Posts Tagged ‘funny’
The best 20 seconds of cricket in 2121
If they can score a few less, this lot might yet make it into the current England team. Cricket really is the best team sport every invented.
BBC News broadcasts Boris Johnson and other British tits
The chef was on the BBC News show to talk bout Covid-19 and the Government’s ham-fisted, half-arsed attempts to contain it and let us get on with our lives. Behind him a chart of “British Tits” – Great Tits, Blue Tits, Boris Johnson and more…
Spotter: Mike Harris
Posted: 30th, September 2020 | In: Politicians, TV & Radio | Comment
The best Covid-19 pandemic video ever
What did you do in the Covid-19 pandemic, daddy? I’ve now watched his video 29 times:
Posted: 4th, July 2020 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Prince Charles and his faceless friend open the Nightingale hospital for Coronavirus
When Prince Charles opened the Nightingale Hospital in London that will deal with coronavirus patients Richard Little noticed something behind him. There on the dressing table was a framed photo of a ghost. Or is it a smudge? What or who is it?
Richard and Twitter got to work:
Posted: 4th, April 2020 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family | Comment
Nighthawks by Edward Hopper – the Coronavirus Years
Nighthawks by Edward Hopper – the Coronavirus years.
Spotter: https://www.facebook.com/anticajaepetrella
Posted: 13th, March 2020 | In: Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment
Coronavirus: taking out a virus with guns
The Coronavirus can be defeated. Like anything else, you just needs bigger guns:
Posted: 11th, March 2020 | In: Strange But True | Comment
The Shining In Gingerbread
Twin brother Aaron and Austin Keeling recreated scenes from The Shining with Gingerbread. They’re pretty tasty:
Spotter: Flashbak
Posted: 21st, November 2019 | In: Film, Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment
Awful politicians and their 1972-1981 Doctor Who counterparts
Sarah Dempster has kickstarted a Twitter thread looking at “Awful politicians and their 1972-1981 Doctor Who counterparts”.
That last one cracked me up.
Posted: 22nd, October 2019 | In: Politicians | Comment
Missing woman found searching for herself
Transcribed:
Missing woman mystery solved
A group of tourists spent hours Saturday night looking for a missing woman near Iceland’s Eldgja canyon, only to find her among the search party.
The group was travelling through Iceland on a tour bus and stopped near a volcanic canyon.Â
Soon, there was word of a missing passenger. The woman, who had changed clothes, didn’t recognise the description of herself and joined in the search.
But the search was called off at about 3am when it became clear the missing woman was, in fact, accounted for and searching for herself.
Spotter: Sarah Pinborough
Posted: 16th, September 2019 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Mick Jagger dances to the theme from ‘On The Buses’ –
Mick Jagger interprets the theme from ‘On The Buses’ – by @CuriousUkTelly:
Posted: 30th, July 2019 | In: Celebrities, Music, TV & Radio | Comment
John Rhys-Davies is Adam Ant on Question Time
For those of you missed John Rhys-Davies’s performance on the BBC’s politics as circus show Question Time last night, here is the man himself channeling the great Adam Ant. Green MP Caroline Lucas is his audience of one:
Oh Woman, no Cry…. Oooooh Woman!!!!! no cry:
Note: John Rhys-Davies is (looks at web) an actor.
Posted: 26th, April 2019 | In: Key Posts, Politicians, TV & Radio | Comment
What happens when you try to drive through a huge snowman built on a tree stump
To St, Petersburg, Kentucky, where Cody Lutz, his fiancee, and her sister have been hard at work building a huge 9-foot tall snowman in their garden. Someone else liked it too – they liked it enough to try to drive straight through it. When Cody returned home from work the spotted that the snowman was wearing a car bumper. WLWThas more:
There’s now a massive stump now exposed, with a snowy imprint of a bumper stuck to it.
“You reap what you sow,” Lutz said. “Still standing and still smiling, Frosty certainly had the last laugh!”
