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Validation: the wonder of free parking (a video)

Kurt Kuenne’s short film Validation is the “fable about the magic of free parking”.

 

Posted: 18th, August 2016 | In: Film | Comment


Mark Kermode’s Reviews As Painfully Honest Film Posters

We love this. Patrick Smith has used BBC Five Live’s film critic Mark Kermode’s bon mots as film poster reviews.

Mark KErmode 3

 

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Posted: 2nd, December 2014 | In: Film | Comment


The Best Worst Last Films by Legendary Actors

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DEATH is a terrible inevitability. You could pop your considerable clogs at any given moment. You might be half way through a banana. You could be mid-poo, like Elvis. You could be *this close* to finishing that computer game that proved so difficult all those years. You might suddenly die just before someone finishes a joke.

Worse than all these things put together, is when great actors die before they’ve had the chance to do one last film that is any good.

There’s a whole host of brilliant actors who have been in absolute crap – Robert De Niro in ‘The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle’, Michael Caine in ‘Jaws: The Revenge’, Kevin Spacey in ‘Fred Claus’, Faye Dunaway in ‘Dunston Checks In’ and Al Pacino in Adam Sandler’s beyond woeful ‘Jack & Jill’.

However, they all got another shot at correcting the blips on their showreels.

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Posted: 16th, September 2014 | In: Film | Comment


5 Unspeakably Awful Songs of 1980s Horror Cinema

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HORROR movies, like any other genre, are products of their time. So, naturally, their soundtracks are going to reflect the popular music of the day. This can be a good thing…. or a devastating handicap when the popular music of the day is disco and breakdancing. Yet, many horror flicks of the 1980s managed to get it right. The soundtrack to Halloween is expertly menacing, as were the soundtracks to Dario Argento’s films (thanks in no small part to Goblin). Perhaps one day we’ll look at the ones that did things right, but today we’re looking at the ones who did things oh so terribly wrong.

 

 

Graduation Day (1981)
“Everybody Wants to be the Winner”

 

I don’t know who sings this opening song, but I can only assume it’s a coked up Leo Sayer. Granted, I’m not a horror movie expert, but I think I’m correct in assuming the opening sequence of a horror film shouldn’t incite peals of mocking laughter. I could be wrong.

 

 

Friday the 13th: Part 3 (1982)
Main Titles

 

An excellent song to breakdance to, I’m sure; however, it seems utterly ridiculous as the opening theme to a slasher movie. The rather disturbing head on a table juxtaposed with a beat-box jam is downright laughable. This would have been right at home as the theme to Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, not a horror movie. I suppose you could make the argument that the Friday the 13th films weren’t exactly serious horror films. Whatever the case, this breakdancing opener is still a laugh.

 

 

The House on Sorority Row (1983)
Music by 4 Out Of 5 Doctors

 

The band in the following video clip is “4 Out of 5 Doctors”, who play several songs throughout the film. When you watch this clip, be sure to pay attention to the part where the 3 girls are checking out a “cute” guy who winks at them – this may very well be cinema’s finest moment.

 

sororityrow frame

 

This dude is sporting what was commonly referred to as the “butt cut”. This scene is just priceless – I want to give this dude a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!

4 Out of 5 Doctors actually released a few albums, and were Billboard’s “best new band” one month. In an interview with PM Magazine, the band stated their debut record took five years to craft – each day methodically perfecting the ultimate album.

Hmmm…. not quite. They were also the house band in another horror flick, The Boogieman (1980).

 

 

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (1987)
“We Live To Rock” by Jon Mikl Thor

 

You’ve heard the phrase “so bad it’s good.” Well, this is “so bad it’s a blight upon all mankind.” Bodybuilder turned heavy-metal train-wreck, Thor, takes metal music to the absolute bottom of the barrel. Picture the worst songs by Quiet Riot, Ratt, and Twisted Sister all rolled into one. Oddly enough, Thor’s music ends up being the only thing remotely horrifying in the entire film.

