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Posts Tagged ‘fail’

Life imitates Scarfolk: Civil Service tells parents to shoot rabid children

“Wow! This has made my week,” says Richard Littler. “This is from the government’s *own* publication about the history of government communications. They mistakenly included a Scarfolk poster which encourages the killing of children. Clearly, nobody thought it was too extreme.”

 

government scarfolk

The original Government pamphlet

 

rabiesshoot scarfolk government

UK Government says ‘shoot yer kids’

 

“You can download your own copy of this Scarfolk/UK government ‘collaboration’ from the government’s own site: quarterly.blog.gov.uk/download-a-pdf… (Hurry before they realise!).” They did realise that the fictional town of Scarfolk created by Richard as “a dystopian satire of the 1970s that somehow leaks into and reflects on current affairs” had become Government approved. And chances are whoever compiled the collection realised, too. The image has now been removed.

 

scarfolk shoot children cabinet office

 

The advice to shoot your children appears in the July edition of Civil Service Quarterly. Produced by the Cabinet Office ‘A century of government communications’ , the publication tells us that top-down communiqués have “helped to shape modern Britain and have themselves been shaped by the changing media landscape and changes in society”.

We are warned:

In an era when the spread of social media and the proliferation of digital information sources makes us question the very nature of news and what constitutes a ‘fact’, it is worth remembering two things. First, we have been here before: communications can, often deliberately, distort and mislead. A royal proclamation in 1688 specifically referred to tackling the spread of ‘false news’ (echoing the ‘fake news’ of today). And, second, at their best – honest, open, informative and effective – communications can help to shape, improve and even save lives.

Adding:

As we continue to listen, we are more likely to act appropriately on what people are telling us about what they need – and earn their trust – if we understand the public we serve. The Civil Service’s ambition to be the most diverse and inclusive employer in the UK by 2020 supports this aspiration.

Excellent communication that people trust is essential to a properly functioning democracy. That trust, built on the dialogue between public and state, is the touchstone of modern government communications.

It’s all about trust.

 

Detail from James II's 1688 proclamation "to restrain the spreading of false news"

Detail from James II’s 1688 proclamation “to restrain the spreading of false news”

 

“I have never seen the government move so quickly in my life (and certainly not because of me)!” says Richard. ‘From my announcement of their error to them deleting and editing the documents was about 5 mins.”

Richard adds: “On the last page of Discovering Scarfolk (2014), I warned about the dangers of a Scarfolk-based, apocalyptic cult infiltrating the civil service… You’re welcome.”

 

government scarfolk

The original Government pamphlet

 

rabiesshoot scarfolk government

Discovering Scarfolk – 2014

 

To prevent unnecessary bloodshed, Scarfolk Council has issued the following cease and desist letter to HM Government:

 

scarfolk shoot children

 

 

“The Government has tried replacing the Scarfolk poster with something patriotic. Is this some kind of photoshop challenge?”

 

scarfolk government

Now updated – don’t shoot yer kids; shoot Germans instead

 

But it’s not gone. You can download the original pamphlet here.

 

Posted: 21st, July 2018 | In: Key Posts, News, Politicians, Strange But True | Comment


Chelsea and Belgium’s Michy Batshuayi celebrates by kicking ball into his own face

Chelsea’s Michy Batshuayi celebrated Adnan Januzaj’s winning strike for Belgium in their 1-0 win over a palsied England by slamming the ball against the post. The post responded by firing the ball at Batshuayi’s face.

 

 

In other news: England are still England.

PS: Adnan Januzaj used to be English:

Posted: 28th, June 2018 | In: Chelsea, Sports | Comment


Are Arsenal launching a top-shelf adult magazine?

The latest edition of the official Arsenal magazine is very much a top-shelf affair. Unless it’s all a terrible misunderstanding? Spurs fan Iain Aitch thinks it might be, tweeting: “Good to see Arsenal have abandoned sub-editing and proofing.”