It reminds me of when me and a friend used to build sandcastles on the top of dog turds. We’d wait for someone to kick down our castle.
Spotter: Under the Weather
Posted: 18th, January 2019 | In: Strange But True | Comment
‘A physician’s letter to his wife’ – the most condescending letter ever written?
In “A physician’s letter to his wife” the self-styled “The Physician Philosopher” – an “anesthesiologist who blogs at his self-titled site, The Physician Philosopher” – writes an open letter to his wife. It looks like an online public display of affection, which, to my mind, are often precursors to divorce. You know, those irritating Facebook posts between husband and wife played out because a private conversation is too intimate for such kismet-kissed souls. He calls her “gorgeous”, “talented” and, in an egomaniacal bid at self-deprecation, “long suffering”. She laughs at his jokes. Narcissism rules.
And so to “The Physician Philosopher” who schools his wife what to do should he die before her. She should not punch the air, whoop, use bunting nor should she exclaim, “I pity anyone in the hereafter listening to that bore’s preachy horse shit”. He begins, as he must, at the beginning:
Let’s just start at the beginning.
If you’ve made it past that without rolling your eyes into your skull, read on…
When we first met, you thought I was arrogant and prideful. For two and a half years we would rarely talk while we walked past each other in our small college town. At the time, we never could have imagined that one day we would get married. In a twist of irony, two weeks before we started dating you still didn’t know as you told one of your best friends, “I could never date a guy like him. He is too sure of himself.”
Then something changed.
You wanted to talk late one night outside of your dorm. We even got yelled at for talking too late into the night. We first became friends, then we became best friends, and then you become the love of my life. Ten years of marriage and three kids later, you still have my heart and always will.
You made me a better me.
You are the most caring, compassionate, and forgiving person that I’ve ever met. I guess God knew that you’d need those qualities in order to be married to me – particularly that forgiveness part. When you make as many mistakes as I do, a lot of forgiveness is required.
I tell everyone every day that you are a better person than me, and I’ll continue to say that to the grave. But if I should make it to the grave prematurely, I want you to have this letter to guide you on exactly what you should do for our family.
And now it gets fist-bitingly awful:
Financial plan
When I die, you’re going to realize that you are immediately financially independent. If not, reading this will teach that to you.
Do one!
With the money, you’ll be able to pay off all of our debts and have more than enough to last as long as you and the kids live. That said, you are likely to have no idea what to do with it given that you’ve always trusted me with the big picture of our finances. (We need more money dates, apparently).
So, I’m going to walk you through exactly what you should do with it.
Furs. Diamonds. Unsuitable Men?
Cash in my life insurance
You need to get my term life insurance policy. It’s in the folder in my desk.
Call the insurance company up and tell them the bad news. And then call my workplace and do the same thing (I have a life insurance policy at work, too). Tell them you’d like to collect the full sum of money. I’ve done the math and this amount of money should allow you to do whatever you want to do with your life.
After you realize your awesome financial situation, make sure to change all the beneficiaries on your estate planning documents to the kids. I won’t need to be your beneficiary anymore for obvious reasons.
You still there? He hasn’t finished.
Cash in my life insurance
After you get the money in hand, you will be able to pay off all of our debt with ease, including our house. Hopefully, we’ve done well enough by the time that you need this that the mortgage is all that is left.
It’s worth saying twice: pay off the debt before you do anything else.
It will make life easier for you and the kids. Also, consider fully funding our kids college education by putting $100,000 into each kid’s 529 plan and letting it grow until they need it.
Nicole Cliff interjects: “If Steve left me a letter this condescending in his effects I would liquidate every single account and give all of it to lesbians. Just random lesbians. Then I would eat my children.”
You have to do some math
I know that you don’t like math, but you’ll have to do some.
I’m rich! I’ll hire a mathematician. Then shag him to deathbed on the solid gold sun lounger I bought.
After paying off all of our debt, you’ll have a certain amount of money left. If you multiply that number by 3% (Total money x 0.03), that is the amount of money that you can spend annually and rest assured it’ll last as long as you need it.