 

The Pod People (1983)
“Burning Rubber Tires”

 

Repetitive, woefully generic, and best of all, the lyrics are incomprehensible. This would have been terrible on a record, but this embarrassing mess is being filmed, and the results are beyond cringeworthy. The moment at the end when the supposed rock star signals “It Stinks” has become something of an iconic moment among B-movie nerds. Most of the notoriety of “Hear the Engines Roll Now” is owed to Mystery Science Theatre 3000 who parodied it brilliantly.

 

 

For those wanting to read the lyrics (and I’m assuming that’s literally everyone reading this article), here they are in their entirety. You’re welcome.

With a fickle mind we kick the nickel beer
Steady as a goat, we’re flying over trout.
Ghetto down the highway at the speed of light;
All I want to feel now is the wind in my eyes.
Sack of monkeys in my pocket
My sister’s ready to go.

Hear the engine roar now
Idiot control now
Hideous control now
Ninny on the road now.
Minnie in control, wheel’s on fire, burning rubber tires.

Leer at jelly rolls now
Hiddy let’s it go now
Ninny inches po down
Pityin’ a po’ boy
Hear the engines roar, bees on pie, burning rubber tires.

Posted: 25th, April 2014 | In: Film, Flashback, Key Posts | Comment


The Greatest Rock Biopics: From Hendrix to Guthrie

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BIOPICS are problematic at the best of times, but get it right and you can cement a person’s place in history forever. Especially tricky are rock biopics because, half the time, the person or people they celebrate, are still alive. Or at least, they were around not that long and you can remember if they were horrible or not.

However, some rock films are better than the actual careers of the artist they pay tribute to.

Have you seen The Doors film? That’s a daft romp through 60s fluff and nonsense with some hilarious mystical sequences and leather trousers. 10,000% better than actually having to sit down and listen to anything The Doors ever committed to record. We can whip the horses eyes? C’mon! You’d much rather see one of Meg Ryan’s boobs and laugh at Billy Idol in a hippie wig!

With a biopic of Jimi Hendrix due to drop any minute now, played by Andre 3000 from Outkast, it seems like a perfect time to look at some of the finer performances in the oeuvre.

 

Jimi Hendrix

Let us start with the newest and most exciting biopic in a while. ‘All is By My Side’ features Andre Benjamin as the late Hendrix. We knew he was a man who could pull off Hendrix’s wild attire, but the footage doing the rounds shows that Benjamin is more than adept at doing an impression of Jimi. Have a look.

 

 

 

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Posted: 6th, March 2014 | In: Film, Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment


Leads cast in Fifty Shades Of Grey… so start imagining them naked now

GOOD news everybody! The lead roles of Fifty Shades of Grey have been announced! You haven’t heard of them, but no matter, because the main bit of their job is to do a lot of sex, which is nice.

For those who must know, the British Charlie Hunnam and US actress Dakota Johnson will be taking their clothes off and talking to each other with clunky euphemisms, while Mumset tut about it all, before secretly frigging their collective pelvis off.

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Posted: 4th, September 2013 | In: Books, Film | Comment


Worinelve! The latest instalment of Wolverine, apparently…

wolverine

DOES anyone fancy going to the cinema to watch Human Ghjac in the latest blockbuster, Worinelve? Obviously, you haven’t heard of either of those things, but look at the photo of this prime cock-up and you’ll learn more.

And there we have it, a bus-sized balls-up where one advertiser will be annoyed at Stagecoach making a hash of their paid-for advertising… although, with this surely on the cusp of going viral, maybe we’ll see all future film ads being garbled in such a manner.

Now, where can we get Human Ghjac’s autograph?

Posted: 14th, August 2013 | In: Film | Comment


Railway Children gets first complaint in 42 years

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WE all like complaining, but would you moan about something that is 42 years old? The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) has received its first ever complaint for The Railway Children, which was first aired in 1970.