 

Arsenal magazine fail
 

As the Arsenal magazine sells well in certain niche ‘communities’, we recall the 2011 Scunthorpe FC calendar (yours for just £12.99). It included an unusual entry for September. The slogan ‘Scunthorpe United No1 Fan’ had been cropped – the ‘S’ was missing. Fan Jamie Muir told us his mum had bought him the ‘cunthorpe’ calendar “I had to rub my eyes. I thought I was seeing things. Initially, I thought the publishers had made a mistake with mine. But then I got a letter and a sticker. They asked us to put it over the mistake, but I reckon I’ll keep it as it is.”

* No-one from Peru’s Deportivo Wanka was available for interview.

Posted: 27th, June 2018 | In: Arsenal, News, Sports | Comment


The Prince Harry swimsuit features a Ginger Chinge

It’s the mankini for women – and Stage dos. The Prince Harry swimsuit features a Chinge – a Ginger Chinge, naturally.

 

 

 
prince harry swimsuit minge fail

Posted: 15th, May 2018 | In: Royal Family, The Consumer | Comment


Florida newspaper advertises guns under Parkland massacre story

To Fort Lauderdale, where Florida’s Sun Sentinel daily newspaper thought it ok to publish an advert for a gun show righty below a front-page story on he massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School and a second story on a gunman who murdered five people at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood airport.

 

parkland guns ad sun sentinel

 

The Sun Sentinel has apologised. The Miami New Times has more:

“It’s a mess. It’s horrible,” says Julie Anderson, the Sun Sentinel’s editor in chief. “We’re taking every step possible to make sure our editorial staff always see ads before publication so something like this doesn’t slip through.”

In her statement, publisher Nancy Meyer said, “We deeply regret placement of a gun advertisement on our front page Wednesday morning. It has been against our policy to run gun and other types of controversial advertising on our front page.”

 

 

So who was checking? Does anyone read the paper at the paper? Can we blame outsourcing, at least partially?

Posted: 3rd, May 2018 | In: News | Comment


Fail: Former Chelsea player Marko Marin dives to get referee sent off

Hero of the week is former Chelsea player Marko Marin, who during a bout of handbags in the absurd Greek Super League fell to the ground in comical fashion. Olympiacos are playing Apollon Smyrnis. Marin is the one who looks like Declan Donnelly:

Olympiakos lost the match 0-1, the goal coming in the game’s opening minute. Marin’s cunning plan seemed to be to get the referee to send himself off for an of-the-ball shove.

The outcome is that Olympiakos are 12 points behind league leaders AEK Athens with just two matches left to play. And Marin has big future in slapstick.

 

Spotter: Pies

Posted: 24th, April 2018 | In: Sports | Comment


Nordstrom denies liking ‘Dick’ DS tweet

Now that every brand is also a publisher, we can cock a glance at the twitter account of Nordstrom. Who they? Well, according to the company’s website, they are visionaries with “an incredible eye for what’s next in fashion”, possessed of a “passionate drive to exceed expectations”. They’ve been in business for around 100 years. And they’ve now confirmed that they did NOT “like” a tweet that said the “DS” in the computer game system “Nintendo DS” stood for “Dick Suck.”

 

Nordstrom denies liking 'Dick' DS tweet

 

“The DS in Nintendo DS stands for Dick Suck,” said Nick Wiger. “The idea was, playing it was as fun as gettin your dick sucked. 3DS, as fun as 3 dick sucks.”

That was followed by someone operating under the name ‘KatieMetzi’, who offered: “Um, this appeared in my feed because @Nordstrom liked it?”

“Sorry for the confusion, Katie,” Nordstrom fired back. “We can confirm we have not liked this tweet.”

 

 

These are heady times for big brands on twitter, where reputations can can trashed in a trice. Why do they bother?