It should be a lot more than you need.
If you decide to keep working, because I know you – and that’s what you’ll likely do – just subtract your annual income from that number above and draw less out of the account. It’ll give you an even better chance that it’ll last long enough and you can give what is left to the kids someday.
Tom Jamieson interjects: “Teach the children how to make that lovely tea you insisted I drink every night before bed. The one that tasted faintly of burnt almonds my dearest, as each day I grew weaker and weaker until near the end, you had to hold the cup to my lips in your kind sweet uncomplicated way.”
You have to do some math
Take $100,000 of the money and put it into a Money Market Account for an emergency fund. This should cover any unexpected expenses that arise. Also, feel free to give me the cheapest funeral possible. No one will be looking at my casket when it’s underground ten years after I die. A wooden box will be just fine.
Put all of the rest of the money into a taxable account at Vanguard. Put 50% into the total stock market index fund (VTSAX), 25% into the total international stock market index fund (VTIAX), and 25% of the money into the tax-exempt bond index fund (VTEAX).
Take any money I have in my work retirement plans and simply roll it over into an IRA at Vanguard. Since the money in this account will hopefully be dwarfed by the money from my death that you’ve placed into a taxable account, you can put 100% of this money into the Vanguard Total Bond Market Index Fund (VBMFX).
If you need help, call Vanguard. They are great. If you still need help, call a fee-only financial advisor who operates as a fiduciary for a flat-fee.
Tom Jamieson has a word: “look after our children. You’ll find them in the smaller rooms adjacent to our master bedroom, They are called children’s bedrooms and that is where they sleep.”
Speaking of help
Ask our lawyer friend at church to help you make a trust for the kids and plan for our estate. Your money will likely grow while you are taking it out at 3%, and so you want to make sure that the kids won’t get hammered by massive estate taxes.
If you need help with the financial stuff, feel free to look at my recommended financial advisors list (coming soon!). I’ve vetted them myself. Or, I am sure, that many of my financial advisor friends will reach out to you to offer help.
Jennifer Van Goethem interjects: “So, looks like the lesson here is trust your first impressions.”
Speaking of help
You know one of my favorite things to do is to give to other people. And I know you’ll do the same. But it would make my heart happy if you found some people who really needed help and gave them a leg up in life.
Oh, and pay for the medical school to support someone who will start a curriculum to teach the students about money. It’s important stuff, and it just may save them from burnout so that they can save you and our kids someday.
Verity Reynolds interjects: “There are three children. That is more than two and less than four. I know how you hate math.”
Life plan
First of all, recognize that my death wasn’t too soon. It was right when it was supposed to be. You and I both know that there is a bigger calling in this life, and I hope that you continue to teach our kids the selfless love of Jesus.
I also hope that you find love again. This life is too short to live it alone. Just make sure he loves you, and loves our kids. (Also, make sure he signs a prenuptial agreement given all that money stuff we just talked about. 🙂 )
Continue to teach our kids to be selfless, respectful, and to put others first. Spend time with them and support their passions.
Brian Roemer interjects: “There’s not a jury in the world that would convict her.”
You may not realize this, but families who have money usually lose it by the third generation. So, don’t let our kids touch any of their non-college money until they are 24 at the youngest. Continue to teach them about money. Make sure they associate hard work with earning money. And make them give you a plan for what they want to do with it.
Tell our oldest little philosopher that she is brave, inquisitive, and sweet. I pray that she always continues to stay that way. And tell her that I am proud of the little woman she has become. My hope is that she stands up for those who can’t.
Hillary Rowe interjects: “Dear wife, I’m writing you this open letter to make sure the whole world knows that I (appear to be) financially controlling you, and I demand that same level of control after my untimely death.”
Tell our only son that, while I wasn’t always the best at understanding his emotions, I love his empathy. That is his gift – understanding others. Help him use it to serve others well. Make sure he knows that I am proud of him, and will always be proud of him no matter what he chooses to do with his life.