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Posted: 16th, July 2013 | In: Film | Comment


Hollywood: How the Zombie beat The Cowboy

TRUE **it.  The Zombie beats The Cowboy:

“Sometime in 2011 the total number of film plots with the keyword ‘zombie’ passed the number of film plots with the keyword ‘cowboy,’ according to the Internet Movie Database. One might argue that the zombie has become the great American archetype of the postmodern era, as the cowboy was the American archetype a century ago. With the release of Brad Pitt’s $200 million zombie epic World War Z, what used to be the stuff of low-budget shockers has entered the American cultural mainstream. Therein lies a lesson.”

zombie cowboy

Posted: 4th, July 2013 | In: Film | Comment


Exploding actresses – when actresses in famous films explode – volumes 1, 2 and 3

exploding actresses

WHEN actresses explode, aka Exploding Actresses is brilliant:

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Posted: 25th, June 2013 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment


Emma Watson won’t be getting really naked in Fifty Shades of Grey

emma watson 50 shades

FIFTY Shades of Grey completely took over the world, giving people the chance to indulge themselves in the darker side of Mills and Boon and revel in some of the most clunky euphemisms for the vagina ever committed to a page. All good fun and a rather sweet way of getting your rocks off, compared to brutal 3 minute internet clips of tattooed LA starlets getting ravaged by men hung like wheelie-bins.

A film adaptation of EL James’ ‘Fifty Shades’ was inevitable and 99% of the world’s press rubbed their thighs with mucky fever, talking openly about which famous actress they’d most like to see getting spanked on the silver screen.

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Posted: 18th, March 2013 | In: Books, Film, Reviews | Comments (2)


Charlie Brown and Snoopy to be ruined in new film

HOW do you improve on perfection? Simple answer is that you can’t. So, when dealing with something that is absolutely perfect in every way, you’d better tread carefully around it right?

This is the problem facing 20th Century Fox who are going to make a new feature length animation of Peanuts, the strip that gave us Charles Schulz’s Charlie Brown and Snoopy (and all the other brilliant characters of course. Fight amongst yourselves in your bid to decide who is best).

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Posted: 10th, October 2012 | In: Film | Comment


The Hobbit trailer is here! Sadsacks rejoice!

THE Lord of the Rings trilogy were a lousy bunch of films that were akin to Star Wars, episodes 1-3: The MTV Unplugged version. Bad CGI, too much clunky dialogue and politics and, worst of all, roughly 80 years too long. Still, they were furiously successful and spawned fans so ardent that I’m probably going to be killed in my sleep for not liking them.

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Posted: 19th, September 2012 | In: Film | Comment


Adel, and the gnawing predictability of a Bond theme

NEED a Bond theme? Get someone with a big, booming voice, right? Not quite. Nancy Sinatra did the best one and she’s hardly operatic. Either way, these days, it’s all about divas who can belt one out. Simon Cowell has probably been shoving Leona Lewis in the faces of James Bond producers since she won X Factor.

However, unsurprisingly, Adele’s name is being floated around for Skyfall, the 23rd Bond film. That’s because she can pelt a song out AND just happens to have sold a gazillion records.

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Posted: 18th, September 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Lana Del Rey to quit singing! (With any luck)

LANA DEL REY has always seemed disingenuous, bursting onto the scene on daddy’s money and dragging that long face of hers about the place with her vapid, weedy blub-pop. Well, praise be! Seems that she can’t be bothered being a popstar anymore and has revealed plans to branch out into screenwriting!

According to The Sun, Del Rey said:

“When I was first starting, I had a vision of being a writer for film and that’s what I am doing now. I’m so happy. Hopefully I will branch into film work and stay there.”

“What would it say? Everything I wanted to say, I’ve said already… I don’t think I’ll write another record.”

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Posted: 7th, September 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Do not adjust your brains: Van Damme talks about his affair with Kylie

SOMETIMES a headline alludes to something, only to avoid delivering. ‘CHERYL COLE’S ENJOYS THREE IN A BED PUSSYFEST’ could well be about a picture she’s tweeted of herself, in bed with two farting felines. Well, this headline is giving it to you straight. Jean Claude Van Damme is saying that he’s had sex with Kylie Minogue. Over to JCVD:

“Yes. OK. Yes, yes, yes. It happened. I was in Thailand, we had an affair. Sweet kiss, beautiful lovemaking. I would have been abnormal not to have had an affair, she’s so beautiful and she was there in front of me every day with a beautiful smile, simpatico, so charming.