Posted: 19th, March 2018 | In: News, Technology | Comment


FA Cup fail: BBC announce Manchester United to play Chelsea and Spurs

And to the live draw for the FA Cup semi-final. Lynsey Hipgrave is the designated BBC blonde sports presenter tasked with announcing the matches. The balls are pulled from U-bend beneath the FA Cup plug hole by Gianfranco Zola and Petr Cech.

The numbers in the hat are – and if anyone knows the method behind the numbering, do tell:

1 – Tottenham
2 – Manchester United
3 – Chelsea
4 – Southampton

They come out in order: 2, 1, 3, 4.

It’s Manchester United v Tottenham. It’s Chelsea v Southampton. Or as Hipgrave puts it: it’s Spurs v Southampton. It’s Man United v Chelsea.

 

 

You had one job.

Posted: 18th, March 2018 | In: Chelsea, manchester united, News, Sports, Spurs | Comment


Snapchat invites users to think about assaulting Rihanna

Snapchat wants to know if its users would prefer to “Slap Rihanna” or “Punch Chris Brown”. There’s no option ‘c’, but if there were it would most likely be: do we know which marketing boffin thought it wise to turn criminal assault into larks? You’ll no doubt recall that in 2009 Chris Brown used his fists to put his then lover Rihanna in hospital. Brown pleaded guilty to felony assault.

Nine years laster, and domestic abuse is rebranded as a leisure activity.

 

rihanna slap

 

Snap, the company that operates Snapchat, tells the BBC that the poll was published “in error”.

“The advert was reviewed and approved in error, as it violates our advertising guidelines,” says Snap. “We immediately removed the ad last weekend, once we became aware.”

 

 

Rihanna used her Instagram account to respsond:

Now SNAPCHAT I know you already know you ain’t my fav app out there! But I’m just trying to figure out what the point was with this mess! I’d love to call it ignorance, but I know you ain’t that dumb! You spent money to animate something that would intentionally bring shame to DV [Domestic Violence] victims and made a joke of it!!!! This isn’t about my personal feelings, cause I don’t have much of them…but all the women, children, and men that have been victims of DV in the past and especially the ones who haven’t made it out yet….you let us down!  Shame on you. Throw the whole app-oligy away.

And just like that Snap’s stock tumbled 4%.

 

Posted: 16th, March 2018 | In: Celebrities, News | Comment


Epic fail: resting Guardian editor mistaken gets Samuel L Jackson comeback

When Peter Preston, a former editor of the Guardian, died earlier this week, his old paper paid tribute to the man who led between 1975 and 1995.

Janice Turner, Preston’s daughter-in-law, and a Times columnist, read the Guardian’s obituary to the great man. She was moved to tweet:

Strange error in The Guardian’s obit of Peter Preston which would have amused him. He did not write the action movie 51st State starring Samuel L Jackson but a novel of the same name which predicted Britain would leave the EU.

peter preston fail 51st state

 

Not so strange. The BBC made just that error, noting:

His wrote the book 51st State, which was later adapted into a film starring Samuel L Jackson.

 

peter preston 51st state

 

The Herald Scotland told its readers

He also penned novels including Bess and 51st State, the latter of which was made into a film starring Samuel L Jackson.

Such are the facts.

Posted: 8th, January 2018 | In: Broadsheets, News | Comment


Daily Mail reported Mugabe’s demise 2 days before he went

As Robert Mugabe spends time with his money, it’s worth noting how the Mail knew he was going well before anyone else. On November 19 at 5:08 pm, the Mail thundered: “Robert Mugabe STEPS DOWN to end 37 years in power.” The was wrong, of course, Mugabe resigned two days later.

robert mugabe daily mail

 

How did the Mail know? And what were those people celebrating – Mugabe’s staying and going? The Mail’s Facebook page published this update:

 

robert mugabe daily mail error

 

Follow the link and the Mail story now reads: “Robert Mugabe now faces impeachment after REFUSING to resign”. Indeed, the paper’s Twitter link is confused. Having stated that Mugabe was gone, the updated teaser was picked up and tells readers: “Robert Mugabe REFUSES to step down.”

