked his socks off. The anthems were impeccably observed. Then came penalties, and with them deflated RF bombers and the end of the England Supporters Band, who missed their cue to equip each penalty taker with a signature tune. The EBS’s palpable lack of imagination is one more thing to lament.  No directions. No goals. No Ennio Morricone.

Time, then, for England fans to wake up and small their fingers.

To paraphrase Clive James, “England were good at playing abstract confusion in the same way that a midget is good at being short.”

Anyhow, we’ll always have our fingers to call upon in times of national need:

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Posted: 25th, June 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

Euro 2012 history lessons: Steven Gerrard quotes Caesar, Horace and ‘Del Boy’ Trotter

ENGLAND play Italy tonight at Europ 2012. The Sun says that England’s “lion-hearted”captain Steve Gerrard has adopted the habits of “Rome’s Julius Caesar — whose motto was: ‘Seize the day.'”

Carpe diem is a phrase from a Latin poem by Horace:

“Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.”

This translates to:

“Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future”


“Pluck the day, trusting as little as possible in the future.”

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Posted: 24th, June 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

Martin Keown says Cristiano Ronaldo plays football like an NFL basketballer – a meme is born

WE in the UK like to think Americans know as much about football as they do about irony. It transpires that the UK knows nothing about the Americans. Hence we commend to your attention Curb Your Enthusiasm, Bilko, Friends, Seinfeld and Fulham’s Texas-reared import Clint Dempsey. But worse than that – worse even than British sit-coms – is the Britisher who showcases his ignorance of American sports.

Now, don’t get us wrong, American sports are no great shakes. Each year Anorak celebrates the Super Bowl in traditional fashion by walking around Ikea. But if Martin Keown, for instance, wants to compare the sublime cha-cha-chaing Cristiano Ronaldo, of Real Madrid and Portugal, with a player from American sports, he should get his facts right or risk looking a berk.

When commentating on the Portugal-Czech Republic game at Euro 2012, Keown dropped a clanger:

A meme is born:

Posted: 23rd, June 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

Euro 2012: Michel Platini streaks topless in Kiev – photo

EURO 2012 Spotter: Has Michel Platini let hinmself go. Has the Uefa wonk put on a bit to timber?

Or is it those women from Femen in Kiev to potest against prostitution, sex tourism and sexual harassment of female Ukrainian university students?


Posted: 22nd, June 2012 | In: Sports | Comments (2)

Euro 2012 in photos: England players prepare for glory in Ukraine as fans make ready to party

ARE you ready for England v Ukraine in the big Euro 2012 decider? Ready, Roy Hodgson? Ready, Theo Walcott? Ready, Wayne Rooney? Ready, England fan dressed a militant Christian with broken arm? Ready, neo-Nazis thugs? Ready to jump in the fountain when Steven Gerrard’s team wins…?


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Stan Stansfield with a dislocated thumb, broken wrist and cut forehead after he was accidentally pushed over the barrier at the England v Sweden game in an incident being investigated by UEFA which has been described as an attempted pitch invasion.

Posted: 19th, June 2012 | In: Reviews | Comment

Euro 2012: England beat Sweden in photos – with added Rooney Moony

ENGLAND 3. Sweden 2. The European Championships are up and running for Roy Hodgson’s heroes. On the telly it was great, where, as ever cheek fetishists were well served with lots of fluttering cheeks delivered in super slow motion. One Swedish fan turned his stomach into the “Rooney Moony”. And Our man in Kiev took photos:


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A Sweden fan with a message for Wayne Rooney, shows his support outside the ground before the game

Posted: 15th, June 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

Euro 2012: Inside the England fan zone in Kiev – photos, Swedes and rain

TO the fan zone in Kiev, where the England supporters ready to see the lads take on dread Sweden are camped under the rain by the Wato bar – where prices have almost doubled overnight. In our gallery of photos, one is caption “England fans lift up a Sweden fan as they mingle with each other.” No trouble. No England Supporters Band. Jut songs and lager. But it could be worse. In the Times, Sven Goran Eriksson tells readers that Sweden are tough and “because of that you often get matches that are tactical – or even wars.” He does in no way exaggerate…


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A man prepares to throw a bottle as England fans square up with Sweden fans in the fanzone in Kiev, Ukraine, during the European Football Championships before the two nation's football teams play each other in the competition.

Posted: 15th, June 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

3000 brave England fans head to near-certain death in Ukraine

SO. Why are just 3,000 England fans heading to Ukraine to watch England play in the Euro 2012 football tournament?

It’s the Sun’s font-page story – and the Sun’s Nick Parker knows the answer in his “EXCLUSIVE SUN INVESTIGATION”:

Supporters have been put off by drab host cities, the threat from bigoted local thugs and the unfancied prospects of Theo Walcott and Co.

This latest Sun “EXCLUSIVE” follows yesterday front-page “EXCLUSIVE” in which the Sun invited us to wonder if Lionel Messi, the Barcelona wonder, was a racist. Only, it wasn’t an exclusive at all. The Sun had merely read about Royston Drenthe’s claims of Messi calling him a “negro” on the Mail’s website, which had most likely taken the story – also without giving any credit – from Dutch website who had read the accusation in Dutch magazine Helden.

So. Here’s to a new Sun front-page exclusive.

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Posted: 11th, May 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

Activists use Euro 2012 to worsen Ukraine’s stray dog problem

DOGS in the Ukraine are being killed in readiness for Euro 2012. Well, so say the animal rights activists. Mykola Zlochevsky, the country’s environment minister, told a cabinet meeting – and the world’s media:

“Today I am publicly turning to all city mayors – let us stop the deaths of those poor stray animals for half a year and build shelters together.”

His woolly directive is aimed at appeasing campaginer, like the British animal protection group Naturewatch, whose representativers met with Zlochevsky’s department. Says John Ruane, the head of Naturewatch:

“This is a fantastic victory for Ukraine, its citizens and its animals.”

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Posted: 17th, January 2012 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)

ITV Show Zero Confidence In England’s Chances At Euro 2012

WATCHING England has always been problematic since 1966. Basically, Hurst, Charlton, Moore & Co went and got everyone’s hopes up for no good reason. England fans have seen themselves as perennial underachievers, when really, the sad truth is that England just aren’t very good.

Best league in the world? Aye, imports from elsewhere saw to that, not to mention the plethora of excellent non-English managers. Essentially, we’re good at business, administration and hype – not playing football.

And backing up this notion is, remarkably, ITV, who are showing no confidence at all in England’s hopes to even progress out of their group in the European Championships in Poland and Ukraine.

They’ve refused to stump up the cash needed to land the England’s potential Quarter-final and Semi-final, leaving BBC with exclusive rights to England’s games on the off-chance they make it the knock-out phase.

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Posted: 13th, December 2011 | In: Sports | Comment

Euro 2012 Outrage: England Team Showers Invaded By Tubby Sun Journalist

“WE’RE GUTTED – England training camp is a dump,” announces the Sun’s front page. England’s training base for Euro 2012 at Poland’s Hutnick stadium is not up to scratch. Maybe the Poles should import some English workers to show them how to do the plumbing?

Over page 1,4 and 5, Nick Parker gives the once over to the “muddy, waterlogged pitch“, “rubble-strewn changing rooms… barely fit for a pub team“. A labourer poses for a photo as he wheels his wheelbarrow.

Says Parker:

“A tubby security guard puffed on a cigarette  as he lounged in a grim concrete stand.”

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Posted: 5th, December 2011 | In: Sports | Comments (2)