“She wasn’t acting like a big star. I know Thailand very well, so I showed her my Thailand. She’s a great lady.”

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Posted: 13th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Rot-oh! Hugh Laurie: RoboCop

DID you know that there was a remake of RoboCop afoot? You have 20 seconds to comply with your answer. Did you know that Hugh Laurie is likely to be involved in it? Imagine him in his Jeeves & Wooster guise, mincing around burning debris and killer androids!

Alas, Hugh won’t be playing Jose Padilha’s RoboCop, rather, getting the gig of being the chief baddie in the film. Classic ‘Get An Englishman To Play The Baddie’ move from Hollywood there. Alan Rickman will be furious!

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Posted: 13th, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Amanda Seyfried reveals all as Lovelace (photos)

THE role of Linda Lovelace, the starring role in new biopic Lovelace, was initially supposed to go to Lindsay Lohan, but alas, she has all those ‘legal woes’ shall we say? As such, she was pulled from the project, opening the door for Amanda Seyfried.

And now, we’ve all got the chance to look at the actress in a state of undress as she plays the centre of everyone’s attention from one of the most notorious films ever made – Deep Throat. Appearing in little more than a bright red bra, we have to assume that she’ll be showing a lot more in Lovelace. Emotionally we mean. Of course we mean that. It isn’t our fault you’ve got a dirty mind.

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Posted: 3rd, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Simpletons thrilled as Anchorman 2 is announced by Will Ferrell

WHILE there is nothing quite as funny as an unexpected fart, there’s comedy that’s so puerile that you have to wonder what kind of person actively seeks it out and enjoys it. Who on Earth watches Adam Sandler films? Plankton? Equally as bad, but oddly, given the credible thumbs up, is the awful Will Ferrell who has spoiled everyone’s year by announcing the return of Ron Burgundy in Anchorman 2.

Will Ferrell, dressed in character and playing jazz flute, stopped by Conan O’Brien’s talk show last night to break the news that Paramount Pictures has officially greenlit a sequel to 2004 comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

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Posted: 29th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Robert Pattinson quits Twilight franchise (Berlin photos)

TWEENS! Prepare to cry all the water out of your body. Why? Robert Pattinson – officially the dullest human on the face of this Earth – is not going to play Edward Cullen anymore in the Twilight films. Cut THAT into your arm with your Hello Kitty geometry set.

That’s right kiddies – if Stephenie Meyer writes more Twilight books and they’re made into movies, R Pattz won’t be involved.

Despite being roughly as charismatic as an old Vileda Supermop in a skip, Pattz isn’t daft enough to diss the franchise. Rather, he’s just thinking logistics. That’s because he’s so criminally boring.

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Posted: 20th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


Vanessa Hudgens Wants Young People To Watch More Films

YOU may now her as That Disney Girl Who Appeared Naked On Your Internet After Some Self Taken Pictures Were Leaked, but Vanessa Hudgens is actually a serious thespian. And don’t you forget it.

And she really cares about the art of film making. So much so, she’s encouraging young people to watch a wide variety of films.

Get that young people? She wants you to watch more movies! What’s that? You wish people would actually make something worth watching once in a while? Fair enough.

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Posted: 16th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Benedict Cumberbatch to play Khan in Star Trek 2

SHERLOCK is what Benedict Cumberbatch is best known for, but soon, he’ll be tackling the legacy of the mighty Ricardo Montalban (mighty mainly because of his funny name and the fact he wore a false chest in The Wrath Of Khan and starred in Crossroads) as he plays Khan in the new Star Trek movie.

Yessum, Cumberbatch has been cast in J.J. Abrams’ sequel to his 2009 “Star Trek” rehash.

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Posted: 5th, January 2012 | In: Film | Comment


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