 

 

Such are the facts.

 

Posted: 2nd, December 2017 | In: News, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment


Roy Moore accused of molesting shellfish

sex Clams headline

 

Big news from Alabama, where the Republican Party is embroiled in a “sex clams” scandal involving local politician and judge Roy Moore. Moore’s campaign for the US Sensate is infected by allegations that he molested 14-year-old Leigh Corfman (now 53) and three other teens when he was in his thirties.

“This is one of those excruciating decision moments for evangelicals,” Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. “These allegations, if true, are devastating. If true, this is a very big deal.”

If true. Moore denies any wrongdoing. Corfman stands by her story. The clams are not talking.

The Times Daily regrets the error.

 

 

Posted: 13th, November 2017 | In: News, Politicians, Strange But True | Comment


Donald Trump discovers ‘Nambia’ where Namibia used to be

Donald Trump is in Africa. He’s meeting with the leading of ‘Nambia’.

Presidential? Very. In Nambia, do they speak Austrian?

Posted: 21st, September 2017 | In: Politicians | Comment


Fans booted out of Boston’s Fenway Park for waving accidentally racist banner

Hard luck on the four fans expelled from Boston’s Fenway Park during a baseball game yesterday after waving a banner carrying the legend: “Racism Is As American As Baseball.” Ambiguous much? One of the banned banners tells us:

“There were originally about eight people involved who had this idea, and those eight people come from various organizing groups in the Boston area. Mostly groups that affiliate with racial justice causes. And the banner came in response to the racist comments at the beginning of the season at Fenway. But overall, we saw, we see Boston continually priding itself as a kind of liberal, not racist city, and are reminded also constantly that it’s actually an extremely segregated city. It has been for a long time, and that no white people can avoid the history of racism, essentially. So we did this banner as a gesture towards that, to have a conversation about that.”

Here’s the banner:

 

RAcism is as american as baseball

 

The Boston Red Sox make a statement:

“During the fourth inning of tonight’s game, four fans unfurled a banner over the left field wall in violation of the club’s policy prohibiting signs of any kind to be hung or affixed to the ballpark. The individuals involved were escorted out of Fenway Park.”

Spotter: Bleacher Report

Previously:

Posted: 15th, September 2017 | In: News, Sports | Comment


Tick used illustrate dangers of fatal disease escapes at press conference

To Japan’s Miyazaki Prefectural Government, where the local experts have called a press conference. The aim is to alert everyone to the threat of thrombocytopenia syndrome, a potentially fatal disease carried by ticks. It;s not all tell because the experts have brought along a parasitic tick. If you see one to these critter, be alarmed. And then it escaped.

The Japan Times has more:

“We should have been more careful about safety management as the prefecture is in a position to alert its people,” Miyazaki Gov. Shunji Kono said at a regular news conference Tuesday…

The officials and reporters looked for the missing tick in vain. The officials sprayed insecticide in the room and disinfected the room that night, they said.

No need. One of the politicos can just lie on the floor and wait. The tick will shot itself soon enough.

 

Posted: 13th, September 2017 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Car crash opening to BBC World News (Video)

BBC World News has broadcasts a novel new intro.

 

Spotter: Andy Roberts

Posted: 9th, September 2017 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


How to fire a freelancer

globe and mail freelancers sacking

 

The Globe and Mail has canned “a number of” freelance columnists, including Tabatha Southey and Leah McLaren. The paper’s editor-in-chief, David Walmsley, thought it decent to sack them by form email.

Dear [Name]

I wanted to write you to let you know the results of a review The Globe and Mail has undertaken with respect to our freelance footprint. As a result I am sorry to tell you we will no longer be taking your submissions on a regular basis.

You are one of a number of freelancers affected. The review considered overall gaps and strengths in our current and future coverage plans and overall budget priorities.

I would like to thank you for the great work you have done for us over the years and wish you a continued bright future with your pen and pixels, wherever they take you.