And to our fiesty Jack-Jack, teach her to harness all of that charisma and fervor. Teach her to love others with just as much passion. I hope that she always possesses a jealous and fierce love for her family.
Take home
To end this open letter to my wife – I want to point out that a chapter of our life has finished. We are selling the first home we had after getting married. The one where we brought home all three of our children, and created our life together over the past nine years. While this is bittersweet, I cannot wait for the memories that we have to come in our new house.
Know that I love you and that, if I die before you, I have cherished every moment we had together, even if I wasn’t always the best at showing it. Continue to love the kids the same way you loved me – unconditionally.
Love,
Your lesser half
Spotter: Nicole Cliffe
Posted: 15th, December 2018 | In: Key Posts, Money, Strange But True | Comment
Confessions of a Johnson & Johnson rectal thermometer tester
If you hate your job, think on. First buy a Johnson & Johnson rectal thermometer…
dsds
When you’ve had an absolute “I hate my job” day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:“Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested”
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: “I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company”.
Have a nice day everyone and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
I thought they all worked for RyanAir?
Spotter: TheMetaPicturef
Posted: 7th, December 2018 | In: Money, The Consumer | Comment
Revolutionary War commander Nathaniel Greene gets googly eyes in Savannah
Googly eyes are never not funny. you can stuck them on fresh-ish fish, books, anything in store and statues of Revolutionary War commander Nathaniel Greene. But the City of Savannah is the exception to the tule. The city is unimpressed, by Google Greene, ruling the eyes as “not funny” and “vandalism” on its Facebook page. Police have been called. Forensics are on the case. CCTV is bing monitored in the hope of prosecuting the miscreant for trespassing.
Says the official voice of the city:
“It may look funny but harming our historic monuments and public property is no laughing matter. In fact, it’s a crime… We are hoping to find the person responsible!”
Although sources says Mr Greene’s new look is more authentic, and if if teenage acne would be added, it wold be more accurate representation of the great man.
Via: Buzzfeed
Posted: 14th, October 2018 | In: Strange But True | Comment
TV reporter Gustavo Almadovar is signing off
Gustavo Almodovar, a one-time reporter for Channel 9 eyewitness news, can’t say his last name without moving his head. “I’m not so sure it’s worthy of the attention it has received,” said Almodovar, who left the Florida station in 2008. “Aside from friends and a few co-workers teasing me about the video, life has been quite ordinary. It’s like bubble gum. People will chew it for a little while, toss it and move on.”
The Internet got to work. Here’s the disco remix:
Posted: 14th, October 2018 | In: Strange But True, TV & Radio | Comment
Trump and Melania join the crown green bowls club
When Donald Trump and Melania were welcoming the French President and his wife, the First Couple opted to wear flannels and thereby best absorb some of drooling Macron’s copious amounts of salvia (see hands, faces, necks – the guy gets rid of best he can but we’ve started to notice; he’s almost resorted to licking people).
Previously:
Spotter: @waathepies.tv
Posted: 27th, April 2018 | In: Politicians | Comment
An incredible photo of racoons waiting to pounce
“Family friend went camping 30 years ago and heard a noise. She stuck her camera outside her tent and snapped this picture.”
Via Awkward Family Photos, Flashbak
Posted: 25th, April 2018 | In: Strange But True | Comment
How they do the weather on Sky News (video)
And now on Sky News, the weather….
"…and here's the weather" pic.twitter.com/g3ZoEfmCmk
— Andy (@alreadytaken74) January 21, 2018
Spotter: AlreadyTaken74
Posted: 4th, February 2018 | In: Strange But True, TV & Radio | Comment
The one with the roof, the skateboarder and the pig (video)
Video of the day is the one with the roog, the skateboarder and the pig:
this gets so much better the longer you watch pic.twitter.com/Y1c2KQaB5T
— 🎄 Goth Ms Kringle 🎅 (@spookperson) November 27, 2017
Posted: 28th, November 2017 | In: Strange But True | Comment
The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump: Ode to 45
Donald Trump’s poetry is composite blend of Tweets, speeches and interviews edited by Rob Sears, who notes the “little known alternative fact that the 45th President, Donald J. Trump, has long been a remarkable poet.”