Dw

In a reply to Walmsley, McLaren wrote back:

Dear David,

I wanted to write you to let you know the results of a review I have personally undertaken with respect to our How Not To Fire Someone After Seventeen Years of Writing a Column.

You are one of a number of managers affected. The review considered overall gaps and strengths in inexcusable management style, appalling jargon-filled memospeak and a complete lack of human empathy.

I would like to thank you for the great work you have done over the years in this regard and wish you a continued bright future in trying get some sleep at night.

Lm

Spotter: , Canadaland

Posted: 7th, September 2017 | In: Money | Comment


TV new anchor didn’t change her shirt before broadcast

On the Bangalore local TV, news anchor  Kannada is wearing a terrific T-shirt.

shut the fuck up t-shirt

 

 

Spotter: Petty86

Posted: 27th, August 2017 | In: Fashion, Strange But True, TV & Radio | Comment


Whoops Apocalypse! Guam radio broadcasts nuclear missile warning in error

North Korea has missiles trained on Guam, an American territory. Will mad Kim Jong-un shoot? KTWG and KSTO radio stations say he already has shot, broadcasting an emergency alert to listeners. But there was no incoming missile. It was an error.

Whoops!

Guam locals have been issued with leaflets telling them “What to do in case of nuclear attack”. One  tip: “Do not look at the flash or fireball – It can blind you.” Tip 2: “Take cover behind anything that might offer protection.” Adhere to tips one and two and then: “When possible, take a shower with lots of soap and water to help remove radioactive contamination.”

After armageddon, good to know en-suite bathrooms survive. Oh, and best to take just one bottle into the show: “Do not use conditioner in your hair because it will bind radioactive material to your hair.” Should you have any left.

Don’t panic!

Posted: 15th, August 2017 | In: News, Strange But True, TV & Radio | Comment


Children’s book confuses readers with 5 bananas graphic

fail 5 bananas book

 

“I imagine a child learning to count from this book and then just being incredibly confused for the rest of their life,” writes GooseHerder on Reddit.

 

Posted: 10th, August 2017 | In: Books, Strange But True | Comment


Manchester United sign Stormzy and Lukaku plays Dublin’s Longitude festival

stormzy lukaku

 

Manchester United didn’t sign Romelu Lukaku from Everton. As Ireland’s Evening Herald newspaper reports, those fools at Old Trafford signed Stormzy in error.

Says the paper’s editor Herald Alan Steenson of its scoop:

Hands up, we got it badly wrong. Earlier, we made an error with a picture of Romelu Lukaku that wasn’t him. It was Stormzy.To be honest, we are totally embarrassed and want to say sorry to all involved and our readers for the error. We will keep our eye on the ball in future.

Lukaku is playing the Longitude festival in Dublin on Friday.

Posted: 10th, July 2017 | In: Celebrities, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


Vermont maple syrups takes like urine? The advert says it does

Vermont maple syrup takes of…

 

vermont maple syrup

 

Spotter: OneBakingPanda

Posted: 29th, June 2017 | In: Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment


The Roger Moore cancer scoop that wasn’t

Sir Roger Moore was a top bloke. The Express has a story on the actor most famous for playing James Bond with such aplomb:

 

daily express roger moore

 

daily express roger moore

 

 

A scoop, then. Or not:

 

daily express roger moore

 

Apart from that it was all true.

 

Spotter: @PointlessLetters 

 

Posted: 11th, June 2017 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


GE17: who wants to see Jeremy Corbyn’s ‘money shot’?

As Cuck Norris tweets:When phrases enter the language and you use them, but you have no idea of their meaning or derivation: a short treatise.”  has treated Twitter users to Jeremy Corbyn’s “Money shot”.

 

jeremy corbyn money shot labour GE17 fail

 

Collins dictionary defines ‘money shot’: “a shot in a pornographic film in which a male performer is seen to ejaculate.”

Spotter: Cuck Norris 

Posted: 7th, June 2017 | In: Politicians | Comment