The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump considers Trump “a modern-day Basho or Larkin” with smaller hands.
The greatest misapprehension about DJT corrected by this volume, however, may be the idea that he sees money and power as ends in themselves. In fact, just as Wilfred Owen turned his wartime experiences into poetry, and Slyvia Plath found the dark beauty in her own depression, Trump is able to transform his unique experiences of being a winner into 24-karat verse. He didn’t build a huge real-estate empire for the billions; he did it so he could write poems…
Highlights:
I won!
Well, we’ve had some disasters, but this is the worst
Bad hombres
I’ve known some bad dudes
I’ve been at parties
They want to do serious harm
I’ve seen and I’ve watched things like with guns
I know a lot of tough guys but they’re not smart
We’re dealing with people like animalsBut they are the folks I like the best—by far!
I am the least racist person there is
I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks
I remained strong for Tiger Woods during his difficult
period
Oprah, I love Oprah. Oprah would always be my first choice
Kanye West—I love him
I think Eminem is fantastic, and most people think I
wouldn’t like Eminem
And did you know my name is in more black songs than any
other name in hip-hop?
You are the racist, not I
I respect women, I love women, I cherish women
Vagina is expensive
No more apologies—take the offensive!
Hot little girl in high school
I’m a very compassionate person (with a very high IQ)
Just think, in a couple of years I’ll be dating you
It must be a pretty picture, you dropping to your knees
Come here, I’ll show how life works. Please.
We’ve got to stop the stupid
You know what uranium is, right?
It’s a thing called nuclear weapons and other things like lots
of things that are done with uranium including some bad
things
I have to explain this to these people, they don’t even understand basic
physics, basic mathematics, whatever you call it
I mean, they’re like stupid
Look at the way I’ve been treated lately
I should have been TIME Magazine’s Person of the Year
Just like I should have gotten the Emmy for The Apprentice
I should have easily won the Trump University case
I should have won New York state but I didn’t
I unfairly get audited by the I.R.S. almost every
single year
No politician in history—and I say this with great surety—
has been treated worse or more unfairly
Spotter: The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump , Dangerous Minds
Posted: 13th, November 2017 | In: Books, Politicians | Comment
Sole Survivor outlives fish: BBC pun of the day
Posted: 14th, October 2017 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Barry Norman’s letter to two drunks who asked him to be their ‘honorary uncle’
“Drunk one Saturday night my friend I wrote to WONDERFUL Barry Norman asking him to become our honorary uncle,” tweets @PeterGraystone. “I treasure his letter.”
Drunk one Saturday night my friend & I wrote to WONDERFUL Barry Norman asking him to become our honorary uncle. I treasure his letter. pic.twitter.com/8GrXyHKtuR
— Peter Graystone (@PeterGraystone) July 1, 2017
Barry Norman: Barry Norman (21 August 1933 – 30 June 2017)
Posted: 3rd, July 2017 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Teenagers put glasses on museum’s floor and people thought it was art
When we saw Brooklyn Beckham’s terrible photography being passed off as a talent for anything other than parody, we recalled another example of meaningless nonsense being passed off as art. In 2016, two pranksters placed a pair of spectacles on the floor at San Francisco’s Museum of Modern Art. Before long the glasses were being viewed as a telling and important piece of art.
The hoaxers, @TJCruda and @k_vinnn, would doubtless be delighted to realise that their artwork fared better than other proper arty things. Tate Britain once threw away a Gustav Metzger installation, a bag of paper and cardboard.
Meanwhile, my own artwork, Vomit In Sock, has been touring the country’s music festivals. Catch it where you can.
Is it art? Dunno. What do you care? It is if it looks like it is.
Spotter: Bored Panda
Posted: 28th, June 2017 | In: Key Posts, News, Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment
